Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Exhausted

That word sums up me right now. I am tired beyond words this week. I am tired body, mind and soul. This journey is wearing me out. This week is in slow motion. I feel like I am walking through thick mud and not making any progress. I am in last place in this infertility race today. Everybody is passing me by. It is amazing to even be lapped. How frustrating. How tiring. How... EXHAUSTING!!!

Today I have decided that this journey is the hardest place I have ever been. Maybe it is just because I am in the middle of it and the end seems so far away. But it is just so hard. I feel lost and hopeless. I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling alone even though I know I have the most amazing support group ever! I am tried of watching everyone getting their dreams as I sit on the sidelines. I am not bitter. I am just tired.

Tonight I tried to think back to what normal feels like. I don't remember. When life is normal and drugs aren't present is life this tiring? Do you feel sluggish? Does your body feel old? Do you hurt one minute and feel fine the next? Are you this emotional? I am ready for NORMAL!!! I have no answers. I don't even have a road map. All I know is that I am exhausted.

I, this blog is for you. I am not dead yet.

4 comments:

Jay said...

((((((HUGS)))))) Take your rest. You are on a difficult journey and you need your strength. Take care of yourself so you have what you need to keep on going.

snapshots said...

Love that you wrote what you are feeling. I got your email before I read this post, so I knew you were still around. teeheehee. Just have to check on you. Being in the "depths of the valley" is so difficult sometimes. Remember, there are people carrying you right now. Love you super much!

laura said...

Honestly, getting lapped is just part of the deal. It happens so, so often, I've just tried to paste on a smile and move on. Sometimes - if you're lucky - you can get lapped twice by the same person ... that's a real good feeling!

I think everyone going through IF feels alone at some point. Even if you have the best friends, family, support in the world, noone can truly understand what's going on inside that head of yours. But you can try to explain it to them, and they can try even harder to understand.

I'm not sure "normal" is a place you can ever get to. Try to relish in the "now" and hope for a brighter future.

Sunny said...

Thank you girls! I had a much better day. ::hugs and kissess::