Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Big Reason

Every year I am the one who is begging Grumps to take me out to buy our tree. I can't wait for the holidays. I can't wait for the music, tree, lights, smells, and memories. This is year is so different. I do not want a tree. I do not want the music.

Christmas this year was suppose to be different. My mom bought me the perfect ornament this summer. Parents to Be. I couldn't wait to put it on my tree. But things changed. The ornament is in my hope chest with all the other memories.

That ornament haunts me on a daily basis. I cannot stop thinking about it. It pops into my thoughts many times during my day. When it pops into my mind many emotions take over. I want that ornament to be true. I just can't bare having a tree without that ornament this year.

I kept the real reason for skipping the tree and decorations from Grumps as long as I could. When I finally told him about the ornament he was speechless and I was fighting back the tears. Grumps understands but he continues to remind me that when I am ready we will go buy the tree. I told him that I will not be ready this year. So instead of a tree he bought me a poinsettia. He made me love him even more. This is our only bit of Christmas that will be in our house this year.


Big Pissy said...

Oh, sweetie....I'm so sorry....but I do understand.

Grumps is being such a sweetheart.

You two are lucky to have each other.


Jen said...

We don't have a tree either the closest I've come to allowing christmas into this house is a musical santa. just can't get into the whole deal this year, I do understand some of what your going through and I if I could I'd wish us all to have very different christmas's where we could all use those ornaments that are firmly tucked away out of sight.

snapshots said...

I wish I could come over and just give you a real hug instead of one of these (((((HUGS))))).

Grumps is so sweet to buy a poinsettia.

Love you!

Mel said...

Grumps sounds like a very compasionate man. Sounds like you can share anything with him. You are very lucky. I am so sorry for the sadness you are feeling around the holidays. Take care of yourself.

Lori Sowers said...

Since my little girl is due Christmas week, I'm more excited than ever this year about Christmas, but I know that while I am full of joy, the same holiday must be so hard for you, especially this year. So I will keep you in my prayers, and not take my little one for granted. And I agree with everyone else, that your husband sounds so sweet about all of this. Who knows, maybe next Christmas will be different?! Maybe you'll get a Christmas miracle. I hope so.

Hopeful Mother said...

Oh, Sunny. I feel for you.

I bought a little stocking a few years ago when we started "trying," thinking that I could put it up the following Christmas.

2 years have passed since I bought that stocking, and it's still not up.

I love that your Grumps knows just what you need. The holidays can be so hard for us.

kellg said...

Sunny: I'm so sorry. I also was dreading the Holidays. I think it is great that you admitted that you weren't in the holiday mood and didn't try to fake it. Grumps does sound great. It is my sincere prayer that this ornament is just a year off and that next Christmas you'll be expecting or enjoying your blessed little one.

GLouise said...

Hi sweetie...oh, that ornament breaks my heart!!!

Last year I did NOT want to decorate for Christmas, AT all...but I eventually broke down and pulled the tree down from the attic, and was happy that I did.

Don't be too hard on yourself!

Jay said...

Oh the ornament is so pretty and still so special. What a wonderful way of remembering your angel. I know it hurts, it always will... just gets a little lighter in time.
I involve my angels on my tree every year. I put their ornament up and remember what could/should have been.

Grumps is amazing for being so thoughtful and caring. You are strong Sunny, remember that.

NWG said...

I can so relate to this. 4 years ago, a close family member died on December 1st. It ruined the holiday for the whole family.

Even the kids.

It hung over us all. None of us could shake it.

We hurried to take the kids photo with Santa, so a copy could go in the casket.

It was painful.

Sunny~ It will get better. And it's ok to mourn. And you will be ok. And when you're ready, go out and buy a special angel ornament to symbolize your baby. That way, the memory will always live on your tree.

It helps. Down the road. Becuase now when I put her ornament on the tree... I take a second to remember her sweetly.

Hang in there kiddo.

southern peach said...

Oh, Sunny... I wish and pray daily that one day that little ornament has a beautiful spot front and center on your tree. Big points for Grumps and his being so wonderful to you at this hard time and being so understanding. Know that you are loved and thought about often! How was your weekend away? *HUGS!!!*

LaDon said...

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I'm praying for you.

LaDon said...

Forget the tree, decorations, cards, fudge, and Fa la la la la...

Christmas is about the Grace that God extended to us.

Rest in His arms. Take you sorrow to Him and let Him wipe your tears.