Traveling

My traveling begins today!

I am looking forward to a busy summer. I won't have time to think about my body, cycle, or baby making timing. I have been very frustrated with my chart and everything that goes with that these days. Nothing is working the way it is suppose to work. There are days when I think that the time is here to get our groove on. But the next morning with my thermometer in my mouth proves me WRONG!

If you don't hear from me for a little while, just know that I am working hard to be normal!

The Advice Just Keeps On Coming

Now that I am fully trying again, the advice has started to pour in like the pre-Lupron days.

You would think that people would think before they speak. You would also think that they were smarter than they really are.

I had endometriosis. I was on an awful drug. I am trying to get my hormones leveled. I think I know what I am doing by now. BUT people still try to help with stupid words.

*Relax and it will happen.

*You know that stress will really mess up your body.

*Enjoy the ride and forget about the planning and work.

*Have sex and don't plan it.

*It will happen when it happens.

*Start working towards adopting.

*Then your mind will be off trying to get pregnant and onto adopting.

*A study was done on people who began adopting and got pregnant during the process.

SHUT UP!!!! I know that they are only trying to help. They want to feel like they are involved. They really want me to have a child. They continued to tell me that over and over again.

*You will be a wonderful mother.

*You need to be a mom some way some how.

So I know that they mean well but you would think that all the advice would stop now.

As I hugged everyone goodbye for the summer everyone told me that they hoped I had good news and a belly when school starts back. Now those are sweet words.

OH MY GOSH!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK LIKE TEN YEARS FROM NOW?
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Name?
AGE?
HIEGHT?
HOW MANY FRIENDS?
WHAT ACTIVITIES DO YOU DO?
YOUR APPEARENCE WILL ATTRACT	HOT GUYS
YOU WILL BE?	A LONLY TEACHER
YOU WILL HAVE?	NO KIDS
YOU WILL MARRY?	THE WHORE NEXT DOOR
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A Good Place

I am so in a good place. (D I took that from you! I am glad you are in a good place too!)

Last month I wasn't in a very good place. I felt so like I was falling apart. I felt like I was holding onto life by my finger nails. Since progesterone and time I feel like the old me is back.

Being in a good place is nice. My thoughts aren't consumed with maybes and wonders and woes. I can be around others with bellies and babies and not feel so... I am enjoying where I am. Of course I would love there to be more but right now I am good.

My summer vacation begins next week. It is packed full of trips and visits. It overwhelms but yet makes me excited. I won't have time to sit and wonder and freak myself out. Staying busy is the key.

Now if only my body would get the picture and realize that I am in a good place.

The Lapping

The lapping just has to stop. Seriously, it needs to stop.

Lapping: verb, a word meaning when a friend or acquaintance is expecting another child while you are still waiting for your first.

It amazes me how the news never changes how I feel. I smile. I reply to the email or conversation, or whatever with a nice fake, Congrats! I am so excited for you!

LIE

LIE

LIE!!!!

I really am not truly excited for them. I mean I am but I am not. Very mixed feelings. I get that "THIS IS NOT FAIR" message ringing in my ears. It really just blows my little mind.

One day, my baby will come. Until then, I will enjoy my wine!

She Has Arrived!

My lovely lady friend has arrived. She brought her friend Cramp with her too. When she first decided to show it was like I had gotten a bfp. I was smiling from ear to ear. I had to tell at least 4 people that she had arrived at that very moment.

Cramp decided to dig in hard.

It just feels good to have a clean slate. It would be wonderful if my ovaries got the message and started doing their job.

If you would like to celebrate with me, bust open a bottle of red wine and say a cheer to Aunt Flow and her friends!

Here She Comes!

I feel the knocking. I hear that she is coming. AF should be making her arrival VERY soon.

I went to the good ole doctor. I fell in love with this man who is usually is grumpy. He validated me TOTALLY. He let me know that I should be feeling bad. I should feel depressed. My body went through a major change over night.

The sweet doctor, that will be his name from now on, put me on progesterone. I had heard that it can drive your body and moods crazy. There is no way it can do any damage compared to Lupron.

I have to say that I am in love with this medicine. I feel like myself again. My moods are stable. My attitude is up. The hot flashes are gone. I am sleeping at night and feeling rested. I have normal cramps back. I feel AF making her presence known.

I am about to have a PERIOD!!!

Mother's Day

Just another day.

I don't celebrate this day. I don't go to church. I don't think about it. I just go about my business.

K, my neighbor, was so sweet and took me to a movie and lunch. It was a great way to get me out of my house.

Her and her husband had one of those weeks that most married couples enough. A CRAP WEEK! When she got home, her husband was a dork. Nothing new for me, but new for her. So she came over, had a moment, enjoyed some drinks, and sang her heart out with karaoke.

It is the best therapy ever! Drink and Sing!!!

Left and Right

Everywhere I turn or read or watch, there is someone who has lost a baby.

Close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, message board friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say. My heart just hurts. I have NO clue what it feels like. I don't ever want to know what it feels like.

On the flip side, there are pregnant women all around me.

Family, close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say here either but, "I am so excited for you!" My heart hurts for me. I have NO clue what it feels like. I would give it all to just experience that filling.

Life hurts and some days it SUCKS!

Rollercoaster

That would me, a constant rollercoaster. I am UP UP UP UP and then down down down down.

Poor Grumps. He doesn't know what to do.

Party of Five

Man, even in Party of Five, infertility was an issue.

Amazing how you miss things when you aren't in the moment.

Amazing how when you are there, in that situation, it is like a huge ringing bell. It is just shouting INFERTILITY~!!!

It is also amazing how there is such a bond with anyone who is in the same place as you.

I Want to Be Naughty!

What About Brian

Any of you watching What About Brian?

There is a character on the show on the show who is going through infertility. She just started hormone treatments to stimulate her ovaries.

The doctor told her of all the side effects. The way he listed them was pretty funny. "Of course there are major side effects. Hot flashes, mood swings...." He rolls his eyes and gives this awful look.

The woman has to give herself shots and is keeping all of this from her husband. Yes, a bad thing because it will eventually come out that she is a freak.

After a couple of injections, she goes to get into her car and it won't stop telling her that one of the doors is a jar. She freaks. She slams all the doors. She screams. She has a fit.

OH I CAN FEEL HER PAIN!!! We are all freaks! TOTALLY WACK JOBS!!!!

If you need a great laugh. If you need to feel connected. WATCH What about Brian!

Bring Back that Loving Feeling

It's gone gone gone, whoohooohoooo.....

I guess it is more of that normal feeling. Yes, we have talked about this before but it seems that I am just having issues. I just don't feel like me anymore. I am working hard to bring it back.

I am taking a mental health day from work.

I actually semi cooked dinner last night.

I did a little reading.

I have been listening to uplifting music.

I made a doctor's appointment.

My question is, how do you make yourself feel like yourself? HA! Seriously. I haven't a clue. I have been working hard not to let my mind slip to those dreaded thoughts of emptiness. I have tried to just keep my mind busy. I have done a lot of praying. Not just for me but for others. It just doesn't seem to be working the way that I want it too. Grumps is helpless. He just stands by and stares at me. He tries to just keep life moving.

It's funny the things you do to make yourself feel better. Yesterday I really wanted to make a dump cake. (They always help you when you are in the dumps.) But I knew that it would only make my butt jiggle more. So I cooked dinner and decided to make homemade rolls. The smell is so comforting. I also picked the dead flowers off my plant. HA! Sounds crazy but it was like therapy for me. Get read of the dead so the new can grow. Kind of like me. Get rid of the yuck so I can be me again.

What I did learn is that it takes time. I have a Gardenia plant that is slowly blooming. I mean, VERY SLOW. I have two flowers right now with many more buds that just aren't doing much. Last year my plant bloomed almost all at once. This year it just taking it's precious time. That is my life this year. It is just taking it's precious time.

BUT I am ready for that normal feeling to show up any day now!

No More

After lots of thinking and talking with friends, I have decided to disable my comment option. This blog is a sounding board for me. It is sort of a place of therapy for me. I can share my heart and thoughts and live it here, hoping to help others.

I feel that having my comment option on, gives way for a place for pity. I know that isn't what is intended but...

I still want to hear from you. I want to know that you are here. I just feel that for the time being, I need to make it just about me and my thoughts.

BUT I did create an email account just for this blog gracehopeandfaith@gmail.com. Please comment here, share your heart, or ask questions.

I hope you all understand and I don't lose my readers. I just need to do this for the time being.

My Favorite Toy

Yes, I said toy. I know, really bad. BUT it makes doing the deed the best EVER!

I discovered this little pleasure while buying different things on drugstore.com. I needed to spend a little more money for free shipping. I saw this little toy and couldn't resist.

Of course Grumps freaked as usual. But it isn't for him, but for me. I know that this is a little much for a blog BUT I decided that we all need a little help in this department. Especially those of us struggling with trying to conceive.

If you need a little more THIS is the toy for you!!!!

Friend Therapy

The other night I was in of friend therapy. I think my other friends were in need of it too. Of course wine had to be part of the cure.

We all talked about our lives. Where we were in them. How they aren't where we truly want them to be. How we all have an ache, longing, empty place. It felt good to just share our hearts

I am so thankful for my circle of friends. I am so thankful that I am not alone.

My Mind

My mind has been running on overtime these days. I have many people on my mind in different stages of their lives. I want to be there for them, hoping that it will take the pressure off of me and my own life.

I continue to think about my job and how I am not happy in it. I made a list of likes and dislikes the other day. It was sad to see that my dislikes out weighed my likes in a huge way. I don't want to live my life like that.

Yesterday I saw one too many families. It really began to drive me nuts. Then I started to think that this just can't be normal. I think about this way too much. I can't even begin to count the number of times I think about me and my life and babies and children and not having one and never having one and.... God please make it all just STOP!

Mother's Day is only a couple of weeks away.

On a good note, Grumps and I had a GREAT time last night. Yes, truly great time. I will share more details this week.

Finally thank you friend for hanging with me tonight. I know that it was to help you feel better but it helped me even more. Thank you for helping me sort through my crazy mind and being a sounding board.

The PERFECT Song

Thanks to Miss M, I found the song for me and my journey!

thought you'd be here

by Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now

Your mother and I

We're praying through our tears that somehow

We might hear your sweet cry

Have we waited too long

It's getting harder to be strong

Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing

I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme and melodies, child

And if you like dreaming

Your mother will make your imagination run wild

Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs

It's right down the hall

So we'll be close should you ever get scared

We'll come when you call

It's a room full of stories

Waiting to be told

Longing to behold

And if you like laughing

I'll plaint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear

And if you like living

Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow . . .

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf

I never knew I could miss someone I've never met

Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting

Red Wine: The New Love Potion

Instead of an ice pack this time I just drank 3/4 a bottle of red wine all by myself. It was a great love potion.

Now this morning, I needed an ice pack for sure in BOTH areas, my head and hoohoo!