Monday, June 04, 2007

Trying Hard

I am trying very hard this morning to paste a smile on my face.

I am trying hard not to be bitter.

I am very hard not to say, "Why not me?"

I want to be happy for others. I am trying to do this~!

Trying to see the brighter side.

Trying to understand.

BOY is it ever hard!

Of course I asked for this announcement. I didn't want to hear about it face to face. I asked for her to test. I wanted to just get it over with. I was hoping for good things but yet hoping I got it first. The odds were stacked up against her. She is over weight and older. So is her husband. She has only been trying for a VERY short time. I am so glad she didn't have to go through the pain of it all. But why not me?

Okay I slipped. I guess I am not trying hard enough. Thank God I haven't cried yet. Thank God I checked my work email before I left the house. Thank God I have a long commute to try to be composed before I had to see her this morning.

I heard a song on my ride in this morning that will help me fake it through the day. Of course I can't find it now that I need it!

*Please don't think I am not happy for you. I truly am. It is just bittersweet. There is nothing that can change it!

9 comments:

Chrystie said...

Oh, sweet Sunny. There is nothing fair about it, and honestly, I think that if, after all your glorious efforts, you still can't try hard enough, then DON'T. Just be blue today. And know that I'd hop on a plane and kiss the daylights out of you, if I could!

DD said...

What this person needs to understand is that your sadness is not about her good luck, it is about why you are experiencing the bad. No matter how badly you want it for the other person, and no matter how long or hard their road has been, any success that is not yours right now is painful. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I can only hope that soon, your time will come up to be blessed.

Laura said...

UGH! I'm sorry sweetie. It's okay to NOT put on a pretty smile and fake it. You can have a blah day today. I sure do love you sweetums! ((hugs))

Chris said...

It is so hard to deal with other people's good news, especially when it is the kind of good news we want for ourselves. We just gotta hope and pray that your good news comes soon!

niobe said...

I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. You're clearly trying as hard as anyone possibly could. Really, anyone in your position would feel that this is just completely unfair. And, of course, it is.

One thing I tell myself that helps me a little (though I don't know if it would help you at all) is that there's not a fixed amount of luck or happiness in the world.

In other words, just because she has good news doesn't mean that it's any less likely that you'll have good news yourself.

FattyPants said...

Announcements suck.

I wish I could add some comfort to that.

Please let yourself feel what you need to. Its not mean or selfish, its just a byproduct of dissapointment.

PCOSMama said...

If she is a good enough friend that you knew about the possibility, then she should be a good enough friend to understand why you are sad. It's okay to be happy for someone else, but for your own sadness to overwhelm those happy feelings. When you've been trying for so long, every other person's pregnancy is hard to deal with. I don't think it will ever change and you need to deal with your own feelings right now. She will have plenty of people gushing over her good news - you go right ahead and feel sad for a bit. You have that right.

Melissa said...

I so understand the bittersweetness of such announcements. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and don't feel guilty about it.

I am praying for you!

anji said...

I totally understand :(

Wish I didn't! *hugs*