The Day Is Coming

March 20th will be here so soon. Seeing K and her belly and hearing her say only 6 weeks to go, WOW I was trying to forget.

I started thinking about to the day I got my BFP. I thought I never would see that day. The emotions were crazy. I was on cloud nine with butterflies to beat all butterflies. I couldn't stop running and jumping through my house. I wanted to tell the world but also wanted to hold the news close to my heart.

Some days that day feels like a dream that I made up in my little infertile world.

Just like that amazing day I will never forget week 6 when my numbers weren't doubling. I thought we were losing our little angel to heaven. I cried like I have never cried before. Tears shook my body down to the very core of my being. I wanted to die. When I saw my little one's heart beating life filled me with hope again.

Then there was the day when there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't cry. The world stood still. I felt like I was drowning.

I wonder what March 20th will be. How will I remember that day? How will it mark my life?

A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am trying very hard to get into the thankful mindset that I usually am in on this day. We just had such a different idea of what today would be like last Thanksgiving. It is amazing how we think about next year and our plans for it and they don't come true.

Last year I was still on Lupron. I was thankful that next year I would have a fresh start and be pregnant. When I got pregnant this summer I was so excited to think about going around in our small group circle telling what we are thankful for. I had imagined putting my hand on my belly and saying how I was thankful for the miracle of life. When we began talking about our small group Thanksgiving dinner this year I told D that I just couldn't do the whole thankful thing. I would lose it. I love her for skipping it for me.

Thanksgiving means that Christmas is just right around the corner. We all know what I think about that holiday this year. I am sure I will have many posts about my dread for it.

BUT I am very thankful for many things.

• My God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knows what loss is all about. He has given me more than I deserve. He gives me His strength daily just so I can walk out my door. I cannot imagine a life without Him.
• My amazing husband, Grumps. God gave him to me so perfectly. I am not an easy person to live with yet he loves me more and more each day. He has silently carried me through the dark times. His actions speak far louder than words. I would be lost without him.
  
• My family even though they totally don't get where I am right now or even where I have been. But they pray. They pray for my miracle and my life to be full. They call to check on me and say the dumbest things BUT they call.
• My wonderful friends who have truly been my family. They forgive me for the stupid things I say and do. They surround me with incredible love and support. They give me space when I need it yet know when to hold me steady. They have listening ears and encouraging words. I would live under my covers if it weren't for them.
• My sweet dog Itsy who loves me unconditionally and tries her hardest to comfort me when my life becomes too much. She ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
  
• My freedom. I remind my little students often of how blessed they are to be free to learn, think, worship, live a life in a country of freedom. Grumps and I have talked about how blessed we are to have been born in a life and land of freedom.
  
• My life which is truly full. I have a job that I can say I enjoy even though it drives me nuts. I have a home that is more than enough for us. It is full with more than we need.
  

I hope we call can find things we are thankful for. I pray that my heart will be surrounded by thankfulness even when disappointment sets in.

I am so thankful for your support and listening ear as well. Your words of encouragement push me forward!g

Too Soon?

The mindgames have started!

I am only 6 days past ovulation and I have already started. STOP ME PLEASE!!!

I have a scratchy throat.

Headache.

Tired.

Backache.

Crampy.

Grumpy.

I know that it is just... okay I don't know. BUT we all know that it is too early to feel and know anything.

I know that I am just going to shoot myself in the foot for this post. If nothing happens I look stupid. If something happens you will all want to know and I don't know if I can share especially since real life people read.

Please just tell me to shut up and stop all this crazyiness!

2 Week Wait

I am in the lovely two week wait. I hate this place. I try to keep my spirits up but also try to stay grounded or even forget about where I am in all of this.

I had promised Grumps that I wouldn't drink after I Oed. I lied. I have been good. I have only had small amounts of wine. I had to have something to get me through this stupid time.

Guess how many times I have pushed on my boobs and lifted them to feel for overwhelming heaviness? Too many times. It is too soon to even have symptoms like that. BUT we all know how our mind loves to play games.

I was a good friend today. I went with K to shop for maternity clothes. Yep, you heard me right, MATERNITY clothes. I had a little drink before I left to numb it all. It really wasn't as painful as I thought it would be until we were in Motherhood.

There was a mother and daughter who came into the store while K was trying on some clothes. I thought the mother was the one shopping. WRONG!!! It was the 14 year old or younger. She had a nice belly. She seriously was YOUNG. She begged her mom to carry the bag for her. The mom told her NO! Go mom!

But it sure sucked for me!

I did enjoy the Asian lady speaking Spanish to her employees in the food court. It gave me a laugh.

FINALLY!!!

It is finally up! uP! UP!!!

Let's just hope it stays up for the next 3 days and produce a BIG FAT POSITIVE!

We did the deed. Ummm let's just say it wasn't my best performance! In fact I hated every second of it. The entire time I was laughing in my head thinking that if we do get pregnant on this try I will tell them when they are older how it just SUCKED!

Here is the thing, it drives me nuts to hear Grumps complain about doing the baby dance again. Um I do believe he gets a happy finish everytime. Yes, I know that it is hard but seriously, he just has to look and touch and do. I have to lay and lay and lay. THEN when we are all done I ask for some toilet paper and he yells back at me from the bathroom that I should have got it before and been prepared.

I was like, "No he didn't!"

So let's all cross ourselves, pray, throw babydust, do the dance, WHATEVER!!!! I want this temp to stay up up and away!

Thanks for riding this ride with me!

Off to the Great White North!!!

We are off to Canada to visit Grumps family. We will be telling them tonight about our little one!!! I am sure they will be besides themselves.

So if you don't hear from me for 10 days just know that all is well. Thank you for your continued prayers!

I Have a Secret...

that I just can't keep anymore.

Remember that high temperature and how I was going to test? Well that next morning my temperature was still up. I was SHOCKED. So I tested, not expecting much. I always take my test back to bed with me and then just roll over. I pushed my snooze button to see the inevitable. I just knew it would be that stupid single line. NOPE! I had two lines. I freaked out and couldn't believe it.

I turned my lamp on and started to shake in excitement. Grumps was getting ready for work in the bathroom. I have always had a plan on how I would tell him. I went digging into my closet for the Papa beanie baby that I bought him. I put the test with the bear on his pager and crawled back under the covers. My heart was beating so fast that it felt like I had just ran a marathon. The minutes tick by and he is still in the bathroom. I couldn't stand the wait any longer.

I ran into the bathroom with the bear and the test. He had no clue what I was doing . I told him that the bear's name was Papa and the test should that we were pregnant. He was so shocked that he just couldn't believe it. He told me that I should rely on the test. We have NEVER gotten a positive before. He hugged me and couldn't stop smiling.

All day I was in a fog. I took 2 more tests to confirm the news.

Grumps didn't want me to share our news. Of course I won out on that vote. I shared with a few close friends that day. Throughout the week I shared with a few others. My family arrived last week and we shared with them. I have a few others to share with tomorrow at church. Our last people to share with will be Grumps' family. We are going to visit them next Saturday in Canada.

I had my first doctor's appointment last week as well. My doctor was totally beside himself with the news. He confirmed the due date, March 20th. He also scheduled my first sonogram for August 9th!

I am still over the moon with the news. I am 5 weeks and 4 days along.

I now have a disclaimer for those of you who know my in laws. Please keep this news to yourself. We would hate for it to get all the way back to them before we could tell them in person. It would just kill my mother in law to know that she wasn't told by us. This is one reason I took so long to post. I wanted to tell those of you who I know in real life my news in person. I love seeing your faces light up with shock!

Mind Games

First I feel like all of my titles are all repeating themselves. I just needed to put that out there.

I am having mind game problems. I have been crampy all week with my back really hurting. I thought that it all meant that I would be starting a cycle. I was super excited to think that now I really can start trying again.

Well what I am feeling just isn't normal. My back feels as if I have been lifting weights. NOT, I have been doing nothing of the such. My belly is no longer crampy but very pinchy and nauseous. So the mind games begin.

I am going to stop these games tomorrow morning. I bought a test. Yes, a dreadful test. I just want to know so I can stop playing 'what if's'. You know the kind. I start dreaming that I am pregnant. I start thinking about how I will tell everyone. Who will I tell first? Calling Iris first thing in the morning with the news. Getting on my message boards. I have been daydreaming all day.

So tomorrow all games will stop! I will either have my dream of a Big Fat Positive OR I will get the dreaded Big Fat Negative. At least my mind can rest. Fingers crossed!!!!

My Year

I am now 30! I can't believe how time has flown by! I remember my 7th birthday that I had at Chucky Cheese. I remember my 13th. My parents gave me this HUGE bash! I remember turning 16 and being able to go out on dates without another couple. I remember my 20th and getting a basket of gifts from my mom. I remember last years hoping that I would get my BFP before I turned 30.

Now here I am 30 and my life goals haven't exactly all been accomplished. I have had a lot of reflecting time. Some of this time has been a nice little pity party. The other bit of time has been how I can make this year great.

I have decided to declare this year MY YEAR! My 30th year of my life is MY YEAR! I am taking charge! I WILL get my BFP! I WILL have my little miracle! I WILL celebrate life! I know, you might say that I am putting myself out there for more disappointment. NOPE, I am taking over and demanding a few things!

Anyone else want to join me?