Medical Math

I only teach 2nd grade. I didn't go to school to read a syringe or figure out how much medicine I need now. Tonight I put in my dose into my pen. I know it won't be enough. I have my other box ready to go that my nurse gave me. Of course the pen runs out. I open the box and BAM no meds. The box is empty.

FREAK OUT MOMENT!!!

I have 4 vials of 150 ius each. I am breathing easier. THEN I get my syringe and try to figure out how much I need. Of course my pen didn't end on a number. Nope, it ends on a line. How much is it really? I have NO CLUE! I do a little guess and pull it into my syringe. Nope, I can't figure it out. I get a smaller syringe and still can't figure it out. I pull out all the papers and everything and am REALLY LOST. Now before me I have many needles and syringes and still no guess.

My next step is frantically calling a fellow IVFer. She doesn't answer. HELP ME! I finally take a deep breath and just guess. Here I am guessing on fertility drugs at the end of my days with truly no clue if I am even close.

I am still freaking out and it has been over 30 minutes later. I know I didn't screw things up but the stress of it all is just driving me nuts. I hope my nurse can give me a real box tomorrow. I hope my estrogen levels don't freak out. I hope it all ends on a good note.

Thanks for listening to my freak out moment. I just had to get it out of my head. I am DONE with injections!

Thank You

I have nothing else to add. I just needed the hugs and words. I am lost right now. With work and life and what to do next, I needed you. THANK YOU!

Updated!!!

Ha! I don't remember posting this. I went out for our traditional beer and wings. I enjoyed MANY beers. When I came home I guess I posted. I have NO memory of this. Oh so funny! It is still true but I can't stop laughing!

It has been confirmed...

I got the call this afternoon after my beta. It is a true negative.

I am still numb but fine. You know, you stay grounded during it all ready for this moment of disappointment.

I have questions for my doctor.

Thanks for being there along the road. We aren't sure if we will transfer our little frozen embryo next or do one more fresh ivf. The plan right now is beer and wings tomorrow with friends.

Weak

I was weak this morning. I caved and tested. I had discovered one test left from a long time ago. As I peed on the stick I was hoping for good things but really expecting the worse. I have been super crampy.

Well... It was negative. I still have my beta on Tuesday but it is over. I hate that there isn't relief in knowing.

My Big Ones

Oh it is so much fun being a teacher. Today a mom of a previous student stared me down on my way into the lunch room. I knew what she was thinking. "Is she pregnant?" We waved and I quickly moved on. This is the lady who gave me a fertility book saying it would bring me good luck.

During the class bathroom break she hunted me down. You won't believe what came out of her mouth. It really makes me laugh just thinking about it. She moved in really close and said, "MAN your BOOBS are HUGE! Is there something you want to tell me?" I am surrounded by little 7 year olds. I want to laugh my head off. Instead I say, "It's the hormones. We are still trying." My favorite response EVER comes next. "I have a flutter and goosebumps. It is going to happen. I feel it." She then kisses me on the cheek and whispers how she will pray.

I LOVE how all big things in life happen because of a flutter and goosebumps. I must have missed that a long time ago. HAHAHAHHA!

3 Little Ones

I left all of you hanging with my HUGE SWOLLEN ovaries and the info of my many eggs. I guess I should fill you in.

I transferred on Wednesday with my substitute husband, D! I got the call from my sweet doctor that morning letting me know 4 had made it. One embryo was really good. 2 were good. They all had slowed in growth. The rest were growing but turning abnormal. The decision was made to transfer 3.

We arrived in Scaryville with D and I making sure everyone knew we were best friends, not lovers for a second time. When they called my name we went into the other waiting room. The nurse said, YOU (that would be me) sit here. Sir (that would be D) sit here. She then looked up and realized D was not a sir but a mam. EVERYONE was laughing. She was so embarrassed. It was a priceless moment.

We are then moved into the transfer room. I had been nervous all night and morning. My fear was nothing would make it for transfer. Here is where the cool stuff began. The transferring doctor was my retrieval doctor. It is wonderful to see a familiar face in the Big office. They were very kind to explain everything. Making sure I could see my little ones get 'dropped' into my insides. At that moment my breath caught. It wasn't sperm like the before IUIs. It was LIFE!!!! I began to pray out loud while the other ladies in the room began to cheer the little ones on. It was so moving.

Everyone left (of course before they left I told jokes about my good luck not shaving look and the many shirts I will make if I get pregnant and have a little one. I also said my little one will fear Aunt D because she was there when the little life was created AND when the little life was placed inside mom.) and D began to pray for the little ones to live and thrive and be. As she is praying the amazing embryologist comes in with my CUTE picture. She is tearing up watching D pray with her hands on my belly. She then says how special this was for her. She not only helped transfer them but inseminated them. She said it never happens that way. Too many perfects.

Of course it all ended with D and I at Cheeburger Cheeburger for yummy food. I finally made it home to rest in bed with my heating pad. My ovaries were still grapefruit sized, pushing my uterus up. Now we wait.

I am trying very hard to stay grounded yet stay full of faith and hope. So many are praying for life. I can't thank everyone enough for the emails, txts, phone calls, cards, fruit, food, shots, rides, dog babysitting, millions of offers to help... Grumps finally returned home to view the photo of what he missed. I am now ready to be pampered. HE OWES ME!!!!

Cluck cluck cluck

That would be the sound that should be coming out of my mouth. Yep I am a hen. Now my friend says I am equal to a teenage egg donor. Here is the update.

They retrieved 31 eggs. There were more but my endo was blocking them. 28 were mature. 19 fertilized.

I have drank SO MUCH gatorade to stop any swelling. It has worked but man I don't want to drink anymore of it ever again. I also ate more steak than a person should eat.

As of today we will be transferring on Wednesday. We will transfer 2 embies at day 5. DAY 5! I am praying there is something there by then. I know there will be. Today I had 5 at 8 cells. Then we go down from there.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. I am happy I get to great my students at the door instead of a substitute. Now for Wednesday and Thursday I will be on bedrest relying on my girls since Grumps is out of town.

What I need from you? PRAYERS!!!! I really want this to work. I know we all want ivf to work for us but I am just not sure I can do this again.

By the way, I haven't forgotten about the all about me questions. Maybe I will begin working on it while on bedrest.

Blood Shooter

Nothing seems to ever be easy for me any more.

Yesterday was my trigger day. After having u/s and b/w every day for a week I finally got the call. Of course Grumps is out of town and couldn't help me. I had a list of people who offered to assist in giving me the shot but the one I had set up to shoot me up couldn't. You know how the call goes, you are going to trigger at 7pm. I get the call at 5pm. I really don't have time or the clarity of mind to call my backup. I decide to ask my friend from work who I do everything with. She starts freaking out.

As she is following me home from work (leaving work at 6:15, getting stuck in traffic) she is panicking even more about the shot idea. I am beginning to wonder if this will be a solo job. I had planned to do everything solo from the beginning, except Grump wasn't a fan. He had given me a shot once and caused the side of my leg and butt to go numb. He was afraid what I would to myself. Well we get home. I get the trigger ready. She is now deep breathing.

I lean up against the table, putting my weight on my left leg. My friend takes the HUGE needle in her hands and begins to REALLY freak out. I start laughing which isn't good when a 1 1/2 inch needle is about to go into your butt. SO I just did it myself. No pain, very easy EXCEPT... I pull the needle out and blood shoots EVERYWHERE. I have blood squirting out of me like a fountain. It is splattered all over the floor. I am laughing and trying to get something to stop it all. My poor friend, shocked. Did I hit a vein?

HA! I really wish I could have had a video. I have never scene anything like it before in my IF life. Now the plan, retrieval is early Friday morning. Transfer is of course still up in the air. Monday, would be day 3. The first day of school is on Tuesday. My doctor said I could go to work if I was feeling up to it. My boss said, NO. She wants me to stay on bedrest. What do I do?

Finally, my estrogen level is super high. I had to cut my trigger in half. I was told to drink lots of sport drinks and eat protein starting tomorrow. I am also to keep a check on my weight. OF COURSE I have this problem to worry about! Did this happen to anyone else? Any tips or thoughts?

Home and Fluffy

We have been back from our vacation for a few days now. We had a wonderful time. Grumps worked hard to plan a wonderful trip full of good food and great places to rest our heads. We reconnected in just being together. Life couldn't get in the way.

Now being back home the ivf and back to school countdown has begun. It looks like both will be right there with each other. I am praying my body doesn't take too long to respond. I can't miss the first day of school. I really can't miss any days of the first week. It all has to just run VERY smoothly. I am laughing though deep inside. When do things run smoothly for me? Of course my retrieval would be on the open house day. Of course my transfer could be the first day of school. That is how my world works.

My other 'issue'... raise your hand if treatments have caused you to gain weight. A lot? I am out of control large. It makes me sad. My boobs are HUGE! My body just feeds on these drugs. I am at the point I could rest my chin on my girls. I can't do a thing about any of it until I am done with these stupid drugs. Please tell me I am not the only one? PLEASE!!!!

The word has been spread to the mouths of my school. I might look pregnant but I am for sure not. They have my permission to tell everyone.

So I am serious about my question. Did you gain weight? How much in total? Did your body love the drugs? I don't want to hear about how thin you were through it all. I don't want to hear about how you exercised and ate healthy. Now it is time to chime in!!!

Canceled

I got the call last night that 3 out of the 6 embryos didn't make the thaw. My heart was sad, but we began to pray for the other 3.

This morning I get the call from my doctor that the other 3 never divided. The transfer is canceled.

I am sad but was prepared. My doctor will be calling me this afternoon with our next plan of action. He said he doesn't believe it was because of quality that they didn't make it. He says he sees me pregnant. I respond well to drugs. We will just have to tweak some things.

The positive:

The bottle of wine I opened last night will be finished by me.
I can continue to enjoy my summer with the way I love it, drinking.
The shots STOP!
We will not have to do shots on our vacation.
I can relax and have fun without worrying about anything.

The negative:

Grumps heart is broken. He just doesn't understand.
My mom feels bad that a call was even made to me about going home.
I will be waiting as usual.
My next retrieval will be the first week of school.
I lost 6 little lives today.
We have to do it all again.

I believe we should just make my middle name WAIT! Seriously! Thanks for all the support through this. Get your cheers ready for the next cycle!

6 Babypops

I wanted to give everyone an update on me. I feel so faraway from the online world. Time has really been spent just spending time with family. My mom is looking really good. She is getting better everyday. We went in for the consult yesterday. The cancer is stage 4. It is in place throughout her body but mainly her breasts. BUT she has decided to do chemo. We will start it the week of the 7th. They said it wouldn't be her cure but it would help the quality of her life. We are still believing for perfect healing. Thank you all for praying and encouraging me.

Last night, mom and I stayed up late talking and sharing. It helps me understand more and more on her choices. She does realize she was dumb and let it go too far. My heart still hurts. I still wish life was different but we can't live there.

NOW onto more upbeat news!!! My retrieval went wonderful. They got 10 eggs. 8 were mature. They were able to fertilized 6. I now have 6 babypops waiting for me when I get home and settled. I think about them everyday. How crazy am I?

Keep us in your prayers. I will try to check in when I can. You are all the best!

Twiddling My Thumbs

I should be at work today. Everyone else woke up griping about spring break being over. Everyone dreaded seeing the kids. Here I sit, in bed, planning my day, trying not to over think.

I called last week and got my leave of absence taken care of. Making that call was so sad. Having to verbalize what was going on to a stranger wasn't fun. I also went to work to get things in order on Friday. I had all these intentions. I barely could breathe. Poor Grumps watched me run around with my head cut off. I left it all for my team to take care of. I feel awful.

My mom is having more tests run today at the cancer hospital. We will get more answers on Friday. I got more information about her physical state and the cancer yesterday. It continues to break my heart. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried.

I am holding onto faith. God is in the middle of it all.

________________________________________

Last night I triggered, or should I say Grumps did. He did a great job considering he was scared to death. I caught the spear action he took on me from the corner of my eye. I freaked just a bit. I am sore today. We go in for retrieval tomorrow morning. I fly out to my family Wednesday afternoon.

I cannot thank you enough for your strength through your comments and emails. I feel surrounded by all of you.

In My Arms

Is where I wish you were today. Hearing you giggle. Watching you try to walk. Being close by.

My little angel I miss you today more than ever before.

Your grandmother is coming home to you soon. She is the best at rocking you to sleep. You won't miss her. Her smile is so big and her words are so gentle. Enjoy her for me.



The song is my heart's cry. I found the video on youtube.

________________________________________________________

They are giving my mom 2 to 4 weeks to live. They are heading to the cancer hospital today. They will see the doctors tomorrow and have more tests run. The information could change but the cancer is really bad. I go to the doctor this morning for monitoring. We need to talk about this cycle. There is a possibility we will either retrieve and freeze or cancel. If we cancel I will leave tomorrow to be with my family. If nothing else I will be there next week until the end. I am taking leave from work. I don't want to watch my mom die but I can't stay home. We are still praying for a miracle.

All that my mind can think of is, how do I live in a world without my mom. She is so amazing. In fact there is a package at the post office from her for us for Easter. Her love never stops.

Thank you so much for the many comments and emails. I feel surrounded by love.

Give Your Mama a Kiss

Today my mind is heavy and so is my heart. Thoughts, scenes and memories are flooding me.

I got the call yesterday morning. My dad was taking my mom to the ER. She had shortness of breath. I began to pray and wait. After church I was headed to meet up with the DC bloggers when I got the second call. My dad was calling me back.

"Sunny, the doctor just left the room. We just got the news." My dad was struggling to stay composed. I could tell he was about to lose it.

"Your mom has cancer. It is in both breasts and in her chest cavity. She has had it for 5 years. I felt her breast this morning and it is hard as a rock. She doesn't want chemo or radiation. The hospital cannot help her. They are sending her home with things to help her breathe. She is strong. We are believing God will heal her." He then chokes up and blames himself. "I should have known. I would ask her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating, why did she have the cough. She would give excuses." My dad's heart was broken. The reason he lives is for my mom and now she is sick. Very sick.

All I can do is stay strong for him. Listen. Let him ramble. I ask a couple of questions, but I am in shock myself. I asked if he wanted me to call my brother. He was thankful I offered. He said he couldn't make it through another phone call. I hung up with my dad feeling so very far away.

I called Grumps, still composed. He sent me home. No lunch with the girls. I began to call my friends who knew I was waiting for the phone call. Without asking they said they were on their way to my house. I then began to cry. I cried all the way home. I cried alone on my couch waiting. I finally composed myself and called my brother. As soon as I heard his voice and began to tell him the news I broke. He broke. In fact he pretty much hung up on me. He was so at a loss.

My girls and Grumps arrived at the house. My favorite junk food was brought to feed the troops, stuff for rice krispy treats, ice cream, and choco chip cookie dough. They let me cry. They held me. They made me laugh. They helped me forget for a moment how my world was unraveling. I am so thankful for my friends. They knew what to do.

Grumps was amazing. He busied himself with taking care of the girls. He was the one who made the cookies. My husband doesn't cook. BUT he read the instructions, made the biggest cookies ever and even put them on the cooling rack. He is my hero.

The rest of the day was a blur of tears and phone calls. My mom called to check on me. Oh so her to make sure we were all right. You could hear the smile in her voice. I told her I was sad and angry. She told me later that night she was only trying to protect us. She didn't want to rock our world. She was waiting for God to take it away. It just hasn't happened yet.

I want to be there right now with my mom. I want to make food for her. I want to clean her house. I want to watch movies, tell stories and just be in her presence. Yet I am here in the middle of my first IVF cycle. I have debated ending it and flying there. I don't think she would want that. She is surrounded by those who love her. I will go soon. I am not sure when. I need more information. There is talk of taking her to a top hospital near my brother. If that is the case it would be so easy to fly there. But my head is spinning.

Every thing that comes out of my mouth makes me think of my mom. Every thing I do is something she taught me. Pictures in my house bring back memories. I want to make more of those moments with my mom. I want my children to know her. I am not giving up hope. I just wish my mind would turn off and be at peace.

I will stand firm this Easter on what Jesus did for us. His stripes are for my mom's healing.

Call your mom's today. If she lives close, give her a kiss and hug. If she is far make a visit. Enjoy every moment you can with her.

Good Things

Its been awhile. I am alive! I know you were all worried. HA!

*I opened a REALLY good bottle of wine tonight.

*Toasting AF for showing.

*Lupron for work.

*S's retrieval and growing babies!

*Stims begin tonight!!!

*I am not sick anymore. (Puked behind my trailer yesterday at school. Of course the rumor mill is thinking I am pregnant including parents.)

*4 more sleeps and Spring Break is here!!!

*My heart friend got married this past weekend! I have been holding her hope for years! Her hope came true. Now she continues to hold mine.

*I have a good man. Even though he is TERRIFIED of giving me shots, he asked today if I needed his help. So sweet but I have it under control for now.

*Good friends who check on me and cheer me on!

*Finally, I believe my retrieval and transfer will be next week. NO MORE inlaws knowing! We can still keep it a secret!

So there is my little quick list.

On my bad side:

*I have UGLY cramps that stupid tylenol won't even touch!

*For some stupid reason my zits have moved from my face down to between my boobs. What the ...!

*Sleep still isn't my friend. I MISS good sleep!

One is the Loniest Number

You have an appointment with your RE for one of your million procedures. Your amazing husband has a job which makes it hard to take time off. You on the other hand have to take the entire day because all 'procedure' appointments are right dab in the middle of the day.

As you walk in you try to be confident with each step. You try not to look at the sea of people. If you do, you will notice you are alone and they are a couple. In my head I wonder what they are thinking about me, coming alone to a big scary office?

My confidence carries me through it all. One is a very lonely number but you have to do what you have to do. There are times my great friends go with me. D really can't anymore. Her belly is too big to hide as not pregnant. So I now go alone.

Today was my mock embryo transfer. I don't think I will ever enjoy someone looking at my girl and putting things in it. A quick wanding is one thing. A stare, push, probe, this and that is NEVER fun! One good thing, all is good and clear. Lupron begins next week. My meds arrive on Saturday. Soon it will be time to get organized!

Do you go to your appointments alone, with a friend or with your 'lover'?

The Schedule

We got our tentative schedule in the mail today. The drugs are listed. The dates are there. My eyes went right to big dates.

Remember us wanting to keep this a secret from our family? The 'date' for our retrieval and all that jazz is during Grumps' parents visit. I feel sick about it all. There is no way to hide the doctors appointment, shots in the butt or me on bed rest.

When I shared the 'dates' with Grumps he wasn't impressed. I wanted to hear, "No worries dear. It will all work out. They will be glad to help out during that time." Instead I got, "Great I guess we will be telling them. Great I guess you will have to stay home when we go out. Great they wanted to do stuff with you too. Great...." UGH!

Now I am all anxious and yuck inside. Why can't things work out the way they are supposed to?
Oh and I will get to bring my lupron injections with us to Iris' wedding. How do you take needles on a plane in your carry on?

Not How We Thought It Would Be

I have been toying with a title for this post for days. Here are a few of them.

5 year anniversary - yep we have been doing this dance for 5 years. I could have had a 4 year old if it had worked the way it is 'supposed to'.

5 out of 7 - how many days I was at the RE last week.

Busted - my IUI cycle.

Laying EGGS - I had more eggs than my body knew what to do with them.

A year of my fertile life - about how many eggs I lost this month.

The Big Scary Step - what is now upon us.

And finally what I ended up with!

Lets just skip to the chase. There will be no IUI this week. I over produced. I had over 20 follicles form. 12 turned into something. 7 to 9 moved into good sized follicles for producing something. The idea of IVF got thrown out there by the BIG office but quickly got taken back by the real thinkers who know my cycle. There was talk of if I would consider selective reduction if needed in order to go through with this IUI. I couldn't make that call. So I got the call Monday afternoon to end this little game we were playing and go onto the pill. I haven't been on the pill in over 8 years. I was also told to use another form of protection of we had relations. We haven't used protection in 5 years.

With all this disappointment and throwing around ideas Grumps and I were left frustrated. We are tired of playing games and changing schedules to fit my bodies schedule. We are tired of the maybes and oops each month. We have decided to move towards IVF.

We sat together in silence letting the idea sink in. We were sad. Sad because we never thought we would have to be here. In fact at the beginning of all of this we both pretty much said we would never go down this road. Grumps was for sure not bending on the idea. Now it was decided on without much discussion.

I talked with my amazing RE! (He called the day of the cancellation making sure I was okay and being there to answer questions. He also answered my email right away. What doctor has email?) I didn't want to be on the pill for 2 months before we could start everything. So this is my pill and lupron month. I will start my lupron shots the first week of March.

I know YEAH for moving ahead. YEAH this will work. YEAH I am so excited. I have heard it all. But we all know it might not. I am guarding myself. I am guarding Grumps too. We aren't telling family right now. I don't want them to be disappointed. You can cheer us on but be careful, we are pretty breakable.