3 Little Ones

I left all of you hanging with my HUGE SWOLLEN ovaries and the info of my many eggs. I guess I should fill you in.

I transferred on Wednesday with my substitute husband, D! I got the call from my sweet doctor that morning letting me know 4 had made it. One embryo was really good. 2 were good. They all had slowed in growth. The rest were growing but turning abnormal. The decision was made to transfer 3.

We arrived in Scaryville with D and I making sure everyone knew we were best friends, not lovers for a second time. When they called my name we went into the other waiting room. The nurse said, YOU (that would be me) sit here. Sir (that would be D) sit here. She then looked up and realized D was not a sir but a mam. EVERYONE was laughing. She was so embarrassed. It was a priceless moment.

We are then moved into the transfer room. I had been nervous all night and morning. My fear was nothing would make it for transfer. Here is where the cool stuff began. The transferring doctor was my retrieval doctor. It is wonderful to see a familiar face in the Big office. They were very kind to explain everything. Making sure I could see my little ones get 'dropped' into my insides. At that moment my breath caught. It wasn't sperm like the before IUIs. It was LIFE!!!! I began to pray out loud while the other ladies in the room began to cheer the little ones on. It was so moving.

Everyone left (of course before they left I told jokes about my good luck not shaving look and the many shirts I will make if I get pregnant and have a little one. I also said my little one will fear Aunt D because she was there when the little life was created AND when the little life was placed inside mom.) and D began to pray for the little ones to live and thrive and be. As she is praying the amazing embryologist comes in with my CUTE picture. She is tearing up watching D pray with her hands on my belly. She then says how special this was for her. She not only helped transfer them but inseminated them. She said it never happens that way. Too many perfects.

Of course it all ended with D and I at Cheeburger Cheeburger for yummy food. I finally made it home to rest in bed with my heating pad. My ovaries were still grapefruit sized, pushing my uterus up. Now we wait.

I am trying very hard to stay grounded yet stay full of faith and hope. So many are praying for life. I can't thank everyone enough for the emails, txts, phone calls, cards, fruit, food, shots, rides, dog babysitting, millions of offers to help... Grumps finally returned home to view the photo of what he missed. I am now ready to be pampered. HE OWES ME!!!!

The Let Down

You can all stop holding your breath! It was a negative. I pretty much knew it would be since cramps have been my best friend. Gotta love the warning!

Grumps did take the phone call for me. It felt good knowing I didn't have a call waiting for me in my voicemail at work. When I called him to find out the results I could hear it in his voice. He said it was the worst call ever. It made him feel so awful when they start with, Hello, may I speak to .... I just wanted to let you know... in a very sad voice.... that it is a negative. YUCK! BUT Grumps said he was glad he could do that for me. He would do it every time. LOVE YOU!

They believe the reason for it not working (whatever they have no clue) is because my lining was so thin. No more Clomid and the Big G for me! Onto all injections. YIPEE!!! So my cycle should start on Friday and we will start this crazy ride all over again.

Onto better things, going for wings and beer! I can't stop singing, There's a tear in my beer!!!

Thank you for cheering me on and being there for me this month! Here's to more fun next time!

My next post will be all about stupid people! I know you can't wait!!!

Oh one more thing, there is another pregnant person at work! LOVE IT!

Holding My Breath

I have been here, hiding for the past little bit. I have been reading blogs and commenting on only a few. This 2ww is hard.

I love the first couple of weeks of my cycle. I love the shots, pills and doc visits. It makes me feel proactive. Now all I feel is ick.

Yellow and blue makes green. That's what happens when you use progesterone and estrogen up the 'girl' twice a day. I hate the green. I hate how it makes me feel pregnant. My boobs are bigger than Dolly's right now. I have them squished into my bra. They are more than painful. Of course I think, I might be pregnant. Truthfully, it is from the stupid green!!!!

Wednesday is the day I can finally breathe again. I should get the phone call sometime in the early afternoon. I had thought about testing early. Trying to push that idea out of my head. Instead I am going to have them call Grumps with the results. He needs to have that experience once. It is like a knife in the gut.

Today I heard, Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins. It couldn't have been a more perfect time.

DC girls, You sure helped pass the time on Saturday!!! Thanks for a fun night!

Headaches, Cycles, and Babies

I am posting early today from bed. Yep I took the day off. I have had a headache since Saturday. It comes and goes. It gets worse and then lightens up. I have taken the good pills and the normal ones. Not much is helping. I guess it is stress. I do this. I let it all build up, usually in my sleep, and then explode one day. I am now exploding. To help with the explosion, I am going for a massage. Something has to give.

I am on day 5 of this lovely cycle. Two clomid pills down. Hope is rising in a very slow weird way. Guarded is my middle name. Hopeful will be my first. I have to hope. I can't be numb forever. But I will stay guarded. On day 3 I brought my little white pill to bed with me at 9. I looked at it from a far. Flirting a little with my eyes. HA! Then I began to fondle my sweet pill. Working hard to get it out of its little protective package. Next I held it between my fingers saying little sweet nothings to it. "Please do a good job! Please help give us a baby!" Down that little white pill went. Saturday will be my affair with my needle!

I am helping my team give a baby shower on Friday. I don't do baby showers unless I just have to. I have to with this one. I tried to stay just as an adviser but it looks like I am now going to be walking down the isle of baby crap to fill up a basket of stuff. Whose idea? MINE! Just shoot me now.

On a good baby note, Debby is having a boy! Go give her some amazing love! I hope she posts about it soon. She has the most priceless u/s ever!

The Blogger Flame of Fortitude

I have been given the honor of the Blogger Flame of Fortitude by amazing Jenna! She, herself, deserves this award more than anyone I know. She has stood tall in the midst of heartache and has come out the other side even stronger. The other women she has honored are just as amazing. I am speechless to be side by side with these amazing women.

WOW what a love fest!!!

A few women came to mind when I was urged to pass this honor on. Ladies I know honor you for walking this journey with grace. You inspire me!

Debby, Nicole, Chris, Cathleen, Kell, Niobe, and Chrystie.

There are so many amazing women but the story of these ladies immediately came to mind. Pass this amazing award on!

VOTE

Yes, tomorrow's election day. I am all for voting. I am all for doing your civil duty. I am also ready for all the flyers, phone calls, and trash to be over. But this post isn't about politics. For those who know me in real life, you know where I stand in all of it. You also know I don't talk politics I just live my life to what I believe. Okay back to the real reason for this post!

Mel needs our vote! Yep amazing Mel from Stirrup Queen/Town Crier. Mel who has been the foundation to IF blogs. Mel whose brain never stops and completely amazes me even when she doesn't speak at a DC bloggers get-together!

Mel has been nominated for a weblog award and I'd love to help her out. Please click on this link (http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-
blog-1.php) and vote for her. The name of her blog is Stirrup Queens. You can vote once every 24 hours until November 8th. Just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win.

If you are or have dealt with IF OR you are friends of someone who has walked this crappy road go and give her support. VOTE! Do your civil duty! Help spread awareness! As right now, 9:39 on the 5th of November, she is ahead! Let's keep it that way!

Into the Vault: The Common Thread Project

Last week I went into the vault of drafts and pulled out a title I had typed but couldn't write about. Today I go into my vault and find a post I just never finished. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole common thread of infertility.

I am not a person who follows trends. If I look cute in it or I really like it I will participate. But to just do it for the sake of being cool, that isn't me.

When the Live Strong bracelets came out I didn't wear one. Grumps didn't wear one either. He is even more extreme in his beliefs of trends. So when I saw the common thread posts a year ago and the bracelets being talked about I just wasn't sure where I stood.

Here were my thoughts on 8/19/06 at 10:02 PM.

I saw this recently on a couple of blogs. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it and truly decide if I want to participate. BUT I do think it is a wonderful idea.

Stirrup Queens... and Desperately Seeking Baby blogged about it. Wear a pomegranate colored thread on your wrist to help create a community of us going through infertility. When you see the thread you will know that you aren't alone.

A year later and Bella Vida began her common thread project. She has given out over 80 free bracelets for the cause. Now I wear one. In fact Grumps wore one until it broke recently. I was shocked when he said he would participate. I had him read about it. He asked if it was worldwide. Then I let it go for a couple of days. I came back and asked if he wanted a bracelet of his own. His reply, "Sure." When his came in the mail I put it on his wrist and we just looked at our bracelets. We were now marked.

No one has asked about my bracelet. Now Grumps on the other hand was asked by a co worker. The guy said, "Why are you wearing that bracelet." Grumps answered, "My wife gave it to me." But it didn't stop the questions. His friend went on to ask more. "What does it mean." Grumps didn't hesitate as he explained about the common thread. His friend thought it was very cool. (It is too early to think of a better word!)

It is amazing how a year can change your prospective and your convictions. If you don't have your own bracelet go over to Bella Vida and email her. She has 12 left! Show the world we aren't alone!

Open Enrollment

Updated!

I love being in my 30's but right now in my life I think 20's might be better.

I am at the age where either everyone already has children or they are just beginning to try. There was a time where I was surrounded by newly married couples who didn't even think about children in the near future. Now I am surrounded by couples with children, preggos or those trying.

I am beginning to think we are the only couple in our circle of friends left being childless. I love my friends. They are SO good to me but I think I need to make it open season for new friend applicants. HA! For my real life friends, they know I joke about having too many friends. Too many to the point I joked about not taking applicants.

We are going out with friends today to a winery. I was so excited about it until Grumps told me his friend's wife might not drink because they are trying. She might even be pregnant. I swear to God I am surrounded!

If you are childless and would like to make new friends it is open season and I am taking applicants!

Oh it looks like we might be able to switch insurances this month after all. Fingers crossed! Hoping for December IUI!

Update!!!
We had a great time yesterday. She isn't pregnant. She drank just as much as I did. The 4 of us went through 4 bottles of wine. I am not sure how long she has been trying but I can tell she is disappointed that it hasn't happened yet. Thank God for a good day out.

Witness to Your Life

To all my girls in my life. Thank you for always being there for me. I hope I can be there for you. I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing women.



The video is pretty rough and not even all the song but the chorus is amazing!

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life

This maybe just a softer place to fall
But someone will answer when you call
And I will be that witness to your life

You should never have to be alone
Someone will always call you home
And I will be that witness to your life

DC Bloggers I had a ROCKING time today!!!! You are now my girls too.

Welcome Back to School

Going back to school has been a killer. MAN it makes me tired just thinking about it! This morning I swore it was Friday when I woke up. I was so excited. WHAT THE HECK! It is only Monday.

My kids are sweet. I have some crazy little boogers but they were for sure hand picked for me.

Well I over heard a little conversation today. It sort of broke my heart. One little girl tells another little girl, "My sister got married." The other girl said, "What happens after you get married?" The reply was, "You have babies." I wish it was that easy for everyone.

I love my team. Of course there are some characters that can drive you crazy. But then there are the gems. On of my close teammates is pregnant. I LOVE HER because truly you would never know. She NEVER complains. She constantly is sensitive to my feelings. On the other hand there is a girl pregnant on another team. She had a miscarriage last year. She became obsessed with getting pregnant again. She was blessed with a quick pregnancy this summer. She isn't super far along BUT you would think she was 40 weeks pregnant by the way she acts. Today she pushed herself off the chair as if she had a 10 lb baby inside. GAG ME!!!! Thank God she isn't on my team.

My final story.... This is the killer. I told Grumps and he about died. He said next time I should burst into a hysterical crying fit. A mom and her girls were coming to visit her former teachers this afternoon. I have only briefly spoken to her before.

Well she asks me the horrid question through 'sign language.' "Are you..." making a pregnant belly. I paused thinking, "You are STUPID! Who asks that when you don't know me from Adam." I replied with, "Nope!" Usually it stops there. But she has to dig the knife in deeper. She goes on to say, "Really? Everyone is pregnant around here. I thought you would be too."

Ummmm I wanted to spit on her. Of course I smiled while shaking my head and said, "We are waiting for God to give us a miracle. We have been trying for a long time." While I am saying this she keeps walking and says, "Wow, Really?" It ends there. I was SPEECHLESS!!!

When will people learn? Did I look pregnant? Was someone spreading rumors? Did they get me confused with someone else? I am sure it will be all over the neighborhood now. It had started last year when a mom came to see me after 'hearing a rumor.' She wanted me to have her fertility book hoping it would help me. After so many years books don't work but I took it anyway. She said it was a good luck charm. Whatever!

Welcome back to school to me!!!!

Busy BEE!!! UPDATED!!!

THAT IS ME!!!

School started today. The kids aren't there but school is definitely back in session. I am working so hard to getting my room looking just so. UGH! My summer was just too good to end. SO if I don't post as often or reply to your emails know it isn't because I don't love you. It is because I have to make money some how to live where I live.

I LOVED all the comments on my last couple of posts. I FEEL SO LOVED! If you still haven't added an email to your blog DO IT! I want to reply back through email but can't when you don't help me. Just go to go*gle and get an address just for your blog and comments. There were so many good thoughts out there. I wanted to comment on them!

For my secret deleted post.... I will blog about it again but in a different, non drunk, light. :)

MAN I hate I am back at work. I have a million posts going on in my head. Here is a peak!!!

The great lengths of DTD!

UPDATED!!!!
Meeting bloggers! ( I LOVED MY TIME WITH LJ and MEG!!! *** Edited to say MEL!!! I am so sorry! I owe you a drink. I don't know a Meg. LOL!!!)

and

Never published posts!!!!

Until then, keep it real. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Add Ons UPDATED!!!

With all my summer time I have been adding new things to my blog. If you read other IF blogs you might see some new add ons to their blogs as well.

Here we go!

First I have updated my blogs which I link to. There are many new blogs and many bloggers who have recently received BFPs! I challenge you to check out a new blog. There are many amazing blogs out there who deserve your support!

Lost and Found

Here is a wonderful place to stay connected with all the stirrup-queens out there! Announcements, new blogs, and anything else you need to know are posted here daily! Check it out!

Join the Traveling DVD




If you missed Jenna's amazing moment on Oprah last week, join the traveling dvd!

Also don't forget about my posts that hit home on my sidebar! I have found some amazing new posts floating around the blog world these days! Give them some love!

UPDATED!!!
Finally I am playing around with an iTunes function. It is called, My iTunes Widget. It is located on my sidebar at the bottom. It lists my favorite groups and singers according to iTunes. It has taken me forever to get it to look the way it is supposed to. Yet I am not sure if it is working right. We shall see how long this new little add on lasts!

Bored of Refreshing

I find myself getting WAY behind on my blog reading. I work hard to catch up and not feel overwhelmed. I know, so stupid! But when I finally catch up I am constantly refreshing everything in hopes to read something new.

Does anyone else have this problem?

So if you are bored of refreshing, take a moment to check out my shared items on the right hand side of my blog. You might have already read them in your blogroll but if not, they are great inspiring reads. I am just too lazy to give shout outs to them in person!

I will be going out of town next week. Visiting the inlaws. I am hoping my mind doesn't start thinking about what is upcoming, our m/c anniversary. We should be bringing a baby with us on this trip. SUCKS!

Shout Outs!

I am late on my shout outs! I just haven't been in the mood to blog. We discussed this already.

First LJ I had a BLAST with you and D the other night! The atmosphere, food, music, but most of all the company was wonderful. I loved meeting you and hearing your story in real life. THANK YOU for letting us know about the concert.

I had a WONDERFUL time with the DC girls! It is awesome to see bloggers in real life. It is amazing how you totally can come across as you on a blog. I can't wait to meet up again. I hope more can join next time!

Finally THANK YOU for the most amazing words ever written about my angel post on the Roundup Extravaganza. The anniversary of losing our angel to heaven is coming in the next couple of weeks. Thank you for honoring it.

We are heading out of town next week. I am sure I will have to really work hard not to relive last year over and over again. We went on the same trip visiting family last year. We told them all about our pregnancy. It will be bittersweet returning without our little one or even not being pregnant. Such is life!

Let's Celebrate

Today is Cake Day in honor of Mel the Town Crier. Her blog has turned a year old.

If you have never been to Mel's blog OH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!! She is totally amazing. Her ideas have changed the infertility blog world forever. I am so thankful for all she does to help make this stupid journey as fun as it can be! CHEERS to Mel!!!

I didn't make the traditional cake with yummy frosting. Instead I made my usual. It is the cake that has stuck by my side in the good and really bad times. You know my life SUCKS when I make this cake. BUT today it doesn't suck. I just had to honor my trusty cake friend as well.

DUMP CAKE!!!!


I have already had a bowl and plan to share some with my Hannah's Hope group tonight.

D I LOVE YOU!

Thanks for the phone call!

Having drinks and laughing it up while being FAT was the best night ever.

AF always sucks so toasting to her makes it MUCH better.

I LOVE YOU!

Hold My Hope

I have been wanting to post about this for a long time but had to wait until someone got theirs.

Nicole Sarvay from Baby Lust creates the most amazing jewelry. One day I found the most perfect necklace for the place in my life. I was low. I was down. I didn't have any hope. But my friends were carrying mine for me. I am sure you remember. I just had to have this necklace.

I emailed Nicole and asked her about them. She had sold out and would start making me 3 as soon as she got the pendants.

I has a desire to marry one day. To have all of her dreams come true. The road hasn't been easy for her. I want her to have all that she has ever wanted. I hold her hope and she holds mine. She was here when we lost our angel to heaven. She has sent notes, emails and packages to lift my spirits. She prays for me with the same deep longing for my dreams to come true as well.

D desires for a child. Her and her husband have lost 3 angels to heaven in the past year and a half. I hold her hope that one day she will have an earthly angel in her arms. She holds my hope. We meet every Thursday for happy hour. We send crazy emails all day and chat when there is nothing else to do. She went with me to many doctor appointments knowing that the outcome might be bad. She has sat with me as I cried for my little one. I have done the same for her.

When I wear my hope necklace I think of these 2 amazing women. I think of my hope for them and their hope for me. The other day D emailed to tell me that she was wearing my hope, holding out for last month's BFP. It made me smile.

I love you ladies!

*Take some time to check out Nicole's jewelry. It truly is amazing!!!

Watching Wallpaper Dry

That is what we do all the time. We watch and wait for the wallpaper to dry. We wait for our cycles to start, cycles to end. Insurance to be switched. We wait for appointments, test results and answers. We wait for our D&C to be scheduled. We wait for our hearts to stop hurting. We wait for the pain to leave. We might even get to wait to finally have our little ones.

SO what do you do during your wait?

If you are me you:

Have happy hour at least 3 times a week with amazing friends and drinks. Yesterday D and I enjoyed 2 bottles of wine for 4 hours at one of our favorite restaurants on the deck. I have a farmer's tan to prove it. Last week we all downed 5 swirls in honor of a crap week!

Visit many wineries and purchase bottle after bottle to be consumed when Aunt Flow shows instead of celebrating. I am running low right now.

Plan party after party after party. My last party was our second karaoke party. It was the best by far! This week will be a 'toy party'. I have a to do a mile long. Rice Krispy Penises, food, Sex on the Beach punch. Thursday can't get here fast enough.

Lots of blog reading. There are days when I feel so behind and others when I scream at my laptop begging for a new post from anyone. Thank God for Google Reader. I no longer have to check each of my blogs. I can just hit next on my tabs and BAM I get updates!

TV TiVo TV TiVo TV TiVo Once a month I get caught up! There are always shows to watch, old and new.

As you can see I keep pretty busy. Sometimes too busy. Other times not busy enough. Remember the flicker of hope? Well the flicker has grown only to be slowly dying again. Man my boobs have been crazy with symptoms. BUT tonight I feel AF dragging her heavy bags in for a little long weekend trip. UGH!~

Anyone want to throw back some tequila with me?

My Wish

D this is for you and anyone else who needs their wish to come true!

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

*I looked hard to find the song or video to post but no luck.

Angel after Angel

I always wanted to walk this hard walk with a friend who totally understood in every way. D became that friend. We have carried each other through many tough spots.

D and I were supposed to be pregnant together. I would have been 2 weeks behind her if my IUI had worked. We were both sad to know that our plans didn't work.

I was so happy to know she was going to have her baby in her arms in December. I was a little jealous. I was a little sad knowing that our friendship would change but I was so happy!

Today she found out that she is losing another angel to heaven. Her third angel.

I now wish she never knew what it felt like. I wish she never had to walk this awful road. I wish her dreams would come true the first time like most people. I wish she could have her dream and I could have mine.

D now has 3 angels. 3 precious little ones to play with my baby. I cannot wait until the day I can hold her babies in my arms and listen to their giggles.

D I LOVE YOU! I am here for you but I know I don't even need to tell you that.

This sucks so drinks are on me!