Being Alone

With Mother's Day here all I can think about is my little one who should be in my arms. D's little ones who should be in her arms. All the little babies that have been dreamed about, longed for, and even felt but lost to a better place.

Grumps and I went flower shopping today. He is the one who plants all the flowers in the flower beds. I just refill his glass with his beverage of choice. I don't like getting dirty. I didn't really want to go out today. I knew what I would see. But he wanted me there to help make decisions even though he is always the final voice of wisdom. He really wanted me there to guard his cart. Last year he went alone and his flowers were stolen.

I knew that I would see fathers with their little ones picking out potted flowers and what nots for their mothers. I knew that I would see mothers picking out what would go in the flower beds this year. I knew I would see signs for Mother's Day lunch all around. But I went anyway. It was bittersweet. With the windows down and the music playing I let the wind touch my skin and remind me that I have a good thing. An amazing husband. Tears still welled up in my eyes thinking about this year.

I should have been holding my little one in my arms while we went shopping. We would have giggled. Grumps would have talked to 'her' about why we should get this flower over that one. We would have set outside together watching Grumps plant them instead of just me and the dog.

On the way home a song came on my iPod that I hadn't really listened to before. The words hit home. I am sure the song has nothing to do with infertility. It just spoke to me today. I love my life. I have an amazing life. I just don't want to be alone one day. I want my child to help take care of me. Selfish but true. I don't want to ever be alone.

The last line rings so true these days. "I am not afraid of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work."