My Wait

After my final test and they discovered my endo the doctor and I sat down for a talk. I was hoping that he would say that he was able to remove it all and now lets start trying again. WRONG! Of course I went to the doctor again alone to hear my outcome. I wish I had brought someone just to tell me what the doctor had said. My brain was mush.

The endo covered my kidneys, lover, bladder, the wall of my insides (I am sure it has a nice technical name that starts with a p), on one of my ovaries and everywhere else it could have found a nice home. I am blessed for the fact that my tubes are clear. I have no adhesions or scaring. I just have this crap all over the place. It is like a spiderweb of sickness.

My treatment: LUPRON, the drug from hell. This drug stops your cycle and puts you into a menopausal state. I am on a 9 month treatment. Most people only do 6 months. But I guess I have a better chance at 9. When you think about it, my treatment is the length of pregnancy. Nice thought! So now you know the reason for my wait, the long wait!

I have found that during this wait I had to decide on the attitude I would take. I could be miserable or I could have a good time. The good time was my decision. What can I learn from this wait about myself? What does God want to teach me? How can I grow through this?

This is my wait of growth!

The Testing

For those of you who are trying and are in this process you know what I mean about the testing. Now for those who aren't on this journey like me let me give you a peak into the madness.

It all begins with that first meeting with the doc. We start making a plan. Of course he wants you to start charting. Charting is when you get your lovely thermometer and take your nice temperature before you get your butt out of bed or move too much. It sounds easy but oh no, it is maddening. I am one who has to pee in the night. There is no way I can hold it. So you need a temperature after 4 hours of sleep. That is hard to get sometimes. NOW you may ask, what do you do with that temperature? If you are like me you start the old fashioned you... you chart on paper as your temperature goes up and down. You want to see if and when you ovulate, your temp will spike up and stay up for 3 days when you do O. It all sounds so easy but that chart doesn't always agree with you. It goes all over the place. Man is it ever frustrating. It even becomes stressful and makes you go crazy. Hopefully as you chart for those 3 months you find a good computer program on the web that can help you keep from cheating on that paper. How crazy you become when you start moving that dot of temperature to the place you want it to go. BAD but it does happen!

Along with the charting you do some blood work to check out your levels and thyroid. I am sure a few other things but I didn't bother to ask. All I wanted was a tiny answer, nothing too big. I got a call from the nurse after my bloodwork. She said that they found a problem. Of course I am on my cell phone with her on my way home from work. I had to pull into a gas station because I just knew that some how that little problem was HUGE! My thyroid was off. I needed additional bloodwork done from an endocrinologist. SCARY is all I thought. So my testing journey moved me onto another doctor who took more blood and asked more questions. I was put on a drug to balance that out. I was so excited! This was my answer. Of course this was 2 years ago. Not the answer I was hoping for.

During my first round of testing my husband had to do his own. He had to go 'jerky lurky' in a closet with lovely magazines. We were hoping for a good count. I offered to help but he wanted to do it on his own. The results came back and they needed another test! I laughed. So bad of me. The next test showed that there was a small problem. We thought that was the reason. He was sent to another doctor to see or feel what could be wrong. All of that ended up with 'all is fine, we both just have a small problem and need to do the do everyday'! Whatever to that!

Since all of that turned up nothing we moved on to me having an hsg. Of course I don't know what those letters mean. I could look it up but it isn't important to me. But here is how it all works... You go to a radiological and they check out your tubing. You get undressed, put on the paper gown, lay on the cold table that doesn't have stirrups, listen to the doctor tell you how they haven't done many of these, open up, clench the air as the doc puts in the small spaghetti sized tube into your cervix with a little balloon at the end, then move up the table with something up in you. I have to stop there since my tube popped out and the day got very unhappy with me. Yeah like I popped it out on purpose! So we start all over again, then the dye. Man the dye hurts like crazy! CRAMP CRAMP CRAMP city! Not only does it hurt but you have to roll over on each side and watch the dye run through your tubes. MY TUBES WERE CLEAR! That is what I wanted to hear. Now you have to get off the table walk to the bathroom while the dye runs out and you get to put the world's largest pad on and walk out of the office trying not to let the world know you are wearing a diaper.

Now what do you do when all the tests are clear? What is the problem? Well I was overwhelmed and took a break. It also didn't help that my husband was not around much and doing the do on the right time seemed impossible.

The next step was the final test, a laparoscopy. They put you under and put a scope through your belly while filling it full of air. They also put a 'probe' in (you like my technical talk) on one side of your belly. I had 3 probes and one in my hoohoo! This process can take up to 1 1/2 hours or just 30 minutes. Mine was the full time. The doc takes pictures of your insides as he tries to remove any 'bad stuff'. Well I had bad stuff for sure! I had endometriosis everywhere. The worse case he had ever seen. He shares this with my family as I try to wake up. As I am waking up I am HURTING like I had sex with an elephant. Of course I yell that a few times that day to whoever would listen. The recovery is a lot longer than I had planned but it gave me time to be taken care of by my mom and feel super loved.

Now with the discovery of the problem the testing stops and the treatment begins. The testing journey can be different for each person. Some doctors do the bloodwork and then move on to treatment and drugs. I am glad mine kept testing even though it was painful each step of the way.

The One Year Mark

When we began this journey of trying to create life, we didn't think it would be a long journey. But the one year mark came and we were confused. It just wasn't 'normal'. So the appointment was made. I was to go talk to a doctor about the one year mark. Boy was I scared. Of course I went alone. I do most things like this alone. I am a big girl!

I of course waited forever in the waiting room with other woman. Some were pregnant. Others weren't showing or were in my boat. I flipped through the pregnancy magazines thinking when could I use the knowledge that I got from them. Then I get called into the back. There were the scales, the blood pressure, the temperature, the peeing in a cup, the paperwork. The paperwork was the scariest. So many questions about me and my husband. Questions that made me think. What was are problem?

I then got moved into the doc's private room. There I waited some more. My fears were mounting. Maybe we couldn't have children. Or maybe this doctor would be our 'savior'. The doctor entered and didn't take long to begin. Questions, questions, questions. Intrusive. I almost felt violated with the questions. He was so blunt and straight forward. He told me the reality, more than likely we wouldn't be able to have children. We needed to start thinking of our options.

It took my breath away, those words. I was shocked! How did he know that? He hadn't even known me more than 10 minutes. The tears started to rise. My head started to swim. I just wanted out of that office. But it did bring me to reality. What was our problem?

The testing would begin...

My life changed that day. My faith was tested. My life would never be the same.

Rambles

I feel that my middle of the road journey is so all over the place. I want my rambles to come off with some sort of help and insight. But being all over the place is where I am. I am all over the place with my thoughts. I have good days, and some not so good days. Have any of you had those 'not so good days'? They can be ugly.

I so wish I can start all over and begin with clarity but if you know me now in the middle and also knew me at the beginning you can attest that I am not the same. If you look at me up close I am for sure not the same. I blame it on the wait and the drugs, Lupron. I call it the Lupron Brain. It makes me slightly crazy! HA! That sure is an understatement.

I guess this post is a disclaimer to the rambles. Please forgive me. I just want to tell my story even if it is all over the place.

What to Say?

What do you say to people when they ask if you have any kids? What do you say when they ask if you will ever have them?

Infertility is such a secret disease. I think back to the many couples in my life who never had children. I thought they had made that decision and love being without kids. But thinking back I imagine that they just couldn't and were embarrassed and ashamed of it.

Now this disease is coming out in the open more. I have met many people who tried years for their own little miracle. I now know the look in the eye. That far off look of longing. It is the saddest and deepest look.

I hope people open up more and share their dark secret of being childless. If we all come together we will be stronger. I have met so many amazing women online who know just what I am talking about. I have seen many of them have that awful, dreaded week of trying not to get their hopes up and then watching them fall again and again. Some of them are still with me in this crazy journey. Others have moved on to their miracle. But I thank and love each of them for being with me on this journey.

We all just need to say what is in our hearts, "I am waiting for my little miracle in God's perfect timing."

Praise

Today on the way to church and during the worship I heard many of the songs that gave me hope this past year. I love music, all kinds. But the music that I always turn to when I feel lost is praise music. It is like God is talking to me through it. I can feel Him holding my hand or carrying me along as soon as the song comes on. It is amazing what it does to my spirit.

When I used to hear these songs from my journey, I would go speechless. I would even silently cry. Now that I am in the middle of my waiting period they give me hope. They make me want to shout the words from the rooftops.

I remember one week when I was having a 'blue day/week'. (That is what I call my days when I could stay in bed under the covers for the rest of my life.) God gave me a song or actually a part of a song to sing and play in my head over and over again from morning to night: The Voice of Truth. I would just repeat 'the voice of truth' whenever my mind was silent. It was a reminder that when things get really down and the voice of doubt comes into my thoughts, God's promises, the Voice of Truth, will always prevail.

Not only did I hear that song today, but I heard my journey song, Made Me Glad. I would put that song on repeat and let it consume my thoughts. One week my good friend sang it at church (like she did today) and I just cried. She came and sat beside me and told me that it was for me. That week I thought for sure I was pregnant. My hopes were so high. Higher than they had ever been when at last I got that horrible big fat negative on my millionth pregnancy test. That sky high hope went crashing down to the depths of nothing. Once again God spoke to me throught that song, through my friend.

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

In Psalms David said, "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice in it!" When he said that he was hiding from King Saul, fearing for his life. It wasn't a good day at all; yet he trusted God and because of that he would rejoice! I will rejoice to my great God throughout this journey, from the beginning, middle and end!

In the middle

Here I am starting a blog about my journey in this trying to concieve process right dab in the middle. You know it would have been a lot smarter to start at the beginning but who plans for it to take this long. I thought I would be Mrs. Fertile Mertil. My husband and I thought that it would happen with a snap of our fingers. We were always so careful and had planned it out to that 'perfect timing' never thinking that it could take forever. Everyone around us got pregnant when they wanted to. Atleast that is what we thought. We thought we had it all planned.

Now here we are 2 1/2 years later and still no little one to hold. We are in the middle of this journey. Not at the beginning, where the story would make more sense. Not at the end where we would love to be. But in the middle!

This is my journey. There will be times where I will go back and share where it all began. The first year of still holding on and thinking we were there every month. The second year where hope was almost lost. And now... playing the waiting game. I hope somewhere in all of this I can give others hope and help. I can answer questions. But most of all, I can share what I have learned about me!