Comfort Food, Krispy Cream D's and HSGs

It all begins with Saturday having a me day. I am sick, a week and a half sick. Grumps had to work. I decided to just fill my day. I unpacked from the house stuff that went on. Cleaned from the grime and went to a movie by myself. Rarely am I home alone for a full day anymore. I find myself filling my world to the fullest. I guess I do this so I don't have to think about life as it is right now.

Saturday I started to get blah. I felt it hit in. It was like a warm blanket wrapping itself around me. That sounds inviting and all but you know when you got hot under your blanket and can't get out? That was me for sure. I was stuck. I wanted out. I began to struggle with it. Here is where the comfort food comes in. I just had to get out of the house. I wanted to see the new N. Sparks movie. Movies like that are perfect for going alone. I go to the movie too early. You can't sit at a movie that early by yourself. Off to the store I went. I hadn't planned to get food but when I passed the deli section and saw good friend chicken and mac cheese I couldn't say no. Guess where I ate it? HA! Right in my car at the movies. Teeheehee!!! I couldn't help laughing at myself.

Today I had to make the scary drive over the state line at EARLY morning time to have my 4th hsg. Yep 4! I was told by my doctor it shouldn't hurt since they are pros. I laughed. There was no way it wouldn't hurt, I was the pro at having them. The bright spot in the morning was the HOT sign lit up for donuts. The hsg... totally a piece of cake except for the assistant not knowing how to get the machine working while I was wide open with a view of my cervix for all to see waiting! The results... swollen left tube, scar tissue and block on the right. I am waiting to see if there is a new action plan from my doc.

If you made it to the end of my post then I give you a fire cracker. This was painful. HA! I just needed to let you know I was alive. Crazy but alive!

Foul Mood

Yep that is me. I have a stinky mood going on. If you know me in real life you know I don't usually go to this place. I am always up with only a couple of down moments. Well I went to bed in a funk and I woke up in one. I am hoping blogging gets rid of it. I hate being here.

I had planned to blog about tips for your husband giving you shots in the butt and how my common thread bracelet broke. I am sure I will get to it. Instead I am just going to vent and get it all out there.

I have always given myself my shots. I like being in control. I wasn't exactly happy knowing Grumps had to be the one shooting me up. He doesn't do stuff like that very well. BUT I went in with confidence in him. I get the it all ready for him. Talk him through it. Remind him...

Well we have had some good shots but we have had some bad ones. Last night was the worse. It felt like he was moving the shot around. When I said something he got upset with me. Then I BLED! It turned into a quiet shouting match. His feelings were hurt. My butt killed. He said I make it hard. I shouldn't say that it hurts. I should just let him do it. He has no idea how it feels.

I suggested giving him a shot in the butt of just saline for him to see how it feels. He flipped. Why do I need to hurt him? I just wanted him to understand how it felt. He would have no part in it. The night ended with me going to the basement to play on the computer leaving him for bed. He did come downstairs to let me know he was just reading. I shrugged him off. This morning was just as cold.

I know this is a stupid vent. I shouldn't let this bother me. We will be transferring probably on Wednesday. I should be getting in a 'zen' state. Instead I am just yuck about it all. It is so small but it really is so big. It defines our marriage. How we deal! I wanted him to hold me and tell me he was sorry for hurting me. But I know he wanted me to say how sorry I was for making him feel bad. I just couldn't. I really can't.

I know he feels like a bystander just watching. He wants this over just as much as I do. I really just need a cheerleader. I am sure after having some girl time (sangria, pool, and wine) today I will be over this. I am going to put this mood under the hormone category. I am pulling the card and using the excuse. The del estrogen KILLS my back and making my boobs SUPER bigger than they already are! The progesterone oil only made my back hurt more.

I am done with complaining. Maybe after tonights shot I will have some helps for your spouse giving you shots so you won't have to have a moment like ours.

*I could use a little head patting, cheer talking, hugs ANYTHING to make me feel better. HELP ME get over this. Please tell me your husbands sucked at shots. I DON'T want to know how amazing they were. I don't want to be jealous of your marriage. I want to love mine more by the end of the day. I am SO not needy right now. HA!

Here

Man I have missed blogging. I have so many posts in my head: the family fit, the waiting game, and priorities... But when I come think about blogging I have no desire. It requires time. It requires thinking. It requires putting thoughts in order. My thoughts aren't really in order.

Right now I am sitting with my family. I love my family but there are times I could just walk away from it all. People don't like to make decisions but when suggestions are given no one likes those either. I also love them very much. I just don't think I am needed while mom is getting her chemo here. Too many hens in the house.

Speaking of being needed, I am torn about when it is time to go home. I am playing around with some ideas in my head. Just praying for God to give me wisdom. Man it is hard.

My mom is now bald but she sure is beautiful!

Finally, I think my sil is pregnant. I am happy for her but I also want to scream!

I hope to get my jive back soon.

Numb and My Exploding Brain.

Being on this journey and being on it for so long has done one thing to me. It has made me numb. The pain is still there at times but I can quickly hide it, throw it out or ignore it.

Either hearing news of more bellies or news of angels lost, I feel the same. Or more like I don't feel anything at all. Touching pregnant bellies is like patting a dog. Please don't think I am calling those mamas dogs but I used to cringe at the thought of touching a pregnant belly. I actually couldn't even look at them. Now I just do it. No feelings.

Is it good to be numb? Is it healthy? Does it mean I am growing or ignoring?

I never have a hard time putting my thoughts out there but I have written one sentence after another and nothing else seems to sound right. So lets tick off my thoughts...

*The holidays make it hard to keep the feelings away.
*Hearing the pregnant talk more and more is HARD!
*My thoughts sure can be ugly and dark. I just need to keep the thoughts in my head.
*My insides HURT when I ovulate now. Not just hurt but HURT! I wish I felt nothing.
*I will either get pregnant in 2008 or move on to...
*I need to get my body back on track to the healthy side. Instead I just want to let it all go.
*The fear of being the last one standing haunts me. I am the last one on both boards I am apart of. It isn't fun. It sometimes feels like the last person picked for the team. I hope this doesn't happen in my real life. If it does I will have to dig deep.
*Do people look at me with pity?
*What if I get what I want and hate it? What a scary thought.
*I guess I am stressed. My mouth hurts and so does my head from clinching my teeth all night.
*I would love to wake up feeling rested.

I guess I am really not so numb. I just hide it well.

Oh I had a freaky dream last night. I had a little girl. I don't dream dreams like that. It has haunted me all day.

What a blah post!

Need a Good Cry?

I sure do! Watching this video gave me the release I needed. Beware, you will need a private moment while watching.



Today was Infertile Hell for me! I had a lunch date with friends. One of the girls I haven't seen in a very long time. She is pregnant. I am so happy for her but it just kills thinking about it. You know, life isn't fair and all that jazz. Well in order to deal with pregnant people I have to buy gifts. It helps me let them know even though I might not ask questions or talk about her pregnancy I do care.

While shopping for the gift I went into a kid's store that has a small book collection. First big mistake. There were strollers EVERYWHERE. I couldn't make it down any aisles because of all the children. Some were screaming, others were playing with all the toys. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My stomach was all upset during that moment. I moved on and more strollers appeared. It was like a very bad dream. Then big pregnant bellies began to surround me. All I could think about was "I sure look cute today. What drink will I have when I get home." I truly wanted to crawl in a hole.

Lunch went well but she looked too perfect. You know the one, perfect little belly, perfect tan, perfect everything. I had a margarita to help ease the pain. She looked at it longingly. Of course I gave my ten cents on stores to shop and online websites. Yep STUPID ME. Everyone looked at me with sad eyes. I know too much for not having children.

It was a good time with everyone but I was looking forward to home. My eyes became misty as I drove home. I couldn't stop seeing her little belly in my head. How she touched it and talked about the day they will find out if it is a girl or boy. I will be okay but the day really was just as bad as a baby shower.

Then I read a blog and find the song. It really touched my heart. I am not alone. I felt like it today but I know I am not. I hope it gave you a good cry. Sometimes we just need it!

Trying Hard

I am trying very hard this morning to paste a smile on my face.

I am trying hard not to be bitter.

I am very hard not to say, "Why not me?"

I want to be happy for others. I am trying to do this~!

Trying to see the brighter side.

Trying to understand.

BOY is it ever hard!

Of course I asked for this announcement. I didn't want to hear about it face to face. I asked for her to test. I wanted to just get it over with. I was hoping for good things but yet hoping I got it first. The odds were stacked up against her. She is over weight and older. So is her husband. She has only been trying for a VERY short time. I am so glad she didn't have to go through the pain of it all. But why not me?

Okay I slipped. I guess I am not trying hard enough. Thank God I haven't cried yet. Thank God I checked my work email before I left the house. Thank God I have a long commute to try to be composed before I had to see her this morning.

I heard a song on my ride in this morning that will help me fake it through the day. Of course I can't find it now that I need it!

*Please don't think I am not happy for you. I truly am. It is just bittersweet. There is nothing that can change it!

The Wait Continues

I haven't been up much for blogging. No real good reason. Just nothing has come to my mind that is worth blogging about.

I had my appointment on Monday. It all went well. The doctor was very nice and quick about everything. He made sketches and a nice timeline. He even gave us his email address for any further questions that we might have. We talked to our nurse who gave us way too many papers with dates and to dos. I am so glad I knew a lot going in or I would have been even more lost.

So the wait continues. They want to do most of the testing again since my miscarriage and time could have changed things. I am okay with it all. At least the testing will take place in a 2 week period instead of a year.

Day 1 of my cycle I call.

Day 3 I go in for blood work to check levels.

Between day 5 and 10 I will have another HSG. YEAH my favorite.

I will also have an ultrasound to check out things and follicles and all that jazz.

So I am waiting for AF to arrive. I would really love it if she never showed. I am not holding my breath. Especially after talking to the doctor about % of getting pregnant naturally or with an IUI.

While at the office I read that children are not allowed to attend. I LOVED THAT! I also loved that the magazines were not all parenting magazines. I felt taken care of. I pointed it out to Grumps. It made him do some thinking. He asked me if every time I see a baby, child or belly do I think about not having one of my own? I told him YES but that I have gotten better. I used to tear up. I used to get really sad. Now I just think about it for a second. He was so shocked and a little sad. He finally got it. He finally understood for a split second what it must be like to live in my head.

Now I need to call my OB/GYN to up my pap appointment. I would hate to have to wait even longer for our first IUI if my pap isn't up to date.