Sunday, September 09, 2007

A New Place

Today at church we sang a song which I have sung a million times. Each time I sang the song I would plead for it to be true but deep in my heart I couldn't sing it with truth.

As I sang the song this morning there was freedom. I could sing it truthfully and with all my heart. What a nice place to be. This new place.

Here are the words:

You are all I want
You are all I need
Help me know You are here.

When I would sing, You are all I want it wasn't completely true. I wanted a baby. I still do but I wanted it more than I wanted God. Does that make sense? I felt like a liar every time I would sing that line.

When I would sing, You are all I need I knew it to be true but it hurt to admit it. I wanted to believe I needed a child. I needed a baby to be in my life. I didn't just want God to fill all my needs with only Him.

When I sang the song today I completely meant those words. He is all I want. He is all I need. I am complete in my life. I will survive no matter the outcome. I will be victorious no matter if it is just Grumps and me for the rest of our lives. So the last line is VERY important. I need to know God is here and near and ever present. If I am going to give up my burden for this new place I need to know I am not alone.

I know you are all shaking your heads and snickering. You are thinking, "just wait, you will retract all of this soon." I am sure I will have moments of sorrow and longing. I am sure I will come to that awful place of being so desperate for a child. But right now I know I can and will be okay no matter the ending.

I haven't given up hope. I have just given up the burden.

16 comments:

Melissa said...

What a break through you have experienced! I am so happy you have peace about giving up that burden.

I am still hoping for you that you get your miracle, but I know you will be okay and live a great, full life either way.

r_is_moody said...

I'm so happy you have given up the burden. What an awful thing it is to carry around. God really is all we need, and I agree that when we can believe that there is true freedom.

I also do hope your miracle comes soon.

lub said...

It's nice to know your faith is strong. Mine has wavered through IF and I am desperately trying to find it again. Thank you for sharing the lyrics to the hymn. I hope I can come to terms with this and be gracious in His eyes too.

LJ said...

Amen.

PCOSMama said...

I've been 'watching' you get to this place in your life and I'm glad you have arrived. Obviously I will still pray that you receive your miracle... but maybe your miracle will turn out to be something other than a baby? Whatever comes of your life, I'm glad that you seem to have accepted it and will be happy!

Lori said...

Cheering your release, Sunny.

It opens the way for wonderment.

kellg said...

He is all we need, but thankfully, He also promises to grant the desires of our heart!

Praying that you enjoy your alone time with grumps and that it doesn't last much longer!

Fertilize Me said...

You know as popular as that song has been, I have NEVER been able to sing it in its entirity. GOd BLess you for that! AMEN

Reproductive Jeans said...

RIGHT ON! To give up the burden is a HARD thing to do...so glad you are able to be in this place...

niobe said...

No snickering or head shaking here.

That feeling of trust and peace is truly a gift.

The Town Criers said...

That last line is gorgeous. No laughing at all--just awe. Placing down the burden sounds wonderful.

Dreamer4agift said...

I'm glad you've found a way to let go of your burden, even if your desire is still there.

I know the song you're talking about and I've always liked it.

There's another one my SIL recently taught me and it's called "The More I Seek You." There's a line in the chorus that says "I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat." I love that last part, laying against God, feeling his heart beat and just breathe. Sometimes that's all I have the strength to do, just breathe.

Glad to hear you have a good team and a sensitive pregnant teammate...you're right, thankfully you don't have the other one on your team.

seussgirl said...

Oh I wish I could get to that place of truly letting go. I'm at the place of "wanting" to let go, but I keep finding myself holding on. May you find His strength to remain in that place.

Cynthia said...

All I have to say is DITTO to your last two sentences. I have recently (only in the past couple of months done this, myself). It is weightlifting, to say the least. It's hard to imagine only being me and my husband for the rest of our lives, but I can treasure that just as I would if I had children. The burden became too much and it's nice to let go of it. I'm not necessarily letting go of the dream, just the weight of it and the weight I 'used' to put on it. I'm feeling human again, in a way. Know that you aren't alone....

Amanda said...

I am so happy you have found some peace! I wish you much much more of it!!!

Kim said...

Just dropping in to tell you how much I love reading here!