Fear

Last night I was laying in bed with thoughts running like crazy in my head. Fear had a dark blanket over me.

You think I would be totally excited about trying again for our miracle. I mean, I am. But I am also scared. The unknown is just so scary.

I never thought that I would say this but the past 9 months has been a blessing. Yes, it sucked, but it was such a safe place for us. There were no disappointments. No 'surprises'. There weren't any crying bathroom moments. It has been nice to be free from all the things that trying to concieve bring.

I don't want to have all the what ifs start in my head but they have. I try so hard not to consume myself with all of that but last night it just wouldn't shut up. I ended up laying there in the darkness talking to God.

"God, hold me tight. Don't let me go. I am scared. Alone. I need you more than ever. Hold me tight. I am shaking on the inside. Fear is taking over me. I need you. I need your strength. I need your peace. I need you to hold me tight. Hold me tight. Oh please hold me tight."

I have prayed that prayer a million times in the past 3 years. But each time seems like the first time.

I did finally fall asleep. I don't even remember doing it. Grumps had come in late for bed with Itsy. We talked. He got into bed. Itsy cuddled with me and then off to sleep I went. I thank God for holding me tight last night!