Can You Read My Mind?

Sorry for leaving everyone hanging with the sad news part. I had started this post but after a couple of drinks it began to make no sense.

On returning home from our family trip my mom called. She sounded strange but those days happen. She goes on to tell me my sister in law has miscarried.

Just last week I spent an entire week with a beautifully pregnant woman with a very cute son, my nephew. I wasn't prepared for this news.

She had gone in for a regular appointment to only discover the baby had died almost 3 weeks earlier. She was all alone.

Has someone been in my head reading my thoughts? Never did I wish a miscarriage but I did wonder when she was super sick the last day that maybe something wasn't right. You know, we IFer's who have experiences miscarriages only think the bad. Of course I also had thought, "why are you having a second child when your first is out of control and drives you nuts?" She had even said that the week before was the worst week of her life.

I really believe someone is in my head. I never wanted this to happen but how awful to feel relief with it. I had wanted a chance to have my time. See I am such a bad person!

Yet through all of this I can only hope my mom will learn more about what I went through. Once again, selfish! I told mom to ask if she could spread the news. My brother doesn't need to have to make those calls. I also told mom to tell people to send cards and flowers. Someone died, they deserved to be remembered.

I did my part. I gave advice to my mom. I sent flowers. I called my SIL and left a message. I have prayed for her. My heart truly does break for her. It is sad. I even thought, why do bad things happen to good people because she really has a heart of gold. Unlike my black heart. HA!

HOME!!!

I know, you have all waited with baited (not sure if that is the right spelling) breath to hear from me. YES I am home. We got home Sunday night! What a great time we had!

I know, I am shocked too. 7 days with the family and we are still all alive. Of course nothing was mentioned about me and Grumps and IF. The big talk was of my nephew and my brother and his wife and her unborn child. My dad was awestruck about it all. Grumps and I just cringed. So sad I can't enjoy someone else's life.

I only had one true moment. I described this moment to Grumps as unraveling. He didn't understand it with that one word. I was just super overwhelmed. I felt left out and alone. It was our last formal night and the dress I planned to wear, I had let my SIL wear at the beginning of the week. I had no idea my nephew had smeared food all over it. I was DONE! Of course Grumps was the only one who understood my mood change and tears flowing down my face. It had nothing to do with the dress but all to do with me and us and no child. The night ended with me drunk at a piano bar crying. :)

I have to say, I would much rather be childless on a cruise than have a 14 month old crying all the time.

Now onto sad news.

Setting Sail

Just in case our boat sinks and you never hear from me again, Grumps and I are leaving tonight for a cruise to Belize and other beautiful islands. The ship sets sail on Sunday. If you hear of our cruise in the news you know what happened to me.

I know you are thinking, "WOW a romantic getaway." Nope it is with the family. If you have been a follower you know about my family and all that jazz. I know we will have a good time but lots of prayer has gone forth to make it a good time. Grumps told me to go get sun if they drive me nuts.
So Happy Thanksgiving early to all of you!

The Blogger Flame of Fortitude

I have been given the honor of the Blogger Flame of Fortitude by amazing Jenna! She, herself, deserves this award more than anyone I know. She has stood tall in the midst of heartache and has come out the other side even stronger. The other women she has honored are just as amazing. I am speechless to be side by side with these amazing women.

WOW what a love fest!!!

A few women came to mind when I was urged to pass this honor on. Ladies I know honor you for walking this journey with grace. You inspire me!

Debby, Nicole, Chris, Cathleen, Kell, Niobe, and Chrystie.

There are so many amazing women but the story of these ladies immediately came to mind. Pass this amazing award on!

The Unthinkable

I am about to do the unthinkable. I know many of you will laugh but for me this is huge. I am about to mark all read on my google/reader. When I came to my computer this morning I had over 400 posts to read. I AM SO BEHIND. I can't stand the pressure. After 2 hours I have whittled it down to 236 post to read. I just can't spend my Saturday skimming through blogs. I just can't.

I know this is so stupid to worry about but if you know me you know how I am. I have little issues.

I hate writing my name in a book.

I don't like to read all of the back of a book afraid it will give too much away.

I like to reply right away to emails. I had so many in my inbox starred for a better thoughtful day to reply. KILLS ME!

I hate to not finish something but also hate being stressed about it. I hate asking for help. I would rather look strong.

I don't cry in front of others very often. Grumps has seen my tears only a handful of times. My family always laughed when I cried. I refuse to do it now afraid of showing weakness or being laughed at.

I stick to my promises and agreements even if it kills me. Once I was supposed to meet a friend at the gym. I was sick as a dog but didn't want to bale on her. I waited for an hour and she never showed. At work that week I asked where she was. She didn't feel up to going. I was ticked but never told her.

I don't do confrontation. I would rather just live with the issue than deal with it. I even do this in my marriage.

I always save the last little bit of everything for Grumps. He never notices or eats it. It drives me nuts but I can't stop myself.

I want to be involved in others lives. I want them to know I cared. THIS is why hitting the marked all as read is driving me nuts this morning. Just know I do care. I really want to comment. I just can't have this list hanging over my head any longer. Mel I suck as a Clicker right now. Please forgive me. See I am a freak!

Anyone else a freak like me?

Tally it Up

I just wanted to add with a LAUGH on this great dreary Friday there are now 10 girls at work pregnant! More than 10% of my staff is pregnant!

I think I need to keep a numbered list on my sidebar with all the preggos in my life. This could get fun! HA!

Not Part of the Club

I couldn't believe my ears on Tuesday. My friend, also pregnant, rushed into the copy room to tell me the news. Another girl at work is pregnant. That would make 8. I asked questions, how far, natural, due date. She rushed off the answers. I was generally happy for the girl. She had been trying for a while. But it still hurt to know I was left behind again and surrounded by 8 bellies!

I took a moment to breathe when the girl strolls into the work room, right up to my friend. The words that came out of her mouth cut like a knife.

I am now part of the club!

My mouth dropped. I tried to smile at her and say "congrats". I am not sure what I actually looked like or said. I am sure the plastered smile on my face looked more like a smile of someone about to vomit.

Then the pictures cropped down before my friend. 8 week pictures. 8 weeks stings for me. I lost my angel to heaven at 8 weeks. My friend was nice, asked questions and moved her along. I stapled papers in silence trying desperately not to cry.

Once the new club member was gone my friend grabbed me and repeated how sorry she was over and over.

I am not part of the club! I can't get those words out of my head. I don't belong with those girls, the 8 girls.

Last night I went to the Casting Crowns concert. The first guy talked about his family and praying for his kids and blessing them. Of course I wasn't part of that club either. As the night went on and was about to end the band members prayed for the crowd. One prayed for the young men. Another prayed for marriages. It got to the young girl and I thought, she is going to pray for the club members. Yep she did, but not the belly/kid kind but the IF/childless kind. She too is struggling and has lost an angel. Tears streamed down my face as I finally didn't feel left out. I knew one of their recent songs had a line about a wife longing for a family. I didn't realize why.

I am better at the end of the week. I am better with my non-membership. I know, my time is coming, according to the rest of the world. I am not sure I like hearing those words. I know they are trying to be helpful but a pat on the arm or a squeeze is enough for me. Maybe I can fake being part of the club and just get fat!

VOTE

Yes, tomorrow's election day. I am all for voting. I am all for doing your civil duty. I am also ready for all the flyers, phone calls, and trash to be over. But this post isn't about politics. For those who know me in real life, you know where I stand in all of it. You also know I don't talk politics I just live my life to what I believe. Okay back to the real reason for this post!

Mel needs our vote! Yep amazing Mel from Stirrup Queen/Town Crier. Mel who has been the foundation to IF blogs. Mel whose brain never stops and completely amazes me even when she doesn't speak at a DC bloggers get-together!

Mel has been nominated for a weblog award and I'd love to help her out. Please click on this link (http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-
blog-1.php) and vote for her. The name of her blog is Stirrup Queens. You can vote once every 24 hours until November 8th. Just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win.

If you are or have dealt with IF OR you are friends of someone who has walked this crappy road go and give her support. VOTE! Do your civil duty! Help spread awareness! As right now, 9:39 on the 5th of November, she is ahead! Let's keep it that way!

His Hope

My hope comes and goes. I get the stupid desire to stop this crazy roller coaster of infertility and move on with my life. Then hope creeps in and reminds me we have so many more 'things' to try before throwing in the towel.

This year will be 5 years of trying for us. It will also be 10 years of marriage. We have spent half of our marriage trying for a child. Grumps and I were talking about this at dinner last night. It is another birthday without children for me. We usually get into a short but deep conversation about us each year. I begin to plan out our IUIs. I asked if Grumps wanted to just skip right to IVF. He said "Whatever the doctor tells us to do."

Here is my hope, we will do an IUI in December, January and February. March/April will be our first IVF. Nowhere in there did I see success. Nowhere did I leave room for hope and miracles.

Here is Grumps' hope, where do you want to go for your spring break? I wasn't planning a trip. You will be pregnant.

Of course I laughed! I haven't played the pregnant card in a long time. I quit living my life in terms of, "What if I am pregnant then?" Living my life like that hurts when the month comes along when we would have done something or gone somewhere but don't because we thought I would be pregnant.

I was glad to see Grumps living in the positive. He very rarely lives there in life. The positive is my job. I guess in this case he needed to take over.

Into the Vault: The Common Thread Project

Last week I went into the vault of drafts and pulled out a title I had typed but couldn't write about. Today I go into my vault and find a post I just never finished. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole common thread of infertility.

I am not a person who follows trends. If I look cute in it or I really like it I will participate. But to just do it for the sake of being cool, that isn't me.

When the Live Strong bracelets came out I didn't wear one. Grumps didn't wear one either. He is even more extreme in his beliefs of trends. So when I saw the common thread posts a year ago and the bracelets being talked about I just wasn't sure where I stood.

Here were my thoughts on 8/19/06 at 10:02 PM.

I saw this recently on a couple of blogs. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it and truly decide if I want to participate. BUT I do think it is a wonderful idea.

Stirrup Queens... and Desperately Seeking Baby blogged about it. Wear a pomegranate colored thread on your wrist to help create a community of us going through infertility. When you see the thread you will know that you aren't alone.

A year later and Bella Vida began her common thread project. She has given out over 80 free bracelets for the cause. Now I wear one. In fact Grumps wore one until it broke recently. I was shocked when he said he would participate. I had him read about it. He asked if it was worldwide. Then I let it go for a couple of days. I came back and asked if he wanted a bracelet of his own. His reply, "Sure." When his came in the mail I put it on his wrist and we just looked at our bracelets. We were now marked.

No one has asked about my bracelet. Now Grumps on the other hand was asked by a co worker. The guy said, "Why are you wearing that bracelet." Grumps answered, "My wife gave it to me." But it didn't stop the questions. His friend went on to ask more. "What does it mean." Grumps didn't hesitate as he explained about the common thread. His friend thought it was very cool. (It is too early to think of a better word!)

It is amazing how a year can change your prospective and your convictions. If you don't have your own bracelet go over to Bella Vida and email her. She has 12 left! Show the world we aren't alone!