Saturday, April 15, 2006

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today. It drives me crazy how it hits me out of the blue. It began last night and has just creeped up on me all day.

I thought I was over all the pregnant bellies that I see from day to day. Nope. I thought today that I should start counting them. Keep a running count of how many I see in a day. Then I realized that doing so just shows that I am insane and love to drive myself crazy.

I teach children all day every day. I watch them grow and change but it blows me away how just seeing them outside a school setting can make me sad. Seeing their cute faces. Watching the look they have in their eyes when they are with their parents makes my heart drop.

The days of waiting are wearing on me. I thought about contacting the doctor. But I know what they will say, wait it out. I thought that one day my thoughts would move away from all of this. I thought I would 'grow out of it' but it seems to be futile. It is like a dark cloud that just hangs over my head. I try very hard not to let it show but I do have slip ups.

I throw out those words, thoughts, ideas, that let's everyone know I am different. I am childless. I am in my own world. I don't mean to do it. Really, I don't. It is as if the words have a mind of their own. As soon as they fall out of my mouth, I cringe. I want to retrack them but it is too late. So instead of apologizing and making it all the more awkward, I just ignore it all.

UGH I hate being like this. I hate the ups and downs. I HATE IT!!!!

We have an empty bedroom. It used to be the computer room. I decided to get a new computer and all that goes with it and move it downstairs. The plan has been to turn that little room into the nursery. I have it all planned out in my head. I keep seeing little things that I want to add to bring out the theme. BUT that thinking is getting old. It is making my heart heavy. So I decided to turn that empty room into a bedroom. We have another bed that is taking up precious storage room. When we make more room I can get that bike I have been wanting that I will probably never use.

I just have this feeling that I need to move on a little more. I need to stop all of this crap that goes on in my head. This self pity isn't very pretty. I want to break free from it all. I prayed today that God would either give me my desire or just take it away. The limbo of it all is driving me insane.

I hope I can turn this blog into something more than my bleeding heart. I have my other blog that is my lighter side but really, this blog needs to more or I shall put it to sleep.

I am turning my comment options off for this entry. I don't want or need a pep talk. Not that I don't want your thoughts or warm wishes, it just makes this entry even more a pity party. Thank you all who stop by and read. Who haven't stopped. Thank you for taking this journey with me. It would be really lonely without you by my side.