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It is amazing how a busy life can take your mind off of where you are on this journey.

Until your hot flashes bring you back to reality!

The Long Road To Nowhere

I feel like I am going nowhere. I know that I am working towards a great goal. I know that I still have to wait and wait. My cycle still hasn't began. I keep feeling little knocks, pinches, bites, pms, HOT FLASHES.

All of this waiting has put me into a nice funk. I keep eating and mopping around. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I know that this is part of the journey but it is GETTING OLD!!!

The other day on my way to small group I told Grumps that if one more person in my close circle of friends gets pregnant I will have to just bow out for awhile I know that is selfish but I am at my wits end.

My Shifting Weight

I got on the scale this morning for the first time in weeks. I am starting my weight loss with Weight Watchers and work out with Tae Bo today. I assumed that I would have really gained the weight since my clothes don't fit at all.

NOPE! I mean I have gained a little since I started being lazy and bad. But I really didn't gain weight. It all just shifted. I know I have talked about how the hormones and Lupron have been so bad. This is proof. My body is not the same.

Maybe Tae Bo today will do something about the shift and just shift it back for me!

They're Back

That is right, my hot flashes are back. They are mild but they are here. It makes my heart sad. What will come next?

The Truth in Dreams

It is amazing how your thoughts and worries find their way into your dreams. The hormones that I am on just magnify everything in my dreams.

Since starting this ttc journey my mom really hasn't been there for me in the way that I had hoped. She has sent me encouraging cards with "I Love You" in them. But there haven't been any words or questions.

While being home during the holiday there haven't been any questions. When my back and stomach have ached there hasn't been a word said. I just don't really understand.

Last night in my dreams I got upset with my mom and asked her why she had to just pretend like there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted to know why she ignored my problem. She told me that it was just that she didn't care. She didn't care what was wrong with me and didn't want to know. I was so hurt in my dreams. I cried and cried.

I know that she cares. I know that she is praying for us. I know that she wishes things were different for me. But I so wish she would just be there for me. Once again I have learned how not to be when I have my little miracle. During this time I wish I had my mama to listen and care for me.

One of Those Ladies

Today I checked the weather and saw that the temperture was going to warm up during the day. I thought, "One last chance to wear summer clothes, capris, short sleeves and flip flops." Yes I was chilly this morning, but I knew that midday I would be HOT!

I passed a fellow young teacher in the hall. She told me that I was dressed for the summer. Wasn't I cold? Then she laughed and said that I looked like MB, the perfect picture of menopause. She wears capris and tank tops in the winter. When it is snowing out she stands outside to cool off!

I am now known as One of those Ladies, MENOPAUSAL!!!

Out of No Where

It is so interesting that the day when life is really tough and every area is full of stress, the world wants to know how you are doing. I can go for months without anyone asking or checking on me, then one day 5 people ask and want the details.

I thought they all were nice to think about me and really want to know how I was doing. It was just a bad day and the added questions caught me off guard. I had so many hot flashes today my pits were permanently wet.

I don't want anyone to think I didn't like the 'attention' or 'support' it was just strange how it hit out of no where!

Who Needs Sleep? #2

Today I was talking to an older lady that I work with. I told her how I didn't sleep well last night. I told her that I assumed I would sleep since I did over the weekend but that I woke up often instead. She told me that my sleep or lack there of sounded like her nights. She said that she had reasons for her sleeplessness, OLD but I didn't. I said, "DRUGS."

She had forgotten and then had this look on her face. She said that knowing what it will be like when you are old will just make you want to not be old even more. Is that ever true. I can only hope that menopause is kinder on me than Lupron. Lupron SUCKS! But someone told me today to keep my eyes on the prize. A baby!

Who Needs Sleep?

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she's three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell mew what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what your getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second Worldl War

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found
With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid

By Barenaked Ladies

Last night I thought that I would be able to sleep. I slept so good over the weekend that I felt there would be hope for the night. I never have a problem getting to sleep. As soon as my head hits the pillow I am gone. It is the middle of the night is the problem.

I wake up for the bathroom. I wake up to throw the covers off. I wake up to push the dog off me. I wake up to get some water. I wake up to stare at my husband. I wake up to check the clock again. I wake up to pray for the world. I wake up to my alarm.

By morning I have dark circles and a hang over. I have tried sleeping pills but if I don't get the perfect hours of sleep I have a HUGE hang over and can't function.

These crazy drugs! I have learned to pray for the world in a very effective way. I have also enjoyed my longer nights. I am dreaming of the day where sleep comes and stays so easily! Maybe it will be tonight!

My Wait

After my final test and they discovered my endo the doctor and I sat down for a talk. I was hoping that he would say that he was able to remove it all and now lets start trying again. WRONG! Of course I went to the doctor again alone to hear my outcome. I wish I had brought someone just to tell me what the doctor had said. My brain was mush.

The endo covered my kidneys, lover, bladder, the wall of my insides (I am sure it has a nice technical name that starts with a p), on one of my ovaries and everywhere else it could have found a nice home. I am blessed for the fact that my tubes are clear. I have no adhesions or scaring. I just have this crap all over the place. It is like a spiderweb of sickness.

My treatment: LUPRON, the drug from hell. This drug stops your cycle and puts you into a menopausal state. I am on a 9 month treatment. Most people only do 6 months. But I guess I have a better chance at 9. When you think about it, my treatment is the length of pregnancy. Nice thought! So now you know the reason for my wait, the long wait!

I have found that during this wait I had to decide on the attitude I would take. I could be miserable or I could have a good time. The good time was my decision. What can I learn from this wait about myself? What does God want to teach me? How can I grow through this?

This is my wait of growth!