Saturday, December 03, 2005

The End is So Close But VERY FAR AWAY

I have had too many meltdowns. I am not myself at all. I am now a freak of nature. I am anti-me.

I have too many drugs pumping through my veins. The drugs make me blah, fly off the handle, think ugly thoughts, hurt inside, fall a part, have meltdowns, fat, ugly, hateful, sad, lonely, NOT ME!

I can feel them moving through my insides. I can feel them laughing at me. Taunting me. Calling me names. I HATE THEM!

I would give anything right now to be normal again.

I have been told my many, totally in encouragment that the end is so close. I actually got excited myself as I watch the time come to an end. But this past week the end feels forever away. The end could be next week but I just couldn't begin to see it. All I see is the now.

I will never take for granted again being NORMAL. Having normal meltdowns. Normal ugly days. Normal life.

Grumps seriously tries to help and understand but he has NO way to even begin too. I wish he could more. He finds himself just not saying or doing anything, minus today. He tries hard to pretend that I am normal. Or maybe he just forgets.

2 months 3 days till I should start going back to normal or at least close to it.

2 comments:

Jennie said...

one of the hardest parts of all of this crud, is that the drugs do morph us, we do turn into the anti-us, I'm sorry your facing this now it's not pretty is it, and I wish there were words to help, sadly there isn't just know your not alone and blog your heart out it does help to see it in black and white and for whatever reason it spares our DH's a little of our anger.

2 months 3 days and counting down with you.

Sunny said...

Thank you Jennie! You said the perfect words. At least it isn't just me on the crazy anit-me thing!