Saturday, January 20, 2007

The Envelope

My doctor told me to give him a call when I got my RE appointment scheduled. He wanted to send me off with some of my files and the lovely pictures of my insides that he cherishes so much. I had to promise to return them. He deserves to keep them for all the work he has done for me.

Of course when I called to ask if my files were ready I got a HUGE, "HEY SUNNY!" When I went into the office I got big smiles and hugs. We talked and joked and hoped that I would return soon with good news.

All the way home I thought about that envelope. I wanted to open it and take a little look at all those notes my doctors keep. All the reports and charts. I didn't open it.

Right now it is sitting on my kitchen table with the file that needs to be filled out for my new RE. My name is on the envelope. It is sealed with tape. I know that the seal isn't to keep me out. I know that I have all the right in the world to open it and read. But I don't.

I won't.

I can't.

I know what it all says. I know what my body has turned into. I know what the doctors have told me. I know that they don't lie or distort the facts. BUT what if there is something that I didn't know. What if there is more to my miscarriage. More little details that were 'forgotten'.

I know I am totally crazy. I know I should just take a look but I can't. Man that envelope is going to haunt me in my sleep for another week!

9 comments:

Meri-ann said...

You're a better woman than me- there is NO WAY on earth I wouldn't be opening that envelope! When I got my records to give to my new RE I spent ages poring over them.... I kind of like the scientific side of this whole journey, it does give me some hope. There's no emotion, no feelings, just facts....

Curly Mommy said...

I don't mean to be stupid, but what does RE stand for?

I would have to read every word in that envelope. I would not be able to resist. I have done so with my own records a few times.

Doctors really do have horrible handwriting!

babydreams said...

You are a stronger person than I! I would have looked in that envelope as soon as I got in the car.

When I had my ectopic pregnancy, I looked at every lab, ultrasound report, history, and surgical report I could get access to. Because I am a nurse in a hospital, it was a little easier to do that. To see the whole ordeal from just an objective, medical standpoint, gave me a helpful perspective and I was able to separate myself from my emotions for just a short time.

If you wouldn't feel comfortable opening the envelope, do not do it.

Anonymous said...

Your body changes according to how you feel. If you learn to FEEL great (and you do this by induction: incense, nice hot bath, etc, begin every day with a smile, etc), your body will BE great. Especially when it comes to reproduction, it is important that the body feels so good it just wants to reproduce.

Chrystie said...

Oh, Sunny, you KNOW you're gonna cave and open that envelope up and read it!!!! I bet you ten bucks that it won't be anything "new". It's all very "scientific", and factual. QUITE boring and uninteresting! If it were ME, not only would I read it all, I'd be making photocopies of it before returning it to my doc, ha ha! But, if you think your heart will be (more) sore if you read it, then just leave it up to your RE to decipher. I am amazed at your self control!!

laura said...

Open it! Open it! It's your body, your facts and figures. And it's interesting, if nothing else. On my last visit to my OB/GYN, she left my file in the room when she had to run out and see another patient (she also left another patient's file, but that's an argument for another time!) But it was fascinating to read all the files from my pregnancy and birth, and they even had some files from the babies themselves. It certainly can't hurt, and maybe you'll learn some nifty new medical terms you can use in conversation with your new RE.

And Curley Mama, an RE is a Reproductive Endicrinologist (fertility specialist).

Curly Mommy said...

OH, Reproductive Endocrinologist! Thanks for making me less stupid.

GLouise said...

I vote to read it!

One of my friends read an old file from her former OB/GYN, and discovered some information that the Dr had THOUGHT she had conveyed. But hadn't! Oops! You may just learn something helpful....

Wishing you all the best!!!!

Mel said...

It's not often that a person get an oppurtunity to take a peek at what is written in their medical files. I used to be a candy striper who worked in medical records when I was a teenager, and I found my own records one day and took a look. It's wasn't a surprise, but cool seeing the technical results. If I were you, I'd look. If you aren't going to, get rid of that thing ASAP. Otherwise, it will continue to haunt you. :) Wishing you the best with your new RE. Going to a new RE for me was the best thing I did.