Sunday, December 31, 2006

A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.


nwg said...

We all have bad years, and you are due for a great one.

PS- you may want to check out this blog. A friend of mine (in your same situation) is very active on it. It may help...

Happy New Years, Sunny =)

LaDon said...

I hope your 2007 is wonderful.
Love you,

laura said...

Your 2007 simply has to be better. You deserve it. I hope it is full of joy and comfort. By the way, I just read your post below about your inlaw's christmas letter...I was kind of shocked that they revealed something so very personal about your life. Well intentioned, I'm sure, but they might have asked your permission. Eeek.

Corn Child said...

Oh, I don't even know you (I found your blog by clicking on the "rescue dogs" link in my own interest on my profile) but I'm giving you cyberhugs. My hubby and I are planning our IVF/ICSI cycles late next year and although my situation is different, (this is my second marriage an my husband is the infertile one, I have a child from a previous marriage) I feel your pain about family member's insensitive remarks and everyone around you having babies.

Please find peace in 2007.

Catherine said...

I check your blogs from time to time, and I miss seeing you and hearing your craziness! My team is NOTHING like ours was last year! We go back to school!

But I wanted you to know that I pray for you and Grumps to find peace this year. I'm glad your relationship with God has grown even stronger. He'll put you where you need to be and give you what you need. God's peace.

Big Pissy said...

I truly hope 2007 is a better year for you, Sunny.

You deserve it. :)



GLouise said...

Happy New year, sweet Sunny.

Entering a new year can be scary, huh?

I am with you when you write, "I just want peace."

Sunny said...

It is so good to see some new and old faces around here. Thank you all for the sweet words and cheers! It will be a good year. It is a good year. I keep reminding myself all of that DAILY!

Catherine thanks for stopping by. :) I thought about you as I drove past your town while visiting my family!

Laura said...

2007 is going to be one amazing year for you and Grumps. I know it!! I have FAITH! I love you!

shazz said...

I hope 2007 is better for all of us! My Angels is next month then I too just want peace.