Moving Foward in Faith

Every day my thoughts begin with a rub and a prayer... These babies will LIVE to declare the works of the Lord. Then I take a moment to just breathe. Then as the day goes on thoughts go to the what ifs. It is a very hard balance.

I went 'shopping' this weekend with D. Looking at cribs, bedding, you name it. The last time I had walked into that store was right before we lost our little angel to heaven. What an overwhelming moment and day. I got home exhausted. Nothing was purchased but ideas began. Before I left to shop I asked Grumps if I could buy the cribs if I found them. His reply, "I guess we could return them if something happened." Grumps is feeling it too.

We have had to just move forward in faith. God has this in HIS HANDS! I can't doubt. I can't be moved. We have to hold steady. When we finally talked about it all, Grumps seemed to begin to connect with the reality. He even brought up some name ideas. It felt good.

Tonight I made my first purchase. We don't have cute little names for our twins. We call them baby a and baby b. So lame BUT in our lameness I felt onesies that say just that, Baby A and Baby B. I can't wait to get the little package in the mail.

I am truly over the moon with these little miracles. Yes I am blah at times. Pregnancy is tough. But I KNOW it will be so worth it in the end.

The NEWS

I have GOOD NEWS!!!!

We are having twins with perfect strong heartbeats!  God is beyond amazing today!  Grumps was and still is in complete awe.  

THANK YOU for the encouragement, thoughts and prayers.  Please don't stop!!!

On the Eve

No words but please God don't let it be like our last pregnancy ultra sound. I can't bare to have another moment of complete silence from the doctor looking for life. I can't have the swimming through water, not being able to breathe moment. I can't have the world standing still, Grumps trying to console and me falling apart. I NEED to see life!

I hate how my world is tainted. I hate how it has been touched with death and wait and uncertainty before. Why can't the world be roses?

I live for a pregnancy sign. I live for feeling sick. I smile when I feel puky. I cheer when I can't eat another bite. No complaining. I need those moments.

Tomorrow I HAVE to see life! God you have to hold me tight. It has to be okay.

My Mother's Day Prayer

Every night, as a family, we have devotions. We share what God has shown us that day. We pray, do communion, and give our highlight. Tonight I prayed. I prayed for whomever God brought to my mind. Some are regular requests. Others just come out of the blue. Tonight my heart had a new prayer.

I cried as I prayed for all my 'friends' who are longing for children. I prayed for those who have lost little ones to heaven. I prayed for your void to be filled. Your womb to be healed. Your arms to fill God's love, replacing what you wished was there instead. I prayed for peace on a very hard day. I prayed for courage to find something amazing about the day. Joy where sorrow usually lives. I also prayed for the husbands to remember their wives. To have sensitivity. To remember how their wives are still mothers to little angels.

I wept as I prayed. My heart so heavy for so many. When I finished my family sat in silence. I am not sure if it was because they were at a loss or they were letting God fill the void. I felt His peace over me. For me, mother's day has been very hard. But this year I don't look at my sorrow and long. I look at having another day with my mom. I am taking my eyes off me and placing them on her.

I hope you find comfort this weekend. Know I am praying for all of you!

Not Part of the Club

I couldn't believe my ears on Tuesday. My friend, also pregnant, rushed into the copy room to tell me the news. Another girl at work is pregnant. That would make 8. I asked questions, how far, natural, due date. She rushed off the answers. I was generally happy for the girl. She had been trying for a while. But it still hurt to know I was left behind again and surrounded by 8 bellies!

I took a moment to breathe when the girl strolls into the work room, right up to my friend. The words that came out of her mouth cut like a knife.

I am now part of the club!

My mouth dropped. I tried to smile at her and say "congrats". I am not sure what I actually looked like or said. I am sure the plastered smile on my face looked more like a smile of someone about to vomit.

Then the pictures cropped down before my friend. 8 week pictures. 8 weeks stings for me. I lost my angel to heaven at 8 weeks. My friend was nice, asked questions and moved her along. I stapled papers in silence trying desperately not to cry.

Once the new club member was gone my friend grabbed me and repeated how sorry she was over and over.

I am not part of the club! I can't get those words out of my head. I don't belong with those girls, the 8 girls.

Last night I went to the Casting Crowns concert. The first guy talked about his family and praying for his kids and blessing them. Of course I wasn't part of that club either. As the night went on and was about to end the band members prayed for the crowd. One prayed for the young men. Another prayed for marriages. It got to the young girl and I thought, she is going to pray for the club members. Yep she did, but not the belly/kid kind but the IF/childless kind. She too is struggling and has lost an angel. Tears streamed down my face as I finally didn't feel left out. I knew one of their recent songs had a line about a wife longing for a family. I didn't realize why.

I am better at the end of the week. I am better with my non-membership. I know, my time is coming, according to the rest of the world. I am not sure I like hearing those words. I know they are trying to be helpful but a pat on the arm or a squeeze is enough for me. Maybe I can fake being part of the club and just get fat!

Please Remember Me

There have been many times, even recently, I have felt forgotten by God. I watch many people receive their joy and their answer to prayer and yet I am left with the same pleading prayer. I have walked with God for a very long time. I have seen Him do many amazing miracles. My faith has grown but then it wavers when my miracle doesn't happen.

The other night I read a chapter in a book I have been reading. It was the prayer of Hannah. I have read Hannah's story many times. She longs for a child. Her husband's other wife has been granted this desire. Hannah is left in shame not able to give her husband what she should be able to do. What she was made to do. She prays a prayer. She prays for God to remember her. She is left feeling alone and forgotten. I understand Hannah's heart and prayer.

In this search to be remembered by God, He gave me a verse. I have read my Bible since I was a little girl. I have read through Psalms a million times. When I need encouragement I find my way there. I came upon a verse the other night. I swear it was light up. God had illuminated it just for me. The amazing this is, a couple of nights after I was given this verse, I read it again in a devotional I was reading. God wanted me to know I wasn't forgotten. He has remembered me.

Psalm 35:15 "My time is in Your hands."

God knows just what He is doing with my life. With my desires. With my everything. I just need to rest in it. It is all in His hands. So simple but so needed.

During my early morning walk a song comes on my playlist every day. It has spoken to my heart during this desire to be remembered time. I hope it speaks to you as well.

Hard To Get

Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven

Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth

Who are afraid of being left by those we love

And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape

To find the faith to ask for daily bread

Did You forget about us after You had flown away

Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath

While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin

We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was

Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness

Did You ever know need

Do You remember just how long a night can get?

When You were barely holding on

And Your friends fall asleep

And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted

While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Painful Innocence

Yesterday in church I was singing and worshiping when D began to talk about her morning. She got chocked up and of course I got chocked up too. I had been focused on the song but now I was watching her speak.

My eyes were looked down to the front row. There at the front of the church was the most precious little girl in a white dress and ruby red sparkling shoes. She began to dance and twirl and worship God. She was maybe 5 if that. The look on her face was so intent on praising God. My heart broke. My eyes filled with tears. I want a little girl to mold and teach and have her grow into a godly woman.

I don't know if D had seen her. If she was trying hard not to focus her attention on her. I know I began to cry out to God asking Him to change me from the inside out. Desperately wanting to put my focus back on Him and not on the precious little girl.

It is amazing how something so sweet and pure and innocent can be so painful.

A New Place

Today at church we sang a song which I have sung a million times. Each time I sang the song I would plead for it to be true but deep in my heart I couldn't sing it with truth.

As I sang the song this morning there was freedom. I could sing it truthfully and with all my heart. What a nice place to be. This new place.

Here are the words:

You are all I want
You are all I need
Help me know You are here.

When I would sing, You are all I want it wasn't completely true. I wanted a baby. I still do but I wanted it more than I wanted God. Does that make sense? I felt like a liar every time I would sing that line.

When I would sing, You are all I need I knew it to be true but it hurt to admit it. I wanted to believe I needed a child. I needed a baby to be in my life. I didn't just want God to fill all my needs with only Him.

When I sang the song today I completely meant those words. He is all I want. He is all I need. I am complete in my life. I will survive no matter the outcome. I will be victorious no matter if it is just Grumps and me for the rest of our lives. So the last line is VERY important. I need to know God is here and near and ever present. If I am going to give up my burden for this new place I need to know I am not alone.

I know you are all shaking your heads and snickering. You are thinking, "just wait, you will retract all of this soon." I am sure I will have moments of sorrow and longing. I am sure I will come to that awful place of being so desperate for a child. But right now I know I can and will be okay no matter the ending.

I haven't given up hope. I have just given up the burden.

Words of Comfort

On the day of what would have been my due date, a friend sent me a verse to encourage me. She had read it in The Message, a plain today's language version. It touched my heart. I wrote it out on a stickie and stuck it on my laptop.

I read it this morning and was reminded of God's grace and comfort. Today is a new day. I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward.

Matthew 5:3 and 4

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

The Message

Held

I need to be held tonight. I need to be held tight. I feel like I am unraveling. It just all hit me. Well maybe not. It has been slowly coming. The heaviness that sits on your chest. The feeling that you can't breathe.

I just need a moment for me. I need to go through my short little pile of memories from this summer. I need to look at the 'baby' picture and touch 'her' things. I need to just be.

I don't want to get here again. I don't want to sink low and not be able to get back out of the pits of despair. I have been so good. I have stayed high. PLEASE don't let me fall!

I hope this feeling lightens soon. I don't think I can hold on like this treading water and putting on my mask until April. I hope it is just a 'tonight' thing. The long days, the to do's and dates, the wine, the stress, the pms, Grumps.

I just need to be held tight tonight. Not by any flesh arms but supernatural arms. God's arms. I need to be held tight!

Hold me Jesus
by Rich Mullins

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Thoughts in My Head

I have been having all these thoughts in my head lately. Thoughts that have me so confused.

Right before 2007 began I prayed that God would either take away my desire for children and give me peace or give me a child. Since that prayer I have had amazing peace. I still have moments of sadness but not very often. I think about my situation daily but not every minute.

I love my life that Grumps and I have. We have been married for almost 9 years. We have been trying for our child for 4 years this month. My crazy thoughts have been should we continue to try so hard or just let it rest. Is this God letting me know that this is our life, the way it should be? I know I can hear all of you saying that we need to keep trying. You all know that we are to have a child. But I am just not sure any more.

I know that Grumps would be fine without having children. I also know that he would love it too. I know that if I told him my feelings he would tell me that I would kick myself in the long run if we didn't try harder.

Last weekend we were being silly and dancing in the kitchen. I asked Grumps if he would still love me if we never had children. Of course he said that he would. I just needed to ask him.

I wish I could see a little bit of our future to know just what to do.

Hannah's Hope

I have recently decided to start a small/support group for those women dealing with infertility and miscarriages. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to. I have prayed about it for a very long time. The thought and desire never left. I asked others what they thought and they all felt like it would be perfect. The need is great in our church.

I went to leadership training.

I came up with a name. It isn't the first group by this name but it felt right. Hannah's Hope. Hannah prayed to God for a child for many years. She told God that when He gave her a child she would give her child back to Him. God granted her desire and in turn she gave her son, Samuel, to Eli to serve God. Therefore we are all like Hannah, hoping for our miracle.

Information was placed on the church website.

Today it was featured on the front of the church bulletin.

Now I wait. I wait for women to contact me. I plan to also advertise at a few places including my doctor's office.

I am in a good place and have a wonderful support system but I know of many women who do not. I also know what it is like to be on this sad journey alone. Being alone isn't a place to be when dealing with infertility or miscarriages.

Grace

By Michael W. Smith

I was lost when ya found me here
You pulled me close and held me near
And I'm a fool but still you love
I'll be your fool for the king of love

He gave me wings so I could fly
And gave me a song to color the sky
And all I have is all from you
And all I want is all of you

It's grace, grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me

And there've been days when I've walked away
Too much to carry
Nothing left to say
Forgive me Lord when I'm weak and lost
You traded heaven for a wooden cross

And all these years you've carried me
You've been my eyes when I could not see
And beauty grows in the driving rain
Your ode of gladness in the times of pain

It's grace, your grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Your grace, your grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me oh yeah
Shines on me
Shines on me
I'm everything with you
Shines on me
Shines on me
It's your grace
Shines on me
Your grace
Oh
Your grace it shines on me
Your grace
Your grace
Shines on me
Shines on me
Your grace it shines on me
Your grace

I thank God for His continued Amazing Grace!

Philippains 4:8

I got a new Bible for Christmas. It feels so good in my hands. I actually couldn't wait to open it and read.

I haven't been very faithful reading my Bible. I have really grown in my prayer life but have left off the devotion part. I decided that I needed a change. I picked up my Battlefield of the Mind Devotional by Joyce Meyer and opened Job and began to read.

In my last post I talked about either getting a baby this year or finding peace in my life. Guess what? When began my first devotional this is the scripture I read:

"Whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things (fix your minds on them).

Do you ever think about what you are thinking about? If you are not careful, your thought life can lead you into problems. It is important to think before you act, and if you concentrate on things that are true, worthy of reverence and honorable, just, pure, lovely, kind and gracious, virtuous, and excellence, your actions will reflect God's character and heart.

I have heard that scripture a million times. In fact I had read it a few months ago and was convicted by it but never put it into practice. Since reading this verse and devotion I have changed. I used to think about not being pregnant a million times a day. It would cause great sadness. I would quickly spiral into a blue day. But now I push those thoughts away. I think all the other great things in my life. I don't let my mind stay on the sad thoughts. WOW, what a great difference my days have been.

I feel as if I have been set free. I am in a good place. No matter what happens in my life I will survive and have a rich life.

*As I told D, I am in the 2 week wait. We shall see how I am if Aunt Flow comes. I hope I can hold steady and stay strong!

Here

I am here. I am around. I am reading and commenting sometimes.

Grumps and I are going away for a long weekend. I need to get away. I need to be renewed. We need time together having fun and not thinking about what is missing.

I have so many thoughts rushing around in my head. Thoughts that can be typed out. Thoughts that shouldn't be typed out. Thoughts that won't be typed out.

I am holding it together but only by the grace of God. I have to use all my power and more of God's to not think about what breaks my heart. I fight off tears more times than I can count. I really would like to just fast forward the holiday season.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am trying very hard to get into the thankful mindset that I usually am in on this day. We just had such a different idea of what today would be like last Thanksgiving. It is amazing how we think about next year and our plans for it and they don't come true.

Last year I was still on Lupron. I was thankful that next year I would have a fresh start and be pregnant. When I got pregnant this summer I was so excited to think about going around in our small group circle telling what we are thankful for. I had imagined putting my hand on my belly and saying how I was thankful for the miracle of life. When we began talking about our small group Thanksgiving dinner this year I told D that I just couldn't do the whole thankful thing. I would lose it. I love her for skipping it for me.

Thanksgiving means that Christmas is just right around the corner. We all know what I think about that holiday this year. I am sure I will have many posts about my dread for it.

BUT I am very thankful for many things.

• My God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knows what loss is all about. He has given me more than I deserve. He gives me His strength daily just so I can walk out my door. I cannot imagine a life without Him.
• My amazing husband, Grumps. God gave him to me so perfectly. I am not an easy person to live with yet he loves me more and more each day. He has silently carried me through the dark times. His actions speak far louder than words. I would be lost without him.
  
• My family even though they totally don't get where I am right now or even where I have been. But they pray. They pray for my miracle and my life to be full. They call to check on me and say the dumbest things BUT they call.
• My wonderful friends who have truly been my family. They forgive me for the stupid things I say and do. They surround me with incredible love and support. They give me space when I need it yet know when to hold me steady. They have listening ears and encouraging words. I would live under my covers if it weren't for them.
• My sweet dog Itsy who loves me unconditionally and tries her hardest to comfort me when my life becomes too much. She ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
  
• My freedom. I remind my little students often of how blessed they are to be free to learn, think, worship, live a life in a country of freedom. Grumps and I have talked about how blessed we are to have been born in a life and land of freedom.
  
• My life which is truly full. I have a job that I can say I enjoy even though it drives me nuts. I have a home that is more than enough for us. It is full with more than we need.
  

I hope we call can find things we are thankful for. I pray that my heart will be surrounded by thankfulness even when disappointment sets in.

I am so thankful for your support and listening ear as well. Your words of encouragement push me forward!g

You Are a Champion!

This was my email devotion that I got yesterday. I just now read it. God must have wrote it Himself.

Today's Scripture

"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, 'With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)

Conquerors don't give up when they lose ground. They march forward with confidence knowing that they will claim victory. It should be the same with us in our daily lives. The Bible says you don't have to worry – you are an overcomer in Christ! The Holy Spirit lives in you and is fighting your spiritual battles for you. As soon as you kneel to pray, the tide of the battle can turn! That's why the Scriptures say over and over again that you can overcome anything. You are more than conquerors in Jesus Christ! You can claim victory through Him today!

A Prayer for Today

God, thank You for Your Holy Spirit, who is fighting my battles for me. Give me the faith to hold on to Your promises and claim victory in Your Name. Instead of worrying, I will be calm and victorious in You! In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Keep Singing

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

Mercy Me

Today

I haven't been hiding. I haven't been blue. I have been way too busy trying to keep my mind off the two week wait.

Yes, the time is here to scream at my mind to SHUT UP!!!! I will spare you with all the details of what I have been thinking. Same ole same ole.

Today I HAD to have Five Guys for supper. I had to have a hot dog and fries. I ate ALL of it, well not quite all of the fries but if you know Five Guys you know that eating all the fries will kill you. It felt good to eat that dinner. It felt good not to think about the pounds or the gut or my pants not fitting. It just felt good to eat. I have no idea where this is going. HA!

Grumps is out of town for the week. I am booked every day. I guess it is my way of not thinking about my test day. Not thinking about AF. Not thinking about failing. Just NOT THINKING!!!

It has felt so good not to be blue. It has felt wonderful to push the blue thoughts fast away. I don't want to get blue again. But I feel it creeping up on me with every passing day and every day getting closer to Aunt Flow.

BUT TODAY life is good and sunny and full of hope and faith and God's grace!!!

A New Year

Happy Birthday to me today! I was dreading today but God has given me hope for this year.

I have wanted to blog about my time with God this week but have been too busy to do much. I will have to find some time soon to share with you what He has been speaking to me. TRUST is the major word in it all, right along with GOD!!!

I also thought I would share with you my BIG birthday surprise. Thursday Grumps had the day off and wanted to come meet my kids. During the day D and I were planning a time to party that night. Grumps was TOTALLY ugly about it all. I just didn't get why he was being so mean.

I was waiting for Grumps to arrive in my classroom. I kept watching out my window. I finally see him with flowers and a woman. I thought that she looked a little like my mom but knew that couldn't be. There's a knock at my door and when I opened it there stood my MOM! She had flown up here for my birthday. I was totally shocked and surprised. What a wonderful birthday surprise!

So here's to getting older and a new year!!!!