Monday, March 17, 2008

Give Your Mama a Kiss

Today my mind is heavy and so is my heart. Thoughts, scenes and memories are flooding me.

I got the call yesterday morning. My dad was taking my mom to the ER. She had shortness of breath. I began to pray and wait. After church I was headed to meet up with the DC bloggers when I got the second call. My dad was calling me back.

"Sunny, the doctor just left the room. We just got the news." My dad was struggling to stay composed. I could tell he was about to lose it.

"Your mom has cancer. It is in both breasts and in her chest cavity. She has had it for 5 years. I felt her breast this morning and it is hard as a rock. She doesn't want chemo or radiation. The hospital cannot help her. They are sending her home with things to help her breathe. She is strong. We are believing God will heal her." He then chokes up and blames himself. "I should have known. I would ask her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating, why did she have the cough. She would give excuses." My dad's heart was broken. The reason he lives is for my mom and now she is sick. Very sick.

All I can do is stay strong for him. Listen. Let him ramble. I ask a couple of questions, but I am in shock myself. I asked if he wanted me to call my brother. He was thankful I offered. He said he couldn't make it through another phone call. I hung up with my dad feeling so very far away.

I called Grumps, still composed. He sent me home. No lunch with the girls. I began to call my friends who knew I was waiting for the phone call. Without asking they said they were on their way to my house. I then began to cry. I cried all the way home. I cried alone on my couch waiting. I finally composed myself and called my brother. As soon as I heard his voice and began to tell him the news I broke. He broke. In fact he pretty much hung up on me. He was so at a loss.

My girls and Grumps arrived at the house. My favorite junk food was brought to feed the troops, stuff for rice krispy treats, ice cream, and choco chip cookie dough. They let me cry. They held me. They made me laugh. They helped me forget for a moment how my world was unraveling. I am so thankful for my friends. They knew what to do.

Grumps was amazing. He busied himself with taking care of the girls. He was the one who made the cookies. My husband doesn't cook. BUT he read the instructions, made the biggest cookies ever and even put them on the cooling rack. He is my hero.

The rest of the day was a blur of tears and phone calls. My mom called to check on me. Oh so her to make sure we were all right. You could hear the smile in her voice. I told her I was sad and angry. She told me later that night she was only trying to protect us. She didn't want to rock our world. She was waiting for God to take it away. It just hasn't happened yet.

I want to be there right now with my mom. I want to make food for her. I want to clean her house. I want to watch movies, tell stories and just be in her presence. Yet I am here in the middle of my first IVF cycle. I have debated ending it and flying there. I don't think she would want that. She is surrounded by those who love her. I will go soon. I am not sure when. I need more information. There is talk of taking her to a top hospital near my brother. If that is the case it would be so easy to fly there. But my head is spinning.

Every thing that comes out of my mouth makes me think of my mom. Every thing I do is something she taught me. Pictures in my house bring back memories. I want to make more of those moments with my mom. I want my children to know her. I am not giving up hope. I just wish my mind would turn off and be at peace.

I will stand firm this Easter on what Jesus did for us. His stripes are for my mom's healing.

Call your mom's today. If she lives close, give her a kiss and hug. If she is far make a visit. Enjoy every moment you can with her.

44 comments:

Jen said...

Oh, I am so sorry. Please let us know if there is anything we can do.

I will be praying for you.

Maygy said...

You and your family will be in my prayers, especially during this Holy Week and Easter. I am so very sorry.

The Town Criers said...

I couldn't stop crying reading this. I'm just so sorry, Sunny.

Tina said...

I am so, so sorry... Will be keeping you and your family in our prayers.

Meghan said...

I just sobbed reading this. I am so so sorry and wish there was something I could do to take some of your pain off your shoulders and heart, at least for a little while. Know that I'll be praying for your family

Fertilized said...

No words, just tears, hugs and prayers for your family

Kristen said...

Oh, Sunny, I am so terribly sorry. My prayers are with you and your family right now. As far as your cycle goes, do what you feel is right in your heart. I'm sending lots of love your way and if you need anything, please don't hesitate to call or write. XOXO

DD said...

I'll be thinking of you and your family and hoping strength will be found in you all during this time.

Journeywoman said...

I'm so sorry.

Cathleen said...

Oh Sunny...Words just don't seem adequate. I am so, so very sorry.

I will be praying for all of you.

JJ said...

Sunny, I dont my written words are anywhere near the level of what I want to express-I am just so sad to read this.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers, and as many have said before me--please let me know if there is anything at all I can do.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

oh my, my heart is breaking for you. I just found your site through lost and found. I wish I could help. you are in my prayers.

Carrie said...

I am so sorry that you are having to face such an awful time in your life.
It sounds like you have great support, I hope you can lean on it and let them help you get through.
Much love xx

Shelby said...

Sunny, I'm so, so sorry. I cried while reading this, and am just heartbroken. There's not much worse than having your mom be ill and not being able to get to her. Hopefully you'll be able to see her and shower her with hugs and kisses soon.

Sending you lots of hugs!

Allison said...

Oh hon. I am so sad to read this. It made me cry. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Lori said...

Oh, Sunny. Sending you, your mom and dad healing thoughts of light and love.

I'm so sorry.

FattyPants said...

Oh sunny Im so sorry. I will be praying for your moms health tonight.

annacyclopedia said...

Came over from the Lost and Found - I am so very sorry. You and your mom and your whole family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

JuliaS said...

You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

I wish there was more we could do or say for you.

tracey said...

hey baybay - prayed for you this morning - it was a breakable kind of day wasn't it? GOD holds your mom, your hope & His timing in His hands. we're here for you, armed with more cookie dough & ben & jerry's - just say the word.

The Fawley Family said...

oh sunny - I am so sorry to hear this. I will keep you all in my prayers!

Trish said...

I'm so sorry Sunny..
When I read "my mom called to check on me" I smiled through the tears on my face.
I was not blessed with a mom like that (mine left when I was 2) but I truly hope to be a mom like yours.. And hope to see you be one as well. I'll be praying your mom gets a miracle and gets to see it happen.

choose me. . . . love me said...

Sunny, I just read this, and wow, what a shock this must be for you. I will be praying for you and your mom. My dad had cancer; he is fine now, but I still worry that one day it may come back. Love you. Let me know if you need anything. I haven't seen you in forever it seems.

Cibele said...

Came over from the Lost and Found I am so so sorry... I'll pray for healing and strenght

Rose C said...

I am devastated for the news that you received today. Know that I am praying for you.

Almamay said...

I'm so sorry. I lost my mom to cancer 5 years ago when I was going through treatment. It is never easy. You sound surrounded by love. Sending a little more.

Morrisa said...

I am so so sorry...you are in my prayers.

Amber said...

Oh Sunny... I am so sorry, this is hard. I know this feeling, and I want to hug you! I'll be there soon and I will make something that includes chocolate and a bottle of wine.

missm said...

Sunny ... no words are good enough. I will pray for you and her and your family.

PCOSMama said...

Sunny I am so sorry! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Chris said...

Oh Sunny, I'm so, so sorry and just don't have words for you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong and let Grumps and your friends take care of you during this time.

Alli said...

I'm so sorry for everything. M

Corn Child said...

Oh Sunny. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else I can say to take away the hurt you are feeling, but I'm thinking of you and your family right now.

Bea said...

I just heard. I'm so sorry. I am wishing your mum and your family strength.

Bea

m said...

Oh no, I'm just so very, very sorry. You and your family are in my heart and thoughts....

x

SarahSews said...

Here from L&F and wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your family are facing this.

Larisa said...

I'm so so sorry Sunny. You are in my thoughts.

Jay said...

There are no words.. just lots of love and prayers.

Dawn/NCBuckeye/FF said...

Sunny, I'm crying with you. Sending you all of my strength, and through God, may it multiply. Love, Dawn

kellg said...

Thinking of you and your mom during this stressful time and praying for multiple miracles.

Newt said...

I'm so so sorry. My heart is with you and your family. I'll be watching for updates, and hoping for good news.

Kenna said...

I have checked up on your blog a couple times, and I know nothing I can say will ease what you are feeling, but I cried for you. I will keep you in my thoughts, and I'm going to call my mom today. I have been mad at her this week, but I need to get over it. Thank you for the encouragement to do what's right.

Cindy said...

I know you don't know me, I just lurk here and there but I just wanted to say I am so sorry about your mother.

I also wanted to say that you will make it through this and there will be joy in your life again. Wen my mother and stepfather were killed in the accident, the world seemed to stop turning for everyone in our family and I truly thought I would die of the pain. But, I didn't.

I still think of mom everyday, miss her everyday, wish I could hear her voice, wish I could have said goodbye, wish I could see her face one more time BUT, there is not daily pain anymore and there is joy in my life again.

Spend time with your mom, say all you need to say and know that you will see her again, in a place where there is no sorrow.

I am praying for a miracle for your family as well as for peace and comfort.

There are a few things that help/helped me...I though I would share in case they might help you too.

Prayer and the following songs:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Yr7i5L6kFT0

http://youtube.com/watch?v=efYN0_2JsKQ

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4LVGQigNI3c

Jen said...

I'm so, so sorry, Sunny! You and your family will be in our prayers!