My V is closed for Repairs

I has been seen and touched WAY too much lately. Stink, I told Grumps that we would get it on tonight. Maybe he will be too tired. HA!

First I had a moment with the lovely condom covered wand. All was fine and dandy and went very fast! I did feel like a science project or some test subject looking for gold.

Next was my lovely pap. I have been bad. I haven't had a pap in 3 years. With all the other testing, probbing, touching going on down there I didn't feel it was necessary to add that in. I know, I am a bad example. Really and truly the worse part for me is the boobie exam. I HATE that part! They haven't been touched by a stranger while I was awake (who knows what they do to you when you are under and on the table) in 3 years.

My doctor had a 'shadow intern' with him. Of course they asked if she could join in on the fun. "WHO CARES!" is what I said. Truly at that point, naked but under paper, sweating like a pig, legs spread wide open, let's let them all have a looksie and touchy moment with my V! It was a little awkard when the intern was between my legs, my doc was trying hard to get the lighting right for her while peering over her shoulder and the nurse was watching on the sidelines. I felt left out being the only one who didn't get to look and wear gloves. The only good part was that my doctor bragged and got all excited about my lap pictures to show to the intern. I will be famous someday, they are that pretty!

Finally the best moment all week, my HSG! I was calm and collected. I went alone BUT MANY people offered to take me. I felt like I could handle it since I did it once before alone being a newbie in it all. (This would be hsg #3 for me.) I took a nice 800mg pill of ibprophin from my m/c. It sure made me loopy, I had no idea. I was so out of it I told them the wrong date for my first day of my last period. They thought I was on day 13. OOPS!

I hopped up on the table with the big diaper. No stirrups here. I told them that they really were important. Instead the old lady doctor pulled me down on the table until I almost fell off. She was a little harsh with the nurse and intern. It must be my lucky week. AND ME! The tube was pushed in. Yep, I felt it. Then it was PUSHED in even more with major force since she was perplexed why it wouldn't go up easily. Beats me but I wished for a gentiler push. The balloon was blown up, I had to hold my breath. The dye was shot in at a very slow pace. I thought I was going to die or scream STOP at the top of my lungs. MAN IT HURT! It got to a point that I could care less if my tubes were clear or not. I just wanted the pain to go quickly.

The results all is fine with my tubes and all that jazz. I knew that it would be. We just needed to prove it to the good ole RE. I ended the afternoon with drinks and girl time with T. Then back to the house for a heating pad, more 800mg and an evening nap.

I really think I should take back my offer from Grumps. MAN but guess what, O time is coming!

Out of all your tests you have had, which one was your favorite? Come on, I want to hear your story!

Trying to ...

get in the mood to blog.

I have 'written' a few posts in my head but can't remember them to get them out on my computer. Usually I can remember and spit them out. Not lately.

My mind has been clouded with dates.

FSH and u/s RESULTS NORMAL

Grumps s/a RESULTS PENDING

Annual (3 years late) PAP TODAY

DREADFUL HSG tomorrow

First Hannah's Hope Monday night

RE followup next Friday

As you can see I am full of dates. D who helps me 'celebrate' these things is out of town. So I have had to treat myself to wine, bad but yummy foods, and treats. I found out today I have lost 5 lbs since my last doctor's visit BUT I know that it would have been more if I hadn't taken my stresses out on food this past week.

I have a feeling that someone close to me will have a bfp soon. I have no idea who but I can feel it in bones. I know so silly but does anyone else get those feelings or am I an infertile freak?

Aunt Flow says...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

She came just in time to celebrate us! I really don't mind that she is here. Now when spot showed up and stayed for awhile I knew she was on her way. There was a second where I thought just maybe pregnant I was pregnant. Ummm NOPE! I had a little moment and then moved on.

Now the testing begins. Tomorrow morning, EARLY is my Day 3 bloodwork. Next week I have my lovely PAP on Thursday. Friday I have my 3rd HSG. I am taking the day off for that one since it is scheduled for right in the middle of the day. Grumps has his jerky lerky on Tuesday. SO it will be a fun week for our household!

My present for V'day is a day off work! It iced last night! I am enjoying my day in bed with my new heart pjs!!!

The Wait Continues

I haven't been up much for blogging. No real good reason. Just nothing has come to my mind that is worth blogging about.

I had my appointment on Monday. It all went well. The doctor was very nice and quick about everything. He made sketches and a nice timeline. He even gave us his email address for any further questions that we might have. We talked to our nurse who gave us way too many papers with dates and to dos. I am so glad I knew a lot going in or I would have been even more lost.

So the wait continues. They want to do most of the testing again since my miscarriage and time could have changed things. I am okay with it all. At least the testing will take place in a 2 week period instead of a year.

Day 1 of my cycle I call.

Day 3 I go in for blood work to check levels.

Between day 5 and 10 I will have another HSG. YEAH my favorite.

I will also have an ultrasound to check out things and follicles and all that jazz.

So I am waiting for AF to arrive. I would really love it if she never showed. I am not holding my breath. Especially after talking to the doctor about % of getting pregnant naturally or with an IUI.

While at the office I read that children are not allowed to attend. I LOVED THAT! I also loved that the magazines were not all parenting magazines. I felt taken care of. I pointed it out to Grumps. It made him do some thinking. He asked me if every time I see a baby, child or belly do I think about not having one of my own? I told him YES but that I have gotten better. I used to tear up. I used to get really sad. Now I just think about it for a second. He was so shocked and a little sad. He finally got it. He finally understood for a split second what it must be like to live in my head.

Now I need to call my OB/GYN to up my pap appointment. I would hate to have to wait even longer for our first IUI if my pap isn't up to date.

Opening

of the envelope took place!

I didn't want to. It wasn't because I was being nosy. (But I did have a glass of wine at my side.) I needed to see if it had some of my tests in it. No answers there.

I didn't really learn anything new. A lot of my files were left out. I guess my doctor didn't find them important. All of my previous testing and Grumps as well were not included. I guess since we did get pregnant none of that was super important.

My pictures were there of my lovely insides. I have seen them many times. A toxic waste dump without adhesions and scar tissue. My doctor is still shocked by that.

My old charting charts were there. I will bring my recent months along.

The pathology reports and my visit notes.

The detailed report of my lap. There I found something I have always wondered but was afraid to ask.

I told the stage of my endometriosis. I always guessed what I thought it would be. I also hoped what I wanted it to be. I teared up when I saw what it really was.

Stage IV Endometriosis

I am very blessed to have gotten pregnant at all. I am also blessed that my girl parts work. But hearing stage IV makes my heart sink a little.

I filled out all the paper work the best that I could. I don't know Grumps sperm results. I don't know all the blood tests that were done. I am sure he can figure out what was done to both of us. The big thing is the endo.

Grumps favorite question to torment me with is: if you drink, how much do you consume per week/day? I said once a day. (okay it might be a little more or less depending on the day) Grumps was twice a week. He called me an alcoholic. I told him to live in my shoes for a day. He has no place to judge.

Tomorrow morning is the big moment. I am sure I know what he will say. I still need to make my little list of talking points. I am sure Grumps will be of no help. He is only going because I know that they will want to talk to him.

I will report back with the bigger game plan.

Laughing Points: #1

It is funny how in a very 'not so fun' situation we can find humor. Maybe it is a way to cope. A way to deal with the awful moment. Maybe it is just truly funny. The funniest part being you shouldn't be laughing or you are the only one laughing, in your head. (I will stop the rambling and get to my laughable points)

Have you ever had a Post Coital test? Oh the joys of testing. My husband and I had done the due. I headed to the doc for that great momenting of checking out the love juice. I had to undress and just 'hang out' on the table till the doc arrived. The nurse was so excited because this was her first test of this kind. She was just all excited. HA! As I am sitting there where I sat kept getting wetter and wetter. I was so embarrassed. But it only got worse. It started to run down my leg. Great, the doc isn't even here yet! When he came into the room I just thought in my head, "how fun, he is now looking at my love juice not only in me but moving its way down me." (sorry for those faint at heart but this is a blog about infertility.)

The doctor was super impressed with my love juice. He even had a smile on his face. I had my arm across my face by this time. I am almost positive that I was blushing.

It was time for me to get dressed. When I got up from the table, there it was, that dreaded wet spot. It was HUGE! I couldn't just leave it there for all the world to see. So I balled up the paper and rushed out of the room.

Now I know that wasn't hilarious but it sure was funny in my head!

The Testing

For those of you who are trying and are in this process you know what I mean about the testing. Now for those who aren't on this journey like me let me give you a peak into the madness.

It all begins with that first meeting with the doc. We start making a plan. Of course he wants you to start charting. Charting is when you get your lovely thermometer and take your nice temperature before you get your butt out of bed or move too much. It sounds easy but oh no, it is maddening. I am one who has to pee in the night. There is no way I can hold it. So you need a temperature after 4 hours of sleep. That is hard to get sometimes. NOW you may ask, what do you do with that temperature? If you are like me you start the old fashioned you... you chart on paper as your temperature goes up and down. You want to see if and when you ovulate, your temp will spike up and stay up for 3 days when you do O. It all sounds so easy but that chart doesn't always agree with you. It goes all over the place. Man is it ever frustrating. It even becomes stressful and makes you go crazy. Hopefully as you chart for those 3 months you find a good computer program on the web that can help you keep from cheating on that paper. How crazy you become when you start moving that dot of temperature to the place you want it to go. BAD but it does happen!

Along with the charting you do some blood work to check out your levels and thyroid. I am sure a few other things but I didn't bother to ask. All I wanted was a tiny answer, nothing too big. I got a call from the nurse after my bloodwork. She said that they found a problem. Of course I am on my cell phone with her on my way home from work. I had to pull into a gas station because I just knew that some how that little problem was HUGE! My thyroid was off. I needed additional bloodwork done from an endocrinologist. SCARY is all I thought. So my testing journey moved me onto another doctor who took more blood and asked more questions. I was put on a drug to balance that out. I was so excited! This was my answer. Of course this was 2 years ago. Not the answer I was hoping for.

During my first round of testing my husband had to do his own. He had to go 'jerky lurky' in a closet with lovely magazines. We were hoping for a good count. I offered to help but he wanted to do it on his own. The results came back and they needed another test! I laughed. So bad of me. The next test showed that there was a small problem. We thought that was the reason. He was sent to another doctor to see or feel what could be wrong. All of that ended up with 'all is fine, we both just have a small problem and need to do the do everyday'! Whatever to that!

Since all of that turned up nothing we moved on to me having an hsg. Of course I don't know what those letters mean. I could look it up but it isn't important to me. But here is how it all works... You go to a radiological and they check out your tubing. You get undressed, put on the paper gown, lay on the cold table that doesn't have stirrups, listen to the doctor tell you how they haven't done many of these, open up, clench the air as the doc puts in the small spaghetti sized tube into your cervix with a little balloon at the end, then move up the table with something up in you. I have to stop there since my tube popped out and the day got very unhappy with me. Yeah like I popped it out on purpose! So we start all over again, then the dye. Man the dye hurts like crazy! CRAMP CRAMP CRAMP city! Not only does it hurt but you have to roll over on each side and watch the dye run through your tubes. MY TUBES WERE CLEAR! That is what I wanted to hear. Now you have to get off the table walk to the bathroom while the dye runs out and you get to put the world's largest pad on and walk out of the office trying not to let the world know you are wearing a diaper.

Now what do you do when all the tests are clear? What is the problem? Well I was overwhelmed and took a break. It also didn't help that my husband was not around much and doing the do on the right time seemed impossible.

The next step was the final test, a laparoscopy. They put you under and put a scope through your belly while filling it full of air. They also put a 'probe' in (you like my technical talk) on one side of your belly. I had 3 probes and one in my hoohoo! This process can take up to 1 1/2 hours or just 30 minutes. Mine was the full time. The doc takes pictures of your insides as he tries to remove any 'bad stuff'. Well I had bad stuff for sure! I had endometriosis everywhere. The worse case he had ever seen. He shares this with my family as I try to wake up. As I am waking up I am HURTING like I had sex with an elephant. Of course I yell that a few times that day to whoever would listen. The recovery is a lot longer than I had planned but it gave me time to be taken care of by my mom and feel super loved.

Now with the discovery of the problem the testing stops and the treatment begins. The testing journey can be different for each person. Some doctors do the bloodwork and then move on to treatment and drugs. I am glad mine kept testing even though it was painful each step of the way.

The One Year Mark

When we began this journey of trying to create life, we didn't think it would be a long journey. But the one year mark came and we were confused. It just wasn't 'normal'. So the appointment was made. I was to go talk to a doctor about the one year mark. Boy was I scared. Of course I went alone. I do most things like this alone. I am a big girl!

I of course waited forever in the waiting room with other woman. Some were pregnant. Others weren't showing or were in my boat. I flipped through the pregnancy magazines thinking when could I use the knowledge that I got from them. Then I get called into the back. There were the scales, the blood pressure, the temperature, the peeing in a cup, the paperwork. The paperwork was the scariest. So many questions about me and my husband. Questions that made me think. What was are problem?

I then got moved into the doc's private room. There I waited some more. My fears were mounting. Maybe we couldn't have children. Or maybe this doctor would be our 'savior'. The doctor entered and didn't take long to begin. Questions, questions, questions. Intrusive. I almost felt violated with the questions. He was so blunt and straight forward. He told me the reality, more than likely we wouldn't be able to have children. We needed to start thinking of our options.

It took my breath away, those words. I was shocked! How did he know that? He hadn't even known me more than 10 minutes. The tears started to rise. My head started to swim. I just wanted out of that office. But it did bring me to reality. What was our problem?

The testing would begin...

My life changed that day. My faith was tested. My life would never be the same.