A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am trying very hard to get into the thankful mindset that I usually am in on this day. We just had such a different idea of what today would be like last Thanksgiving. It is amazing how we think about next year and our plans for it and they don't come true.

Last year I was still on Lupron. I was thankful that next year I would have a fresh start and be pregnant. When I got pregnant this summer I was so excited to think about going around in our small group circle telling what we are thankful for. I had imagined putting my hand on my belly and saying how I was thankful for the miracle of life. When we began talking about our small group Thanksgiving dinner this year I told D that I just couldn't do the whole thankful thing. I would lose it. I love her for skipping it for me.

Thanksgiving means that Christmas is just right around the corner. We all know what I think about that holiday this year. I am sure I will have many posts about my dread for it.

BUT I am very thankful for many things.

• My God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knows what loss is all about. He has given me more than I deserve. He gives me His strength daily just so I can walk out my door. I cannot imagine a life without Him.
• My amazing husband, Grumps. God gave him to me so perfectly. I am not an easy person to live with yet he loves me more and more each day. He has silently carried me through the dark times. His actions speak far louder than words. I would be lost without him.
  
• My family even though they totally don't get where I am right now or even where I have been. But they pray. They pray for my miracle and my life to be full. They call to check on me and say the dumbest things BUT they call.
• My wonderful friends who have truly been my family. They forgive me for the stupid things I say and do. They surround me with incredible love and support. They give me space when I need it yet know when to hold me steady. They have listening ears and encouraging words. I would live under my covers if it weren't for them.
• My sweet dog Itsy who loves me unconditionally and tries her hardest to comfort me when my life becomes too much. She ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
  
• My freedom. I remind my little students often of how blessed they are to be free to learn, think, worship, live a life in a country of freedom. Grumps and I have talked about how blessed we are to have been born in a life and land of freedom.
  
• My life which is truly full. I have a job that I can say I enjoy even though it drives me nuts. I have a home that is more than enough for us. It is full with more than we need.
  

I hope we call can find things we are thankful for. I pray that my heart will be surrounded by thankfulness even when disappointment sets in.

I am so thankful for your support and listening ear as well. Your words of encouragement push me forward!g

The Advice Just Keeps On Coming

Now that I am fully trying again, the advice has started to pour in like the pre-Lupron days.

You would think that people would think before they speak. You would also think that they were smarter than they really are.

I had endometriosis. I was on an awful drug. I am trying to get my hormones leveled. I think I know what I am doing by now. BUT people still try to help with stupid words.

*Relax and it will happen.

*You know that stress will really mess up your body.

*Enjoy the ride and forget about the planning and work.

*Have sex and don't plan it.

*It will happen when it happens.

*Start working towards adopting.

*Then your mind will be off trying to get pregnant and onto adopting.

*A study was done on people who began adopting and got pregnant during the process.

SHUT UP!!!! I know that they are only trying to help. They want to feel like they are involved. They really want me to have a child. They continued to tell me that over and over again.

*You will be a wonderful mother.

*You need to be a mom some way some how.

So I know that they mean well but you would think that all the advice would stop now.

As I hugged everyone goodbye for the summer everyone told me that they hoped I had good news and a belly when school starts back. Now those are sweet words.

Rollercoaster

That would me, a constant rollercoaster. I am UP UP UP UP and then down down down down.

Poor Grumps. He doesn't know what to do.

Here

It is amazing how a busy life can take your mind off of where you are on this journey.

Until your hot flashes bring you back to reality!

The Long Road To Nowhere

I feel like I am going nowhere. I know that I am working towards a great goal. I know that I still have to wait and wait. My cycle still hasn't began. I keep feeling little knocks, pinches, bites, pms, HOT FLASHES.

All of this waiting has put me into a nice funk. I keep eating and mopping around. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I know that this is part of the journey but it is GETTING OLD!!!

The other day on my way to small group I told Grumps that if one more person in my close circle of friends gets pregnant I will have to just bow out for awhile I know that is selfish but I am at my wits end.

My Ovaries

Are Stretching and saying "Good Morning 2006!"

or it could just be gas.

I am hoping for the stretching!

They're Back!!!

For some reason this title sounds familiar. I think I have used it before.

The hot flashes are back! They are double but they are back. Grumps said, "I thought that they were gone forever."

He also said, "When are you going to be fertile again?"

When was I ever fertile? I think he meant, "When will you be ovulating?" I didn't correct him. I just showed him my chart.

The questions are coming out of everyone's mouth.

When can you start trying?

What is your next course of action?

IVF?

IUI?

Drugs?

What does the doctor say?

When do you go to the doctor again?

When will you get a cycle?

I am loved. I truly know that I am. That is why everyone asks all the questions. But the truth is, I have no answers. I am in the lovely wait again! This time it seems harder than the last wait.

The Joys of Trying to Conceive

I am sure you all have been here during this part of the journey, being lied to in order to save your feelings.

Grumps just informed me that one of our friends is pregnant. Her husband called to let us know so that when we see her tomorrow at their Superbowl party we won't be shocked. That's right she is showing because she is over 20 weeks.

Ummm as I did some counting that would mean that when we were there for Thanksgiving she was pregnant. That would explain the reason she wasn't drinking. She told me it was because of some meds she was on. They made her feel bad when she drank. Hmmmm I thought that was suspicious but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Lovely LIES! I would rather just have someone tell me to my face that they are pregnant. I am sure it is hard for them to get those words out knowing where Grumps and I have been and are but lying isn't going to help. Being pregnant isn't like a cold. I doesn't go away.

So guess what I did when Grumps told me that she was pregnant and we were going over to their house super early for the game? Yep that is right, cried like a baby. Grumps was a little tipsy from drinks that I had been making him. He thought the whole thing was funny. Man, it just made it worse for me. He thought I was pathetic.

I didn't want to go to their house to begin with. It will be 8 guys including Grumps and me and the wife with her 2 kids. She is a stay at home mom, which I think is amazing but we only have tv in common. Now we get to talk about her being pregnant and how I am not . I also get to play with 2 kids. My whole Sunday is going to suck.

You like my nice attitude? Grumps solution was for me to just not go. How do you not go after you said that you would? He said that I can just 'get sick'. Not sure how that will work either. I guess I can start praying for the pukes or the cold that I have been wanting all year to hit me tonight.

I HATE THIS!!!

On a side note, my party was super fun last night. Drinks, food and karaoke was a blast. Now the pressure is on to reproduce. I had told Grumps that we would have some fun tonight. I think I killed that desire for both of us when I started crying and Grumps just kept walking away.

Can I say it again? I HATE THIS!!!

The Planning

The planning for this party has begun. I spent a big chunk of time this morning online looking for 'sex' drinks. I found a slew of them.

I read them off to Grumps. He pretty much wanted to cover his ears. He kept saying my name, wanting me to stop.

The names of the drinks are pretty risky. But how fun will it be to have a Dirty Silk Panty or a Nipple on Fire!

I am still on the look out for some good food ideas. I have fondu, meatballs, sausages and things like that.

If you have any fun ideas for this party to kick us back into the trying to concieve mode, let me know!

A Good Mood

Today should have been a bad day.

*I stayed up too late and was super tired.
*There was major fog driving to work.
*The fog caused drivers to be super stupid.
*The day turned out beautiful causing my class to be wild and crazier than normal.

But I was in such a good mood. I was in such a daze on my way to work. My brain was filled with the music from my iPod. Then it moved to my little rows of hormones. I have 3 rows left. Then I got excited. Only 3 more weeks.

I started planning my No More Lupron Party. I had the kareoke, drinks, fondu and added food, pjs and just real fun. I thought about party favors and just couldn't stop getting excited.

I am going to start looking for some good sexy things to spice up the ttc. We have been living in the Forsaken Land for so long.

I got to school with a skip in my step, a smile on my face, and Jennifer Love Hewitt's Barenaked song coming from my lips.

I have a lot to smile about!

The Countdown

The countdown has really begun. I am in my last month of wait.

The questions have started. The plans are being asked about. The excited others have has begun.

I on the other hand haven't been thinking about it. I mean I do think about it, but I don't. I talked to Grumps about it yesterday and he was with me. We don't want to set ourselves up for disappointment. We have been down that road and it wasn't too pretty.

Here is the plan:

Pray for Lupron to leave quickly and my cycle to start up. It has been almost 9 months since I have had one.

Start taking my temperature looking for that lovely spike yelling, "Get your groove on!"

Prenatals!

Relieving Grumps frustrations over and over again hoping to SCORE!

The Long term plan:

Not sure! IUI, Meds? IVF has even been thrown around. Adoption is a long ways off.

There you have it! 3 weeks 4 days until the meds are 'gone'.

They're Back

That is right, my hot flashes are back. They are mild but they are here. It makes my heart sad. What will come next?

Infertility Everywhere #2

The other day I was in the office at work thanking my principal and AP for letting us wear jeans. I told them how I needed to go and buy a jeans for this special day since I look awful in mine. I then said that it is because of the hormones and stupid menapausal drug. My principal says, "Lupron?"

I was shocked! I had a feeling that she had maybe had infertility problem since she had a little girl and was older. But it could have been because of her career. I was right with my first thought. She tried for 6 years to have a baby. She had endometriosis and fibroids. She had been on Lupron. None of that worked for her. Finally she did IVF. She was blessed with the most precious little girl.

Her words of wisdom for me were, NEVER GIVE UP! It is worth all the pain and trails.

Her kind words and caring eyes gave me hope! I am near the end. I will not give up!

New Jeans

Today at work we get to wear jeans. This is a big deal. We NEVER get to wear jeans. I wanted to look nice. I want to look nice so that we can wear them again.

I had a problem. None of my jeans look good on me. They stretch across my stomach wrong or give make my legs look like stuffed sausages. Or the worse case was they wouldn't zip or button.

I made a mad dash to Old Navy and tried on a couple of pairs of jeans. I have now grown to a nice new size. I didn't have time to be sad about it. I was on a mission.

Today I put the jeans on and they are okay. Nothing great or grand but at least I don't look gross.

I am sorry that all I have been talking about is my appearance but that is all that I think about these days. My plan is to get back on the wagon of losing weight and getting in shape in February once these drugs are gone!

The New Me!

Over stretched jeans.

Chunk chunk hanging over my pants.

New back stretch marks.

Bigger boobs.

Clearer head.

Solid night's sleep.

Normal body temperature.

Solid moods.

Crazy dreams.

No sex drive.

Back hurting.

HORMONES WORKING!!!

Then end is near. I feel it now!!!

This is me in a nutshell!

Femhrt: My hormones

Last night I had to open my second pack of hormones. I have two more packs to go.

As I was opening my new pack I saw the side effect sheet. Of course I opened it and looked. Yes, I know that it just causes you to become a Hypochondriac. But I couldn't resist.

I have found out why I am fat. HA! Water gain! The hormones cause sever water gain. I know, I am not eating all that healthy and I for sure am not exercising. I can at least let my self feel better with the water gain option.

Dreams

I have been having the most disturbing dreams every night. I dream about people dying. Last night it was my neighbor and my dad.

I dream about confronting people and getting into fights. A few nights ago it was with an internet friend.

I have dreamed about being sick. Being sad. Leaving my husband and him leaving me.

The only true reason behind these messed up dreams is my lovely hormones. The sweet hormones that don't make me dry anymore. They let me sleep at night. They even out my inside temperature. They stabilize my moods. Yet they cause me to have strange dreams and dull headaches.

One day I will go back to normal. I am not sure if I remember what normal is.

The End is So Close But VERY FAR AWAY

I have had too many meltdowns. I am not myself at all. I am now a freak of nature. I am anti-me.

I have too many drugs pumping through my veins. The drugs make me blah, fly off the handle, think ugly thoughts, hurt inside, fall a part, have meltdowns, fat, ugly, hateful, sad, lonely, NOT ME!

I can feel them moving through my insides. I can feel them laughing at me. Taunting me. Calling me names. I HATE THEM!

I would give anything right now to be normal again.

I have been told my many, totally in encouragment that the end is so close. I actually got excited myself as I watch the time come to an end. But this past week the end feels forever away. The end could be next week but I just couldn't begin to see it. All I see is the now.

I will never take for granted again being NORMAL. Having normal meltdowns. Normal ugly days. Normal life.

Grumps seriously tries to help and understand but he has NO way to even begin too. I wish he could more. He finds himself just not saying or doing anything, minus today. He tries hard to pretend that I am normal. Or maybe he just forgets.

2 months 3 days till I should start going back to normal or at least close to it.

The Wicked Witch of Infertility

That is me, the Wicked Witch of Infertility. I have been AWFUL to Grumps and I guess the rest of the world. I freaked out last night on him for really no reason. I mean I can always come up with a really good reason but if I had just stuck to my word it would have all been okay. But I decided to freak out about dinner and act all wacked! Grumps just fed fuel to the fire with his remarks and lack of compassion.

Seriously what is up with me? I have even thought about skipping Christmas. Not actually skipping the day but the whole traditions bit. No tree, decorations, music and all. I have turned a slight corner with actually buying a tree. The smell is motivating me to move out of my funk a bit. But it just isn't the same.

I went to put my jeans on tonight, the jeans that just fit last week. They were WAY too tight. I have been so good with my eating too this week. At least Grumps redeemed himself with, "It must be your meds." He also told me that all of this is almost over. FINALLY something sweet came out of his mouth.

I am ready for sweet Glenda, the nice witch to come back to my house. This freak show that I create has to come to an end soon!