Glory Baby

D, I believe this is your song. I found it the other day and had to share it with the rest of you. It is priceless.

Glory baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Talk

Today and I guess yesterday I really talked 'pregnant talk' with the pregnant girl on my team. I guess I have moved on a bit or at least disconnected myself with it all.

She is at 16weeks and really isn't showing. She is still wearing her old clothes. Today I saw her belly do a little pop at the end of the day but still. I look bigger than she does. At 8 weeks I really looked bigger and I am not that big. She is not that little either.

She is all worried. I tried to calm her fears. Of course bad thoughts were running through my head. SO BAD! She goes in for a check up next week. I thought it was for today. I told her this morning that I was praying for her. She has been on my mind. I would hate for her to have to go through a miscarriage. It truly is hell.

She wouldn't shut up about being pregnant and all that jazz today. She kept saying, "You know what I mean." Then she all of a sudden realized my situation. She knew it before but it finally hit. She felt awful. She kept apologizing. I told her that there wasn't a need for that. I was in a good place. Of course afterwards, while at home feeling sorry for myself, I hated her.

It is just really weird talking about what it feels like being pregnant when I am not anymore. Weird.

*Oh Grumps and I did the deed this weekend. It was good ole drunk sex. I was positive that Aunt Flow was on her way. Guess what? I oed the next day. WHAT THE HECK? Fingers crossed all is well no matter the outcome in a couple of weeks. Trying not to worry.

Precious Child

I have spent a lot of time on Fertility Friend helping and getting help from others during this loss. Today I found this song. It was perfect.

PRECIOUS CHILD

Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Just a Memory

The flowers are all dead.

Everything is put away.

The only things left of those 8 weeks are a sweet picture in my room and the memories.

*Not sure why comments are showing up. I didn't want them.

Relating

I am a talker. I try to relate to everyone. I love the be apart of the conversation. Lately at work I have been surrounded by pregnant people. Okay, not that many but enough to be in the middle of the conversation.

I hear, "Man, it sure is hard not to drink being pregnant." "My boobs have just gotten so big." "I am so tired."

Guess what comes to my mind? Oh me too! But wait, not anymore. I have almost started talking about being pregnant so many times. I don't fit into that circle anymore. I have nothing to show for my 8 weeks. I feel stupid giving my 10 cents.

The other day, one of the girls on my team asked if anyone had a spare mattress. I spoke up, "Oh we do. My husband has been wanting to get rid of it. It is old but we do." Then reality came and I realized that we won't be taking down the spare bedroom for the nursery this month. I had to tell her that I forgot, we will still be using it for a bit. UGH!

Anyone else feel like they don't fit in anymore?

Bittersweet

I got a call from my mom a couple of days ago letting me know that they were driving down to my brother's. His wife was going to have their baby some time this weekend. The thought was bittersweet.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that they were on their way to the hospital. My brother called later in the evening to tell me that she was at 4 cm. This entire time my heart was heavy for me. I hate that! At 3:30 am my mom calls to tell me that the little one was born. They were blessed with a boy with a head of blond hair.

This morning my mom calls me to tell me more details. I listened. I asked questions. I pretended to be totally excited. In my heart of hearts I am for them. I am excited. I can't even fathom my little brother being a father. BUT I can see his face and his tears and his smile. I can see how proud he must be. I know that he will be wonderful but my heart is once again heavy.

When I got off the phone I tried very hard to wrap my brain around it. I tried hard not to cry. Not to feel sorry for myself. This isn't about me. It is about them. They deserve happiness. Noone deserves to have heartache and pain and loss.

I am thankful that we don't live near them. We have the perfect reason not to see the baby. Actually we aren't even sure when we will see them next. Christmas is still up in the air for us. Should we go on a trip? Should we stay home? Should we go see family? I guess it all depends when we get pregnant again.

I will try very hard to be a good sister and sound happy. I will try very hard to keep it together today when we go hang out with friends and their kids. I will try very hard not to feel sorry for myself. I will try very hard to not get the blahs.

Life sure is bittersweet!

Making It

Just wanted to pop in to let everyone know that I am making it.

My days are long.

I have a cold.

Yesterday was very emotional.

I heard "How was your summer?" over 50 times.

I lied in each response.

I have a pregnant girl on my team due just a couple of weeks before I would have been.

She drove me crazy at first.

She is growing on me.

I am exhausted.

I am just coasting.

Barely making it.

I told my administration.

She was helpful and very glad that I confined in her.

I cried off and on all day yesterday.

Today I was numb.

I will make it!

Back to Work

I am going back to work today. School is finally starting up. BOOOO HISSSS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

This summer didn't go the way I had planned. It started out great. I had fun with my friends and granny. I got wonderful news that I was pregnant. I got to enjoy feeling pregnant. We visited family and then it just all went bad.

I feel like the summer was tainted. I really would like a redo. I wouldn't trade being pregnant but something had to be better.

I haven't really spoken to anyone from work this summer. Two people from my team know. I plan to tell my administrators today just so they know why I might be acting different or whatever. I am sure someone will come up to me and say, "How are things going on the baby front?" or "How are you feeling these days?" OR "Are you pregnant? I just thought you would be this summer."

I plan to reply to all of the above with "Well, we were pregnant and I had a miscarriage two weeks ago. We are blessed to have been pregnant and plan to start trying again once I get my cycle." I will then say, "How was your summer?"

I hope to make people feel bad for being so insensitive. Oh well, I work with teachers, what do you expect!

To Be Happy

To Be Happy by Sara Evans

If I had one wish, I would wish for two
For me and you to be happy
With the way things are, sometimes gets hard
But, we've come so far to be happy

Yeah, don't think that I'm complaining
Sometimes it keeps on raining
Oh but don't be frightened by thunder and lightning
The sun comes out and the flowers grow
And you find you're already on the road to be happy
If I had one prayer to pull out of thin air
Everyone, everywhere would be happy
We'd hand out Valentines, I'd be yours, you'd be mine
There's a place, there's a time to be happy

Well we fuss and we fight
We can't see the light
We wake up and decide
We don't need to be right to be happy

Don't think that I'm complaining
Sometimes it keeps on raining
Oh but don't be frightened by thunder and lightning
The sun comes out and the flowers grow
And you find you're already on the road to be happy
If I had one prayer to pull out of thin air
Everyone, everywhere would be happy
We'd hand out Valentines, I'd be yours, you'd be mine
There's a place, there's a time to be happy

My prayer for all of us is to be happy. To have our dreams come true. To have our babies in our arms. To find true love. To be truly happy. I can find happiness without a child but I sure long for one like never before.

*D and I this song is for you!

Pregnacy Detective

Yes I am a pregnancy detective. I am pretty good at it. There are times I make up a story in my head and am totally wrong. I think I do that for self preservation. It is my way of getting myself ready for the news even when there is no news to share.

I watch signs of bellies. Are they getting bigger? How are those clothes fitting? Once I even thought this older woman was pregnant. I told a friend and she thought I was on crack. She said that she has always had a belly. I swore up and down that it now looked pregnant. She probably is in menopause. HA! But I was so sure.

I watch for signs of change in habits. Are they drinking? What are they drinking? What are they eating or not eating? How much are they eating? Do they look green? Are they going to the bathroom a million times in an hour span? I went to a happy hour with friends one day. One of my friends didn't drink anything. She usually is right there with me on the consumption level. She only had water. I was positive she had news to share but was holding out. She even didn't act like herself. Ummm months went by and she never shared any news. She wasn't pregnant. I am still waiting though even though a year has gone by.

I watch for the look. You know the look. The look of pity. The look of nervousness. The look of fear. All of these looks only happen when they are around you. They are thinking, "How do we break the news to them?" I have had it broken to me in person, privately at my home. I have been told at a bar. I had many drinks that night after the news. I have been told by the phone, through email, or through someone else. All of them are tough to swallow. I just try to be one step ahead of them at all times.

Anyone else watch the signs? Anyone else a skilled pregnancy detective? I should hire my skills out to other infertiles.

The Up's and Down's

This week has been full of up's and down's. During the day I am feeling good, flying high, holding tight and almost feeling normal. Then it doesn't take long for a comment, a belly, maternity clothes at Target, a tv show, whatever... to drop to a low.

When I drop I just got blah. I don't cry. Even though I wish I could. I just tune out. Grumps has caught me doing it a couple of times. I have some friends who can see it too. I hate it when I get there. The whole day felt normal and then it turns sour.

Yesterday everywhere I looked there were perfect little pregnant bellies. I turn my head quickly in hopes that my brain didn't register the site. HA! It doesn't work like that. Target had the best clothes all season. I didn't mean to even see them but they were on the edge where I had to walk. I stared as a pregnant woman with a tiny belly tried a jacket on. I almost lost it there.

I got a phone call last night from my sister in law thanking me for the baby gift that I sent. She is due in 2 weeks. Thank the Lord we live hundreds of miles away. The last time I had spoken to her was with our good news of being pregnant. I could hear the sadness in her voice as she asked how I was doing. I am the best liar in the world. "GREAT!!! School starts next week. We are having a karaoke party here tomorrow night. Everything is going well." You could tell that she was taken aback. I just wanted to avoid the entire topic all together. It worked! I not only am a master at liar I rock at ending a phone conversation.

Finally I went upstairs to watch Windfall. It has been one of my favorite shows all summer. Of course the stupidest character gets pregnant. Not only does it show her going to the doctor, it shows her u/s. First of all, she is too early to have an external u/s done to her. Secondly the baby looked to be at 12 weeks or more. Impossible. Finally she heard the heartbeat. LOUD! I cried. We didn't get that pleasure.

Does anyone have a clue when the ups and downs will end? I doubt they will ever be over. I don't even think getting pregnant will take care of them. I am sure I will be so worried then that the downs will appear just like they are now. It just drives me nuts how sudden they hit. I can't do anything to stop them! Vicadin anyone! I have 3 left!

The Hope Chest

Today was cleaning day. My house had just fallen a part. We are having a karaoke party here on Friday. I needed to get things in order. It felt good to clean house for once.

I started vaccuming the upstairs and realized that the maternity clothes and sweet cards that I had thrown down the hall to 'the room' needed to be picked up. So I picked them up and decided to just put it all away. One by one I placed things in my hope chest. I thought that I would have cried and though about it all. I would have held each item in my hand and thought about our baby. I didn't. I just put them all in the chest, closed it and moved on. Scary.

I did keep out our only picture of our baby. I just couldn't put it in the chest to leave forever. It is now in my room. It isn't super close but close enough that I know that it is there. I wonder if Grumps will notice. And if he does I wonder if he will say anything. Probably not. He is trying to move on too.

My Crazy Brain

My brain is on the fritz. It doesnt' work the way it is suppose to work these days. I can't concentrate. When I do I lose it so fast that I forgot what I was thinking about before. I try to remember things and that is impossible. There is just a big blank space.

At night I go to bed and begin to pray through my mental list when all of a sudden I am not praying any more. I am off in lala land lost. Not asleep but just lost.

When I talk at times my words come out so mushed or incomplete. I have to have a translator to help me get my thoughts across.

I need a fresh brain. I clean start. I guess I will just blame it all on hormones, grieving... When will it go back to normal?

Now a Dream

I wanted to post this song for my baby. Now I post it for my miracle to be.

Things We've Handed Down

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But we could only go so far

Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
There someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can

Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl

Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade

And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed

By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

Marc Cohn

Not Alone

It is amazing how sometimes you just feel so alone in your pain but when you look up from it all you see that you aren't the only one here.

A couple of nights ago Grumps had to go to bed early. I wasn't in the mood for tv. I had my book down in the basement with me but it didn't sound fun either. So I began to search and read blogs from other blogs. I found some amazing woman with very sad stories. I sat at my computer and cried and cried and cried. I cried for me but I mainly cried for them. I have added some new blogs to my sidebar.

In my real life I have many friends who have gone through this awful journey. Some are still on it and totally grieve with me. Others have been on it and have moved onto my dream journey. But the look in their eyes and the hugs that they give speak millions. They have walked in my shoes and can still remember that awful pain.

I also have friends who haven't gone through this and I am glad for them. It is very hard for them to watch me stumble along on my journey. They try so hard to help carry me. I am very grateful for them. I can see in their eyes the pain as well. It is the pain for me. They feel lost at what to say and do but they have done an amazing job. I am so proud of their courage.

I am so glad I am not alone. Being alone on this journey would be a place where I just don't know if I could make it one step further. But most of all I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has walked this journey before me and is ALWAYS there for me.

*Thanks D for the talk and wine today. I needed it more than words! LOVE YOU!

Sanitary Napkins

I am sitting here at my computer with a WONDERFUL glass of wine. This is one of the only reasons I can be glad that I am not pregnant. I truly missed drinking. But that is for another post on another day.

Yes, I am wearing sanitary napkins or pads for short. I had to go and buy them the day there was no heartbeat. I took I along with me to figure out just what I needed. I haven't worn pads since I started my period almost 20 years ago. WOW I am sure old! I had no clue what I was buying. I just didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night covered in blood. I had an awful picture from one of my favorite books stuck in my mind every night when I would go to bed.

So I bought Always ultra thin with wings for day and also the HUGE DIAPER ones for night. I HATE pads. I hate them with a passion. I feel like I am wearing a diaper. There are times that I can actually hear it move around and make that awful embarrassing sound. I even warned my friends about it at times.

Well this morning I went to put the freaking pad on and actually read what was on the little paper that sticks to the wings. Have a Happy Period! WHAT THE HECK!!! Of course I couldn't stop laughing but truly who has a happy period? Who decided on that great marketing idea? A man?

I told Grumps about it tonight when I went to change it again. Sorry for all the changing of pads but I truly hate them with a passion. DIRTY DIRTY THINGS! Grumps couldn't stop laughing at the thought of it saying, Have a Happy Period! He started thinking of other ways to use period as their marketing tool. His favorite was, "Every month ends in a period!"

Has anyone else noticed that little saying on their pads?

*As I was looking for pictures for this blog I actually found a website where you can make your own. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!!

The Art of Coasting

I went to church today. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in bed. The thought of seeing the faces of so many who know what happened to me just made me uncomfortable.

Grumps had to work so I would be walking in alone. I timed it perfectly. I didn't want to go to the cafe for breakfast where I would sit around and have to engage in small talk. I walked into the building with a look of purpose on my face. I didn't allow eye contact to happen. I looked for my friends who I always sit with and beelined right to them.

I could feel the eyes on me. I know that it means that I am loved but I just didn't want to break down in front of the world. Before the music began I got a big hug from my friends mother in law. Tears welled up and I just laughed it all off and quickly asked her if she would take me in as one of her daughters. I turned to the other side and caught eyes with someone else. It wasn't a matter of seconds when I felt a cheek touching mine and a quick kiss. I was proud of her for not going on and on about me and her experience. The timing was perfect for the music to begin.

After the music I knew that people were thinking, How Can I get to Her? I just coasted by. I would get a quick hug and coast right by. I was trying hard to get to the bathroom but ran into many of my dear friends.

More hugs came. More "I am doing okay" came out. BUT I perfected the art of coasting. I am a pro at changing the subject. Moving the conversation along or just ending them. It felt good to be loved but it felt good to hold the control.

Mommy's Love Goes With You

I found this today. It couldn't have been more perfect.

Forgetting

The other day after visiting the room I came back to bed to find that I was forgetting my little one. I was forgetting the entire experience. I felt lost.

Last weekend when I was trying to cope with the news I began to push everything away. I believe I was just trying to forget to just deal with the now. My friend D asked me if that was what I was doing, trying to forget. It caught me off guard for a bit but I told her that I guess I was trying to do that. I was trying to just cope. Forgetting was coping. I just wanted to move on and start over and not hurt.

That moment when I couldn't remember anything I just cried in Grumps arms. I was scared that I would not remember my little one and the amazing experience that we had for 8 weeks. Grumps was just precious. He held me and began to retell me all that had happened. He reminded me of my little belly that was popping and how I loved to rub it. He just whispered it all to me in the dark while I cried holding the bear blanket as if I was holding my little one. We both went to sleep in tears that night. I vowed not to ever push it all away into the dark parts of my mind again. I needed to grieve and remember and not forget so that I could heal.

I still am not sure what I will do with our little picture. It is in a beautiful frame from a friend. We had planned to update that frame with each new picture we received. Now the picture and frame are in the room. Do I bring it into my room? Do I just let it go? I truly am torn. Maybe I need to wait a bit longer to decide. But everytime I close my eyes I see my little one with its precious heart beating away.

Over the Rainbow

I heard this song today and thought of my little one.

My little one is somewhere over the rainbow where dreams come true. Where life is safe. Where it is sweet. One day I will be over the rainbow with my little one in my arms. Until then I can only dream of that amazing place that holds my little one safe and sound.


Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I?

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?

Music That Touches My Soul

There are so many songs that totally touch my soul. They minister to me over and over again. Today while searching iTunes I found a couple. This one truly says it all for me today!

Cry Out To Jesus

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Mountain Of God

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Both songs are by Third Day

I hope they touch you too in your hard times no matter what they might be.

My First Outing

Today was my first outing out of the house besides going to K's for pizza night. I had a dentist appointment. I told them when they called to remind me that I had a 'procedure' on Monday and would it still be okay to come. I caught the receptionist off guard with, "I had a miscarriage yesterday."

So I went. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted my teeth cleaned and to be done with it. My head, back and belly still hurt. I am in no place to talk to strangers. But guess what she asked me?

Are you pregnant? Or just had a baby?

HA! I said, "Nope, I just had a miscarriage." She felt like crap and tried really hard to backpedal out of that one. She saw Prenatal vitamins on my little form. She just assumed.

She tried to cover her tracks with "Well it seems that the percentage is pretty high for miscarriages." I am not sure if that was an attempt to make me feel better. I was fighting for my life not to let tears stream down my face. She then asked how far along I was. I really thought by now that she would have just dropped it.

8 weeks

"Wow!" Was her response.

"Do you have any children?" Was her next question.

Nope.

"I just thought that maybe you had other children."

Nope.

The conversation moved on to my haircut and color. It moved onto my gums and flossing. It moved on to 3 cavities. But in my head it was still there. I had a miscarriage. I was 8 weeks. Last week I was pregnant. This week I am not.

Guess what? I don't want to leave my house again. Stuff like this comes up in conversation all the time. It was so much easier saying, "My husband and I don't have children. We are waiting on God. We have been trying for 3 1/2 years." But now what do you say?

I guess, "We are still waiting on our little miracle."

The Room

We have a room where all of our babies things are. All of the cards, gifts, clothes, memories hide.
I look down the hall and see that room. It is a sad place. It was going to be the nursery. I was counting down the days until I got to work on it. Now it is just a bed covered in memories.

Grumps finally shut the door to it the other day. Every time I looked down the hall I could see all the memories stacked high on the bed. Little by little we have been picking up the memories and hiding them away in that room. One day I will box those things up for safe keeping.

I had to take something to the room the other day. Usually I just make a quick drop off. I don't look at the piles. I don't think about all that is there. I just drop and leave with my head down. This day as I dropped off I's thank you card I stopped. I stopped and touched the memories. I grabbed hold of the baby's teddy bear blanket. I held it and cried. I pulled out our babies picture and stared at it with heartache. I didn't want to leave the room. It was like I was locking away my baby forever.

I couldn't stay there any longer. It was just too hard so I left. But I left with that blanket from I. I took it back to my room. I curled up in bed with it. I cried for my baby. I hold it close while I recover from letting my baby go. I don't think it will be going back to the room for a while.

So Blessed

I am so blessed to have friends who totally know how to carry someone in a really hard time. It is amazing how each person has hit perfectly on a need without even knowing it. I don't even know how to thank them all. They have blessed our lives more than words.

We have received flowers, cards, emails, phone calls, wine, visits, food, and more.

I know it is hard coming up to a house where you just aren't sure what you will find inside during a really tough time. I have been the one on the other side of the door before. Your stomach is in knots. You are so nervous. But now that I am on the other side of the door, to open it and see my friends with open arms has been such a healing and blessing to us.

There have been days where all I wanted to do was hide forever in my room. Because my friends love me so much they haven't let me do that. They have walked with us during a very dark time in our lives. THANK YOU for being there.

There are just too many to name but you know who you are. We love you and thank God for you!

An Angel in Heaven

I wanted to let all of you know that we now have an angel in heaven.

We went in for our 8 week sonogram and found that the baby didn't have a heart beat. We were very devistated. My doctor wanted to confirm this with a sonogram from a radiologist before we take care of it all. Today it was confirmed.

I never thought we would be here today. BUT I am so blessed to have had 8 weeks of life growing inside of me. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Life is an amazing thing. I am still blown away with how small cells are formed so simply.

We are sad. Our hearts are heavy. All of our baby things are being moved to our hope chest. I even went and bought new clothes yesterday so that I have things to wear.

Thank you all for your many prayers and thoughts these past weeks. I have felt surrounded by love and peace.

We are still praying for our little miracle. It will happen some day!

Off to the Great White North!!!

We are off to Canada to visit Grumps family. We will be telling them tonight about our little one!!! I am sure they will be besides themselves.

So if you don't hear from me for 10 days just know that all is well. Thank you for your continued prayers!

The Mystery of the Numbers

This week has been a total roller coaster ride. I went from being high to low to high again. It just makes me love this baby even more.

Today I felt the world praying for us. The nurses and doctors were even praying as the doctor did the sonogram. We were all praying to see this little baby's heartbeat screaming to us, I AM ALIVE!!!

When we saw the baby on the screen it was like time stood still. We all watched in silence waiting and hoping to see life. Then all of a sudden a little flicker was seen. Tears began to stream down my face. My baby was alive! The baby that I have longed for since I was 5 was truly living inside me. All the worries of numbers and any other thought were diminished. We were staring at a miracle!

The doctor said that it was the most beautiful baby she has ever seen. I have to agree with her! It was the smallest baby with a heart beat that she had ever seen. She agreed that we truly were watching a miracle.

On the way into the room I ran into Sweet Doctor. He asked me how I was doing. I told him that I wasn't doing very well. He gave me a look and put his arm around me as I began to cry and tell him our fears. After the doctor was done she ran off to show everyone the little miracle of life that was inside of me. Sweet Doctor came right in and gave me the biggest hug. He said that today was the worst and best day in a long time! He couldn't stop talking about God's amazing miracle.

The Numbers...

I asked the doctor about those crazy numbers. She said that I could have had twins and lost one. That would have cost my numbers to go crazy. She also said that it could have been an error. Finally she said that she really had no clue what caused my numbers not to double. The numbers don't matter anymore. We saw a heartbeat. That brings any risk down to only 5%! She wants to really watch me and this little one closely. I will be having many more sonograms! Darn, I will have to see my beautiful baby again and again! August 9th at 2:30 is the next time! Grumps will get to go this time. By the way, when I sent him the page letting him know that we still have a baby and I saw the heart beat, he almost cried. He is SO PROUD!

Thank you all who prayed for us! Thank you for waking up in the night and early morning saying prayers. Thank you for the many emails and well wishes! Thank you S for taking phone calls and keeping everyone up to speed. Thank you D for being right there by my side. I know that it was just as hard for you as it was for me. Thank you K for celebrating this afternoon. But most of all THANK YOU GOD FOR KEEPING OUR BABY!!!!

We have a HEART BEAT!!!

My Sad Numbers

I finally got the phone all. My numbers didn't double. They barely moved at all. The doctor is concerned and so am I. I am going in for a sonogram tomorrow. At 6weeks 1day you should be able to see the baby's heartbeat.

Grumps has to work so I will be taking a friend.

Please pray for a miracle! God can do ANYTHING!!!

Heavy Heart!

My numbers didn't double! My heart is heavy. Thank you D for being there today! It totally helped.

Grumps has a VERY heavy heart too. I told him not to let the worry overtake him but to pray that this baby will LIVE AND NOT DIE!

Please pray for us tonight! This baby just has to make it!

Freak Out Night

It is amazing how your brain can go from one worry to the next in a blink of an eye.

This journey has been very hard. I found my faith to be stretched beyond what I thought was possible. You would think now that I have my baby inside of me I would feel at peace. I feel even more torn. I am trying very hard not to fear and worry and fret.

Today I have had that worry feeling all day. I have prayed and prayed. Nothing bad ever happened but doubt set in. I hate doubt!!! My doctor's office called letting me know that my blood test was great. Numbers are up. Progesterone good. I was all smiles. Then she said, "The doctor would like for you to come in for another blood test tomorrow before you schedule your sonogram." I have already scheduled that appointment.

I freaked out! My mind went to bad thoughts. Maybe they saw something wrong and need to see more results. It was never ending in my head. I went to the message boards and posted. I went to my online friends and posted. I needed to know that everything was okay. I went to God and asked for peace and saving mercies for this baby.

My friends all believe that my doctor wants to keep a close eye on me. They want to make sure all is well and if not they want to be right there to try to fix it. My doctor friend told me that your numbers need to be at a certain level in order for them to see a heart beat on a sonogram. They might be checking that to make sure all is well. The doctor who asked for more bloodwork done is a different doctor who I did my first appointment with.

With all that being said and thought through I am better. It is just amazing how I used to freak out about not having kids. Now I freak out about the life inside of me.

I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO GOD!!!

Pregnancy Symptoms

Now that I am so far in this first trimester (HA! the journey is only beginning), I thought I would give you a run down of how I am feeling.

I am feeling GREAT!!!!

My biggest complaint would be my broken boobs. I swear that they are broken. I also believe that they have grown and turned into bricks. They are so heavy and hard that I wake up in the night hurting from laying on them. Hugs are a no no and so is Itsy sitting on my chest. My greatest fear about my body and this pregnancy is that my boobs will get so big that you will only see them and never my belly. My mom jokes that Grumps will have to walk beside me and hold them up. God and I had a moment last night. I begged Him to keep them at a normal size. Right now I am on the edge of normal and HUGE!!! I know, that is a vain request, but seriously who wants to buy a bra in a letter at the end of the ABC's?

I am tired. I just want to lay around in bed. Which I have been doing since my family left. I even took a very short nap yesterday.

HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!! I could eat this house if I would let myself. I eat and get full. An hour later I am ready to eat again. But you would all be very proud of me. I have been eating veggies and fruit more than anything else. I know many woman take on the idea that you can eat anything you want while you are pregnant. That might be true for some, BUT I have a feeling if I do that, I will be a HOUSE by the end of it all.

Here is Grumps' thoughts on my hunger and desire to eat:

"Sunny, when I get hungry like I am going to die, I just don't give in to it. I hold that hungry over until dinner time. You don't need to eat an hour before dinner. You can have some self control"

Here was my response:

"GRUMPS, WHO HAS THE BABY GROWING IN THEIR BELLY? WHO HAS A PLACENTA GROWING AND FLUID BUILDING? WHO HAS A BABY WITH ORGANS FORMING AND ARMS AND LEGS GROWING? I DON'T THINK IT IS YOU!"

Needless to say, I got out my pregnancy book that I just bought and showed him pictures. He was shocked. I then read to him about the need to eat and the hunger that will drive you nuts. He shut up after that. :)

I am having NO morning sickness or afternoon sickness or evening sickness. I am sure it could come since I am still very early but as of right now I feel great. I do get that blah feeling sometimes but I eat something small and drink a big glass of water. Water is my friend since wine left me a few weeks ago.

Lastly I think I am getting bigger. I don't want to yet. It is very early but my clothes are uncomfortable. It didn't help that my clothes were beginning to get that way before this little decided to move in. But this is where Grumps is super sweet. A few times a day, Grumps lifts my shirt and stares at my belly. He says, "Is it getting bigger yet?" Then he smiles. Yesterday he lifted my shirt and said, "Wow, I really think it is getting bigger! Your belly is growing! I can see it!" I am ready for the belly but really don't care for the "I am pregnant but look fat" stage!

Fingers crossed that feeling GREAT will last a LONG TIME!

*D this picture is for you!

Prayers

The journey to this little bean inside of me has been a hard journey. But I know we would have never made it here without the many prayers that have covered us. I don't think we can even grasp how many people have been praying for this little life inside my body.

Close friends

Family

Distant friends

Internet friends

Friends of friends

Friends of family

The list goes on and on. When I share my news it never fails that tears well up in both eyes. Mine because my dream is totally in the making. The other person's because their prayers have been answered.

Thank you all for praying for us. But I ask you to please NOT stop.

It is amazing how fears creep up into my head. I know that Grumps is carrying many himself. I told him what I do when they try to push into my head. I begin to thank God for this baby. I pray that He will protect it. That our baby will grow strong and healthy. I pray. The peace settles and my mind is cleared. Sometimes the peace lasts for the rest of the day. Other times, the fear moment comes back a few minutes later.

I know that many of you might think we are crazy for sharing our news with you so early. In fact back in the beginning days of this journey, my plan was to keep our news a secret for the first trimester. But after 3 1/2 years of trying and the world praying for us, I couldn't keep it a secret. Now if it were up to Grumps the secret would have been kept for as long as possible. I pushed to spread the word.

We need people to continue to pray for this life. I need everyone to believe with us that this baby or babies will grow to completion. So if you pray please pray for us. It doesn't have to be a long prayer. It can be just a few words. "God please keep this baby strong and healthy!"

Thank you for being part of this journey with us!

I Have a Secret...

that I just can't keep anymore.

Remember that high temperature and how I was going to test? Well that next morning my temperature was still up. I was SHOCKED. So I tested, not expecting much. I always take my test back to bed with me and then just roll over. I pushed my snooze button to see the inevitable. I just knew it would be that stupid single line. NOPE! I had two lines. I freaked out and couldn't believe it.

I turned my lamp on and started to shake in excitement. Grumps was getting ready for work in the bathroom. I have always had a plan on how I would tell him. I went digging into my closet for the Papa beanie baby that I bought him. I put the test with the bear on his pager and crawled back under the covers. My heart was beating so fast that it felt like I had just ran a marathon. The minutes tick by and he is still in the bathroom. I couldn't stand the wait any longer.

I ran into the bathroom with the bear and the test. He had no clue what I was doing . I told him that the bear's name was Papa and the test should that we were pregnant. He was so shocked that he just couldn't believe it. He told me that I should rely on the test. We have NEVER gotten a positive before. He hugged me and couldn't stop smiling.

All day I was in a fog. I took 2 more tests to confirm the news.

Grumps didn't want me to share our news. Of course I won out on that vote. I shared with a few close friends that day. Throughout the week I shared with a few others. My family arrived last week and we shared with them. I have a few others to share with tomorrow at church. Our last people to share with will be Grumps' family. We are going to visit them next Saturday in Canada.

I had my first doctor's appointment last week as well. My doctor was totally beside himself with the news. He confirmed the due date, March 20th. He also scheduled my first sonogram for August 9th!

I am still over the moon with the news. I am 5 weeks and 4 days along.

I now have a disclaimer for those of you who know my in laws. Please keep this news to yourself. We would hate for it to get all the way back to them before we could tell them in person. It would just kill my mother in law to know that she wasn't told by us. This is one reason I took so long to post. I wanted to tell those of you who I know in real life my news in person. I love seeing your faces light up with shock!

The Charting Game

I am back from my travels for awhile. I am very glad to be home. Not having alone time just about kills me. I have to work very hard to stay a nice person.

Now that I am back home I am playing the charting game. Have any of you played this game before? I check my temperature every morning and then plug it in to my chart on Fertility Friend. I then sit back and watch. I have ovulated FINALLY!!! Now I am in the 2 week wait. I am just shocked because my temperature is still up and today I should have started my period. Yes, you heard that right. Usually it does a nice little drop.

My hopes are trying very hard to stay under control. We didn't really optimize our baby making time this month. I feel Aunt Flow creeping up on me. My boobs also feel broken.

I HATE this stupid game~! I try very hard not to talk about it with others. It is like as soon as I speak my hopes or fears out loud during the this game time, the game ends with Aunt Flow. Tomorrow will be the big day. If my temperature is still up I will test. I am trying very hard to keep my mind off the game today.

Traveling

My traveling begins today!

I am looking forward to a busy summer. I won't have time to think about my body, cycle, or baby making timing. I have been very frustrated with my chart and everything that goes with that these days. Nothing is working the way it is suppose to work. There are days when I think that the time is here to get our groove on. But the next morning with my thermometer in my mouth proves me WRONG!

If you don't hear from me for a little while, just know that I am working hard to be normal!

The Advice Just Keeps On Coming

Now that I am fully trying again, the advice has started to pour in like the pre-Lupron days.

You would think that people would think before they speak. You would also think that they were smarter than they really are.

I had endometriosis. I was on an awful drug. I am trying to get my hormones leveled. I think I know what I am doing by now. BUT people still try to help with stupid words.

*Relax and it will happen.

*You know that stress will really mess up your body.

*Enjoy the ride and forget about the planning and work.

*Have sex and don't plan it.

*It will happen when it happens.

*Start working towards adopting.

*Then your mind will be off trying to get pregnant and onto adopting.

*A study was done on people who began adopting and got pregnant during the process.

SHUT UP!!!! I know that they are only trying to help. They want to feel like they are involved. They really want me to have a child. They continued to tell me that over and over again.

*You will be a wonderful mother.

*You need to be a mom some way some how.

So I know that they mean well but you would think that all the advice would stop now.

As I hugged everyone goodbye for the summer everyone told me that they hoped I had good news and a belly when school starts back. Now those are sweet words.

OH MY GOSH!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK LIKE TEN YEARS FROM NOW?
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Name?
AGE?
HIEGHT?
HOW MANY FRIENDS?
WHAT ACTIVITIES DO YOU DO?
YOUR APPEARENCE WILL ATTRACT	HOT GUYS
YOU WILL BE?	A LONLY TEACHER
YOU WILL HAVE?	NO KIDS
YOU WILL MARRY?	THE WHORE NEXT DOOR
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A Good Place

I am so in a good place. (D I took that from you! I am glad you are in a good place too!)

Last month I wasn't in a very good place. I felt so like I was falling apart. I felt like I was holding onto life by my finger nails. Since progesterone and time I feel like the old me is back.

Being in a good place is nice. My thoughts aren't consumed with maybes and wonders and woes. I can be around others with bellies and babies and not feel so... I am enjoying where I am. Of course I would love there to be more but right now I am good.

My summer vacation begins next week. It is packed full of trips and visits. It overwhelms but yet makes me excited. I won't have time to sit and wonder and freak myself out. Staying busy is the key.

Now if only my body would get the picture and realize that I am in a good place.

The Lapping

The lapping just has to stop. Seriously, it needs to stop.

Lapping: verb, a word meaning when a friend or acquaintance is expecting another child while you are still waiting for your first.

It amazes me how the news never changes how I feel. I smile. I reply to the email or conversation, or whatever with a nice fake, Congrats! I am so excited for you!

LIE

LIE

LIE!!!!

I really am not truly excited for them. I mean I am but I am not. Very mixed feelings. I get that "THIS IS NOT FAIR" message ringing in my ears. It really just blows my little mind.

One day, my baby will come. Until then, I will enjoy my wine!

She Has Arrived!

My lovely lady friend has arrived. She brought her friend Cramp with her too. When she first decided to show it was like I had gotten a bfp. I was smiling from ear to ear. I had to tell at least 4 people that she had arrived at that very moment.

Cramp decided to dig in hard.

It just feels good to have a clean slate. It would be wonderful if my ovaries got the message and started doing their job.

If you would like to celebrate with me, bust open a bottle of red wine and say a cheer to Aunt Flow and her friends!

Here She Comes!

I feel the knocking. I hear that she is coming. AF should be making her arrival VERY soon.

I went to the good ole doctor. I fell in love with this man who is usually is grumpy. He validated me TOTALLY. He let me know that I should be feeling bad. I should feel depressed. My body went through a major change over night.

The sweet doctor, that will be his name from now on, put me on progesterone. I had heard that it can drive your body and moods crazy. There is no way it can do any damage compared to Lupron.

I have to say that I am in love with this medicine. I feel like myself again. My moods are stable. My attitude is up. The hot flashes are gone. I am sleeping at night and feeling rested. I have normal cramps back. I feel AF making her presence known.

I am about to have a PERIOD!!!

Mother's Day

Just another day.

I don't celebrate this day. I don't go to church. I don't think about it. I just go about my business.

K, my neighbor, was so sweet and took me to a movie and lunch. It was a great way to get me out of my house.

Her and her husband had one of those weeks that most married couples enough. A CRAP WEEK! When she got home, her husband was a dork. Nothing new for me, but new for her. So she came over, had a moment, enjoyed some drinks, and sang her heart out with karaoke.

It is the best therapy ever! Drink and Sing!!!

Left and Right

Everywhere I turn or read or watch, there is someone who has lost a baby.

Close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, message board friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say. My heart just hurts. I have NO clue what it feels like. I don't ever want to know what it feels like.

On the flip side, there are pregnant women all around me.

Family, close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say here either but, "I am so excited for you!" My heart hurts for me. I have NO clue what it feels like. I would give it all to just experience that filling.

Life hurts and some days it SUCKS!

Rollercoaster

That would me, a constant rollercoaster. I am UP UP UP UP and then down down down down.

Poor Grumps. He doesn't know what to do.

Party of Five

Man, even in Party of Five, infertility was an issue.

Amazing how you miss things when you aren't in the moment.

Amazing how when you are there, in that situation, it is like a huge ringing bell. It is just shouting INFERTILITY~!!!

It is also amazing how there is such a bond with anyone who is in the same place as you.

I Want to Be Naughty!

What About Brian

Any of you watching What About Brian?

There is a character on the show on the show who is going through infertility. She just started hormone treatments to stimulate her ovaries.

The doctor told her of all the side effects. The way he listed them was pretty funny. "Of course there are major side effects. Hot flashes, mood swings...." He rolls his eyes and gives this awful look.

The woman has to give herself shots and is keeping all of this from her husband. Yes, a bad thing because it will eventually come out that she is a freak.

After a couple of injections, she goes to get into her car and it won't stop telling her that one of the doors is a jar. She freaks. She slams all the doors. She screams. She has a fit.

OH I CAN FEEL HER PAIN!!! We are all freaks! TOTALLY WACK JOBS!!!!

If you need a great laugh. If you need to feel connected. WATCH What about Brian!

Bring Back that Loving Feeling

It's gone gone gone, whoohooohoooo.....

I guess it is more of that normal feeling. Yes, we have talked about this before but it seems that I am just having issues. I just don't feel like me anymore. I am working hard to bring it back.

I am taking a mental health day from work.

I actually semi cooked dinner last night.

I did a little reading.

I have been listening to uplifting music.

I made a doctor's appointment.

My question is, how do you make yourself feel like yourself? HA! Seriously. I haven't a clue. I have been working hard not to let my mind slip to those dreaded thoughts of emptiness. I have tried to just keep my mind busy. I have done a lot of praying. Not just for me but for others. It just doesn't seem to be working the way that I want it too. Grumps is helpless. He just stands by and stares at me. He tries to just keep life moving.

It's funny the things you do to make yourself feel better. Yesterday I really wanted to make a dump cake. (They always help you when you are in the dumps.) But I knew that it would only make my butt jiggle more. So I cooked dinner and decided to make homemade rolls. The smell is so comforting. I also picked the dead flowers off my plant. HA! Sounds crazy but it was like therapy for me. Get read of the dead so the new can grow. Kind of like me. Get rid of the yuck so I can be me again.

What I did learn is that it takes time. I have a Gardenia plant that is slowly blooming. I mean, VERY SLOW. I have two flowers right now with many more buds that just aren't doing much. Last year my plant bloomed almost all at once. This year it just taking it's precious time. That is my life this year. It is just taking it's precious time.

BUT I am ready for that normal feeling to show up any day now!

No More

After lots of thinking and talking with friends, I have decided to disable my comment option. This blog is a sounding board for me. It is sort of a place of therapy for me. I can share my heart and thoughts and live it here, hoping to help others.

I feel that having my comment option on, gives way for a place for pity. I know that isn't what is intended but...

I still want to hear from you. I want to know that you are here. I just feel that for the time being, I need to make it just about me and my thoughts.

BUT I did create an email account just for this blog gracehopeandfaith@gmail.com. Please comment here, share your heart, or ask questions.

I hope you all understand and I don't lose my readers. I just need to do this for the time being.

My Favorite Toy

Yes, I said toy. I know, really bad. BUT it makes doing the deed the best EVER!

I discovered this little pleasure while buying different things on drugstore.com. I needed to spend a little more money for free shipping. I saw this little toy and couldn't resist.

Of course Grumps freaked as usual. But it isn't for him, but for me. I know that this is a little much for a blog BUT I decided that we all need a little help in this department. Especially those of us struggling with trying to conceive.

If you need a little more THIS is the toy for you!!!!

Friend Therapy

The other night I was in of friend therapy. I think my other friends were in need of it too. Of course wine had to be part of the cure.

We all talked about our lives. Where we were in them. How they aren't where we truly want them to be. How we all have an ache, longing, empty place. It felt good to just share our hearts

I am so thankful for my circle of friends. I am so thankful that I am not alone.

My Mind

My mind has been running on overtime these days. I have many people on my mind in different stages of their lives. I want to be there for them, hoping that it will take the pressure off of me and my own life.

I continue to think about my job and how I am not happy in it. I made a list of likes and dislikes the other day. It was sad to see that my dislikes out weighed my likes in a huge way. I don't want to live my life like that.

Yesterday I saw one too many families. It really began to drive me nuts. Then I started to think that this just can't be normal. I think about this way too much. I can't even begin to count the number of times I think about me and my life and babies and children and not having one and never having one and.... God please make it all just STOP!

Mother's Day is only a couple of weeks away.

On a good note, Grumps and I had a GREAT time last night. Yes, truly great time. I will share more details this week.

Finally thank you friend for hanging with me tonight. I know that it was to help you feel better but it helped me even more. Thank you for helping me sort through my crazy mind and being a sounding board.

The PERFECT Song

Thanks to Miss M, I found the song for me and my journey!

thought you'd be here

by Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now

Your mother and I

We're praying through our tears that somehow

We might hear your sweet cry

Have we waited too long

It's getting harder to be strong

Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing

I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme and melodies, child

And if you like dreaming

Your mother will make your imagination run wild

Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs

It's right down the hall

So we'll be close should you ever get scared

We'll come when you call

It's a room full of stories

Waiting to be told

Longing to behold

And if you like laughing

I'll plaint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear

And if you like living

Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow . . .

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf

I never knew I could miss someone I've never met

Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting

Red Wine: The New Love Potion

Instead of an ice pack this time I just drank 3/4 a bottle of red wine all by myself. It was a great love potion.

Now this morning, I needed an ice pack for sure in BOTH areas, my head and hoohoo!

A Heart Song

I was watching Tim McGraw's special from NBC the other night. I have fallen in love. But besides that I heard a song that I wish it could be mine. If you are feeling down and sad today, DON'T READ THIS!

My Little Girl

Verse 1:
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you, though you think you already know.
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

Chorus:
Beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

Verse 2:
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone.
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown.
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You!" in the moonlight at your door.
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More!".

(Repeat Chorus)

Verse 3:
Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand.
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
that makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man.
I know he'll say that he's in love.
But between you and me. He won't be good enough!

(Repeat Chorus)

Okay just reading this made me cry all over again. This will not being going on my iPod but for those who have little ones, I hope you put it on yours.

The Problem

I think I figured out the problem with me. It is nothing that I can fix but it is the root of it all.

EASTER!

I know that Easter is truly about power, grace, forgiveness, sacrifice, salvation, eternal life... In the world today it is made to be about family, fun, children, life... All of those things are wonderful but for someone who doesn't live near her family or has a family of her own it isn't fun.

Today I watched from a distance kids hunting for eggs, dad's playing with their kids, families laughing together. Grumps and I held hands, ate good food, enjoyed nature, played with our dog. All of our things are wonderful but we both felt what was missing.

Tomorrow at church that heaviness will be there for sure. When we go to lunch it will be there. When we go home and pull up into the neighborhood it will be there. I need to make tomorrow about what it really is about: God's amazing love for me. I need to get my eyes off of me and put it right back on Him.

Thank you for listening to my rambles.

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today. It drives me crazy how it hits me out of the blue. It began last night and has just creeped up on me all day.

I thought I was over all the pregnant bellies that I see from day to day. Nope. I thought today that I should start counting them. Keep a running count of how many I see in a day. Then I realized that doing so just shows that I am insane and love to drive myself crazy.

I teach children all day every day. I watch them grow and change but it blows me away how just seeing them outside a school setting can make me sad. Seeing their cute faces. Watching the look they have in their eyes when they are with their parents makes my heart drop.

The days of waiting are wearing on me. I thought about contacting the doctor. But I know what they will say, wait it out. I thought that one day my thoughts would move away from all of this. I thought I would 'grow out of it' but it seems to be futile. It is like a dark cloud that just hangs over my head. I try very hard not to let it show but I do have slip ups.

I throw out those words, thoughts, ideas, that let's everyone know I am different. I am childless. I am in my own world. I don't mean to do it. Really, I don't. It is as if the words have a mind of their own. As soon as they fall out of my mouth, I cringe. I want to retrack them but it is too late. So instead of apologizing and making it all the more awkward, I just ignore it all.

UGH I hate being like this. I hate the ups and downs. I HATE IT!!!!

We have an empty bedroom. It used to be the computer room. I decided to get a new computer and all that goes with it and move it downstairs. The plan has been to turn that little room into the nursery. I have it all planned out in my head. I keep seeing little things that I want to add to bring out the theme. BUT that thinking is getting old. It is making my heart heavy. So I decided to turn that empty room into a bedroom. We have another bed that is taking up precious storage room. When we make more room I can get that bike I have been wanting that I will probably never use.

I just have this feeling that I need to move on a little more. I need to stop all of this crap that goes on in my head. This self pity isn't very pretty. I want to break free from it all. I prayed today that God would either give me my desire or just take it away. The limbo of it all is driving me insane.

I hope I can turn this blog into something more than my bleeding heart. I have my other blog that is my lighter side but really, this blog needs to more or I shall put it to sleep.

I am turning my comment options off for this entry. I don't want or need a pep talk. Not that I don't want your thoughts or warm wishes, it just makes this entry even more a pity party. Thank you all who stop by and read. Who haven't stopped. Thank you for taking this journey with me. It would be really lonely without you by my side.

He Comes Next

Thanks to my dear friend Katie, I bought some good books the other day. These will not be going onto my stack of books listed on chickenhead.

You all know that sex hasn't been the best in a LONG time. Not only do the pressures of trying to conceive weigh heavily on both of us, for the past 3 years I have to add, but also the lovely drugs that have changed my body. The change feels so permanent. I know that it isn't but it sure has changed every fiber of me including our sex.

So sweet Katie sent me an email. Yes, I have many followers who don't comment, just email or tell me in person. She told me of these books that changed her life. She Comes First and He Comes Next by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.

I read the preface and the introduction. I am so into this book. He writes as if he is right there with you just sharing his heart. It is funny and yet serious. I know, I haven't read very far BUT he got me right away. I am reading, He Comes Next and I bought Grumps, She Comes First. We will see if he reads his. HE BETTER is all I have to say.

Not only did I buy those two books but two more. The other two are to be read after these. I won't even show Grumps because he would freak out on me. So you will have to come back for those on a later day.

If you need a little spark in your marriage go out and get these books. Or be like me and order them on Amazon.com.

THANK YOU KATIE and W!!!!

The Look

I can see the look in your eyes. I can still see the pain.

I wonder if I have that same look. Do my eyes tell my deepest secrets? Do they tell of my pain? Can people read me like I read you today?

I wish the pain wasn't still so fresh. I wish there was a way to make the hands of time to go quickly where the pain is dull and far away.

The look weighs on my heart. It eats at my soul.

Worry

I have a crazy problem. I worry. You might say, "That is normal, everyone worries." Yes they do worry but they don't worry like I do. I worry about everyone but me.

Last night I didn't sleep well. It didn't help that Itsy was right by my head making noises and panting. But the bigger reason was because I worried about a situation that really isn't big. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I worried about how the person would react. I worried about how it would come across. I played the talk in my head over and over again. Seriously, it isn't anything big but my brain makes it big.

It really drives me crazy how I let others and their opinions bother and worry me.

Worry is a crazy thing.

'Normal'

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't have issues. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn't have to be treated differently.

I hate the looks that I get. I hate how people don't know what to say. I do feel sorry for them for being in their situation but man, I feel stupid because I put them there.

Now that everyone is getting pregnant and passing me up, even lapping me, it is even worse.

I know that they care. If they didn't care they wouldn't be sensitive. They wouldn't worry about me but trust me, it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel like I don't fit in. The pity drives me crazy. It drips from their eyes and mouth. You can almost see it as it just oozes.

It is amazing how little things alter the normal life. How they alter a friendship or a circle of friends. It all just baffles me.

I WANT LIFE TO BE 'NORMAL'!!!!!

The Morning Cure

For the past 4 days I have gotten up to exercise. I decided that all I needed to do was quit hitting the snooze and playing on my computer and get up 10 minutes earlier. I can't believe how much better I feel in the morning. I don't have that hang over feeling from not sleeping well. I actually have energy.

I decided that I wasn't happy with how my body looked. All I did was complain about it. Grumps got very tired of hearing about it. SOOOOO after watching Sarah Jessica Parker look so good in Failure to Launch I knew I needed to take charge of something.

My chart is not going anywhere. My Aunt Flow might never show again. I have to turn things around somewhere. No more old woman body! I want my old body back.

Doing the Deed

Doing the deed hurts way too much! Boy, I need to have a few drinks in me for it to even consider it next time.

I think I need an ice pack now! I sure hope it was worth the pain.

Getting Back to Normal

Today the weather was just perfect. 70's and breezy. I got to pull out some cooler clothes. I actually felt naked not having long pants and a sweater on.

I took my kids outside to write under the tree beside my classroom. The sun warmed my spirit.

On my drive home I put the windows down, stuck my arm out and sang to my loud music. It felt so perfect. It felt so normal. It felt so good.

It has been a while since I felt 'normal'. Sleep hasn't been great and neither has life. Last night I slept so good. I woke up feeling so at ease. My temperature is beginning to look normal again. My hot flashes are dying down. I actually fell like doing the deed.

God is good. He sure knew that I needed this! Thank you for your prayers. Let's hope that this trend continues.

Another Angel

Another angel is in heaven.

Today another angel entered heaven. It's mommy and daddy were left here on earth. Their hearts are just so sad.

My friend I wish there were words to comfort you. Words to take away your pain. I wish a wipe of a hand could make all of this over, go away. There is nothing anyone can do. I just wish you didn't have to hurt. I wish you didn't have to experience despair. It is an ugly thing.

Rest in God's arms tonight. Rest in His strength. Curl up in His lap and sleep in His peace. Let Him carry your load. Let Him take away your pain.

Just remember, you are not alone, even if you feel like you are.

I love you!

When It Rains it Poors

This month has really been a dozy.

Grumps mom being sick.

Me having my own issues.

My brother's news...

Now a friend just had a miscarriage.

STOP with all the rough times!~

That's It...

My little brother and his wife are pregnant!

I quit!

Preggos and Sermons

Another Sunday, another morning filled with pregnant bellies everywhere. It seems that it is a sickness these days. I haven't seen this many bellies since trying to get pregnant first got tough. Even Grumps noticed it today. Pretty soon the nursery where I help out will be filled with new borns wailing away. At one moment I was in the presence of 4 pregnant ladies. Man it got overwhelming.

I have thought of taking a break from the nursery. Taking a break from it all. Grumps thinks it would be great to have our Sundays longer to just be lunch. That would mean cutting out Sunday lunch with friends. We have been having Sunday lunches for almost 2 years. It would also mean that those little ones that love me so will be missing me. I know that sounds crazy but there are at least two that really need me in the nursery. The really bad thing would be that when Grumps is gone I probably won't go to church. I won't have a reason to make me go. I have thought about this break over and over again for the past year.

I know, you all will say, "Do what is best for you. Take care of yourself. Give yourself a break." I am just not sure.

I think you will enjoy this little part of church today. Part of the sermon. The pastor was talking about reconciliation, being peace makers. He said that we need to be right with God. We need to abide in Him. I totally agree with all of that. Then he gave an illustration. We need to be intimate with God. He and his wife cultivated their relationship and strived towards intimacy. In doing so they created 3 beautiful girls. The girls are the fruit of the intimate relationship. The love that they have for each other.

With that being said, not having children shows how a relationship isn't intimate? I know that isn't what he meant but that is how it came off. Even Grumps heard it.

I know I have been very cynical these days. My attitude hasn't been the best. I am sure you are tired of my funk that I am in. I am sorry.

Today in the nursery the conversation was all about being pregnant and babies and what not. The typical conversation. I was bad and put a damper on it all with my problems. What a kill joy. But it did make me smile. I am awful these days. For those of you who temp, mine have leveled off for the past week. Maybe things are on the up for me!

Related

Have you been watching Related on WB?

It started out as a cute sister show. Now it is more of a drama. The oldest sister is going through a miscarriage. It is affecting her entire life, especially her marriage. I have never been through that but do know what hurt and longing feel like.

This week she found a dog on the sidewalk. Of course the dog had an owner. It was a foofoo dog. When the owners came to take it, she tried to trade furniture for it. She didn't want to lose anything else.

In the end her husband bought her a dog for her birthay. All that being said, I just love my dog. I know how she feels. Having an animal has taken a little bit of the void. Itsy keeps me busy. She gives me love. She is still not my miracle baby but it SOOOO helps.

The show does make you sad if you are going through infertility BUT it is nice to see characters on tv dealing with real life issues.

Grumps

When I got first met Grumps he had never been around children before in his life. He was so uncomfortable with them. I, on the other hand, LOVED kids. I knew that kids were my life.

Now that many years have passed Grumps has totally changed.

Tonight we babysat Little Bit, K's son. He actually is spending the night with us. Grumps turned into Super Dad. He fixed dinner, hot dogs and macci cheese. It was the best dinner ever.

The best part was watching Grumps teach him how to play hockey and shout, SCORE! They were so cute. Little bit would fall into Grumps lap and then they both would laugh and hug. MAN, that makes me desire to have children even more.

Grumps is going to be an amazing dad.

He is so wise and full of the desire to learn. He wants to impart that onto our children. Grumps plays hard. He loves to have a good time. He is the biggest kid! His heart is sensitive and caring. I want my children to learn from him. I want Grumps to be able to be a dad and to help me mold them.

I am amazed at Grumps tonight.

The Cure

The cure for the baby blues: stay busy, body and mind. When you are busy like that you don't have time to think about how much you wish you were pregnant or had a child.

Try it sometime!

Here

It is amazing how a busy life can take your mind off of where you are on this journey.

Until your hot flashes bring you back to reality!

The Long Road To Nowhere

I feel like I am going nowhere. I know that I am working towards a great goal. I know that I still have to wait and wait. My cycle still hasn't began. I keep feeling little knocks, pinches, bites, pms, HOT FLASHES.

All of this waiting has put me into a nice funk. I keep eating and mopping around. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I know that this is part of the journey but it is GETTING OLD!!!

The other day on my way to small group I told Grumps that if one more person in my close circle of friends gets pregnant I will have to just bow out for awhile I know that is selfish but I am at my wits end.