8 Things About Me

I have been tagged by sweet Jill!

The Rules are:
-Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.
-The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.
-At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. I have a slight OCD issue. I HATE having dirty hands. I don't mind germs. I work with little kids. I could careless about using hand sanitizer. BUT I hate having anything on my hands besides lotion. When I cook I rinse my hands and use a million paper towels. Dirty hands just drive me NUTS!

2. I come off as super secure and confident. Well, I hide the fact that I can be very insecure. I worry what others think of me. I kick myself in the butt after meeting someone or saying too much. I wish I could just walk away confident that I was me and who cares what was thought about me. STUPID!

3. I was a virgin when I got married. YEP! Are you shocked? I fooled around here and there but never went all the way. Grumps was a virgin too. THAT is not a shocker if you know him.

4. I am terrified of heights. Once Grumps took me on a free fall ride. I freaked out. I freaked out so bad I started to cry and cried for a while after the ride was over.

5. I have a telephone phobia. I HATE calling people. As I have gotten older I have worked on getting better. When I was younger I would work myself up into a freak attack before calling for an appointment. I would refuse pizza if I was made to make the call. At back to school night I let the parents know about my fear and explain how email works wonders. HA! Know that when I call you, you are really liked!

*This is getting hard!

6. I will watch anything on tv. I am completely addicted to television. I have to try a show at least once before writing it off. This week I tried Shaq's show for fat kids to lose weight. I TiVoed it as a joke. I LOVE the show. I found myself cheering for the kids and crying as they told their sad stories. I don't watch comedies very often but will give on a shot if it looks good. If you ever need to know about a show, give me a call especially reality tv.

7. I have been to 17 countries including the good ole USA! These are not just airport stops, that would be cheating, but actual over night trips. Many of them were trips for a month as a teenager. Most of the places are where tourists with money NEVER go. I even got to visit many of the wonders of the world. Some of the places required living out of a backpack and wearing the same underwear more than once. Even one of the places I lived for 2 years, the armpit of South America. There are many more places I hope to visit one day. I hope my list can keep growing.

8. FINALLY we are at the end! My life is an open book. I have a problem with not having secrets. I am a good keeper of other people's secrets but not my own. I will talk about anything to the point it makes others uncomfortable. I just can't help myself. Grumps hates it when I start telling stories or talk about my poop. After I have downed a few drinks it only gets worse. BUT it is me. I can't change that!

There you have it! 8 interesting or not things about me. Now it is your turn. If you haven't done this yet and shared your soul IT IS YOUR TURN!!!

Need a Good Cry?

I sure do! Watching this video gave me the release I needed. Beware, you will need a private moment while watching.



Today was Infertile Hell for me! I had a lunch date with friends. One of the girls I haven't seen in a very long time. She is pregnant. I am so happy for her but it just kills thinking about it. You know, life isn't fair and all that jazz. Well in order to deal with pregnant people I have to buy gifts. It helps me let them know even though I might not ask questions or talk about her pregnancy I do care.

While shopping for the gift I went into a kid's store that has a small book collection. First big mistake. There were strollers EVERYWHERE. I couldn't make it down any aisles because of all the children. Some were screaming, others were playing with all the toys. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My stomach was all upset during that moment. I moved on and more strollers appeared. It was like a very bad dream. Then big pregnant bellies began to surround me. All I could think about was "I sure look cute today. What drink will I have when I get home." I truly wanted to crawl in a hole.

Lunch went well but she looked too perfect. You know the one, perfect little belly, perfect tan, perfect everything. I had a margarita to help ease the pain. She looked at it longingly. Of course I gave my ten cents on stores to shop and online websites. Yep STUPID ME. Everyone looked at me with sad eyes. I know too much for not having children.

It was a good time with everyone but I was looking forward to home. My eyes became misty as I drove home. I couldn't stop seeing her little belly in my head. How she touched it and talked about the day they will find out if it is a girl or boy. I will be okay but the day really was just as bad as a baby shower.

Then I read a blog and find the song. It really touched my heart. I am not alone. I felt like it today but I know I am not. I hope it gave you a good cry. Sometimes we just need it!

Dump Cake

I am hearing requests for the recipe. I would LOVE to share my secret day in the dumps cake!

Here are the ingredients:

Remember you can change up the fruit. I have heard of using blueberry pie filling and pineapple. Apple pie filling and cherries. You can dump what you like! I love cherries and pineapple because of the tart taste.

Add the fruit into a pan (I can't remember the size. HA! Not the big 9 x 12 or whatever and not a 8x8. You want to have it a little deep but not too deep because the butter will kill you if it isn't spread out a bit.) Then add the cake mix evenly. Melt two sticks of butter and pour on top. Some people cut it up and lay it on top. I like it melted so that it soaks in more easily.

Heat at:


Until it is nice and golden brown. It usually takes 30ish minutes. My hint is when I can start to smell it!!!

There you have it, Dump Cake!!!! I like to eat my at room temperature. Grumps likes his HOT! Adding ice cream is a winner too!


Let me know when you make it and you need a friend to dump with!!! I'll bring the wine!

*Edited to say that one stick of butter equals a half a cup. SO 2 sticks of butter equals one cup for my metric friends!

Let's Celebrate

Today is Cake Day in honor of Mel the Town Crier. Her blog has turned a year old.

If you have never been to Mel's blog OH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!! She is totally amazing. Her ideas have changed the infertility blog world forever. I am so thankful for all she does to help make this stupid journey as fun as it can be! CHEERS to Mel!!!

I didn't make the traditional cake with yummy frosting. Instead I made my usual. It is the cake that has stuck by my side in the good and really bad times. You know my life SUCKS when I make this cake. BUT today it doesn't suck. I just had to honor my trusty cake friend as well.

DUMP CAKE!!!!


I have already had a bowl and plan to share some with my Hannah's Hope group tonight.

My Summer Goals

Now that I am back from Tampa helping my mom with my 9 month old nephew (another post for another day) my summer vacation can officially begin. I have spent most of my day in bed reading 100's of blogs, trying to get my commentathon pledge in, and watching my Netflix movies and TiVo.

Each summer I make a mental list of what I want to accomplish. Last summer everything changed when I found out I was pregnant. My list went to pot. Then of course the miscarriage at the very end of the summer. I felt very jilted. I wanted my summer back. SOOOO this summer I am going to do just that. I want to enjoy every stinking minute to help make up for last year. Of course Grumps has plans of his own. I will try to work them in but he knows summer is MY TIME!

Here is my very small list so far. I am sure I will add more. I will work hard to accomplish this list as well.

* Learn to drink beer! Yep, you heard it right. I want to learn to drink beer. There is a beer festival coming to town right down the road from me. I want to attend and so does Grumps. It won't be fun if I don't drink the beer. I think this is doable. I taught myself how to drink wine, with the help of many friends, why not beer. So if you have any suggestions on beer I will like or any tricks to get it down, please let me know! This will not be a dry summer! I will have a dry fall when I start my next IUI.

* Clean out the closets. YEP not a fun one on the list. This was on the list last summer. It never happened. Our guest closets and linen closet are full of crap. I am embarrassed when we have guests come and there is no room for their things. I hope to accomplish this soon so it doesn't hang over my head all summer.

* Get a kicking tan at K's pool! No explanation needed there!

* Go on short little trips with friends. I say this every summer and it doesn't happen BUT why not put it on the list again and hope for the best. Wait, I can't say it never happens. The trips with D just don't happen. HA! *edited to say I meant our little summer trips we say we will take like to the beach or a winery. *

* Meet up with the VA/DC/MD bloggers. I have missed both times. NOT NEXT TIME! At least I hope not next time.

* Read a couple of books. I have a HUGE pile of books beside my bed. Many are borrowed. I love to read but TiVo and my laptop usually take presidence. When I find out how to read and play on the internet at the same time I will let you all know.

* Start back on my walks. It got cold with snow. I got Mono. The walking stopped. Now I have a nice chunk chunk that needs to go bye-bye. Grumps told me that I should take the dog for a walk today. Yep, there's a hint.

* RELAX!

I know my list isn't amazing. Nothing really thought provoking. I just want to have a good time this summer without regrets!

Side note! My cake for Mel's Cake Day is in the oven and smelling YUMMY!!! Those who know me well know exactly what cake I am baking! My cake post will come soon!

My Brain and the Thoughts that Come Out of It!

It is late! I should be in bed but I just can't stop! Grumps is gone this week for work. I am heading out to Tampa tomorrow.

WOW TAMPA is all I keep hearing. WOW THE BEACH! Ummmm nope I am going to help my mom take care of my little nephew. Yep the little one born right after my miscarriage. I love the little booger but I want my own little one. I am trying to be strong this week. I hope he is just a pain so I will feel better about it all. This is not the way I wanted to start my summer vacation.

I called my dad on Father's Day. YES I was a good daughter. On Mother's Day I just sent my mom a text message. She did get a card and gift but I just couldn't make the call. My dad chatted my head off. He said he might show up later in the week to 'help' with the little man. He said he wanted to see me but also really wanted to see his new and only grandson. He goes on and on about the brag book my mom bought him. He was just in love with sharing his pictures. I teared up and really wanted to say, "SHUT UP! Don't you realize I am sad?" Instead I said, "How sweet!" And then made funny faces to Grumps!

Preggos are popping up everywhere! Baby talk is all around me. I am holding strong!

D is thinking of a dry summer! I told Grumps about it. Guess what he said? "You should try that too!" WHATEVER! It is my summer to have fun. If I want to drink I will drink because I CAN DRINK!!!! He needs to just shut up or become a woman in my shoes. HA!

Schools out for SUMMER! But all I can think about is next year. Yep that is what happens to teachers. We never stop thinking about work. It just doesn't go away.

I need to go finish packing, take a shower (I STINK!) and go to bed. If I am not around much you know where I am. WORKING ON MY TAN!

*Sorry for the all caps words! I am tired and can't help being dramatic!

Posts that Hit Home

I am not sure many have seen this recent addition to my blog, Posts that Hit Home. It is located on my sidebar towards the bottom.

Google Reader has a function where you can share the posts onto your blog. I LOVE THIS!~ There have been many times I have read a post that has just touched my heart. I am too lazy to blog about it so now I can just click, share, and there it is.

If you want a good read, take a peak at some great posts!

Comments

I love reading blogs. I love commenting on them. I LOVE receiving comments. But I don't want it to stop there. I want to thank you for the comments. Answer your questions. Send out a shout out. BUT there is a problem. I hate commenting a reply to my comment onto your blog. I would rather hit reply and send a quick note to your email.

I know, a selfish request but really it makes it so much easier to check on others and see how you are doing when you aren't blogging.

So here is the deal, if you don't have an email attached to your blog get one. I have a million email accounts. One is for my personal email with Grumps. Then I have an email for adds and whatever. Of course I have a work email and a couple others for no reason at all. Yes, it seems I have an email problem. Finally I have my blog email, gracehopeandfaithatgmaildotcom.

If you need an invite for gmail just let me know and I will send you one. I just love the little emails back and forth that can happen if you had a blog email address.

D I LOVE YOU!

Thanks for the phone call!

Having drinks and laughing it up while being FAT was the best night ever.

AF always sucks so toasting to her makes it MUCH better.

I LOVE YOU!

Full of my new favorite word!

I am done! DONE WITH IT ALL! I don't want pity I just have to yell

I AM DONE! DONE WITH HOPE! DONE WITH IT ALL!

Today is day 30 of my cycle. Ladies I NEVER go that long. Okay there have been a couple of months. So I wasn't going to test but I couldn't help myself. I was full of hope. All month I haven't even thought about being pregnant. I barely tried. I would check my chart once in a blue moon and then move on. NO HOPE! I just didn't care. I am trying to enjoy where I am.

BUT it all started yesterday. I was expecting my cycle to start. NOPE it didn't happen. I was shocked. I went to bed thinking about being pregnant. Thinking, WOW it would be a miracle. It must be all the dang vitamins and what not that I am on. It must be doing the deed twice in one day. That just doesn't happen. I try to stay grounded but I wake up early consumed by it. AF still isn't here. I even got like 5 emails in the past couple of weeks telling friends to pray for me or whatever. I thought, "It must be for my baby." NOPE it must be for me getting the freaking B**ch!

I go to a 1 year birthday party FULL OF HOPE! I am even wearing the necklace. I had checked when I would be due before I left the house. I had sworn to never do that again. I am so full of hope by the time that I leave the party, I stop and buy I f'ing test!

Big FREAKING FAT NEGATIVE!

I AM DONE!

I will not even mark on my chart when AF shows anymore. I will mark it down somewhere to remember the date but no more counting days or weeks. This summer is about me. I will enjoy my freedom and life to the max. Screw trying to get pregnant. I am over it this month!

Can you tell I am so done with all this sh*t? There, I said it! My favorite word!

Just Give it Time

Here is the song from my "Trying Hard" moment. It all has to get better, no matter how it ends. There has to be an ending. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Just Give it Time by JON MCLAUGHLIN
still waters and heavy hearts,
and plans we made all fell apart,
disillusioned and lost in the grace
and how can we fix the heart when it breaks,
you don't know how much more you can take,

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright just give it time, give it time

quiet landslide that nobody knows,
regretted decisions that nobody chose,
under water, sinking fast
and no way out, no way to get back
what might have been is lost in the past

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright
just give it time

(and the web your in?)
and still you give
it all fades out,
you reached the end
your giving in now, now

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright
just give it time, yea time

*Okay it is super late. I am going to kick myself in the morning for staying up so late searching for a stupid audio/video clip of this song. Oh well... I give up! Enjoy the words!

Book Tour #4 Waiting for Daisy

To be very honest, I never got to finish the book. I know, I am a bad book club member. I don't know what I was thinking signing up at the very end of the school year. BUT I did read and skim through most of the book. It was interesting reading the journey of Peggy Orenstein. Our journeys are different but infertility is the bottom line. Here are my thoughts on some of the questions given.

I was really touched by the visit to the Jizo garden for Peggy to honor the baby she lost. What ritual helped you in the healing process after you experienced a loss?

This may sound crazy but right after my miscarriage the major part of my healing process was taking baths with 'crying' music. I needed an outlet to cry and grieve in private. I was so hurt and wasn't sure anyone could understand. I didn't want to be seen crying. I would weep in my bath.

I then began to take early morning walks to cry out before God or just flat out cry and be angry before I went to work. It was the only way I could get myself in the right frame of mind to be 'normal' at work. As the weeks went on I was able to turn that energy towards praying for all of my pregnant friends. It was like I was able to let go.

Finally I would talk to my little angel. I would talk to others who were going through it. I didn't want to just think, "Well I was pregnant once." I wanted to remember my little one and how I felt while I carried 'her'. I also would repeat the due date over and over again in my mind so that I would never forget 'her' day.

So my rituals were very different than Peggy's. I had all these grand plans of lighting candles or what not but I could only do what came natural to me. Ways of surviving.

Peggy Orenstein says, 'The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint; IUI was hardly more complex than a turkey baster. You're not aware of how subtly alienated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its 'achievement'." Does this accurately describe your experience? Would you say you have become alienated from your body while struggling with infertility?

I don't see my journey like the way Peggy described it. I poured myself into researching and finding answers to my questions. I studied procedures, tests and medications. I wanted to be very aware of what would happen, what was happening, and what would happen in the end. I would visualize everything as it was taking place. It has never felt quaint. In fact, it has felt haunting. Almost as if I am standing over myself watching at times.

Now I do agree with Peggy about the distortion that takes place. I don't know how it can be any different if you have been on this long for a long time. You forget what you are doing. You just do what you have to do to receive your goal. I have tried to remind myself why I am here and doing all of these crazy things but after awhile it just becomes routine.

On p. 233, Orenstein describes what infertility cost her: "Becoming a parent can't give me back the time ... obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for trashing my marriage." How is your experience with infertility and the toll it has taken on your life similar or different from Orenstein's?

I am not at the end of my journey. I don't know how I will be when I finally do end it with or without a child. BUT I do know that I will not let it ruin me or create bitterness. When I hear words like torment or trashing I think bitterness. I have to look at the time I have been on this journey as a growing period. I am tired of growing but yet I am still changing for the better. It has tested friendships and love. But part of purifying and growth is all about testing. Testing hurts. Because of my journey I can put myself into other's shoes and try to understand better where they are and where they have come from. Without my hardships I couldn't truly be compassionate and understand. YES I would much rather have a little one in my arms right now but truly I am thankful for what I have learned and gained. I never want to look back on this time as a loss.

Now that you read my thoughts on the book ... Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

Trying Hard

I am trying very hard this morning to paste a smile on my face.

I am trying hard not to be bitter.

I am very hard not to say, "Why not me?"

I want to be happy for others. I am trying to do this~!

Trying to see the brighter side.

Trying to understand.

BOY is it ever hard!

Of course I asked for this announcement. I didn't want to hear about it face to face. I asked for her to test. I wanted to just get it over with. I was hoping for good things but yet hoping I got it first. The odds were stacked up against her. She is over weight and older. So is her husband. She has only been trying for a VERY short time. I am so glad she didn't have to go through the pain of it all. But why not me?

Okay I slipped. I guess I am not trying hard enough. Thank God I haven't cried yet. Thank God I checked my work email before I left the house. Thank God I have a long commute to try to be composed before I had to see her this morning.

I heard a song on my ride in this morning that will help me fake it through the day. Of course I can't find it now that I need it!

*Please don't think I am not happy for you. I truly am. It is just bittersweet. There is nothing that can change it!