Nothing profound tonight. Just where I am, my thoughts rolling through my head.
Only because of God can I find peace in the midst of so much.
*The end of a year. Telling little ones goodbye after giving them all I know. It is always hard even when I begged for the year to be over when it had just begun.
*Celebrating new life in the midst of life hanging on by God's sovereignty. Holding a new born is such amazing joy. So is watching life come to a place of real life, what is important.
*Still in the midst of infertility after so long and having peace. I would rather be holding new life in my arms tonight. I would rather hear a little one call out my name in the late hours. I would give so much to see what my love and I create. BUT when life is barely holding on you realize what you have is great and full. Having a child isn't everything. It would be amazing but it doesn't complete or fill the void.
*Wanting to help others but not knowing how. I say the wrong words. I am sure I do the wrong things. Sometimes I would love to just shake them hoping to knock sense into them. BUT realizing you have been there at one time. Lost, helpless, desperate. I am not sure I can give anymore.
*Loving your husband so much but pushing him away all at the same time. How can he make it all right?
*Smiling when you want to cry.
*Pretending the world is as perfect as it will ever get.
Please no comments about how sorry you are, thinking of you, OR you amaze me. I would love to hear your ramblings though. Is your head full of them like mine?
I NEVER do this. I blog and don't even look at the numbers or dates. No blog birthdays or anything but when I logged on I saw my last post was 399. How fitting for my rambles to get a big number like 400.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Ramblings
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15 comments:
Lots to think about after reading this, Sunny ...
Something I heard this evening (and have been reading about) and that resonated with me in reading your post is that to live imperfectly, embracing the imperfection even, is to live fully and peacefully. I'm still figuring out what that means, but I think it's something really, really big.
Those are my thoughts. I enjoyed reading yours. Thanks.
Since you insisted, I won't tell you how awesome you are but instead tell you that I have hundreds of ramblings like that floating around my head. I've never dared to start a list, I'm scared I won't be able to start and scared of what would be on it.
But you do give me alot to think about this early morning
My ramblings are far less ethereal and high-minded than yours. They are (in no particular order): these shoes I'm wearing, I think they fit, but do they really; John Dear needs a haircut; my nose is itchy; I'm pretty sure my desk chair is too high and my desk too low, or something like that cause my knees are uncomfortable, oh, moved my legs, that's better. :)
Okay Sunny, you asked for it. ;-)
I am still trying to figure out how to live with imperfection, temporarily, because what I want is to have a child, and that is perfection. I can't try to *trick* my brain into thinking anything otherwise. It just doesn't work because it's not what my heart truly wants. Throughout this whole process I've pushed my husband away and he has pushed me away. And somehow, by the grace of God, I think we're slowly falling back into love again. I've never shared that with ANYONE, not even my husband. These feelings are very deep-rooted. I think infertility pushes a couple away *temporarily* because each individual has to deal with infertility in their own way. Now, if a couple is always perfectly on the same page, then more power to them, we weren't always that lucky...guess it's the difference between men and women.
It does get old putting on that smiling face when I hurt so deeply. And in that hurt I tried to give more and more, by volunteering for a cause, etc., but doing more and more won't bring a child in my life any faster. I've often thought that blogging about my life would make me feel better, make others feel better if they are going through the same thing, but blogging won't bring me a child any sooner.
Infertility hurts and the feelings associated with it can barely be put into words. We're here for you.
Oh, I always have tons of ramblings going through my head. At this time of day though, they tend to be more boring. Right now I am thinking about laundry and where to put my desk in the new house. It is mostly in the evening when I have more interesting rambling thoughts, after the tedium of the day is over.
I'm usually cluttered with thoughts that are seemingly conflicting, too. My worst times are when I'm caught off guard by sadness or anger or something regarding IF and I feel ashamed. I want to yell "No, I'm supposed to be done with these feelings." Yet, I want to give them space too. So, I hear you about the constant tape playing in your head...
Sunny,
My ramblings ramble far far -- into grief and back again and into hope -- moments of clarity, losing the peace and falling back into the darkness.
Will I make a difference in the world? Have I been mistaken? Who have I hurt unwittingly? Intentionally?
How can I live a more authentic life celebrating the power of what many call God.
I'm all about the ramble...
Happy #400! Isn't this what we are all striving for, centeredness and less awkwardness in all things. And forever seeking the only one who can fill us.
I know about the perfect, I know about the smiling, if only a friend like you were around when I needed it!
Hrm, all day long in my head today I am annoyed with myself for something I did yesterday. Someone in a roundabout but still direct way paid me a great compliment, and because I am such an awkward and self-conscious person I brushed it off with a roundabout but still rather direct complaint about the exact same thing that was being complimented.
And all day afterward, all day today, and probably all day tomorrow, all I want to do is go back and erase what I said and just tell the guy a simple thank you for being nice enough to send *any* kind words my way.
My head is full of worries, guilt, and self-doubt this week. I know by next week my mind will ease and I'll be able to sit back and enjoy but right now I seem to be a blubbering mess.
I read some profound thoughts in your post...
As for me, my head is always full of ramblings. Thankfully, blogs allow use to set the thoughts free.
My head is full of ramblings, but none so beautiful or poetic as yours. I miss you, I hope to see you on the 29th!
Also, I tagged you so get to work on your 6 words...
Hey Sunny! I know it's been a while, but yeah I have some random ramblings going on in my head at the moment...
*am I being a good christian?
*will I ever find love?
*should I be mad at my sis and stay that way?
*i hate work drama and being grown up HA HA
*how many true friends do I really have?
*do I like my new haircut?
*will I regret cutting all my hair off? (not really but to me yes I did LOL)
GEEZ reading back over this it sounds do dark! Yuck!!!
I have more ramblings than I thought...the joys of having a summer break as a teacher and wayyyyy to much time on your hands HA HA
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peach
I'm not in a place to give you any worthwhile support. However, I hope that it gives you some semblance of peace to know that you are not alone.
Beautiful post!
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