One is the Loniest Number

You have an appointment with your RE for one of your million procedures. Your amazing husband has a job which makes it hard to take time off. You on the other hand have to take the entire day because all 'procedure' appointments are right dab in the middle of the day.

As you walk in you try to be confident with each step. You try not to look at the sea of people. If you do, you will notice you are alone and they are a couple. In my head I wonder what they are thinking about me, coming alone to a big scary office?

My confidence carries me through it all. One is a very lonely number but you have to do what you have to do. There are times my great friends go with me. D really can't anymore. Her belly is too big to hide as not pregnant. So I now go alone.

Today was my mock embryo transfer. I don't think I will ever enjoy someone looking at my girl and putting things in it. A quick wanding is one thing. A stare, push, probe, this and that is NEVER fun! One good thing, all is good and clear. Lupron begins next week. My meds arrive on Saturday. Soon it will be time to get organized!

Do you go to your appointments alone, with a friend or with your 'lover'?

The Schedule

We got our tentative schedule in the mail today. The drugs are listed. The dates are there. My eyes went right to big dates.

Remember us wanting to keep this a secret from our family? The 'date' for our retrieval and all that jazz is during Grumps' parents visit. I feel sick about it all. There is no way to hide the doctors appointment, shots in the butt or me on bed rest.

When I shared the 'dates' with Grumps he wasn't impressed. I wanted to hear, "No worries dear. It will all work out. They will be glad to help out during that time." Instead I got, "Great I guess we will be telling them. Great I guess you will have to stay home when we go out. Great they wanted to do stuff with you too. Great...." UGH!

Now I am all anxious and yuck inside. Why can't things work out the way they are supposed to?
Oh and I will get to bring my lupron injections with us to Iris' wedding. How do you take needles on a plane in your carry on?

His Words

I'm a sucker for cards. I keep everyone depending on who gave them to me.

Grumps' cards, I have them all!

I love the card but the words that are written move my heart and will never be forgotten.

No matter what happens, I'll always love you. Thanks for being so good to me!

Love,
Grumps

I have never needed those words more than now. I hope they are true.

I told you, I am pretty breakable.

Not How We Thought It Would Be

I have been toying with a title for this post for days. Here are a few of them.

5 year anniversary - yep we have been doing this dance for 5 years. I could have had a 4 year old if it had worked the way it is 'supposed to'.

5 out of 7 - how many days I was at the RE last week.

Busted - my IUI cycle.

Laying EGGS - I had more eggs than my body knew what to do with them.

A year of my fertile life - about how many eggs I lost this month.

The Big Scary Step - what is now upon us.

And finally what I ended up with!

Lets just skip to the chase. There will be no IUI this week. I over produced. I had over 20 follicles form. 12 turned into something. 7 to 9 moved into good sized follicles for producing something. The idea of IVF got thrown out there by the BIG office but quickly got taken back by the real thinkers who know my cycle. There was talk of if I would consider selective reduction if needed in order to go through with this IUI. I couldn't make that call. So I got the call Monday afternoon to end this little game we were playing and go onto the pill. I haven't been on the pill in over 8 years. I was also told to use another form of protection of we had relations. We haven't used protection in 5 years.

With all this disappointment and throwing around ideas Grumps and I were left frustrated. We are tired of playing games and changing schedules to fit my bodies schedule. We are tired of the maybes and oops each month. We have decided to move towards IVF.

We sat together in silence letting the idea sink in. We were sad. Sad because we never thought we would have to be here. In fact at the beginning of all of this we both pretty much said we would never go down this road. Grumps was for sure not bending on the idea. Now it was decided on without much discussion.

I talked with my amazing RE! (He called the day of the cancellation making sure I was okay and being there to answer questions. He also answered my email right away. What doctor has email?) I didn't want to be on the pill for 2 months before we could start everything. So this is my pill and lupron month. I will start my lupron shots the first week of March.

I know YEAH for moving ahead. YEAH this will work. YEAH I am so excited. I have heard it all. But we all know it might not. I am guarding myself. I am guarding Grumps too. We aren't telling family right now. I don't want them to be disappointed. You can cheer us on but be careful, we are pretty breakable.

Stupid People

We all here stupid advice ALL the time. Remember my boss and her advice to surround myself with the pregos and let their hormones consume me? Well she came back with more advice!

I explained about my upcoming IUI, blah blah blah, to her during my midyear evaluation. You won't believe her advice! A little back ground knowledge, her step daughter has gone through IVF a few times. Now she thinks she understands my pain.

Here we go with the advice!

*Sunny, just think of IUIs like girls who get pregnant on their first try. The only girls who get pregnant on their first try are young teenagers in the back of cars. No one gets pregnant with IUIs. It is just a stepping stone for you. IVF will do the trick. Pay your dues and time and then move onto the real money maker.

What the heck? That is advice and encouragement? I think it is more like the mark of a STUPID PERSON!

Onto the best advice EVER in my life!

I went in for a massage a few weeks ago. I was STRESSED out about everything. I needed relief. When the lady asked why I was there I explained about my stress. She begins to give me advice.

*My niece (I am think her niece had trouble with IF and I am going to hear how she did this and that and now she has a kid.) is pregnant. She lives in Hawaii (pronounced more like Hawaikkeekee). You should go visit Hawaii. When you are there you will see many pregnant bellies near the ocean taking in the beauty of the earth. You will also see dolphins swimming through the ocean showing off their little ones that were just born. The vibes and wholeness of it all will transcend into you and create life. Just go to Hawaii and surround yourself.

I thought I was going to either throw up right there at her feet or laugh my head off. Instead I nodded my head and went inside to my happy peaceful place!

Any good STUPID PEOPLE advice lately?

Just Shoot Me!

Man I hate how long I have left you all hanging. Like you wait for every update! I have been so busy with work, shots in the belly, monitoring, and SICK that blogging has been on the back burner. Actually, I have wanted to blog so bad but by the time I get into bed with my laptop (Oh so romantic) all I want to do is check my email and watch tv.

Today was one of my worst days teaching in a good chunk of time. I have sent 2 kids to the office in the past 2 days. That is more than my entire 9 years of teaching. I am at a loss for the behavior in my classroom. Of course the mom of one of the kids thinks I suck so she wants a conference with the assistant principal, counselor and me. Thank God I have kept at least the counselor involved in all of this. I wish I could go into more detail but it all just SUCKS being me right now.

Of course my IUI is next week along with the 100th day of school, staff meeting, 2 conferences, GT crap (wanting to use a much harsher word), and stupid Valentines day. I am sure there is something else mixed in with all of that. Oh maybe it is Grumps working Vday evening due to the 'timing' of our IUI.

Well being a teacher is a joy, can't you tell? Seriously if you want my job IT IS YOURS! On top of the behavior issues I get a conversation of THIS at least once a week. Enjoy!

*Mrs. Grumps are you going to lay a baby? (yep you heard me, lay a baby! There are 10 pregos at work. My kids are obsessed!)

*I laugh and say, NOPE, no laying a baby here!

*Then my obnoxious kid asks how long I have been married.

*10 years.

*He replies with, "MY GOSH you should have had a baby by now. What is the problem? When are you going to have a baby?!

*My reply, after dealing with parents and sending kids to the office, "When God gives me my miralce." (I don't care if I say 'God' in a public school. In fact one of the kids was like, "Oh my gosh she said 'god!' Oooooooo)

*Then one girl, who I was going to say was sweet but in fact is a brat said, "Guys, even if God doesn't give her a baby, at least she has Itsy to love her. She is like her child."

My friend is listening to all of this flabbergasted. Her heart is broken and just doesn't know what to say. All I can do is laugh at the sweetness of children. The world is not only NOT seen in race but also not in IF terms with children!

I haven't forgotten about my stupid people post! It will come!

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have enjoyed my night being PISSED in my beer with my good friend and Grumps! Fat food and drinks RULE!