Off to the Great White North!!!

We are off to Canada to visit Grumps family. We will be telling them tonight about our little one!!! I am sure they will be besides themselves.

So if you don't hear from me for 10 days just know that all is well. Thank you for your continued prayers!

The Mystery of the Numbers

This week has been a total roller coaster ride. I went from being high to low to high again. It just makes me love this baby even more.

Today I felt the world praying for us. The nurses and doctors were even praying as the doctor did the sonogram. We were all praying to see this little baby's heartbeat screaming to us, I AM ALIVE!!!

When we saw the baby on the screen it was like time stood still. We all watched in silence waiting and hoping to see life. Then all of a sudden a little flicker was seen. Tears began to stream down my face. My baby was alive! The baby that I have longed for since I was 5 was truly living inside me. All the worries of numbers and any other thought were diminished. We were staring at a miracle!

The doctor said that it was the most beautiful baby she has ever seen. I have to agree with her! It was the smallest baby with a heart beat that she had ever seen. She agreed that we truly were watching a miracle.

On the way into the room I ran into Sweet Doctor. He asked me how I was doing. I told him that I wasn't doing very well. He gave me a look and put his arm around me as I began to cry and tell him our fears. After the doctor was done she ran off to show everyone the little miracle of life that was inside of me. Sweet Doctor came right in and gave me the biggest hug. He said that today was the worst and best day in a long time! He couldn't stop talking about God's amazing miracle.

The Numbers...

I asked the doctor about those crazy numbers. She said that I could have had twins and lost one. That would have cost my numbers to go crazy. She also said that it could have been an error. Finally she said that she really had no clue what caused my numbers not to double. The numbers don't matter anymore. We saw a heartbeat. That brings any risk down to only 5%! She wants to really watch me and this little one closely. I will be having many more sonograms! Darn, I will have to see my beautiful baby again and again! August 9th at 2:30 is the next time! Grumps will get to go this time. By the way, when I sent him the page letting him know that we still have a baby and I saw the heart beat, he almost cried. He is SO PROUD!

Thank you all who prayed for us! Thank you for waking up in the night and early morning saying prayers. Thank you for the many emails and well wishes! Thank you S for taking phone calls and keeping everyone up to speed. Thank you D for being right there by my side. I know that it was just as hard for you as it was for me. Thank you K for celebrating this afternoon. But most of all THANK YOU GOD FOR KEEPING OUR BABY!!!!

We have a HEART BEAT!!!

My Sad Numbers

I finally got the phone all. My numbers didn't double. They barely moved at all. The doctor is concerned and so am I. I am going in for a sonogram tomorrow. At 6weeks 1day you should be able to see the baby's heartbeat.

Grumps has to work so I will be taking a friend.

Please pray for a miracle! God can do ANYTHING!!!

Heavy Heart!

My numbers didn't double! My heart is heavy. Thank you D for being there today! It totally helped.

Grumps has a VERY heavy heart too. I told him not to let the worry overtake him but to pray that this baby will LIVE AND NOT DIE!

Please pray for us tonight! This baby just has to make it!

Freak Out Night

It is amazing how your brain can go from one worry to the next in a blink of an eye.

This journey has been very hard. I found my faith to be stretched beyond what I thought was possible. You would think now that I have my baby inside of me I would feel at peace. I feel even more torn. I am trying very hard not to fear and worry and fret.

Today I have had that worry feeling all day. I have prayed and prayed. Nothing bad ever happened but doubt set in. I hate doubt!!! My doctor's office called letting me know that my blood test was great. Numbers are up. Progesterone good. I was all smiles. Then she said, "The doctor would like for you to come in for another blood test tomorrow before you schedule your sonogram." I have already scheduled that appointment.

I freaked out! My mind went to bad thoughts. Maybe they saw something wrong and need to see more results. It was never ending in my head. I went to the message boards and posted. I went to my online friends and posted. I needed to know that everything was okay. I went to God and asked for peace and saving mercies for this baby.

My friends all believe that my doctor wants to keep a close eye on me. They want to make sure all is well and if not they want to be right there to try to fix it. My doctor friend told me that your numbers need to be at a certain level in order for them to see a heart beat on a sonogram. They might be checking that to make sure all is well. The doctor who asked for more bloodwork done is a different doctor who I did my first appointment with.

With all that being said and thought through I am better. It is just amazing how I used to freak out about not having kids. Now I freak out about the life inside of me.

I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO GOD!!!

Pregnancy Symptoms

Now that I am so far in this first trimester (HA! the journey is only beginning), I thought I would give you a run down of how I am feeling.

I am feeling GREAT!!!!

My biggest complaint would be my broken boobs. I swear that they are broken. I also believe that they have grown and turned into bricks. They are so heavy and hard that I wake up in the night hurting from laying on them. Hugs are a no no and so is Itsy sitting on my chest. My greatest fear about my body and this pregnancy is that my boobs will get so big that you will only see them and never my belly. My mom jokes that Grumps will have to walk beside me and hold them up. God and I had a moment last night. I begged Him to keep them at a normal size. Right now I am on the edge of normal and HUGE!!! I know, that is a vain request, but seriously who wants to buy a bra in a letter at the end of the ABC's?

I am tired. I just want to lay around in bed. Which I have been doing since my family left. I even took a very short nap yesterday.

HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!! I could eat this house if I would let myself. I eat and get full. An hour later I am ready to eat again. But you would all be very proud of me. I have been eating veggies and fruit more than anything else. I know many woman take on the idea that you can eat anything you want while you are pregnant. That might be true for some, BUT I have a feeling if I do that, I will be a HOUSE by the end of it all.

Here is Grumps' thoughts on my hunger and desire to eat:

"Sunny, when I get hungry like I am going to die, I just don't give in to it. I hold that hungry over until dinner time. You don't need to eat an hour before dinner. You can have some self control"

Here was my response:

"GRUMPS, WHO HAS THE BABY GROWING IN THEIR BELLY? WHO HAS A PLACENTA GROWING AND FLUID BUILDING? WHO HAS A BABY WITH ORGANS FORMING AND ARMS AND LEGS GROWING? I DON'T THINK IT IS YOU!"

Needless to say, I got out my pregnancy book that I just bought and showed him pictures. He was shocked. I then read to him about the need to eat and the hunger that will drive you nuts. He shut up after that. :)

I am having NO morning sickness or afternoon sickness or evening sickness. I am sure it could come since I am still very early but as of right now I feel great. I do get that blah feeling sometimes but I eat something small and drink a big glass of water. Water is my friend since wine left me a few weeks ago.

Lastly I think I am getting bigger. I don't want to yet. It is very early but my clothes are uncomfortable. It didn't help that my clothes were beginning to get that way before this little decided to move in. But this is where Grumps is super sweet. A few times a day, Grumps lifts my shirt and stares at my belly. He says, "Is it getting bigger yet?" Then he smiles. Yesterday he lifted my shirt and said, "Wow, I really think it is getting bigger! Your belly is growing! I can see it!" I am ready for the belly but really don't care for the "I am pregnant but look fat" stage!

Fingers crossed that feeling GREAT will last a LONG TIME!

*D this picture is for you!

Prayers

The journey to this little bean inside of me has been a hard journey. But I know we would have never made it here without the many prayers that have covered us. I don't think we can even grasp how many people have been praying for this little life inside my body.

Close friends

Family

Distant friends

Internet friends

Friends of friends

Friends of family

The list goes on and on. When I share my news it never fails that tears well up in both eyes. Mine because my dream is totally in the making. The other person's because their prayers have been answered.

Thank you all for praying for us. But I ask you to please NOT stop.

It is amazing how fears creep up into my head. I know that Grumps is carrying many himself. I told him what I do when they try to push into my head. I begin to thank God for this baby. I pray that He will protect it. That our baby will grow strong and healthy. I pray. The peace settles and my mind is cleared. Sometimes the peace lasts for the rest of the day. Other times, the fear moment comes back a few minutes later.

I know that many of you might think we are crazy for sharing our news with you so early. In fact back in the beginning days of this journey, my plan was to keep our news a secret for the first trimester. But after 3 1/2 years of trying and the world praying for us, I couldn't keep it a secret. Now if it were up to Grumps the secret would have been kept for as long as possible. I pushed to spread the word.

We need people to continue to pray for this life. I need everyone to believe with us that this baby or babies will grow to completion. So if you pray please pray for us. It doesn't have to be a long prayer. It can be just a few words. "God please keep this baby strong and healthy!"

Thank you for being part of this journey with us!

I Have a Secret...

that I just can't keep anymore.

Remember that high temperature and how I was going to test? Well that next morning my temperature was still up. I was SHOCKED. So I tested, not expecting much. I always take my test back to bed with me and then just roll over. I pushed my snooze button to see the inevitable. I just knew it would be that stupid single line. NOPE! I had two lines. I freaked out and couldn't believe it.

I turned my lamp on and started to shake in excitement. Grumps was getting ready for work in the bathroom. I have always had a plan on how I would tell him. I went digging into my closet for the Papa beanie baby that I bought him. I put the test with the bear on his pager and crawled back under the covers. My heart was beating so fast that it felt like I had just ran a marathon. The minutes tick by and he is still in the bathroom. I couldn't stand the wait any longer.

I ran into the bathroom with the bear and the test. He had no clue what I was doing . I told him that the bear's name was Papa and the test should that we were pregnant. He was so shocked that he just couldn't believe it. He told me that I should rely on the test. We have NEVER gotten a positive before. He hugged me and couldn't stop smiling.

All day I was in a fog. I took 2 more tests to confirm the news.

Grumps didn't want me to share our news. Of course I won out on that vote. I shared with a few close friends that day. Throughout the week I shared with a few others. My family arrived last week and we shared with them. I have a few others to share with tomorrow at church. Our last people to share with will be Grumps' family. We are going to visit them next Saturday in Canada.

I had my first doctor's appointment last week as well. My doctor was totally beside himself with the news. He confirmed the due date, March 20th. He also scheduled my first sonogram for August 9th!

I am still over the moon with the news. I am 5 weeks and 4 days along.

I now have a disclaimer for those of you who know my in laws. Please keep this news to yourself. We would hate for it to get all the way back to them before we could tell them in person. It would just kill my mother in law to know that she wasn't told by us. This is one reason I took so long to post. I wanted to tell those of you who I know in real life my news in person. I love seeing your faces light up with shock!

The Charting Game

I am back from my travels for awhile. I am very glad to be home. Not having alone time just about kills me. I have to work very hard to stay a nice person.

Now that I am back home I am playing the charting game. Have any of you played this game before? I check my temperature every morning and then plug it in to my chart on Fertility Friend. I then sit back and watch. I have ovulated FINALLY!!! Now I am in the 2 week wait. I am just shocked because my temperature is still up and today I should have started my period. Yes, you heard that right. Usually it does a nice little drop.

My hopes are trying very hard to stay under control. We didn't really optimize our baby making time this month. I feel Aunt Flow creeping up on me. My boobs also feel broken.

I HATE this stupid game~! I try very hard not to talk about it with others. It is like as soon as I speak my hopes or fears out loud during the this game time, the game ends with Aunt Flow. Tomorrow will be the big day. If my temperature is still up I will test. I am trying very hard to keep my mind off the game today.

Traveling

My traveling begins today!

I am looking forward to a busy summer. I won't have time to think about my body, cycle, or baby making timing. I have been very frustrated with my chart and everything that goes with that these days. Nothing is working the way it is suppose to work. There are days when I think that the time is here to get our groove on. But the next morning with my thermometer in my mouth proves me WRONG!

If you don't hear from me for a little while, just know that I am working hard to be normal!

The Advice Just Keeps On Coming

Now that I am fully trying again, the advice has started to pour in like the pre-Lupron days.

You would think that people would think before they speak. You would also think that they were smarter than they really are.

I had endometriosis. I was on an awful drug. I am trying to get my hormones leveled. I think I know what I am doing by now. BUT people still try to help with stupid words.

*Relax and it will happen.

*You know that stress will really mess up your body.

*Enjoy the ride and forget about the planning and work.

*Have sex and don't plan it.

*It will happen when it happens.

*Start working towards adopting.

*Then your mind will be off trying to get pregnant and onto adopting.

*A study was done on people who began adopting and got pregnant during the process.

SHUT UP!!!! I know that they are only trying to help. They want to feel like they are involved. They really want me to have a child. They continued to tell me that over and over again.

*You will be a wonderful mother.

*You need to be a mom some way some how.

So I know that they mean well but you would think that all the advice would stop now.

As I hugged everyone goodbye for the summer everyone told me that they hoped I had good news and a belly when school starts back. Now those are sweet words.

OH MY GOSH!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK LIKE TEN YEARS FROM NOW?
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HOW MANY FRIENDS?
WHAT ACTIVITIES DO YOU DO?
YOUR APPEARENCE WILL ATTRACT	HOT GUYS
YOU WILL BE?	A LONLY TEACHER
YOU WILL HAVE?	NO KIDS
YOU WILL MARRY?	THE WHORE NEXT DOOR
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A Good Place

I am so in a good place. (D I took that from you! I am glad you are in a good place too!)

Last month I wasn't in a very good place. I felt so like I was falling apart. I felt like I was holding onto life by my finger nails. Since progesterone and time I feel like the old me is back.

Being in a good place is nice. My thoughts aren't consumed with maybes and wonders and woes. I can be around others with bellies and babies and not feel so... I am enjoying where I am. Of course I would love there to be more but right now I am good.

My summer vacation begins next week. It is packed full of trips and visits. It overwhelms but yet makes me excited. I won't have time to sit and wonder and freak myself out. Staying busy is the key.

Now if only my body would get the picture and realize that I am in a good place.

The Lapping

The lapping just has to stop. Seriously, it needs to stop.

Lapping: verb, a word meaning when a friend or acquaintance is expecting another child while you are still waiting for your first.

It amazes me how the news never changes how I feel. I smile. I reply to the email or conversation, or whatever with a nice fake, Congrats! I am so excited for you!

LIE

LIE

LIE!!!!

I really am not truly excited for them. I mean I am but I am not. Very mixed feelings. I get that "THIS IS NOT FAIR" message ringing in my ears. It really just blows my little mind.

One day, my baby will come. Until then, I will enjoy my wine!

She Has Arrived!

My lovely lady friend has arrived. She brought her friend Cramp with her too. When she first decided to show it was like I had gotten a bfp. I was smiling from ear to ear. I had to tell at least 4 people that she had arrived at that very moment.

Cramp decided to dig in hard.

It just feels good to have a clean slate. It would be wonderful if my ovaries got the message and started doing their job.

If you would like to celebrate with me, bust open a bottle of red wine and say a cheer to Aunt Flow and her friends!

Here She Comes!

I feel the knocking. I hear that she is coming. AF should be making her arrival VERY soon.

I went to the good ole doctor. I fell in love with this man who is usually is grumpy. He validated me TOTALLY. He let me know that I should be feeling bad. I should feel depressed. My body went through a major change over night.

The sweet doctor, that will be his name from now on, put me on progesterone. I had heard that it can drive your body and moods crazy. There is no way it can do any damage compared to Lupron.

I have to say that I am in love with this medicine. I feel like myself again. My moods are stable. My attitude is up. The hot flashes are gone. I am sleeping at night and feeling rested. I have normal cramps back. I feel AF making her presence known.

I am about to have a PERIOD!!!

Mother's Day

Just another day.

I don't celebrate this day. I don't go to church. I don't think about it. I just go about my business.

K, my neighbor, was so sweet and took me to a movie and lunch. It was a great way to get me out of my house.

Her and her husband had one of those weeks that most married couples enough. A CRAP WEEK! When she got home, her husband was a dork. Nothing new for me, but new for her. So she came over, had a moment, enjoyed some drinks, and sang her heart out with karaoke.

It is the best therapy ever! Drink and Sing!!!

Left and Right

Everywhere I turn or read or watch, there is someone who has lost a baby.

Close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, message board friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say. My heart just hurts. I have NO clue what it feels like. I don't ever want to know what it feels like.

On the flip side, there are pregnant women all around me.

Family, close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say here either but, "I am so excited for you!" My heart hurts for me. I have NO clue what it feels like. I would give it all to just experience that filling.

Life hurts and some days it SUCKS!

Rollercoaster

That would me, a constant rollercoaster. I am UP UP UP UP and then down down down down.

Poor Grumps. He doesn't know what to do.