The Schedule

We got our tentative schedule in the mail today. The drugs are listed. The dates are there. My eyes went right to big dates.

Remember us wanting to keep this a secret from our family? The 'date' for our retrieval and all that jazz is during Grumps' parents visit. I feel sick about it all. There is no way to hide the doctors appointment, shots in the butt or me on bed rest.

When I shared the 'dates' with Grumps he wasn't impressed. I wanted to hear, "No worries dear. It will all work out. They will be glad to help out during that time." Instead I got, "Great I guess we will be telling them. Great I guess you will have to stay home when we go out. Great they wanted to do stuff with you too. Great...." UGH!

Now I am all anxious and yuck inside. Why can't things work out the way they are supposed to?
Oh and I will get to bring my lupron injections with us to Iris' wedding. How do you take needles on a plane in your carry on?

Me and My Ramblings

I am here, finally with my wireless working! (Thanks S!!!) Not having my wireless working has really been a drag. HA! I have so much tv to catch up on and not having blogs to read with the tv has been hard. I know, it sounds crazy. But not being able catch up on blogs kills me. I had over 250 posts to read this weekend. Yep, I feel like that is a lot. I finally caught up! I haven't caught up on tv.

October is here. It looks like we will be able to change my insurance without waiting for January. It scares me. Totally scares me. I am in a good place, minus the preggos that surround me. I don't want to go into the dark places of IF. I enjoy breathing. There are times when it can be hard but barely breathing is a different place.

I am feeling that alone feeling again. Not because I don't have amazing friends but because I am left behind. I guess I should stand tall and be proud that at least I am still standing. But still standing alone can be a hard place.

Dmarie THANK YOU for the bracelets. My next post will be about them. Grumps amazed me.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that was very disturbing. I find I do my worrying in my dreams instead of real time. Guess what I worried about last night? Being childless.

In my dream I had made friends with another couple dealing with IF. We both had just done a procedure and were waiting for our results. Of course she finds out she is pregnant. She tells me she is sad I am not and moves on. It was like she couldn't be my friend unless we both were pregnant or not pregnant together. Yes, weird.

I realized then, in my dream, I had no choice. It was either time to adopt or time to face the facts, we would remain childless.

As part of my dream I had to tell my coworkers of my decision. I guess this is where I begin stressing and worrying about the upcoming school year. We are going to have lots of changes. I am trying not to care.

I woke up from my dream saddened and disturbed. I know it was a dream. I know it isn't time to face those facts yet but they were there in my sleep. It is also strange how every time I woke up Grumps was touching me. We never touch in our sleep. Maybe he was having the same dreams. I will have to ask him when he wakes up.

Please STOP ME!!!

I have been doing so well with my eating and losing and looking good. The ice and snow hit and it all turned to crap. I tried to pull it together but stress is hitting in and a very small bit of worry is setting in.

I see chocolate and I have to have a bite. Cookies are getting devored. I HATE GIRL SCOUTS!!! The Samoas are going to kill me.

I CAN'T STOP!!!

My body was supposed to be just AMAZING for Jamaica in 4 weeks. Ummmm at the rate I am going I will double me by then.

I think I need to start therapy!