Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Not How We Thought It Would Be

I have been toying with a title for this post for days. Here are a few of them.

5 year anniversary - yep we have been doing this dance for 5 years. I could have had a 4 year old if it had worked the way it is 'supposed to'.

5 out of 7 - how many days I was at the RE last week.

Busted - my IUI cycle.

Laying EGGS - I had more eggs than my body knew what to do with them.

A year of my fertile life - about how many eggs I lost this month.

The Big Scary Step - what is now upon us.

And finally what I ended up with!

Lets just skip to the chase. There will be no IUI this week. I over produced. I had over 20 follicles form. 12 turned into something. 7 to 9 moved into good sized follicles for producing something. The idea of IVF got thrown out there by the BIG office but quickly got taken back by the real thinkers who know my cycle. There was talk of if I would consider selective reduction if needed in order to go through with this IUI. I couldn't make that call. So I got the call Monday afternoon to end this little game we were playing and go onto the pill. I haven't been on the pill in over 8 years. I was also told to use another form of protection of we had relations. We haven't used protection in 5 years.

With all this disappointment and throwing around ideas Grumps and I were left frustrated. We are tired of playing games and changing schedules to fit my bodies schedule. We are tired of the maybes and oops each month. We have decided to move towards IVF.

We sat together in silence letting the idea sink in. We were sad. Sad because we never thought we would have to be here. In fact at the beginning of all of this we both pretty much said we would never go down this road. Grumps was for sure not bending on the idea. Now it was decided on without much discussion.

I talked with my amazing RE! (He called the day of the cancellation making sure I was okay and being there to answer questions. He also answered my email right away. What doctor has email?) I didn't want to be on the pill for 2 months before we could start everything. So this is my pill and lupron month. I will start my lupron shots the first week of March.

I know YEAH for moving ahead. YEAH this will work. YEAH I am so excited. I have heard it all. But we all know it might not. I am guarding myself. I am guarding Grumps too. We aren't telling family right now. I don't want them to be disappointed. You can cheer us on but be careful, we are pretty breakable.

21 comments:

Meghan said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry this cycle was a bust. I won't give you any of those pep talks...I always found them annoying. I'm just sorry you put so much in...to get nothing out.

If you need anything, just give me a call

Lori said...

And pretty strong, too.

Fertilize Me said...

I am sending you warm thoughts!

Lea Bee said...

lots of warm fuzzies to you sunny. making the call to go to IVF is a really really hard one. honestly, nobody thinks they will end up there. but it will be worth it in the end.

JJ said...

Im sorry Sunny...it really is hard to put into words the emotions you go through as you realize its time to take out the big guns of IVF.
I know its a "breakable" time, but I have no doubt that you and Grumps will make it to the other side.
Always here for ya girl...

kellg said...

So sorry to hear about your cancelled cycle. But at least you know you stim well! Enjoy the break from daily visits to the RE, try to relax and get ready for the roller coaster (hopefully your cycle will be smooth sailing). Thinking of you both!

Leah said...

I'm sorry to hear about this cycle. I'm wildly jealous of your 20 follicles, but understand that they aren't all that thrilling when they don't come at the right time.

It sucks that you have to make so many hard decisions. It sucks that you don't have (at least) a 4 year old running around the house.

But, hopefully, IVF won't suck. Hopefully it will be exactly what you need. You can be sure that I will be praying each and every day for you!

xoxo

Amy said...

Sorry to hear about your cancelled cycle...good luck with IVF! ((HUGS))

DD said...

I'm sorry about this cycle, Sunny. The choices there were difficult. I know that sense of innocence lost when facing your first IVF. I pray it is both the first and last for the best of reasons.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm so sorry that your cycle got canceled! Moving on is a big step. I'm wishing you all the best.

jill said...

Love you and praying!

tracey said...

sorry this last round was craptastic. i don't have magic words and you know every verse i know. love you and grumps and really sorry you're hurting & breakable, breakable. it hurts my heart to see you both sad.

Shelby said...

I'm so sorry your cycle was a bust! But I do applaud your attitude. I really do hope that IVF is what works for you! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

The Town Criers said...

I am so sorry that your cycle was canceled. And I am here for whenever you need a break during IVF for ice cream. I'll even cross the bridge for you. But not during rush hour :-)

FattyPants said...

I'm sorry your cycle was cancelled. Holy moly that is a lot of eggs! It also sucks to find yourself moving into a spot you would never be, but congrats for making the big decision to move onto ivf. We will all be cheering you on.

Melissa said...

Just praying for you....

M said...

Boo about the cancelled cycle - but so glad to hear you've made the decision to move ahead with ivf...
x

Beagle said...

Tough choices. Sorry this cycle was cancelled. Gentle cheers and Good Luck wishes for the next step . . .

Allison said...

I'm sorry. I identified so much with your post. That "next step" - that was really just the back-up plan that you were never supposed to have to use. It is bittersweet - good to have a plan, but sad to have to use it.

Good plan in not telling your family. Mine was totally sure that IVF would work. So sure, I think they kind-of convinced skeptical me. I understand being guarded. I'll likely be an IVF cycle buddy with you, so just call if you need anything.

Corn Child said...

I'm with you too. We start our IVF in March. Scary. But we're going to make it, girl!

Big hugs to you and Grumps.

Kristen said...

I'll be praying for you sweetie. XOXO