Comfort Food, Krispy Cream D's and HSGs

It all begins with Saturday having a me day. I am sick, a week and a half sick. Grumps had to work. I decided to just fill my day. I unpacked from the house stuff that went on. Cleaned from the grime and went to a movie by myself. Rarely am I home alone for a full day anymore. I find myself filling my world to the fullest. I guess I do this so I don't have to think about life as it is right now.

Saturday I started to get blah. I felt it hit in. It was like a warm blanket wrapping itself around me. That sounds inviting and all but you know when you got hot under your blanket and can't get out? That was me for sure. I was stuck. I wanted out. I began to struggle with it. Here is where the comfort food comes in. I just had to get out of the house. I wanted to see the new N. Sparks movie. Movies like that are perfect for going alone. I go to the movie too early. You can't sit at a movie that early by yourself. Off to the store I went. I hadn't planned to get food but when I passed the deli section and saw good friend chicken and mac cheese I couldn't say no. Guess where I ate it? HA! Right in my car at the movies. Teeheehee!!! I couldn't help laughing at myself.

Today I had to make the scary drive over the state line at EARLY morning time to have my 4th hsg. Yep 4! I was told by my doctor it shouldn't hurt since they are pros. I laughed. There was no way it wouldn't hurt, I was the pro at having them. The bright spot in the morning was the HOT sign lit up for donuts. The hsg... totally a piece of cake except for the assistant not knowing how to get the machine working while I was wide open with a view of my cervix for all to see waiting! The results... swollen left tube, scar tissue and block on the right. I am waiting to see if there is a new action plan from my doc.

If you made it to the end of my post then I give you a fire cracker. This was painful. HA! I just needed to let you know I was alive. Crazy but alive!

Thank You

I have nothing else to add. I just needed the hugs and words. I am lost right now. With work and life and what to do next, I needed you. THANK YOU!

Updated!!!

Ha! I don't remember posting this. I went out for our traditional beer and wings. I enjoyed MANY beers. When I came home I guess I posted. I have NO memory of this. Oh so funny! It is still true but I can't stop laughing!

It has been confirmed...

I got the call this afternoon after my beta. It is a true negative.

I am still numb but fine. You know, you stay grounded during it all ready for this moment of disappointment.

I have questions for my doctor.

Thanks for being there along the road. We aren't sure if we will transfer our little frozen embryo next or do one more fresh ivf. The plan right now is beer and wings tomorrow with friends.

Weak

I was weak this morning. I caved and tested. I had discovered one test left from a long time ago. As I peed on the stick I was hoping for good things but really expecting the worse. I have been super crampy.

Well... It was negative. I still have my beta on Tuesday but it is over. I hate that there isn't relief in knowing.

Out of Kids' Mouths

The cutest little girl ran up to me today and gave me a big hug. She pulled back and looked at me. Before she turned away she said...

"That dress sure makes you look pregnant!"

Their honesty is brutal!

My Big Ones

Oh it is so much fun being a teacher. Today a mom of a previous student stared me down on my way into the lunch room. I knew what she was thinking. "Is she pregnant?" We waved and I quickly moved on. This is the lady who gave me a fertility book saying it would bring me good luck.

During the class bathroom break she hunted me down. You won't believe what came out of her mouth. It really makes me laugh just thinking about it. She moved in really close and said, "MAN your BOOBS are HUGE! Is there something you want to tell me?" I am surrounded by little 7 year olds. I want to laugh my head off. Instead I say, "It's the hormones. We are still trying." My favorite response EVER comes next. "I have a flutter and goosebumps. It is going to happen. I feel it." She then kisses me on the cheek and whispers how she will pray.

I LOVE how all big things in life happen because of a flutter and goosebumps. I must have missed that a long time ago. HAHAHAHHA!

3 Little Ones

I left all of you hanging with my HUGE SWOLLEN ovaries and the info of my many eggs. I guess I should fill you in.

I transferred on Wednesday with my substitute husband, D! I got the call from my sweet doctor that morning letting me know 4 had made it. One embryo was really good. 2 were good. They all had slowed in growth. The rest were growing but turning abnormal. The decision was made to transfer 3.

We arrived in Scaryville with D and I making sure everyone knew we were best friends, not lovers for a second time. When they called my name we went into the other waiting room. The nurse said, YOU (that would be me) sit here. Sir (that would be D) sit here. She then looked up and realized D was not a sir but a mam. EVERYONE was laughing. She was so embarrassed. It was a priceless moment.

We are then moved into the transfer room. I had been nervous all night and morning. My fear was nothing would make it for transfer. Here is where the cool stuff began. The transferring doctor was my retrieval doctor. It is wonderful to see a familiar face in the Big office. They were very kind to explain everything. Making sure I could see my little ones get 'dropped' into my insides. At that moment my breath caught. It wasn't sperm like the before IUIs. It was LIFE!!!! I began to pray out loud while the other ladies in the room began to cheer the little ones on. It was so moving.

Everyone left (of course before they left I told jokes about my good luck not shaving look and the many shirts I will make if I get pregnant and have a little one. I also said my little one will fear Aunt D because she was there when the little life was created AND when the little life was placed inside mom.) and D began to pray for the little ones to live and thrive and be. As she is praying the amazing embryologist comes in with my CUTE picture. She is tearing up watching D pray with her hands on my belly. She then says how special this was for her. She not only helped transfer them but inseminated them. She said it never happens that way. Too many perfects.

Of course it all ended with D and I at Cheeburger Cheeburger for yummy food. I finally made it home to rest in bed with my heating pad. My ovaries were still grapefruit sized, pushing my uterus up. Now we wait.

I am trying very hard to stay grounded yet stay full of faith and hope. So many are praying for life. I can't thank everyone enough for the emails, txts, phone calls, cards, fruit, food, shots, rides, dog babysitting, millions of offers to help... Grumps finally returned home to view the photo of what he missed. I am now ready to be pampered. HE OWES ME!!!!

Cluck cluck cluck

That would be the sound that should be coming out of my mouth. Yep I am a hen. Now my friend says I am equal to a teenage egg donor. Here is the update.

They retrieved 31 eggs. There were more but my endo was blocking them. 28 were mature. 19 fertilized.

I have drank SO MUCH gatorade to stop any swelling. It has worked but man I don't want to drink anymore of it ever again. I also ate more steak than a person should eat.

As of today we will be transferring on Wednesday. We will transfer 2 embies at day 5. DAY 5! I am praying there is something there by then. I know there will be. Today I had 5 at 8 cells. Then we go down from there.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. I am happy I get to great my students at the door instead of a substitute. Now for Wednesday and Thursday I will be on bedrest relying on my girls since Grumps is out of town.

What I need from you? PRAYERS!!!! I really want this to work. I know we all want ivf to work for us but I am just not sure I can do this again.

By the way, I haven't forgotten about the all about me questions. Maybe I will begin working on it while on bedrest.