Clomid isn't Nice

I tried really heart to speak kindly to my little pill. I loved on her. Spoke to her with sweet talk. SHE IS EVIL! For some reason she just doesn't like me today. I can only hope she falls in love with me by Monday for my u/s.

This morning my insides felt like they were on fire and jumping all over the place. My hands were even shaking. With the growing anxiety building inside rage quickly took over its place. Then it ended with a nice hot flash with exhaustion.

Last time Clomid was a good girl. She just gave me little hot flashes. I can do hot flashes. I loved with them for a year on Lupron. But now she is a really bad girl. Tonight is my last night inviting little c into my 'bed'. I am ready to move onto my big man the shot!

On another note, Hugg*es reminded me I should have a 9 month old. Truly nice. I wish I could sue! If I end up with multiples I might just send them a letter demanding free diapers.

Happy Almost Friday!

Baby Shower, Lubricants, and Food

I had a baby shower to go to yesterday. I was torn about going. I wanted to go but you know the drill. My friend had a miscarriage before mine. I knew that she understood one way or another. In the end I decided to go. I really wasn't worried about the gift time. That is the part I usually hate. I wasn't worried about the oohing and ahhing that always goes one. I was worried about being the only not pregnant or without children. It happens sometimes. During those showers the conversations are ALWAYS about their babies or children. I think I would have died. Thank God it didn't happen like that. But I decided that the only way an infertile can go to a baby shower is LOOKING HOT! All eyes are on you thinking, WOW she looks so good. If I don't have a child at least I can still dress nice. HA! I refused to look frumpy and people think, Oh poor Sunny, she is infertile. NOPE I didn't give them that chance.

Don't you like how my title has the word lubricants in it? HA! Here's the story. Being an infertile every chance we have that very romantic moment between the sheets with our husbands (okay I am trying to make it sound better than every time we have business sex) it could be the chance we get pregnant. So no lubricants can be used. Either we work hard to make our own OR we just sandpaper it and make it quick. Since we are going to Jamaica, the IUI is done, I am in the 2ww I decided that we need some lubes! I am sure we have some at home but I also don't know how old the stuff is. It has been a LONG time since it was used. Okay sorry for the long build up. I was in Target and decided that just a little tube would be perfect. I get the the protection aisle and there are 5 teenage boys there. They had no clue what to buy. They were laughing and nervous. One would say, "Get this one." The other would say, "No this one looks like fun." The boy that was buying them would just say, "Guys I don't have a clue." This went on for a good 5 minutes. I didn't want to embarrass them or bother them so I roamed all the other aisles but everyone could hear them. Finally after I walked until my feet hurt I almost went to help them. I was going to say, "Just get the regular ones. They are cheaper and work just fine." But by the time I got there they had left. I grabbed my little spray lube and laughed all the way to the counter. I couldn't wait to blog about that moment.

Finally I was so bad yesterday. Okay wait, I went to Whole Foods and bought all kinds of health pills to help me get over Mono. My mom gave me a list of things I needed to get healthy. So I had a bag of health in my car but decided to stop at McDonald's to get a snack wrap and fries. I NEVER eat there but it was calling my name. DON'T get the snack wrap. A waste of money. DO get a medium fry!!! THEN I ate chips and dip along with some candy and the health stuff. What is my problem? I should be feeding my body wonderful things but instead in goes crap!

Oh one more thing, I hate labeling. I am not a control freak. It actually stresses me out but since I started I have to continue. Don't ask me why but I just have to. I just needed to let you all know how much I hate them!

One more sleep until Jamaica!!!

Google Calendar

Google Calendar is my brain. I have so many dates to keep up with that it drives me nuts. I need to type my appointments in and get my little morning notice. Something to stick in my head throughout my day.

Well the other day I went to add all my March dates and guess what? March 20th showed up with .... Birthday?!!!

Boy was I stupid to put that in my calendar! My heart dropped and I quickly erased it. I would have died to have that little morning notice on the 20th.

How could I forget that day?

Held

I need to be held tonight. I need to be held tight. I feel like I am unraveling. It just all hit me. Well maybe not. It has been slowly coming. The heaviness that sits on your chest. The feeling that you can't breathe.

I just need a moment for me. I need to go through my short little pile of memories from this summer. I need to look at the 'baby' picture and touch 'her' things. I need to just be.

I don't want to get here again. I don't want to sink low and not be able to get back out of the pits of despair. I have been so good. I have stayed high. PLEASE don't let me fall!

I hope this feeling lightens soon. I don't think I can hold on like this treading water and putting on my mask until April. I hope it is just a 'tonight' thing. The long days, the to do's and dates, the wine, the stress, the pms, Grumps.

I just need to be held tight tonight. Not by any flesh arms but supernatural arms. God's arms. I need to be held tight!

Hold me Jesus
by Rich Mullins

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Does Anyone Need...

Any diapers, Huggies or Pampers?

OR do you need some baby formula?

All of those things came in the mail to me this week. I guess they think a baby is coming to my house soon. They were misinformed!

The Mystery of the Numbers

This week has been a total roller coaster ride. I went from being high to low to high again. It just makes me love this baby even more.

Today I felt the world praying for us. The nurses and doctors were even praying as the doctor did the sonogram. We were all praying to see this little baby's heartbeat screaming to us, I AM ALIVE!!!

When we saw the baby on the screen it was like time stood still. We all watched in silence waiting and hoping to see life. Then all of a sudden a little flicker was seen. Tears began to stream down my face. My baby was alive! The baby that I have longed for since I was 5 was truly living inside me. All the worries of numbers and any other thought were diminished. We were staring at a miracle!

The doctor said that it was the most beautiful baby she has ever seen. I have to agree with her! It was the smallest baby with a heart beat that she had ever seen. She agreed that we truly were watching a miracle.

On the way into the room I ran into Sweet Doctor. He asked me how I was doing. I told him that I wasn't doing very well. He gave me a look and put his arm around me as I began to cry and tell him our fears. After the doctor was done she ran off to show everyone the little miracle of life that was inside of me. Sweet Doctor came right in and gave me the biggest hug. He said that today was the worst and best day in a long time! He couldn't stop talking about God's amazing miracle.

The Numbers...

I asked the doctor about those crazy numbers. She said that I could have had twins and lost one. That would have cost my numbers to go crazy. She also said that it could have been an error. Finally she said that she really had no clue what caused my numbers not to double. The numbers don't matter anymore. We saw a heartbeat. That brings any risk down to only 5%! She wants to really watch me and this little one closely. I will be having many more sonograms! Darn, I will have to see my beautiful baby again and again! August 9th at 2:30 is the next time! Grumps will get to go this time. By the way, when I sent him the page letting him know that we still have a baby and I saw the heart beat, he almost cried. He is SO PROUD!

Thank you all who prayed for us! Thank you for waking up in the night and early morning saying prayers. Thank you for the many emails and well wishes! Thank you S for taking phone calls and keeping everyone up to speed. Thank you D for being right there by my side. I know that it was just as hard for you as it was for me. Thank you K for celebrating this afternoon. But most of all THANK YOU GOD FOR KEEPING OUR BABY!!!!

We have a HEART BEAT!!!

My Sad Numbers

I finally got the phone all. My numbers didn't double. They barely moved at all. The doctor is concerned and so am I. I am going in for a sonogram tomorrow. At 6weeks 1day you should be able to see the baby's heartbeat.

Grumps has to work so I will be taking a friend.

Please pray for a miracle! God can do ANYTHING!!!

Heavy Heart!

My numbers didn't double! My heart is heavy. Thank you D for being there today! It totally helped.

Grumps has a VERY heavy heart too. I told him not to let the worry overtake him but to pray that this baby will LIVE AND NOT DIE!

Please pray for us tonight! This baby just has to make it!

Freak Out Night

It is amazing how your brain can go from one worry to the next in a blink of an eye.

This journey has been very hard. I found my faith to be stretched beyond what I thought was possible. You would think now that I have my baby inside of me I would feel at peace. I feel even more torn. I am trying very hard not to fear and worry and fret.

Today I have had that worry feeling all day. I have prayed and prayed. Nothing bad ever happened but doubt set in. I hate doubt!!! My doctor's office called letting me know that my blood test was great. Numbers are up. Progesterone good. I was all smiles. Then she said, "The doctor would like for you to come in for another blood test tomorrow before you schedule your sonogram." I have already scheduled that appointment.

I freaked out! My mind went to bad thoughts. Maybe they saw something wrong and need to see more results. It was never ending in my head. I went to the message boards and posted. I went to my online friends and posted. I needed to know that everything was okay. I went to God and asked for peace and saving mercies for this baby.

My friends all believe that my doctor wants to keep a close eye on me. They want to make sure all is well and if not they want to be right there to try to fix it. My doctor friend told me that your numbers need to be at a certain level in order for them to see a heart beat on a sonogram. They might be checking that to make sure all is well. The doctor who asked for more bloodwork done is a different doctor who I did my first appointment with.

With all that being said and thought through I am better. It is just amazing how I used to freak out about not having kids. Now I freak out about the life inside of me.

I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO GOD!!!

Prayers

The journey to this little bean inside of me has been a hard journey. But I know we would have never made it here without the many prayers that have covered us. I don't think we can even grasp how many people have been praying for this little life inside my body.

Close friends

Family

Distant friends

Internet friends

Friends of friends

Friends of family

The list goes on and on. When I share my news it never fails that tears well up in both eyes. Mine because my dream is totally in the making. The other person's because their prayers have been answered.

Thank you all for praying for us. But I ask you to please NOT stop.

It is amazing how fears creep up into my head. I know that Grumps is carrying many himself. I told him what I do when they try to push into my head. I begin to thank God for this baby. I pray that He will protect it. That our baby will grow strong and healthy. I pray. The peace settles and my mind is cleared. Sometimes the peace lasts for the rest of the day. Other times, the fear moment comes back a few minutes later.

I know that many of you might think we are crazy for sharing our news with you so early. In fact back in the beginning days of this journey, my plan was to keep our news a secret for the first trimester. But after 3 1/2 years of trying and the world praying for us, I couldn't keep it a secret. Now if it were up to Grumps the secret would have been kept for as long as possible. I pushed to spread the word.

We need people to continue to pray for this life. I need everyone to believe with us that this baby or babies will grow to completion. So if you pray please pray for us. It doesn't have to be a long prayer. It can be just a few words. "God please keep this baby strong and healthy!"

Thank you for being part of this journey with us!