Sunday, December 16, 2007

Numb and My Exploding Brain.

Being on this journey and being on it for so long has done one thing to me. It has made me numb. The pain is still there at times but I can quickly hide it, throw it out or ignore it.

Either hearing news of more bellies or news of angels lost, I feel the same. Or more like I don't feel anything at all. Touching pregnant bellies is like patting a dog. Please don't think I am calling those mamas dogs but I used to cringe at the thought of touching a pregnant belly. I actually couldn't even look at them. Now I just do it. No feelings.

Is it good to be numb? Is it healthy? Does it mean I am growing or ignoring?

I never have a hard time putting my thoughts out there but I have written one sentence after another and nothing else seems to sound right. So lets tick off my thoughts...

*The holidays make it hard to keep the feelings away.
*Hearing the pregnant talk more and more is HARD!
*My thoughts sure can be ugly and dark. I just need to keep the thoughts in my head.
*My insides HURT when I ovulate now. Not just hurt but HURT! I wish I felt nothing.
*I will either get pregnant in 2008 or move on to...
*I need to get my body back on track to the healthy side. Instead I just want to let it all go.
*The fear of being the last one standing haunts me. I am the last one on both boards I am apart of. It isn't fun. It sometimes feels like the last person picked for the team. I hope this doesn't happen in my real life. If it does I will have to dig deep.
*Do people look at me with pity?
*What if I get what I want and hate it? What a scary thought.
*I guess I am stressed. My mouth hurts and so does my head from clinching my teeth all night.
*I would love to wake up feeling rested.

I guess I am really not so numb. I just hide it well.

Oh I had a freaky dream last night. I had a little girl. I don't dream dreams like that. It has haunted me all day.

What a blah post!

19 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

"My thoughts sure can be ugly and dark. I just need to keep the thoughts in my head."

I disagree - Get um' out of there! They do not belong there. You deserve better thoughts. They are valid thoughts, but you deserve more.

Lori said...

I empathize with each thought you list.

Numbness is a godsend at times, isn't it?

We'll see what 2008 brings for you...

Cathleen said...

Not blah at all! :)

Ugh! The holidays are HARD. Wishing you only good things in 2008!

Amber said...

"What if I get what I want and hate it? What a scary thought."

Seriously, don't worry about that one. All prg ladies have the right to complain...and every mother wants a break sometimes and wonders "what have I done". That's normal and infertility does not mean you have to be a grinning idiot 24/7 when you finally have kids. The rest of your worry list...go to town...but this one....let it go.

jill said...

As one overly open person to another, you don't have to worry about how "ugly" your thoughts are. As you've told me many times, "we don't judge here."

Shelby said...

The holidays are always hard. And I think that even when things are great, they're still hard (something negative always happens around the holidays, and each year it brings the memory back). Try to let some good thoughts in. Here's to hoping that 2008 is the best year yet!!

Meghan said...

Should I come over with my christmas cards, a bottle of pinot, and some matches?? You know I will!

Sorry the holidays are crappy for you right now. I tried the keeping everything in for awhile, and it totally sucked. I ended up completely exploding at people who totally didn't deserve it. I do not recommend that method (I do highly recommend the pinot ;)

2008 has to be better for us, it just has to...

The Town Criers said...

No not numb--that was a lot of feeling. And not blah at all. I think all those fears are very very real.

Pamela Jeanne said...

We can sometimes hide our deeper emotions not from others but from ourselves as well. You won't be the last one standing, honey. I'll be there with you admiring your strength.

niobe said...

I think that sometimes, when we get too overwhelmed, our feelings just seem to shut off. But I think that just by writing out that list, you're, as you said, breaking through the numbness.

lub said...

Emotional post- not blah. I feel for you. I am pregnant but I still feel for you. IF scars you for life but know we are all still here for you and listening and completely understanding if you want to gripe or throw things or scream out that it isn't fair. Because it isn't.

inconceivablejourney said...

I think this is the opposite of numb. When the feelings become so raw sometimes we try to shut them down for safety sake. I think it's a defense mechanism. It's protective and that's how you need to be right now. Protect your heart.

Jenna

Katie said...

Honey, your ugly and dark inner thoughts probably look like Christmas card greetings compared to some of the things that I have thought.

And you are a better person that me. I CANNOT AND WILL NOT PAT PREGNANT WOMEN'S STOMACHS. CAN'T. WON'T.

I love these honest posts, because they help me feel a little less alone.

r_is_moody said...

I can understand feeling numb. I took an hpt this morning and looked at it once, saw one line and went on with my day. Didn't even tell dh and he knew i was testing. I think the longer we have to travel this road the more numb we become. But I do think there is feeling there, but we hide it well. I know i hide it extrememly well.

**Do people look at me with pity?**

That is a question I wonder myself. I don't want people to pity me.

Jen said...

I think numbness can be appropriate for a season. I think it's normal and it may be your defense and survival mechanism for dealing with this holiday time. I think that it's ok as long as you don't stay there. I have a hard time accepting that God created our emotions and sees them as valuable but at the end of the day He did and they are so I have to believe He wants better for us than to walk through life frozen. But I also don't think it's wrong to think that maybe He's given you a temporary extra hedge to protect your heart right now.

Big hugs

Dreamer4agift said...

I don't think this is a blah post, and I appreciate the fact of you laying your thoughts out there for all of us to read...mostly b/c I relate.

Well, except for the patting pg bellies thing...can't seem to enjoy that.

I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers for strength this christmas.

Laura said...

I love you!

Jen said...

Just checking in on you...

Monica said...

"what a blah post!"---Not at all! In fact you articulated the numbness I felt after my loss but before my pregnancy with Andy. It's a "protective numbness". Somedays I wouldn't care at all that a friend had a perfectly healthy, living child. Then other days I'd see a pregnant stranger in the bank and want to smack her. It's just a trip! A freaking trip.

There is a difference between people wanting you to be successful and praying for you.. and pity. I've never felt pity for the other members of my support group who have yet to have a child. Instead I pray for them like crazy!!