Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A Missed Opportunity

and how I can't breathe!

Grumps and I have been trying for a family for 4 years and 7 months. In other words, a very long time. During that time we have never missed an opportunity to TRY. Yes we missed times when he was away or when I was on Lupron or miscarried but all other months were a go. Some months we gave it ALL we had a million times in a month. Other times it was a hit or miss. And even still there were months it was a one time go. This month NONE!

This doesn't mean we haven't had 'moments'. We just haven't tried during out little window. There really isn't a reason. Yep I haven't felt well. My insides have really hurt. We have been busy and tired. But we usually push through and try. Last night was our last chance moment and Grumps car got slightly hit in our parking lot. So it was a no go. He was not in a good place.

As I went to bed I started having that panic moment. I felt like I couldn't breathe. How could we miss a good opportunity? It was hard to just let this month go. No symptoms. No 'thinking'. No wondering at all. Maybe it will be a nice break but I feel like I completely missed it. I missed that 0 to 5% chance this month. See that did make me laugh.

In all of this freak out today at work I really had a hard time. I haven't had a hard time in months. But it was a "I can't breathe" day for sure. There are at least 5 women pregnant at my school. Most all are do in Aprilish. They are starting to tell and show just a tad. I was okay with it at first but now I can't breathe. How will I be able to handle them all at once? I have dealt with many pregnant women at work before but never all at once right in my face.

There was a moment after hearing major talk about it all, seeing bellies, and thinking "I don't fit" when I had to do all I could do to hold in the tears and screams. I wanted to run to the bathroom, lock the door and never leave. I couldn't breathe.

Thank God for my girls. My day got better with wine and dinner. I can only hope I can make it through the rest of the year. It is pretty bad when you are already counting down until June.

Here is my song for today. Maybe even the year. All I can do is breathe for sure! Even that is hard!

18 comments:

DD said...

Pregnant women are traveling in packs where I work. I understand that feeling that grips your lungs so tight you're not sure if you're going to cry or pass out.

Dreamer4agift said...

I just felt the breath taken from me the other day with being the only one in a group of friends that had kids and it seemed to be the only thing they could talk about. I'm sorry you're in that place right now, but don't worry, the air will return to you and you will rise above it all. Hold on. And when you can't breathe, and you feel like you might lose it , just know that there is someone here that is willing to hold you up until you are able to breathe again. ((hugs))

I liked the video too. I'm such a G.A. fan and those episodes were so sad...

Lori said...

Isn't it odd that we have a hard time with the most basic of bodily processes?

I mean the breathing, not the "trying for a family."

Thanks for the vid.

PCOSMama said...

That sucks - especially that you basically have a whole year of it to 'look forward to'. Maybe when they keep going on and on about their pregnancies, you should start talking about the fabulous new wine you had last night and how you're looking forward to a nice quiet vacation with the hubby next summer.... while they're changing diapers and getting no sleep!

Seriously, it sucks, but I know you can rise above it! Please breathe!

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

I just want to say I'm sorry you've tried for so long and come up with nothing. It never gets any easier, does it?

I remember really resenting the one month we "missed out" on TTC b/c my husband was deployed. It would have given us one more IUI before our move 1000 miles from the IF clinic too, which I really wanted at the time. But it was the only month I could have wine and coffee with abandon, skip meals as I pleased, and generally "abuse" my body with late nights, hot tubs, etc and not worry what I might be hurting.

Kinda a sad consolation, but we take what we can get, right?

Meghan said...

Sorry you're having such a hard time. Schools are like breeding grounds, it drives me crazy.

And I know what you mean about missing a month...happened to us once and it drove me crazy, even though it probably made no difference!

Sorry you're feeling so crappy, sometimes you just have to run to the bathroom and hide

tracey said...

Like dd said, preggers do seem to "travel in packs" - and they're everywhere at the worst times kinda like an on-demand panic attack.
And, I have watched that Grey's clip & listened to that song at least 25 times in the last month - I found it just after "Black Thursday" a few weeks ago. >: )

dmarie said...

I'm glad you had your girls and of course wine. Hope you had a better day, but for some reason I'm worried you didn't.

The Town Criers said...

That sums it up perfectly--that feeling of being unable to breathe. I guess you have to let go of this month, let it sail behind you, and focus on the next.

Chris said...

You are right, that stinks. But, just keep breathing. And try to avoid the packs of pregnant women.

Fertilize Me said...

"all we can do is keep breathing ..." - so simple yet so powerful

JJ said...

Ohhh we are in the same boat this month! My "time" was this past weekend while we were in DC--and umm, just not a very opportune time--and you know, I was OK with it.

So glad you can BREATHE this month--and let that carry you into the next with renewed hope!

niobe said...

I too feel time disappearing, irretrievable and my breath almost stopping.

In and Out of Luck said...

I know. It sucks to see pregnant women right in your face. And I know what you mean about missing the opportunity, no matter how small - my odds according to the RE are that less than 5% also. I would have leaped on him, car crash or not. Sigh. Take care. I'm thinking of you.

Kristen said...

I am sorry about the car. That really sucks - hope it is okay. We missed the mark this month, although when I'm unmedicated, I never know when I'll ovulate, so it is kinda hard to plan. Letting go of that control of when to BD feels so freeing and yet so scary. I think "another month down the drain" and then I think "wow, it's kinda nice not to be a freak about it!" I also know the feeling of having the wind knocked out of you. It is hard to breathe when I see everyone around me pregnant and I have my bracelet to remind me of my children in heaven.

I'm glad to see you hanging in there. I'm sending lots of love and prayers your way. XOXO

GLouise said...

So sorry about the pregnant women en masse. It always used to take my breath away as well.

Curly said...

Amazing song. I listened to it four times in a row. Thanks.

Kim said...

Yep, it's 'everyone bring your baby or pregnant belly around me' year, too. Blech. New reader here, and loving it!