The Let Down

You can all stop holding your breath! It was a negative. I pretty much knew it would be since cramps have been my best friend. Gotta love the warning!

Grumps did take the phone call for me. It felt good knowing I didn't have a call waiting for me in my voicemail at work. When I called him to find out the results I could hear it in his voice. He said it was the worst call ever. It made him feel so awful when they start with, Hello, may I speak to .... I just wanted to let you know... in a very sad voice.... that it is a negative. YUCK! BUT Grumps said he was glad he could do that for me. He would do it every time. LOVE YOU!

They believe the reason for it not working (whatever they have no clue) is because my lining was so thin. No more Clomid and the Big G for me! Onto all injections. YIPEE!!! So my cycle should start on Friday and we will start this crazy ride all over again.

Onto better things, going for wings and beer! I can't stop singing, There's a tear in my beer!!!

Thank you for cheering me on and being there for me this month! Here's to more fun next time!

My next post will be all about stupid people! I know you can't wait!!!

Oh one more thing, there is another pregnant person at work! LOVE IT!

Holding My Breath

I have been here, hiding for the past little bit. I have been reading blogs and commenting on only a few. This 2ww is hard.

I love the first couple of weeks of my cycle. I love the shots, pills and doc visits. It makes me feel proactive. Now all I feel is ick.

Yellow and blue makes green. That's what happens when you use progesterone and estrogen up the 'girl' twice a day. I hate the green. I hate how it makes me feel pregnant. My boobs are bigger than Dolly's right now. I have them squished into my bra. They are more than painful. Of course I think, I might be pregnant. Truthfully, it is from the stupid green!!!!

Wednesday is the day I can finally breathe again. I should get the phone call sometime in the early afternoon. I had thought about testing early. Trying to push that idea out of my head. Instead I am going to have them call Grumps with the results. He needs to have that experience once. It is like a knife in the gut.

Today I heard, Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins. It couldn't have been a more perfect time.

DC girls, You sure helped pass the time on Saturday!!! Thanks for a fun night!

The little blue pill

My IUI is on for tomorrow. OH MY! It feels good to be doing SOMETHING instead of waiting. My u/s showed 2 really nice sized follicles on my right side. My left had lots of little ones. Everyone seemed happy.

I triggered last night. I gave myself a really nice painful bruise in the process. I wasn't so smart. I put the needle in the same place as my big F. It looks LOVELY! War scars is all I guess.

My lining wasn't all that great. I was given estrogen in a nice little blue pill to put up my girl. I was warned not to be freaked out by any leftover pill that shows up in my undies. She didn't warn me that it would turn my undies BLUE! I wish I could show someone. It is too funny. Starting tomorrow I will have 2 pills going up my girl. FUN TIMES!

So fingers crossed, prayers, happy thoughts, whatever for tomorrow.

Shooting Up!

Just this past week I had my little love affair with the little C pill. I am glad to say we are done with each other for this month. I still feel her effects but I guess that is a good thing. Tonight my love affair began with a new lover, the needle and Big F!

All day I have been anticipating our little dance we would have. The getting used to each other all over again. It has been awhile since we went on this ride. I had butterflies. I am not sure if they were from excitement or from fear. Maybe a little of both. What if I screwed it all up?

I finally stopped the countdown and just went for the plunge. I pulled everything out of the box. Washed my hands. Wiped my belly. Put the BIG needle on. Mixed the shot. Changed the needle. Got the air out. Prayed over the whole process, hoping for a miracle.

It all felt like a first kiss or seeing an old boy friend after a long time. Nervous, excited and then BAM! I grabbed my fat and stuck myself quickly. I forgot how much it stings and takes forever to go in. But when I finished and put my little needle into my beautiful red 'bottle' I had that feeling, the rush of going for it. It felt good.

Now lets hope Little C and Big F create beautiful sized follicles that will produce lovely eggs. Here's to Mondays u/s.

Clomid isn't Nice

I tried really heart to speak kindly to my little pill. I loved on her. Spoke to her with sweet talk. SHE IS EVIL! For some reason she just doesn't like me today. I can only hope she falls in love with me by Monday for my u/s.

This morning my insides felt like they were on fire and jumping all over the place. My hands were even shaking. With the growing anxiety building inside rage quickly took over its place. Then it ended with a nice hot flash with exhaustion.

Last time Clomid was a good girl. She just gave me little hot flashes. I can do hot flashes. I loved with them for a year on Lupron. But now she is a really bad girl. Tonight is my last night inviting little c into my 'bed'. I am ready to move onto my big man the shot!

On another note, Hugg*es reminded me I should have a 9 month old. Truly nice. I wish I could sue! If I end up with multiples I might just send them a letter demanding free diapers.

Happy Almost Friday!

Headaches, Cycles, and Babies

I am posting early today from bed. Yep I took the day off. I have had a headache since Saturday. It comes and goes. It gets worse and then lightens up. I have taken the good pills and the normal ones. Not much is helping. I guess it is stress. I do this. I let it all build up, usually in my sleep, and then explode one day. I am now exploding. To help with the explosion, I am going for a massage. Something has to give.

I am on day 5 of this lovely cycle. Two clomid pills down. Hope is rising in a very slow weird way. Guarded is my middle name. Hopeful will be my first. I have to hope. I can't be numb forever. But I will stay guarded. On day 3 I brought my little white pill to bed with me at 9. I looked at it from a far. Flirting a little with my eyes. HA! Then I began to fondle my sweet pill. Working hard to get it out of its little protective package. Next I held it between my fingers saying little sweet nothings to it. "Please do a good job! Please help give us a baby!" Down that little white pill went. Saturday will be my affair with my needle!

I am helping my team give a baby shower on Friday. I don't do baby showers unless I just have to. I have to with this one. I tried to stay just as an adviser but it looks like I am now going to be walking down the isle of baby crap to fill up a basket of stuff. Whose idea? MINE! Just shoot me now.

On a good baby note, Debby is having a boy! Go give her some amazing love! I hope she posts about it soon. She has the most priceless u/s ever!

Beer and Wings

When your husband finally understands what it feels like to be the last one standing, beer and wings is the only way to comfort.

My best friend and 9 co-workers are pregnant. We all know there are more to come. I am getting pretty good at just dealing with it all. Grumps has never really had it hit home. Guys at work are very jealous of his life. They would love to be free and do and go and whatever like Grumps. One guy he works with is 24 with 4 kids. It hurts but he doesn't really know him.

Last night he got his first real phone call announcement. I had been waiting for that call. It stung a bit. But today when he went to work his other really good friend told him they were expecting at the same time. I was also waiting for this too. The wives had told me they were trying. It was only a matter of time.

Grumps told me today he couldn't talk to his buddy for a good 2 hours. It just hurt too much. He wanted to feel happy for them. He knew they should be having a family. But he felt so left out and alone. I hate that he is hurting, but he finally completely understands.

So beer and wings was our night. LOVE IT! Also this year will be a year of birth or big spending, from the mouth of Grumps.

Hugs to my big strong man!