No More

After lots of thinking and talking with friends, I have decided to disable my comment option. This blog is a sounding board for me. It is sort of a place of therapy for me. I can share my heart and thoughts and live it here, hoping to help others.

I feel that having my comment option on, gives way for a place for pity. I know that isn't what is intended but...

I still want to hear from you. I want to know that you are here. I just feel that for the time being, I need to make it just about me and my thoughts.

BUT I did create an email account just for this blog gracehopeandfaith@gmail.com. Please comment here, share your heart, or ask questions.

I hope you all understand and I don't lose my readers. I just need to do this for the time being.

My Favorite Toy

Yes, I said toy. I know, really bad. BUT it makes doing the deed the best EVER!

I discovered this little pleasure while buying different things on drugstore.com. I needed to spend a little more money for free shipping. I saw this little toy and couldn't resist.

Of course Grumps freaked as usual. But it isn't for him, but for me. I know that this is a little much for a blog BUT I decided that we all need a little help in this department. Especially those of us struggling with trying to conceive.

If you need a little more THIS is the toy for you!!!!

Friend Therapy

The other night I was in of friend therapy. I think my other friends were in need of it too. Of course wine had to be part of the cure.

We all talked about our lives. Where we were in them. How they aren't where we truly want them to be. How we all have an ache, longing, empty place. It felt good to just share our hearts

I am so thankful for my circle of friends. I am so thankful that I am not alone.

My Mind

My mind has been running on overtime these days. I have many people on my mind in different stages of their lives. I want to be there for them, hoping that it will take the pressure off of me and my own life.

I continue to think about my job and how I am not happy in it. I made a list of likes and dislikes the other day. It was sad to see that my dislikes out weighed my likes in a huge way. I don't want to live my life like that.

Yesterday I saw one too many families. It really began to drive me nuts. Then I started to think that this just can't be normal. I think about this way too much. I can't even begin to count the number of times I think about me and my life and babies and children and not having one and never having one and.... God please make it all just STOP!

Mother's Day is only a couple of weeks away.

On a good note, Grumps and I had a GREAT time last night. Yes, truly great time. I will share more details this week.

Finally thank you friend for hanging with me tonight. I know that it was to help you feel better but it helped me even more. Thank you for helping me sort through my crazy mind and being a sounding board.

The PERFECT Song

Thanks to Miss M, I found the song for me and my journey!

thought you'd be here

by Wes King

We thought you'd be here by now

Your mother and I

We're praying through our tears that somehow

We might hear your sweet cry

Have we waited too long

It's getting harder to be strong

Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing

I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme and melodies, child

And if you like dreaming

Your mother will make your imagination run wild

Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs

It's right down the hall

So we'll be close should you ever get scared

We'll come when you call

It's a room full of stories

Waiting to be told

Longing to behold

And if you like laughing

I'll plaint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear

And if you like living

Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow . . .

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf

I never knew I could miss someone I've never met

Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting

Red Wine: The New Love Potion

Instead of an ice pack this time I just drank 3/4 a bottle of red wine all by myself. It was a great love potion.

Now this morning, I needed an ice pack for sure in BOTH areas, my head and hoohoo!

A Heart Song

I was watching Tim McGraw's special from NBC the other night. I have fallen in love. But besides that I heard a song that I wish it could be mine. If you are feeling down and sad today, DON'T READ THIS!

My Little Girl

Verse 1:
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you, though you think you already know.
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

Chorus:
Beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

Verse 2:
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone.
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown.
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You!" in the moonlight at your door.
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More!".

(Repeat Chorus)

Verse 3:
Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand.
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
that makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man.
I know he'll say that he's in love.
But between you and me. He won't be good enough!

(Repeat Chorus)

Okay just reading this made me cry all over again. This will not being going on my iPod but for those who have little ones, I hope you put it on yours.

The Problem

I think I figured out the problem with me. It is nothing that I can fix but it is the root of it all.

EASTER!

I know that Easter is truly about power, grace, forgiveness, sacrifice, salvation, eternal life... In the world today it is made to be about family, fun, children, life... All of those things are wonderful but for someone who doesn't live near her family or has a family of her own it isn't fun.

Today I watched from a distance kids hunting for eggs, dad's playing with their kids, families laughing together. Grumps and I held hands, ate good food, enjoyed nature, played with our dog. All of our things are wonderful but we both felt what was missing.

Tomorrow at church that heaviness will be there for sure. When we go to lunch it will be there. When we go home and pull up into the neighborhood it will be there. I need to make tomorrow about what it really is about: God's amazing love for me. I need to get my eyes off of me and put it right back on Him.

Thank you for listening to my rambles.

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart today. It drives me crazy how it hits me out of the blue. It began last night and has just creeped up on me all day.

I thought I was over all the pregnant bellies that I see from day to day. Nope. I thought today that I should start counting them. Keep a running count of how many I see in a day. Then I realized that doing so just shows that I am insane and love to drive myself crazy.

I teach children all day every day. I watch them grow and change but it blows me away how just seeing them outside a school setting can make me sad. Seeing their cute faces. Watching the look they have in their eyes when they are with their parents makes my heart drop.

The days of waiting are wearing on me. I thought about contacting the doctor. But I know what they will say, wait it out. I thought that one day my thoughts would move away from all of this. I thought I would 'grow out of it' but it seems to be futile. It is like a dark cloud that just hangs over my head. I try very hard not to let it show but I do have slip ups.

I throw out those words, thoughts, ideas, that let's everyone know I am different. I am childless. I am in my own world. I don't mean to do it. Really, I don't. It is as if the words have a mind of their own. As soon as they fall out of my mouth, I cringe. I want to retrack them but it is too late. So instead of apologizing and making it all the more awkward, I just ignore it all.

UGH I hate being like this. I hate the ups and downs. I HATE IT!!!!

We have an empty bedroom. It used to be the computer room. I decided to get a new computer and all that goes with it and move it downstairs. The plan has been to turn that little room into the nursery. I have it all planned out in my head. I keep seeing little things that I want to add to bring out the theme. BUT that thinking is getting old. It is making my heart heavy. So I decided to turn that empty room into a bedroom. We have another bed that is taking up precious storage room. When we make more room I can get that bike I have been wanting that I will probably never use.

I just have this feeling that I need to move on a little more. I need to stop all of this crap that goes on in my head. This self pity isn't very pretty. I want to break free from it all. I prayed today that God would either give me my desire or just take it away. The limbo of it all is driving me insane.

I hope I can turn this blog into something more than my bleeding heart. I have my other blog that is my lighter side but really, this blog needs to more or I shall put it to sleep.

I am turning my comment options off for this entry. I don't want or need a pep talk. Not that I don't want your thoughts or warm wishes, it just makes this entry even more a pity party. Thank you all who stop by and read. Who haven't stopped. Thank you for taking this journey with me. It would be really lonely without you by my side.

He Comes Next

Thanks to my dear friend Katie, I bought some good books the other day. These will not be going onto my stack of books listed on chickenhead.

You all know that sex hasn't been the best in a LONG time. Not only do the pressures of trying to conceive weigh heavily on both of us, for the past 3 years I have to add, but also the lovely drugs that have changed my body. The change feels so permanent. I know that it isn't but it sure has changed every fiber of me including our sex.

So sweet Katie sent me an email. Yes, I have many followers who don't comment, just email or tell me in person. She told me of these books that changed her life. She Comes First and He Comes Next by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.

I read the preface and the introduction. I am so into this book. He writes as if he is right there with you just sharing his heart. It is funny and yet serious. I know, I haven't read very far BUT he got me right away. I am reading, He Comes Next and I bought Grumps, She Comes First. We will see if he reads his. HE BETTER is all I have to say.

Not only did I buy those two books but two more. The other two are to be read after these. I won't even show Grumps because he would freak out on me. So you will have to come back for those on a later day.

If you need a little spark in your marriage go out and get these books. Or be like me and order them on Amazon.com.

THANK YOU KATIE and W!!!!

The Look

I can see the look in your eyes. I can still see the pain.

I wonder if I have that same look. Do my eyes tell my deepest secrets? Do they tell of my pain? Can people read me like I read you today?

I wish the pain wasn't still so fresh. I wish there was a way to make the hands of time to go quickly where the pain is dull and far away.

The look weighs on my heart. It eats at my soul.

Worry

I have a crazy problem. I worry. You might say, "That is normal, everyone worries." Yes they do worry but they don't worry like I do. I worry about everyone but me.

Last night I didn't sleep well. It didn't help that Itsy was right by my head making noises and panting. But the bigger reason was because I worried about a situation that really isn't big. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I worried about how the person would react. I worried about how it would come across. I played the talk in my head over and over again. Seriously, it isn't anything big but my brain makes it big.

It really drives me crazy how I let others and their opinions bother and worry me.

Worry is a crazy thing.

'Normal'

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't have issues. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn't have to be treated differently.

I hate the looks that I get. I hate how people don't know what to say. I do feel sorry for them for being in their situation but man, I feel stupid because I put them there.

Now that everyone is getting pregnant and passing me up, even lapping me, it is even worse.

I know that they care. If they didn't care they wouldn't be sensitive. They wouldn't worry about me but trust me, it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel like I don't fit in. The pity drives me crazy. It drips from their eyes and mouth. You can almost see it as it just oozes.

It is amazing how little things alter the normal life. How they alter a friendship or a circle of friends. It all just baffles me.

I WANT LIFE TO BE 'NORMAL'!!!!!

The Morning Cure

For the past 4 days I have gotten up to exercise. I decided that all I needed to do was quit hitting the snooze and playing on my computer and get up 10 minutes earlier. I can't believe how much better I feel in the morning. I don't have that hang over feeling from not sleeping well. I actually have energy.

I decided that I wasn't happy with how my body looked. All I did was complain about it. Grumps got very tired of hearing about it. SOOOOO after watching Sarah Jessica Parker look so good in Failure to Launch I knew I needed to take charge of something.

My chart is not going anywhere. My Aunt Flow might never show again. I have to turn things around somewhere. No more old woman body! I want my old body back.