A Quick Thought

While I am at it I might as well add a quick IF thought.

Being back in a small town I forgot how there really isn't ANYTHING to do but get married, have babies and eat.

Everywhere I turn people WAY younger than me are telling me about their families and asking me about mine. All are shocked when I say I don't have children but am waiting on my miracle. Of course some even say I can have theirs. I laugh and decline.

Well today I was given advice by a very young couple who only slightly dealt with IF. They haven't been trying long but did go through an early miscarriage. BUT they are now pregnant again. Here's the advice... I was eating brownie batter and she said, "You know, you shouldn't be eating that if you are pregnant." HA! Is what I said. She said, "But what if you are pregnant. You just never know." Oh so true but it truly would be a miracle if I was pregnant. I haven't been with my husband in biblical terms in a month. PLUS I am so not young in this trying business. I quit believing those small things would cause a problem. If I truly did I would have a very sad life since I have been on this ride for the past 5 years.

I am not sure if this made sense at all. But seriously, if I hear or see another young pregnant woman OR an 'old friend' who I could careless seeing tell me about their family and why I don't have my own I might hurt someone.

Anyone else used to live in a small town and then went back to visit after turning into an IF? Isn't it hardly bearable?

My Mother's Day Prayer

Every night, as a family, we have devotions. We share what God has shown us that day. We pray, do communion, and give our highlight. Tonight I prayed. I prayed for whomever God brought to my mind. Some are regular requests. Others just come out of the blue. Tonight my heart had a new prayer.

I cried as I prayed for all my 'friends' who are longing for children. I prayed for those who have lost little ones to heaven. I prayed for your void to be filled. Your womb to be healed. Your arms to fill God's love, replacing what you wished was there instead. I prayed for peace on a very hard day. I prayed for courage to find something amazing about the day. Joy where sorrow usually lives. I also prayed for the husbands to remember their wives. To have sensitivity. To remember how their wives are still mothers to little angels.

I wept as I prayed. My heart so heavy for so many. When I finished my family sat in silence. I am not sure if it was because they were at a loss or they were letting God fill the void. I felt His peace over me. For me, mother's day has been very hard. But this year I don't look at my sorrow and long. I look at having another day with my mom. I am taking my eyes off me and placing them on her.

I hope you find comfort this weekend. Know I am praying for all of you!

Here

Man I have missed blogging. I have so many posts in my head: the family fit, the waiting game, and priorities... But when I come think about blogging I have no desire. It requires time. It requires thinking. It requires putting thoughts in order. My thoughts aren't really in order.

Right now I am sitting with my family. I love my family but there are times I could just walk away from it all. People don't like to make decisions but when suggestions are given no one likes those either. I also love them very much. I just don't think I am needed while mom is getting her chemo here. Too many hens in the house.

Speaking of being needed, I am torn about when it is time to go home. I am playing around with some ideas in my head. Just praying for God to give me wisdom. Man it is hard.

My mom is now bald but she sure is beautiful!

Finally, I think my sil is pregnant. I am happy for her but I also want to scream!

I hope to get my jive back soon.

Nothing New, Just Blue

We headed back to my brother's house yesterday. My mom has different appointments this week and her first chemo treatment. Everyone came with us. MAN I need my own little space. I love being alone and I just don't get any time being with the family. I took a LONG shower today just to be for a bit.

We did have a wonderful time at the lake this past week. Grumps came with our dog. I can't tell you how much I have missed just seeing his face. I hated sending him back home yesterday morning. The time spent as a family was very healing and encouraging. We are all still standing in agreement for my mom's healing.

Here is a snapshot of all I get to hang out with during my day. FUN TIMES!

My Mom:

Right now she is lying on my SIL's closet floor on oxygen listening to healing scriptures. She isn't sleeping much. She is constantly rubbing this and that hoping for relief. The cough comes and goes. I massage her back as often as I can. Nothing seems to taste good. I have to make her eat.

My Dad:

CONSTANTLY on the phone or computer. He repeats the same stories to everyone. He tells my mom what she can do which drives her nuts. He just mopes around. He needs to go back to work before he drives us all nutty.

My Sister:

Never stops defending herself. She sits and watches everyone else work. She leaves a mess wherever she goes. She is as useless as tits on a boar. She needs to go back to work too.

ME:

Going crazy! I have slept on every possible couch and bed since I have been gone. I have reworn my same outfits over and over again. I constantly look tired. I am tired. I miss my normal life. BUT I am getting out today! My good friend lives here and is taking me to lunch. I can't wait to have a glass of wine.

See I told you, nothing new, just blue. Oh and my mom doesn't really want us to watch tv. I get it but MAN do I miss some of my shows.

In My Arms

Is where I wish you were today. Hearing you giggle. Watching you try to walk. Being close by.

My little angel I miss you today more than ever before.

Your grandmother is coming home to you soon. She is the best at rocking you to sleep. You won't miss her. Her smile is so big and her words are so gentle. Enjoy her for me.



The song is my heart's cry. I found the video on youtube.

________________________________________________________

They are giving my mom 2 to 4 weeks to live. They are heading to the cancer hospital today. They will see the doctors tomorrow and have more tests run. The information could change but the cancer is really bad. I go to the doctor this morning for monitoring. We need to talk about this cycle. There is a possibility we will either retrieve and freeze or cancel. If we cancel I will leave tomorrow to be with my family. If nothing else I will be there next week until the end. I am taking leave from work. I don't want to watch my mom die but I can't stay home. We are still praying for a miracle.

All that my mind can think of is, how do I live in a world without my mom. She is so amazing. In fact there is a package at the post office from her for us for Easter. Her love never stops.

Thank you so much for the many comments and emails. I feel surrounded by love.

Give Your Mama a Kiss

Today my mind is heavy and so is my heart. Thoughts, scenes and memories are flooding me.

I got the call yesterday morning. My dad was taking my mom to the ER. She had shortness of breath. I began to pray and wait. After church I was headed to meet up with the DC bloggers when I got the second call. My dad was calling me back.

"Sunny, the doctor just left the room. We just got the news." My dad was struggling to stay composed. I could tell he was about to lose it.

"Your mom has cancer. It is in both breasts and in her chest cavity. She has had it for 5 years. I felt her breast this morning and it is hard as a rock. She doesn't want chemo or radiation. The hospital cannot help her. They are sending her home with things to help her breathe. She is strong. We are believing God will heal her." He then chokes up and blames himself. "I should have known. I would ask her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating, why did she have the cough. She would give excuses." My dad's heart was broken. The reason he lives is for my mom and now she is sick. Very sick.

All I can do is stay strong for him. Listen. Let him ramble. I ask a couple of questions, but I am in shock myself. I asked if he wanted me to call my brother. He was thankful I offered. He said he couldn't make it through another phone call. I hung up with my dad feeling so very far away.

I called Grumps, still composed. He sent me home. No lunch with the girls. I began to call my friends who knew I was waiting for the phone call. Without asking they said they were on their way to my house. I then began to cry. I cried all the way home. I cried alone on my couch waiting. I finally composed myself and called my brother. As soon as I heard his voice and began to tell him the news I broke. He broke. In fact he pretty much hung up on me. He was so at a loss.

My girls and Grumps arrived at the house. My favorite junk food was brought to feed the troops, stuff for rice krispy treats, ice cream, and choco chip cookie dough. They let me cry. They held me. They made me laugh. They helped me forget for a moment how my world was unraveling. I am so thankful for my friends. They knew what to do.

Grumps was amazing. He busied himself with taking care of the girls. He was the one who made the cookies. My husband doesn't cook. BUT he read the instructions, made the biggest cookies ever and even put them on the cooling rack. He is my hero.

The rest of the day was a blur of tears and phone calls. My mom called to check on me. Oh so her to make sure we were all right. You could hear the smile in her voice. I told her I was sad and angry. She told me later that night she was only trying to protect us. She didn't want to rock our world. She was waiting for God to take it away. It just hasn't happened yet.

I want to be there right now with my mom. I want to make food for her. I want to clean her house. I want to watch movies, tell stories and just be in her presence. Yet I am here in the middle of my first IVF cycle. I have debated ending it and flying there. I don't think she would want that. She is surrounded by those who love her. I will go soon. I am not sure when. I need more information. There is talk of taking her to a top hospital near my brother. If that is the case it would be so easy to fly there. But my head is spinning.

Every thing that comes out of my mouth makes me think of my mom. Every thing I do is something she taught me. Pictures in my house bring back memories. I want to make more of those moments with my mom. I want my children to know her. I am not giving up hope. I just wish my mind would turn off and be at peace.

I will stand firm this Easter on what Jesus did for us. His stripes are for my mom's healing.

Call your mom's today. If she lives close, give her a kiss and hug. If she is far make a visit. Enjoy every moment you can with her.

The Schedule

We got our tentative schedule in the mail today. The drugs are listed. The dates are there. My eyes went right to big dates.

Remember us wanting to keep this a secret from our family? The 'date' for our retrieval and all that jazz is during Grumps' parents visit. I feel sick about it all. There is no way to hide the doctors appointment, shots in the butt or me on bed rest.

When I shared the 'dates' with Grumps he wasn't impressed. I wanted to hear, "No worries dear. It will all work out. They will be glad to help out during that time." Instead I got, "Great I guess we will be telling them. Great I guess you will have to stay home when we go out. Great they wanted to do stuff with you too. Great...." UGH!

Now I am all anxious and yuck inside. Why can't things work out the way they are supposed to?
Oh and I will get to bring my lupron injections with us to Iris' wedding. How do you take needles on a plane in your carry on?

Silence is Not an Option: How to respond to uncomfortable questions

Very rarely do I get asked dumb questions. It seems most of the world knows about us and our problems and whatever. I do get asked the occasional 'Are you pregnant' only because I work with some simple people. They believe the water at work will get you pregnant like everyone else.

Over the holiday my dad had a long time friend stop by my house. We all chatted. Nothing major just random talk. My dad went down memory lane with him a few times. Then he turned to me, my dad's friend. Just without thinking he asked a very simple question. He asked, "Sunny, when are you going to have a little girl running around your house?" I wasn't shocked. I really wasn't even offended. He didn't know. I can't blame him for his stupid question. But I could get irritated at everyone else in the room.

The room fell silent. I think everyone was afraid I would fall apart or freak out. They don't know me very well then. I calming replied, "We are waiting for God to give us a miracle. We have been waiting for awhile. It definitely isn't because we haven't tried." My answer is my rehearsed answer. I have practiced. I have used it before. But what I wanted in return was, "wow" or "I'm sorry." OR nothing from the man who had no idea what a simple question would bring in return BUT something from my family. Like, "Yep they have been trying for a long time. We are praying for a miracle with them." SOMETHING! But silence remained from the crowd. I don't remember how the subject was changed because I was so shocked by the nothingness. But it is my family. Support isn't something they give when it is a problem God is supposed to fix.

Onto the infertility bracelet. Grumps and I started wearing our bracelets a couple of months ago. Nothing really has been said or asked about it. Grumps did have a buddy wonder what it was. Of course Grumps explained. His buddy was like, "cool". I was very proud of my man for not shrugging it off. I wish I had an experience like that. Instead I get ones like these.

On our family cruise many of us were sitting around doing nothing. One of our family friends asks me, "Sunny what is that bracelet for?" Silence hit the group. All eyes go to me. I take a deep breath and begin to explain the meaning of it. When I finished I expected a "cool" or "wow" but got silence. Nothing. Just silence. I felt sick for sharing.

My dad finally asked this week why did we wear the bracelet. He hadn't been with the silent crowd on the cruise. My dad thought it was to remember something. Grumps stumbles through his response so I step in. I explain, blah blah blah. Guess what the reaction was from my dad? YEP SILENCE! Awkward silence.

I know IF makes many feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel MANY not so great feelings. But I wish people would stop and think before being idiots. Yes, I understand they are at a loss for words. I understand it makes them feel uncomfortable. IF isn't about them.

Here are some very simple response to IF or whatever makes you feel uncomfortable.
WOW
I'm sorry
Cool
Let me know if you need anything
Interesting
I never knew
Tell me more

Silence should never be an option. Be polite. Be considerate. Maybe we need an IF etiquette book for the world. We could title it, Silence is not an option.

I Made It!!!

I made it through the holidays! The family packed up and left at 5am. I am finally home alone for the first time in a week. I LOVE BEING ALONE!

I have plans with a friend today. Drinks will be involved. 5 more days of break left. I plan to just truly relax and enjoy. I made some phone calls that needed to be made weeks ago. I HATE PHONES! My to do list is very short!

2008 HERE I COME!!!

I have a bunch of posts mulling around in my head. More to come soon!

Can You Read My Mind?

Sorry for leaving everyone hanging with the sad news part. I had started this post but after a couple of drinks it began to make no sense.

On returning home from our family trip my mom called. She sounded strange but those days happen. She goes on to tell me my sister in law has miscarried.

Just last week I spent an entire week with a beautifully pregnant woman with a very cute son, my nephew. I wasn't prepared for this news.

She had gone in for a regular appointment to only discover the baby had died almost 3 weeks earlier. She was all alone.

Has someone been in my head reading my thoughts? Never did I wish a miscarriage but I did wonder when she was super sick the last day that maybe something wasn't right. You know, we IFer's who have experiences miscarriages only think the bad. Of course I also had thought, "why are you having a second child when your first is out of control and drives you nuts?" She had even said that the week before was the worst week of her life.

I really believe someone is in my head. I never wanted this to happen but how awful to feel relief with it. I had wanted a chance to have my time. See I am such a bad person!

Yet through all of this I can only hope my mom will learn more about what I went through. Once again, selfish! I told mom to ask if she could spread the news. My brother doesn't need to have to make those calls. I also told mom to tell people to send cards and flowers. Someone died, they deserved to be remembered.

I did my part. I gave advice to my mom. I sent flowers. I called my SIL and left a message. I have prayed for her. My heart truly does break for her. It is sad. I even thought, why do bad things happen to good people because she really has a heart of gold. Unlike my black heart. HA!

HOME!!!

I know, you have all waited with baited (not sure if that is the right spelling) breath to hear from me. YES I am home. We got home Sunday night! What a great time we had!

I know, I am shocked too. 7 days with the family and we are still all alive. Of course nothing was mentioned about me and Grumps and IF. The big talk was of my nephew and my brother and his wife and her unborn child. My dad was awestruck about it all. Grumps and I just cringed. So sad I can't enjoy someone else's life.

I only had one true moment. I described this moment to Grumps as unraveling. He didn't understand it with that one word. I was just super overwhelmed. I felt left out and alone. It was our last formal night and the dress I planned to wear, I had let my SIL wear at the beginning of the week. I had no idea my nephew had smeared food all over it. I was DONE! Of course Grumps was the only one who understood my mood change and tears flowing down my face. It had nothing to do with the dress but all to do with me and us and no child. The night ended with me drunk at a piano bar crying. :)

I have to say, I would much rather be childless on a cruise than have a 14 month old crying all the time.

Now onto sad news.

Setting Sail

Just in case our boat sinks and you never hear from me again, Grumps and I are leaving tonight for a cruise to Belize and other beautiful islands. The ship sets sail on Sunday. If you hear of our cruise in the news you know what happened to me.

I know you are thinking, "WOW a romantic getaway." Nope it is with the family. If you have been a follower you know about my family and all that jazz. I know we will have a good time but lots of prayer has gone forth to make it a good time. Grumps told me to go get sun if they drive me nuts.
So Happy Thanksgiving early to all of you!

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

I thought it couldn't get any worse. NOPE I was wrong. My sister in law is pregnant with her second. Yep, my nephew just turned one. My brother is 4 years younger. They will have their family completed by the time they are 30. I am happy for them but whatever for me.

My mom actually is the one who gave me the heads up. I was shocked. She actually called to freak out about it. She just can't believe they would want children that close together. I told her I was expecting it. She told me to act surprised when they tell me.

Grumps comment was, "Wow they sure don't have a problem getting pregnant."

Nope they don't. I didn't freak out. I did cry all throughout Brothers and Sisters. It helped.

Of course my selfish comment to Grumps was, "Why couldn't they have just waited a little bit?" HA!

Maybe my mom will get pregnant next. She would at least give me her baby!

Making Amends

Do you remember my mom?

Well I guess she realized her insensitivity. I got a call from her yesterday asking if I would be home today. She was sending me something. A surprise. It arrived today in a long box.
The note said something about making my day and how God had something good coming my way soon.

We will never be able to 'talk' about my problem but at least she realizes when she should be more sensitive. I am pretty impressed!

Change of Subject

Why do I try to share my heart or whatever with my mom? WHY! I know what will happen EVERY TIME! The funny thing I really wasn't even truly sharing my heart.

She called to check in on my tonight. Grumps is out of town. My dad is out of town. So we talk for a long time. We talk about everything. I start talking about my mother in law. I move on to talking about how infertility can be like a rollercoaster. She listens to me for maybe a minute when there is an abrupt change of subject.

It goes something like this:

Me: You know I told my MIL how infertility is like a rollercoaster. You have really good days and then one word is said and BAMB a bad day. Of course my MIL says it is hormones.

My Mom: Let me tell you something that happened the other day....

Not even a WOW or AW or I'm sorry but

CHANGE OF SUBJECT COMPLETELY!

Why can't she just realize I HAVE A PROBLEM? Does she think it isn't there? Does she really think if we don't talk about it God will just fix it? Does she still believe it is all my fault? My faith still isn't big enough, strong, enough, or even there!

I would give my right foot for my mom to be different sometimes. Yes, she sends me cards saying, I love you, all the time. BUT changes the subject on a dime. If only she knew how ugly my life can get.

Don't get me wrong, I love her. BUT I need to learn to keep my stupid infertility thoughts to myself. Remind me not to tell her when we start up our IUIs again.

Catching Up

First, I blog in my head. Yep I blog all day in my head. My favorite place to blog is in the shower. I create posts. Many of them just stay in my head. Others get typed out and never posted. I am tempted to just post all of them with the dates attached. Some of them I am afraid to post. Others are really low places. Many are just stupid and I am embarrassed. So dumb. It is my blog. I should feel more confident. So I have been blogging in my head. Here are some of my thoughts.

My summer is over and all I can think about is last year at this time. Last year I was so afraid to go back to work. I was afraid everyone could read my mind and know I had been pregnant. I was sad. I wasn't myself. I just sat in silence during all the meetings. Now this year, I am afraid people will ask if I am pregnant. I am not sure I why I am afraid. I just don't want to look pregnant. I am far from pregnant. Can I just stop the clocks and keep living this summer over and over again? I have loved it to the fullest!

My little nephew has won my heart. Once again last year when I got the call that he was born I cried and cried. It was so hard to hear about someone having a baby and being so full of joy when I had lost mine. My mom let me know my sister in law and brother needed more things for the boy. During my loss I had to buy more baby gifts. I cried and cried during that too. Now a year later I am in love with that little fellow.

When I helped keep in at the beginning of the summer I was so afraid of being with him. It didn't take long to fall in love. It was very bittersweet. I would hold him, rock him, tell him secrets. He would respond and laugh and hold me tight. I wanted to keep him for myself. Now I just spent some time buying him things for his 1st birthday. It wasn't hard. I LOVED IT! I wasn't bitter. I wasn't sad. I was happy to have in my life. I couldn't stop spending money. I wish I could show you his cute picture for his invite. He looks like my brother at that age. Priceless grin with new teeth, almost white blond hair, and a cute full face. It makes me wish we lived closer. I would love to hear him say, "Aunt Sunny!"

Childhood friends are far and few for me. I keep up with them from a distance. I moved too many times in my life to keep up with people. I wish I could go back and get clothes to many of them again. But too much time has passed. We aren't the same people. Some times it makes me sad.

If you made it through this post I applaud you! BORING would be my thoughts. I just had to get these 'posts' out of my head and onto my blog.

My Brain and the Thoughts that Come Out of It!

It is late! I should be in bed but I just can't stop! Grumps is gone this week for work. I am heading out to Tampa tomorrow.

WOW TAMPA is all I keep hearing. WOW THE BEACH! Ummmm nope I am going to help my mom take care of my little nephew. Yep the little one born right after my miscarriage. I love the little booger but I want my own little one. I am trying to be strong this week. I hope he is just a pain so I will feel better about it all. This is not the way I wanted to start my summer vacation.

I called my dad on Father's Day. YES I was a good daughter. On Mother's Day I just sent my mom a text message. She did get a card and gift but I just couldn't make the call. My dad chatted my head off. He said he might show up later in the week to 'help' with the little man. He said he wanted to see me but also really wanted to see his new and only grandson. He goes on and on about the brag book my mom bought him. He was just in love with sharing his pictures. I teared up and really wanted to say, "SHUT UP! Don't you realize I am sad?" Instead I said, "How sweet!" And then made funny faces to Grumps!

Preggos are popping up everywhere! Baby talk is all around me. I am holding strong!

D is thinking of a dry summer! I told Grumps about it. Guess what he said? "You should try that too!" WHATEVER! It is my summer to have fun. If I want to drink I will drink because I CAN DRINK!!!! He needs to just shut up or become a woman in my shoes. HA!

Schools out for SUMMER! But all I can think about is next year. Yep that is what happens to teachers. We never stop thinking about work. It just doesn't go away.

I need to go finish packing, take a shower (I STINK!) and go to bed. If I am not around much you know where I am. WORKING ON MY TAN!

*Sorry for the all caps words! I am tired and can't help being dramatic!

My Mom

I have talked about my mom before. I have told you how she can be completely insensitive to my feelings and what we are going through.

Her compassion level for me is like ZERO. She ignores the issues that we have. Only once in a blue moon will she surprise me with true compassion. I will get a card that is meant to encourage. She will call to see how my day is. I might get a little magnet or angel or something to brighten my day. BUT things are never talked about. When I have needed caring words or a listening ear I didn't turn to my mom. I wish I could.

I have many friends who have such an amazing relationship with their moms. I want that. I have always wanted that. Now if you met my mom you would think she would be the best mom ever. She is to others. She will hold a friend's hand as they are going through a very hard time. She will sit with them and listen as they cry. To me, she ignores or gives me advice that really hurts.

I LOVE MY MOM but sometimes I wish she just understood. But she never can. My mom got married very young. She divorced a year later never having children from that abusive relationship. She married again a year later to my dad. I was born 4 days before their first anniversary. OOPS big time. My brother was planned 4 years later. My little sister came 10 years later by accident. My mom always regretted having us so early by accident. She continued to tell me how blessed I was when I didn't get pregnant right away. She can NEVER understand where I am on this journey. She would love for me to have kids but she can't understand the pain the journey has caused. How can she?

I got an email from my mom on Friday. It was nice and long. My mom NEVER sends long emails. I could tell she had worked long and hard on this email. I smiled as I read. Then I got to almost the end. This is what it said:

I got a new mag. for Christmas from a friend. a Christian mag. In it was a story about a girl who had suffered from a miscarriage. It was so good. It really opened my eyes to what you have gone thru. Not really realizing everything. I am going to send it to you. I am sorry for being insensitive to you................I just really didn't understand everything. But after reading her story it really opened my eyes to so much. The blessed assurance is that when we get to heaven our little baby is going to be waiting on us...............

I was FLOORED! It was huge that she apologized. My mom doesn't ever do that. I haven't responded yet. I think I will do that right now. I just needed some time to process it all. I know that my mom will continue to be insensitive but I have this email to remind me that at one time she realized her mistake.

She ended her email with: I love you and are proud of you. Continue to always be a blessing and to bless everyone around you.

I have let those words sing in my head over and over again. She is proud of me!

A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

Christmas Newsletters

We used to love sending out newsletters when we lived in the armpit of South America. Grumps would work long and hard and everyone would beg for more.

When we moved back to a normal life the letters slowly stopped. People would ask for them but we really didn't have anything to say but I always looked forward to getting letters and keeping up with people.

Last year I wrote our letter for the first time. Grumps takes weeks; I took 5 minutes. I just laid it all out there. I was tired of family and friends wondering why we put a picture of our dog on our card and not children. I said, "I found out that I have endometriosis. We have been trying to have children for a few years and are waiting for our little miracle. Blah blah blah." Grumps was happy that it was out there. It was never really brought up again.

This year we had plans to send a picture of us and my big belly to announce that we were having our miracle. OOPS to that thought! Now we are doing nothing.

Yesterday as you may have read we got my in law's Christmas letter. As I was reading I was SHOCKED to say the least at my little blurb.

"Grumps and Sunny blessed us with a visit this summer and we all spent a few days on Vancouver Island together, hiking and enjoying the beaches. We celebrated their news that Sunny was early in a pregnancy, but were saddened a few weeks later when the tiny life didn't survive. We continue to pray with them for a family."

She went on to talk about our jobs and her issues and whatever. I know that her intentions were for me to know that my baby was missed BUT I think that is a little private. I think it deserves to be asked if it could be written about. She asked if she could write something about Grumps' job. I am not one to get upset and speak my mind or be hurt. BUT I am just a little beside myself.

As for all the other letters, sorry to say that they were skimmed. I did keep all the address hoping that next year we have something to write about.

side note, driving home today I wished that everyone would lose power but me. I am tired of the lights and holly jolly crap!!!