My Mother's Day Prayer

Every night, as a family, we have devotions. We share what God has shown us that day. We pray, do communion, and give our highlight. Tonight I prayed. I prayed for whomever God brought to my mind. Some are regular requests. Others just come out of the blue. Tonight my heart had a new prayer.

I cried as I prayed for all my 'friends' who are longing for children. I prayed for those who have lost little ones to heaven. I prayed for your void to be filled. Your womb to be healed. Your arms to fill God's love, replacing what you wished was there instead. I prayed for peace on a very hard day. I prayed for courage to find something amazing about the day. Joy where sorrow usually lives. I also prayed for the husbands to remember their wives. To have sensitivity. To remember how their wives are still mothers to little angels.

I wept as I prayed. My heart so heavy for so many. When I finished my family sat in silence. I am not sure if it was because they were at a loss or they were letting God fill the void. I felt His peace over me. For me, mother's day has been very hard. But this year I don't look at my sorrow and long. I look at having another day with my mom. I am taking my eyes off me and placing them on her.

I hope you find comfort this weekend. Know I am praying for all of you!

The 2007 Burning

This year we received many Christmas cards. Many newsletters were included with them. Many were the cute family picture/kids looking at a holiday book kind. We have done those. We even did one of our dog one year. We have included newsletters. In fact our last one I explained to the world why we didn't have children. Since our miscarriage we stopped the little tradition.

Now when I get one of those cards/letters/pictures all I can think about is "We would have sent one out as a family with a little one this year." So they sting. The remind me of what we don't have. I am not offended by them. I know they aren't sent out to hurt us. It just happens. Every time Grumps would come back from the mailbox he would say in a very blah voice, "We have another Christmas card." I would open them, go through it, then set it in the pile for burning.

Yep you got it. I had planned to burn all Christmas cards while enjoying a nice bottle of wine. Grumps thought it wasn't very nice. I thought it was therapeutic and very funny. I had even invited my DC blogger chicks to join if they wanted to. But since the holidays were polite to me and treated me pretty kindly I don't feel the need for the burning anymore. My thoughts could change in the next week or two but I am pretty sure that little pile of cards/newsletters/pictures will just go in a drawer or the trash. I used to put all the pictures on my fridge. I can't do that anymore. It isn't because I don't love my friends with families, it is just an ugly reminder that I don't have a little one adding artwork to my fridge. I hope my amazing friends understand.

So no 2007 Burning this year. Man, it would have been fun!

I Made It!!!

I made it through the holidays! The family packed up and left at 5am. I am finally home alone for the first time in a week. I LOVE BEING ALONE!

I have plans with a friend today. Drinks will be involved. 5 more days of break left. I plan to just truly relax and enjoy. I made some phone calls that needed to be made weeks ago. I HATE PHONES! My to do list is very short!

2008 HERE I COME!!!

I have a bunch of posts mulling around in my head. More to come soon!

Tis the Season

The Holidays are here again. I feel like they snuck up on me. I know, it sounds crazy. Christmas begins to show its face around October but I really don't pay it much attention. After the cruise it hit me how close it is.

Last year I skipped it. At least I tried too. For my family I put on a mask but if you looked close you could see how fake it was. I couldn't bare to celebrate a holiday where so much hadn't come true for me. This year will be different.

I am in a different place. I plan to have a tree. We are going to buy it tomorrow. I plan to listen to the music when it comes on the radio. I HAVE said, "Happy Holidays!" Last year I should have said, "Bahumbug!" This year will be different but it still won't be what I want it to be.

I am working hard to keep my head up and my thoughts positive. There have been times I feel the blues sneaking in. I lose my breath when a Christmas song comes on. I want to sing along but it still hurts. Even as I speak I am doing some baking for the DC Bloggers cookie exchange. I was torn. Do I play Christmas music, The Carpenters to be exact, as I bake? The thought FREAKED me out so My Top Rated playlist is blaring.

I got the first Christmas card today. It was from people who are really in our lives any more. Of course it was a family picture full of smiles. Last year I would have cried. This year I laughed. I mocked the picture. I made fun of the kids smiles. I even left it out for Grumps to make fun of too. I might do this with every card that enters my house. There will be no cards mailed out from mine. That is something I just can't do.

I am making baby steps. I will make it through this season with a heart full of blessings. I am sure there will be some tears too.

HAPPY DECEMBER to all!

Oh guess what? No IUI for me this month. Yes at least my new insurance kicks in today. BUT my RE wants a consult before we move forward. Just call me MRS. WAIT!

HOME!!!

I know, you have all waited with baited (not sure if that is the right spelling) breath to hear from me. YES I am home. We got home Sunday night! What a great time we had!

I know, I am shocked too. 7 days with the family and we are still all alive. Of course nothing was mentioned about me and Grumps and IF. The big talk was of my nephew and my brother and his wife and her unborn child. My dad was awestruck about it all. Grumps and I just cringed. So sad I can't enjoy someone else's life.

I only had one true moment. I described this moment to Grumps as unraveling. He didn't understand it with that one word. I was just super overwhelmed. I felt left out and alone. It was our last formal night and the dress I planned to wear, I had let my SIL wear at the beginning of the week. I had no idea my nephew had smeared food all over it. I was DONE! Of course Grumps was the only one who understood my mood change and tears flowing down my face. It had nothing to do with the dress but all to do with me and us and no child. The night ended with me drunk at a piano bar crying. :)

I have to say, I would much rather be childless on a cruise than have a 14 month old crying all the time.

Now onto sad news.

Setting Sail

Just in case our boat sinks and you never hear from me again, Grumps and I are leaving tonight for a cruise to Belize and other beautiful islands. The ship sets sail on Sunday. If you hear of our cruise in the news you know what happened to me.

I know you are thinking, "WOW a romantic getaway." Nope it is with the family. If you have been a follower you know about my family and all that jazz. I know we will have a good time but lots of prayer has gone forth to make it a good time. Grumps told me to go get sun if they drive me nuts.
So Happy Thanksgiving early to all of you!

Being Alone

With Mother's Day here all I can think about is my little one who should be in my arms. D's little ones who should be in her arms. All the little babies that have been dreamed about, longed for, and even felt but lost to a better place.

Grumps and I went flower shopping today. He is the one who plants all the flowers in the flower beds. I just refill his glass with his beverage of choice. I don't like getting dirty. I didn't really want to go out today. I knew what I would see. But he wanted me there to help make decisions even though he is always the final voice of wisdom. He really wanted me there to guard his cart. Last year he went alone and his flowers were stolen.

I knew that I would see fathers with their little ones picking out potted flowers and what nots for their mothers. I knew that I would see mothers picking out what would go in the flower beds this year. I knew I would see signs for Mother's Day lunch all around. But I went anyway. It was bittersweet. With the windows down and the music playing I let the wind touch my skin and remind me that I have a good thing. An amazing husband. Tears still welled up in my eyes thinking about this year.

I should have been holding my little one in my arms while we went shopping. We would have giggled. Grumps would have talked to 'her' about why we should get this flower over that one. We would have set outside together watching Grumps plant them instead of just me and the dog.

On the way home a song came on my iPod that I hadn't really listened to before. The words hit home. I am sure the song has nothing to do with infertility. It just spoke to me today. I love my life. I have an amazing life. I just don't want to be alone one day. I want my child to help take care of me. Selfish but true. I don't want to ever be alone.

The last line rings so true these days. "I am not afraid of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work."

A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

Touchy

The word touchy was used in an email to me today. To me that word means they got their feelings hurt or were offended. I know that she didn't mean to use this word but she did and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

I emailed an email to all of my contacts. I thought I could sending out the email could help see who was dead or alive in the email world. In the midst of getting undelivered email messages I get an email from a 'friend'. I use that word loosely since I really don't know her.

She asks about us, the dog, work ....

I emailed back and said the usual, life is normal, dog is cute, work is good... How are you?

She replies dogs are good, life is normal, are you guys still trying to have kids?

Okay that is where things get difficult sometimes. I can just say Yes we are or I can say that we were and lost our baby to heaven blah blah blah I go with the latter.

She emails back saying, I am so sorry I brought up to such a touchy subject. Sorry!

Ummm it really isn't touchy. If I didn't want to share I wouldn't. I responded with, this is our life. We talk about it all the time. I even blog about it.
THEN she emails back again. By now I am thinking, just stop emailing me!!!

She says, Okay I know for next time.

That was that. I know for next time. What next time? What does she know? I wanted to scream, you are a loser. Truly a loser. Grow up and deal with bad things. She didn't even say, I am so sorry you had to go through this blah blah stuff. Nope just touchy crap.

Can you tell that Aunt Flow showed up for the holidays? Nice! I think I will find a way to use the word touchy every day this week!

Christmas Newsletters

We used to love sending out newsletters when we lived in the armpit of South America. Grumps would work long and hard and everyone would beg for more.

When we moved back to a normal life the letters slowly stopped. People would ask for them but we really didn't have anything to say but I always looked forward to getting letters and keeping up with people.

Last year I wrote our letter for the first time. Grumps takes weeks; I took 5 minutes. I just laid it all out there. I was tired of family and friends wondering why we put a picture of our dog on our card and not children. I said, "I found out that I have endometriosis. We have been trying to have children for a few years and are waiting for our little miracle. Blah blah blah." Grumps was happy that it was out there. It was never really brought up again.

This year we had plans to send a picture of us and my big belly to announce that we were having our miracle. OOPS to that thought! Now we are doing nothing.

Yesterday as you may have read we got my in law's Christmas letter. As I was reading I was SHOCKED to say the least at my little blurb.

"Grumps and Sunny blessed us with a visit this summer and we all spent a few days on Vancouver Island together, hiking and enjoying the beaches. We celebrated their news that Sunny was early in a pregnancy, but were saddened a few weeks later when the tiny life didn't survive. We continue to pray with them for a family."

She went on to talk about our jobs and her issues and whatever. I know that her intentions were for me to know that my baby was missed BUT I think that is a little private. I think it deserves to be asked if it could be written about. She asked if she could write something about Grumps' job. I am not one to get upset and speak my mind or be hurt. BUT I am just a little beside myself.

As for all the other letters, sorry to say that they were skimmed. I did keep all the address hoping that next year we have something to write about.

side note, driving home today I wished that everyone would lose power but me. I am tired of the lights and holly jolly crap!!!

A Charlie Brown Christmas

You all know that I am not decorating this year. In fact I am fast forwarding Christmas as fast as my little remote will go. BUT my dearest friend D thought that I needed a little bit of Christmas. That this Christmas deserved a Charlie Brown Christmas.

When she gave me my little box with my tree in it I cried. It couldn't be a better tree for the way I feel this year.

Oh on a side note, how would you feel if your MIL wrote about your miscarriage in her Christmas newsletter? Yeah that is what I thought.

I Love My Grumps

This weekend isn't my favorite weekend. Neither is this month these days. Nothing new there. I needed something to help make me feel better. I tried the hot dog from Five Guys along with the fries. It just made me feel sick. I tried the wine which only gave me a headache. I decided I needed something sweet.

Grumps called on his way home from work. I told him that I wanted some ice cream. He didn't even hesitate. He said, "What kind?" What, Grumps offered to stop and get my ice cream? If you know Grumps you know that he NEVER does things like that.

My ice cream of choice tonight....

New York Super Fudge Chunk of course!

Not only did he pick it up, he brought me a bowl in bed. I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!! I love him even more for going downstairs to watch hockey and give me my space.

Frustrated Once Again! But here...

New York was WONDERFUL! It was really good to reconnect. I just knew we would make a little Apple baby. Well... my temp took a dive and screwed it all up.

I was hoping to either get a bfp or a bfn at least a couple of weeks before Christmas. It now looks like I will be getting my news around Christmas. Nice when I have to be at my families with my big fake smile on. It just wears me out thinking about it. I am trying my best to push past and not obsess.

At the beginning of the week I got news that someone from church miscarried on Monday. D was an amazing friend and went with her to the doctor and held her hand. It shook me to the core. I remember all the feelings once again.

I am just pushing through working hard to not think let my mind screw me up.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and words of encouragement. You have are my steady hand!

The Big Reason

Every year I am the one who is begging Grumps to take me out to buy our tree. I can't wait for the holidays. I can't wait for the music, tree, lights, smells, and memories. This is year is so different. I do not want a tree. I do not want the music.

Christmas this year was suppose to be different. My mom bought me the perfect ornament this summer. Parents to Be. I couldn't wait to put it on my tree. But things changed. The ornament is in my hope chest with all the other memories.

That ornament haunts me on a daily basis. I cannot stop thinking about it. It pops into my thoughts many times during my day. When it pops into my mind many emotions take over. I want that ornament to be true. I just can't bare having a tree without that ornament this year.

I kept the real reason for skipping the tree and decorations from Grumps as long as I could. When I finally told him about the ornament he was speechless and I was fighting back the tears. Grumps understands but he continues to remind me that when I am ready we will go buy the tree. I told him that I will not be ready this year. So instead of a tree he bought me a poinsettia. He made me love him even more. This is our only bit of Christmas that will be in our house this year.

Here

I am here. I am around. I am reading and commenting sometimes.

Grumps and I are going away for a long weekend. I need to get away. I need to be renewed. We need time together having fun and not thinking about what is missing.

I have so many thoughts rushing around in my head. Thoughts that can be typed out. Thoughts that shouldn't be typed out. Thoughts that won't be typed out.

I am holding it together but only by the grace of God. I have to use all my power and more of God's to not think about what breaks my heart. I fight off tears more times than I can count. I really would like to just fast forward the holiday season.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am trying very hard to get into the thankful mindset that I usually am in on this day. We just had such a different idea of what today would be like last Thanksgiving. It is amazing how we think about next year and our plans for it and they don't come true.

Last year I was still on Lupron. I was thankful that next year I would have a fresh start and be pregnant. When I got pregnant this summer I was so excited to think about going around in our small group circle telling what we are thankful for. I had imagined putting my hand on my belly and saying how I was thankful for the miracle of life. When we began talking about our small group Thanksgiving dinner this year I told D that I just couldn't do the whole thankful thing. I would lose it. I love her for skipping it for me.

Thanksgiving means that Christmas is just right around the corner. We all know what I think about that holiday this year. I am sure I will have many posts about my dread for it.

BUT I am very thankful for many things.

• My God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knows what loss is all about. He has given me more than I deserve. He gives me His strength daily just so I can walk out my door. I cannot imagine a life without Him.
• My amazing husband, Grumps. God gave him to me so perfectly. I am not an easy person to live with yet he loves me more and more each day. He has silently carried me through the dark times. His actions speak far louder than words. I would be lost without him.
  
• My family even though they totally don't get where I am right now or even where I have been. But they pray. They pray for my miracle and my life to be full. They call to check on me and say the dumbest things BUT they call.
• My wonderful friends who have truly been my family. They forgive me for the stupid things I say and do. They surround me with incredible love and support. They give me space when I need it yet know when to hold me steady. They have listening ears and encouraging words. I would live under my covers if it weren't for them.
• My sweet dog Itsy who loves me unconditionally and tries her hardest to comfort me when my life becomes too much. She ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
  
• My freedom. I remind my little students often of how blessed they are to be free to learn, think, worship, live a life in a country of freedom. Grumps and I have talked about how blessed we are to have been born in a life and land of freedom.
  
• My life which is truly full. I have a job that I can say I enjoy even though it drives me nuts. I have a home that is more than enough for us. It is full with more than we need.
  

I hope we call can find things we are thankful for. I pray that my heart will be surrounded by thankfulness even when disappointment sets in.

I am so thankful for your support and listening ear as well. Your words of encouragement push me forward!g

Each Cycle

Will I be sad?

That is the question Grumps asked me today. YES I cried. I will be sad each time until I get my miracle and keep it. How can I not be sad?

Grumps has no clue and I told him that. He doesn't feel the cramps, the change, the tenderness that makes me continue to wonder. He doesn't check his temperature each morning. He doesn't watch the cervical mucus change. He just baby dances.

I know it is hard on him BUT if I want to be sad each month I have the right to be. I told him that he needed to take care of me each time I get sad. I shouldn't feel guilty when I have a sad day.

With my friend and her heartache and all the pregnant woman surrounding me I feel like I am drowning. I know I will stay a float. I always do. I know I will try again each month. I know that I will keep trying. BUT it hurts every time. It hurts more and more and more.

The endo grows back more and more each month. People continue to lap me each month. I feel more alone each month.

I was hoping to give a present at Christmas to my family. I was hoping to be 3 months pregnant. I was hoping to share the news. I was hoping to be able to hold my new nephew without crying. Yes, I have 2 more months until Christmas but the doubt has set in.

By the way, my temperature dropped and I started spotting.

Mother's Day

Just another day.

I don't celebrate this day. I don't go to church. I don't think about it. I just go about my business.

K, my neighbor, was so sweet and took me to a movie and lunch. It was a great way to get me out of my house.

Her and her husband had one of those weeks that most married couples enough. A CRAP WEEK! When she got home, her husband was a dork. Nothing new for me, but new for her. So she came over, had a moment, enjoyed some drinks, and sang her heart out with karaoke.

It is the best therapy ever! Drink and Sing!!!

Hallmark

Every year Hallmark puts out their Christmas movie. Every year my mom reminds me to watch. Every year I cry like a baby. Never during the movie, only during the commercials.

I don't just cry, I bawl. I get that ugly face and sound and then the dam breaks loose and I am a mess.

This year it was a new commercial. The little boy has to do a presentation before his class. He is probably in 3rd grade. He is to tell about his life. He uses Hallmark ornaments to give details about him. He ends with a star and quickly starts to pack up. The teacher asks him why they star. He says that his mom says that he is the star of her life.

BOOOHOOOOOO!!!! I just cried. I WANT THAT FOR ME!

Of course the commercial about the teacher retiring and the former student who is now an adult coming to give him a card of thanks came on next and made it even worse.

The holiday season is just so hard with all the family and kid commericals. One just finished about how the father loves to watch his daughter while she is sleeping. He says that if you are a parent you will understand why. What about us who aren't?

Does Hallmark get you? To be honest, it doesn't even have to be really touching. I get choked up pretty easily watching tv.

The Wicked Witch of Infertility

That is me, the Wicked Witch of Infertility. I have been AWFUL to Grumps and I guess the rest of the world. I freaked out last night on him for really no reason. I mean I can always come up with a really good reason but if I had just stuck to my word it would have all been okay. But I decided to freak out about dinner and act all wacked! Grumps just fed fuel to the fire with his remarks and lack of compassion.

Seriously what is up with me? I have even thought about skipping Christmas. Not actually skipping the day but the whole traditions bit. No tree, decorations, music and all. I have turned a slight corner with actually buying a tree. The smell is motivating me to move out of my funk a bit. But it just isn't the same.

I went to put my jeans on tonight, the jeans that just fit last week. They were WAY too tight. I have been so good with my eating too this week. At least Grumps redeemed himself with, "It must be your meds." He also told me that all of this is almost over. FINALLY something sweet came out of his mouth.

I am ready for sweet Glenda, the nice witch to come back to my house. This freak show that I create has to come to an end soon!