Saturday, May 12, 2007

Being Alone

With Mother's Day here all I can think about is my little one who should be in my arms. D's little ones who should be in her arms. All the little babies that have been dreamed about, longed for, and even felt but lost to a better place.

Grumps and I went flower shopping today. He is the one who plants all the flowers in the flower beds. I just refill his glass with his beverage of choice. I don't like getting dirty. I didn't really want to go out today. I knew what I would see. But he wanted me there to help make decisions even though he is always the final voice of wisdom. He really wanted me there to guard his cart. Last year he went alone and his flowers were stolen.

I knew that I would see fathers with their little ones picking out potted flowers and what nots for their mothers. I knew that I would see mothers picking out what would go in the flower beds this year. I knew I would see signs for Mother's Day lunch all around. But I went anyway. It was bittersweet. With the windows down and the music playing I let the wind touch my skin and remind me that I have a good thing. An amazing husband. Tears still welled up in my eyes thinking about this year.

I should have been holding my little one in my arms while we went shopping. We would have giggled. Grumps would have talked to 'her' about why we should get this flower over that one. We would have set outside together watching Grumps plant them instead of just me and the dog.

On the way home a song came on my iPod that I hadn't really listened to before. The words hit home. I am sure the song has nothing to do with infertility. It just spoke to me today. I love my life. I have an amazing life. I just don't want to be alone one day. I want my child to help take care of me. Selfish but true. I don't want to ever be alone.

The last line rings so true these days. "I am not afraid of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work."


snapshots said...

Hugs to you this weekend. btw...I love this song too. For the longest time I had it on a CD in my car on repeat until the CD didn't work anymore (thank goodness i have my iPod now). I seriously listened to this song hundred and hundreds of times. Sometimes it IS the breathing that takes all the work.

Sunny said...

I thought of you when I heard this too. Especially with that last night. LOVE YOU Thank you for understanding!

Chrystie said...

Sunny, it's so weird that you posted this today. R and I were at Home Depot this afternoon, in the garden section, looking for something "gardeny" for my mom, when I thought of YOU. I wondered how you were doing, and if Mother's Day would be hard (no shit, Sherlock). I wondered if you could buy a gift for YOUR mom, without being sad that you weren't on the receiving end. My heart sighed. Perhaps I was thinking of you at the same time you were buying flowers with Grumps? That would be kinda cool. Although, of course, I wish there were no reasons for my heart to sigh for you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you, and have thought of you a lot today.

For true, his flowers were stolen??? I am laughing inside!

Sunny said...

Chrystie you know it was super hard to think about Mothers Day and my mom. I don't want it to be. She is my mom and I love her to pieces. I didn't forget her but I did rush through buying the card and gift card last week. I used to spend a lot longer in the card shop. I would search for the gift for hours. Ummm I spent a total of 15 minutes on my mom this year. I am just proud of myself that I actually remember.

Too cool that you were thinking about me today. I bet it was at the same time. :) And YES his flowers were stolen last year. He was TICKED!


TeamWinks said...

I too went flower shopping for the flower beds, and saw much of the same. I kept reminding myself, "One day, Becky. One day." Not sure if it helped or not.

Today, we will work some more in the yard. Perhaps the hard physical labor will keep us from thinking of our lost little ones. I doubt it though.

Big Pissy said...

Sunny: You know I have two daughters who profess to be close to me and consider me their "best friend".

Yet....I am alone today. No vists. I saw them last weekend for wedding stuff. They gave me a combined gift that cost $35.00 and one card.

I am very upset and have cried about it.

I know I'm lucky....I love my daughters and i know they love me.

But I'm still alone.

and I can't even blog about it b/c they read my blog. :(

Take care, sweetie.

I'll be thinking of you today.


jill said...

I love you and am thinking about you! We need to have that glass (or glasses...) of wine sometime soon!

Chris said...

Oh Sunny, I do feel your pain. You should have your little one in your arms. It's the "what could have beens" that are just so hard, especially on holidays. You are lucky though to be able to help create a beatiful garden with your hubby, one that I hope will bring you happiness as you enjoy a glass of wine.

GLouise said...

I am glad you were able to get through the day, as difficult as it is....Big hugs,

Reproductive Jeans said...

As Chris said, the "what could have been" is hard...I am sorry that it is so hard--I wish we had a magic way of taking all the pain away--but pain is sometimes what helps us remember--sad as it is.
Hugs to you...