On the Eve

No words but please God don't let it be like our last pregnancy ultra sound. I can't bare to have another moment of complete silence from the doctor looking for life. I can't have the swimming through water, not being able to breathe moment. I can't have the world standing still, Grumps trying to console and me falling apart. I NEED to see life!

I hate how my world is tainted. I hate how it has been touched with death and wait and uncertainty before. Why can't the world be roses?

I live for a pregnancy sign. I live for feeling sick. I smile when I feel puky. I cheer when I can't eat another bite. No complaining. I need those moments.

Tomorrow I HAVE to see life! God you have to hold me tight. It has to be okay.

Headaches, Cycles, and Babies

I am posting early today from bed. Yep I took the day off. I have had a headache since Saturday. It comes and goes. It gets worse and then lightens up. I have taken the good pills and the normal ones. Not much is helping. I guess it is stress. I do this. I let it all build up, usually in my sleep, and then explode one day. I am now exploding. To help with the explosion, I am going for a massage. Something has to give.

I am on day 5 of this lovely cycle. Two clomid pills down. Hope is rising in a very slow weird way. Guarded is my middle name. Hopeful will be my first. I have to hope. I can't be numb forever. But I will stay guarded. On day 3 I brought my little white pill to bed with me at 9. I looked at it from a far. Flirting a little with my eyes. HA! Then I began to fondle my sweet pill. Working hard to get it out of its little protective package. Next I held it between my fingers saying little sweet nothings to it. "Please do a good job! Please help give us a baby!" Down that little white pill went. Saturday will be my affair with my needle!

I am helping my team give a baby shower on Friday. I don't do baby showers unless I just have to. I have to with this one. I tried to stay just as an adviser but it looks like I am now going to be walking down the isle of baby crap to fill up a basket of stuff. Whose idea? MINE! Just shoot me now.

On a good baby note, Debby is having a boy! Go give her some amazing love! I hope she posts about it soon. She has the most priceless u/s ever!

Hold My Hope

I have been wanting to post about this for a long time but had to wait until someone got theirs.

Nicole Sarvay from Baby Lust creates the most amazing jewelry. One day I found the most perfect necklace for the place in my life. I was low. I was down. I didn't have any hope. But my friends were carrying mine for me. I am sure you remember. I just had to have this necklace.

I emailed Nicole and asked her about them. She had sold out and would start making me 3 as soon as she got the pendants.

I has a desire to marry one day. To have all of her dreams come true. The road hasn't been easy for her. I want her to have all that she has ever wanted. I hold her hope and she holds mine. She was here when we lost our angel to heaven. She has sent notes, emails and packages to lift my spirits. She prays for me with the same deep longing for my dreams to come true as well.

D desires for a child. Her and her husband have lost 3 angels to heaven in the past year and a half. I hold her hope that one day she will have an earthly angel in her arms. She holds my hope. We meet every Thursday for happy hour. We send crazy emails all day and chat when there is nothing else to do. She went with me to many doctor appointments knowing that the outcome might be bad. She has sat with me as I cried for my little one. I have done the same for her.

When I wear my hope necklace I think of these 2 amazing women. I think of my hope for them and their hope for me. The other day D emailed to tell me that she was wearing my hope, holding out for last month's BFP. It made me smile.

I love you ladies!

*Take some time to check out Nicole's jewelry. It truly is amazing!!!

Watching Wallpaper Dry

That is what we do all the time. We watch and wait for the wallpaper to dry. We wait for our cycles to start, cycles to end. Insurance to be switched. We wait for appointments, test results and answers. We wait for our D&C to be scheduled. We wait for our hearts to stop hurting. We wait for the pain to leave. We might even get to wait to finally have our little ones.

SO what do you do during your wait?

If you are me you:

Have happy hour at least 3 times a week with amazing friends and drinks. Yesterday D and I enjoyed 2 bottles of wine for 4 hours at one of our favorite restaurants on the deck. I have a farmer's tan to prove it. Last week we all downed 5 swirls in honor of a crap week!

Visit many wineries and purchase bottle after bottle to be consumed when Aunt Flow shows instead of celebrating. I am running low right now.

Plan party after party after party. My last party was our second karaoke party. It was the best by far! This week will be a 'toy party'. I have a to do a mile long. Rice Krispy Penises, food, Sex on the Beach punch. Thursday can't get here fast enough.

Lots of blog reading. There are days when I feel so behind and others when I scream at my laptop begging for a new post from anyone. Thank God for Google Reader. I no longer have to check each of my blogs. I can just hit next on my tabs and BAM I get updates!

TV TiVo TV TiVo TV TiVo Once a month I get caught up! There are always shows to watch, old and new.

As you can see I keep pretty busy. Sometimes too busy. Other times not busy enough. Remember the flicker of hope? Well the flicker has grown only to be slowly dying again. Man my boobs have been crazy with symptoms. BUT tonight I feel AF dragging her heavy bags in for a little long weekend trip. UGH!~

Anyone want to throw back some tequila with me?

A Flicker of Hope

We have talked a lot about hope around here. (I am too lazy to link to any hope posts. If you want to read them click on my hope label.) I even have a 'hope' necklace that I will post about later. After my last cycle with the nice IUI we are on hold. I have come to grips with that. I truly don't expect to get pregnant on my own. Now if God wants to do His thing, I am cool with that.

Well now I am on day 20 something of this cycle. I have taken it very easy. No temping and just doing whatever whenever without stress or fear. We did have moments around the right time so there is always that flicker of hope. But it is amazing how the same stupid thoughts start up even though I said this would be an easy and fun time of waiting.

My boobs hurt. I can't stop thinking about how big and hard and painful they are. I am sure they feel the same every month but of course that stupid flicker kicks in every time.

Then I started thinking, I know to make a baby but do I REALLY know how? I have read the books, blogs, websites, message boards. I have checked my cm for FOREVER and my temp just as long. I have done the every day of sex. Every other day of sex. All month of sex. 2 weeks of sex. SEX SEX SEX. (WOW I am going to get hits for that one!) We do it the good ole missionary way. The hips have come up. The legs high in the air. Instead cups and DRY sex have also been tried. I have laid on my back throughout the entire night, never getting up to go to the bathroom.

With all that said, am I doing it wrong? Seriously, have you ever thought that? Have you ever wondered if you are just plain stupid? It is like the person who truly believes with all her heart that she is an incredible singer but it completely tone deaf and can't carry a tune. I know that I am doing it right but sometimes I just wonder.

Anyone else crazy like me?

Pour Me a Glass of Wine

Oh wait, I already did!

That's right. I am not pregnant. I got the call from my nurse, NEGATIVE! I let my voice mail catch it while I was teaching. I took a moment outside my room to listen. I heard it in her voice before she even had to say anything. I deleted the message, took a breath, and walked back into my room to finish the day.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just crawl under the covers for forever. But I pressed on and 'inspired' my kids!

My girls called and emailed. I felt hugs from all over the place.

I didn't know how to tell Grumps. I had planned to stop at the store and buy him something that said 'Daddy' today. I was torn about texting him, calling him, or waiting to tell him in person. He called me first. We shot the breeze for a couple of minutes and then I just say, "We aren't pregnant." He was so shocked. He totally had HUGE hope!

I had let myself start hoping yesterday. I had started planning and having HUGE hope. I wish I hadn't. Thank GOD I had others holding my hope the entire time. How hard it would have been if I had known all along that I was pregnant. Being that hopeful.

I came home and put on The Wreckers, opened the wine, started dinner and held back the tears. I wanted to cry alone. I didn't want Grumps to see my heart broken. He came up to grab dinner and pulled me out of my chair. He heard the music, saw the wine, and knew that my heart was hurt. He held me and let me cry. We don't do that very often. I cried really hard. I told him how I wish there wasn't money involved. The money part makes it hard. He said, "Don't worry about the money."

Now I just enjoy my life right NOW! We still need to talk about what's next. Do we spend more money for the next IUI like our RE wants to do? Or do we wait until the fall when I can switch insurances and not have to worry about the money? My heart says to go for another IUI. I am not sure what Grumps' brain is telling him.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this cycle. I don't' know how many of you do this month after month. I don't know how you go through IVF and make it out okay on the other side.

Off to finish my first glass of wine and start on the second.

Trying to Stay Grounded

I have been on this journey way too long to have that newbie feeling. You know the feeling.

It goes something like this:

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE MONTH!!!

I got my first opk telling me its a go. It must be the month.

The tech said that after my hsg many women get pregnant. OH IT IS ME THIS MONTH!

WOW my temps are super high. Or I had that nice perfect implantation dip! I am pregnant this month for sure.

My doctor gave me Clomid this cycle. This will be the one.

Okay do you have that feeling? The new feeling? That HUGE hope feeling? I have been on this road too long to even have that feeling anymore. Okay there have been times it jumps up but I stomp on it like a cockroach! I shout SHUT UP!

Now I have just done my first IUI. Yes, my FIRST! I should have those first feelings. They come for a bit but the reality hits. Why would it work for me? It hasn't worked for many of my friends. I read so many blogs that IVF isn't even working right now. WHY should the IUI work for me?

I so want it to work. Man, I would give anything for it to work. But to be very honest there is guilt there. Guilt that it worked for me and not my friends. Guilt that they would have that yuck feeling when they see me say "I got my BFP! It worked!!!" How sick is that? I don't want that. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to have that stupid guilt.

I guess the remedy of it all would be to stop reading blogs. Of course I can't do that but my brain has been exposed to so much that I have lost that first feeling.

I am not sure if my thoughts make any sense. I am just thinking out loud.

The Ball is Rolling

Today was day 3 of my cycle. As close as day 3 I could get. What does 'normal flow' mean for day 1 anyway? Grumps and I went in for my u/s and blood work to make sure I am not pregnant. HA! I still think that is funny. Ummm, flow is heavy, cramps are bad, Yep that means not pregnant!

I got my call letting me know that I could start taking my 50 whatever of Clomid tonight for the next 5 days. On day 9, that would be Friday, I give myself 150iu (I think that is right, the iu part) of Gonal F injection. I am a little nervous about mixing 2 powders into one shot. I hope I don't screw it up. THEN on Sunday I go for my next u/s to see when I need to trigger.

This morning we paid our lovely HUGE amount of money for our HOPEFULLY successful IUI. When I pulled the credit card out and the price was said verbally, I have seen it on paper many times, Grumps and I pretended that we never heard a thing.

My hope is very small again. I am not letting myself think about ANYTHING. No, this is going to work. OR this is so stupid and a waste of time. I am just letting it be. Going with the ride. Trying to get through this week. Counting down until Jamaica. Wanting a break!

Grumps sister and family are here. Please pray that I don't kill anyone or freak out now that I am on Clomid!

HUGE Hope

There has been a lot of talk about hope around here lately.

After reading The Town Criers post on holding hope I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have talked about it with many friends. Today I was reminded of it again.

I have come to a place where my hope is only slightly there. You know the kind of hope that makes you keep temping or making a wish on a star or birthday candles. The hope you give to others that really is only a kind gesture at times. But not the HUGE hope that is needed to make your world fall apart if it doesn't happen.

I have been moving around in a very surface way. I know that my due date is approaching. I try not to think about it because I know what it will do to me. My IUI is coming up as well around the same time. We are putting out just a little bit of money for this one. Of course Grumps doesn't like that the money goes out even if we get something in return. I don't want to have HUGE hope. I just want to have little hope like a balloon flying in the air. I know that the balloon will not stay blown up forever. I even know that there is a chance it could fly away right from my fingers. That is the kind of hope I have right now.

I have decided to give my HUGE hope to my friends. D is holding it right now. I gave it to her for safe keeping. I am holding hers. Right now she is using my HUGE hope towards this current cycle I am in. My HUGE hope is believing that I am pregnant right now without even having to do my IUI. I can't think that. D is thinking it for me. I laugh every time she brings it up. See I gave her that HUGE hope for a reason. She holds it well.

Who is holding your HUGE hope for safe keeping? Or are you holding someone else's because it is easier than holding your own?