Sunday, October 21, 2007

Your Haunting Memories

In IF what are the memories that haunt you?

I have a few...

I feel like I have had sex with an elephant after my lap. I hear my doctor tell me as I am coming out of it all, "I am sorry to say, this is the worst endo I have ever seen." WOW my breath was gone!

The day that ended it all, there was no heartbeat. Then to have it confirmed. I couldn't even look at the screen. Grumps stayed on the other side of the room afraid to look at me or the screen. I told the tech, "We know there won't be a heartbeat. We just need it confirmed." The tech's face said it all with each snap on the machine.

Finally the day which really sticks out is having Grumps finding me in the bathtub with no water crying hysterically on our baby's due date.

What are your haunting memories?

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling blue. This morning, not so blue. I couldn't leave it on a blue note.
Of course I have good memories too.

Finding support and community in a way I never thought possible in all areas of my life.

Seeing Pregnant for the first time. I jumped around the house for hours whispering the words.

The day Grumps and I dtd in the car on the way home from wine tasting. When we were finished I stuck my feet out of the car and lifted my butt to make sure I was elevated.


DD said...

I cried and laughed within seconds on this post. All of our lives are full of these kinds of moments.

One of my worst moments was realizing that something was very wrong with the baby when my doctor couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler when a week earlier he did easily.

The best is realizing how badly my husband really wants to have another baby even though he's never said in those exact words. His actions have said it all.

Meghan said...

LOVED your last memory there!!

PCOSMama said...

I loved the last memory too! It's great that such a difficult thing can also create happy memories!

I'm one of the lucky ones... I've been blessed with wonderful reminders of my journey. However, to this day I can clearly recall the feeling each time I got a negative test. And the complete hopelessness when the docs said this would be our last chance before we'd have to consider IVF.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Sigh. Unfortunately we all have way too many to choose from, but one that stands out and haunts me to this day is the look of defeat in my husband's eyes when we found out our last IVF treatment was a BFN.

I don't want to end this comment on a downer, so let me add that we've been able to make our marriage stronger as a result of all we've faced together.

Fertilize Me said...

I can't stop imagining the feet dangling out the window for elevation!! pricelessly funny!

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

Hmmm... very thoughtful...

I remember waking up at 2am with excruciating pain, not knowing WHAT was up, and passing out twice on the way to the kitchen for medicine. Knowing J was 6 hours away on a rough-it hunting trip TOTALLY out of cell range... And having to deal with it myself. (ruptured corpus luteal cysts!)

Another memory is J and I, our first month trying, being in NYC at a swanky hotel during my "peak" time... and just KNOWING we were making a baby. Such excitement! (even though we weren't!)

niobe said...

The most haunting memory for me is going in for the "big" ultrasound and being told by the tech that one of the twins was a girl and the other was a boy. I was so happy for about three minutes, until the doctor walked into the room and started filing me in on all bad news.

Kim said...

Lifting your butt in the car is a sign of pure dedication. :O)

Wordgirl said...

I love the image!

I think the ludicrous-ness of our first joint visit to the clinic for an insem -- when I went in the room with him..and we giggled, kind of horrified in the completely non-sexy room with the muffled conversations going on...we were laughing...the little revelations my husband comes up with during the TWW, working out the genetics in bed -- imagining that the baby would have his ears...and suddenly in that moment I realize he's invested too...

FattyPants said...

I have a few that haunt me, but really the biggest was getting the phone call from the clinic that my beta had started to fall. Until then I don't think I really understood what it felt like to have a broken heart.

Also seeing my husband cry after he held a baby once just destroyed me.

But there is good in everything right?

Our trips to see if we could make a vacation baby were fun. Full of wine and love.

And really the image of my dh stretching like he was getting ready to run a mile before he gave the last IUI sample is stuck in my head.

lub said...

The last one is awesome. It truly shows how important this is to all of us.

Trish said...

the stillness on the u/s screen that had only a few days earlier revealed a beating heart.

and the way my husband held me, then crawled in bed with me and held me and we cried.. then we both slept a long time. He never naps.. but we were both just wrung out.. it was all we could do..

"PREGNANT" on the HPT. After we were told we were going to miscarry the first time, we had an u/s a week later and saw the heartbeat. While it didn't turn out well later, in that moment.. utter joy..