Canceled

I got the call last night that 3 out of the 6 embryos didn't make the thaw. My heart was sad, but we began to pray for the other 3.

This morning I get the call from my doctor that the other 3 never divided. The transfer is canceled.

I am sad but was prepared. My doctor will be calling me this afternoon with our next plan of action. He said he doesn't believe it was because of quality that they didn't make it. He says he sees me pregnant. I respond well to drugs. We will just have to tweak some things.

The positive:

The bottle of wine I opened last night will be finished by me.
I can continue to enjoy my summer with the way I love it, drinking.
The shots STOP!
We will not have to do shots on our vacation.
I can relax and have fun without worrying about anything.

The negative:

Grumps heart is broken. He just doesn't understand.
My mom feels bad that a call was even made to me about going home.
I will be waiting as usual.
My next retrieval will be the first week of school.
I lost 6 little lives today.
We have to do it all again.

I believe we should just make my middle name WAIT! Seriously! Thanks for all the support through this. Get your cheers ready for the next cycle!

Lets Count the Wait

It is hard to believe how much waiting I have done. It is something that has been on my mind lately. Why the wait? What have I learned through it all?

Grumps and I have been trying to have a family for over 5 years. Yep five years and we haven't seemed to have done much compared to the rest of the world. Usually people after this length of time either have their family or have just moved on. Here we sit stuck in the middle.

Lets list the wait!

*It all began with Grumps 5 year plan. As a kid I wanted to start having babies as soon as I got married. Well my thoughts on that changed with maturity. I knew we needed to develop our relationship and figure US out. As each year went by I began to ask Grumps if we could shorten our plan. I even began to pray for my little babies which I didn't have yet. Right before our 5 year mark we began to do it like rabbits. I just knew we would have a baby in our hands in no time. Ahummm lets move on!

*After our first year of trying we began the lovely testing process. There goes more wait. Wait for the test. Wait for the results. Wait for Grumps to come back from training. Wait for recovery. WAIT!!!!

*Then the lovely endo was discovered. Another HUGE moment of wait while I was on Lupron. The year on awful drugs seemed like eternity. I tried to make the best of it by enjoying friends and beverages. It helped some.

*Of course we were blessed with a moment of a baby as our wait ended. But then we lost our little one to heaven and had to wait as we recovered.

*I really thought all the wait was over when we began our trip to the RE and treatments. Well we went on another wait. The insurance wait of 6 months.

*Finally we have IVF insight. We are right in the middle of it all. Our dreams are about to come true (okay hope for the dream to come true) when we get the call about my mom. WAIT AGAIN!

It seems we have spent more time waiting than anything else. What has it taught me? Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.......... LONG PAUSE! I guess it has taught me how not to stress. How to trust. How to just enjoy the moment no matter what it brings. I can't let disappointment and major changes determine the quality of my life. I have to really make the best of a yuck situation. All things happen for a reason. Lets chew on that for a moment.

I have a list of things that wouldn't have happened in my life from friendships to time with my mom. During the wait you have to look at it as a time to find you in a new way. Find how you can touch others. How can you make the best of a not so great situation.

Embrace the wait and live!

Holding My Breath

I have been here, hiding for the past little bit. I have been reading blogs and commenting on only a few. This 2ww is hard.

I love the first couple of weeks of my cycle. I love the shots, pills and doc visits. It makes me feel proactive. Now all I feel is ick.

Yellow and blue makes green. That's what happens when you use progesterone and estrogen up the 'girl' twice a day. I hate the green. I hate how it makes me feel pregnant. My boobs are bigger than Dolly's right now. I have them squished into my bra. They are more than painful. Of course I think, I might be pregnant. Truthfully, it is from the stupid green!!!!

Wednesday is the day I can finally breathe again. I should get the phone call sometime in the early afternoon. I had thought about testing early. Trying to push that idea out of my head. Instead I am going to have them call Grumps with the results. He needs to have that experience once. It is like a knife in the gut.

Today I heard, Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins. It couldn't have been a more perfect time.

DC girls, You sure helped pass the time on Saturday!!! Thanks for a fun night!

Over the Edge

I have no clue what my title means. I guess I am just over it all. Mainly the waiting. I will get to more on the waiting in a minute.

I had my self-evaluation at work last week. Every 2 years I am on the observation cycle. I HATE IT! My boss comes and goes watching me teach. She checks my records. I show her all my great stuff and how I keep up with parents, blah blah blah. Really it is just STRESS!

During my meeting she asked for my goals for the year. I made some crap up. She asked if I had a personal goal. Yep, to just make it through the year. I then spilled my guts and told her my story. Not all of it but the nutshell version with limited tears. Before I got into it she drops her grandbaby's picture in my hands. I am like, "OH MY GOD please stop." Well it is an IVF baby. She tried to connect. I thought WOW I have a boss who totally will get me.

Here comes her advice. First, she is putting me on her baby list. The list of women she wants to get pregnant for the year. I would like to know what she will do about all of this. Then she tells me to surround myself with all the pregnant women. To let their hormones surround me. To soak them in. To let them heal me.

WHAT THE CRAP! Who tells an IF to surround herself with pregnant women? I believe that is more like suicide. I smiled, tried not to roll my eyes, and laughed. At least my new boss knows where I am if any more crap hits the fan.

Now onto what really pushed me over the edge. You know the, "We are changing our insurance in October. I will do my next IUI in December?" Well let's move that change to next month. I know, it is only one month but it pushes my IUI to January unless my cycle falls perfectly in December. I have spent more time waiting than doing anything productive. I am just plain TIRED! Yes I know I just talked about "My time is in Your hands." Seriously what more can I do in this wait? UGH!

I guess on the bright side, I get one more extra month of drinking.

Yep I have been on a posting craze. Sorry for so many posts. It is my way of dealing.

Watching Wallpaper Dry

That is what we do all the time. We watch and wait for the wallpaper to dry. We wait for our cycles to start, cycles to end. Insurance to be switched. We wait for appointments, test results and answers. We wait for our D&C to be scheduled. We wait for our hearts to stop hurting. We wait for the pain to leave. We might even get to wait to finally have our little ones.

SO what do you do during your wait?

If you are me you:

Have happy hour at least 3 times a week with amazing friends and drinks. Yesterday D and I enjoyed 2 bottles of wine for 4 hours at one of our favorite restaurants on the deck. I have a farmer's tan to prove it. Last week we all downed 5 swirls in honor of a crap week!

Visit many wineries and purchase bottle after bottle to be consumed when Aunt Flow shows instead of celebrating. I am running low right now.

Plan party after party after party. My last party was our second karaoke party. It was the best by far! This week will be a 'toy party'. I have a to do a mile long. Rice Krispy Penises, food, Sex on the Beach punch. Thursday can't get here fast enough.

Lots of blog reading. There are days when I feel so behind and others when I scream at my laptop begging for a new post from anyone. Thank God for Google Reader. I no longer have to check each of my blogs. I can just hit next on my tabs and BAM I get updates!

TV TiVo TV TiVo TV TiVo Once a month I get caught up! There are always shows to watch, old and new.

As you can see I keep pretty busy. Sometimes too busy. Other times not busy enough. Remember the flicker of hope? Well the flicker has grown only to be slowly dying again. Man my boobs have been crazy with symptoms. BUT tonight I feel AF dragging her heavy bags in for a little long weekend trip. UGH!~

Anyone want to throw back some tequila with me?