Fortune Cookie

Today was a work day so I actually got to go out to eat. Chinese buffet was on everyone's mind.

At the end of the really good lunch we get the check plus our fortune cookies.

I am not a fortune believer but I always read mine. Today's was so me, except that I lost it. So here is the revised version:

You will get your dream that have wished for soon!~

It sure put a HUGE smile on my face and everyone elses at the table!

Fear

Last night I was laying in bed with thoughts running like crazy in my head. Fear had a dark blanket over me.

You think I would be totally excited about trying again for our miracle. I mean, I am. But I am also scared. The unknown is just so scary.

I never thought that I would say this but the past 9 months has been a blessing. Yes, it sucked, but it was such a safe place for us. There were no disappointments. No 'surprises'. There weren't any crying bathroom moments. It has been nice to be free from all the things that trying to concieve bring.

I don't want to have all the what ifs start in my head but they have. I try so hard not to consume myself with all of that but last night it just wouldn't shut up. I ended up laying there in the darkness talking to God.

"God, hold me tight. Don't let me go. I am scared. Alone. I need you more than ever. Hold me tight. I am shaking on the inside. Fear is taking over me. I need you. I need your strength. I need your peace. I need you to hold me tight. Hold me tight. Oh please hold me tight."

I have prayed that prayer a million times in the past 3 years. But each time seems like the first time.

I did finally fall asleep. I don't even remember doing it. Grumps had come in late for bed with Itsy. We talked. He got into bed. Itsy cuddled with me and then off to sleep I went. I thank God for holding me tight last night!

Skipping Church

We are skipping church on Sunday. It is the Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. Guess what that means?

BABIES!!! Baby dedications.

It also means that our pastor will be preaching on The Right To Bear Children as part of his marriage teachings. I am sure he will give loads of wisdom to those who have children but it is too much for my heart.

I always feel stupid for missing these Sunday's. Grumps thinks that I can handle it but I know what I can and can't. When I see pictures of babies or babies being prayed over, it just hurts too much. When someone preaches on the family, I tune out. I begin doodling instead of listening.

One day it will be me and Grumps on the stage with our little miracle, dedicating 'it' to the Lord. I just hope that day is sooner than later. I don't want to have to miss another church service because my heart can't take it anymore.

Package

Dr. Anita Lay has arrived at my door today in a package!

Grumps told me that he needed his vitals checked!

I told him that he will have to just wait!

2 more weeks!

The Planning

The planning for this party has begun. I spent a big chunk of time this morning online looking for 'sex' drinks. I found a slew of them.

I read them off to Grumps. He pretty much wanted to cover his ears. He kept saying my name, wanting me to stop.

The names of the drinks are pretty risky. But how fun will it be to have a Dirty Silk Panty or a Nipple on Fire!

I am still on the look out for some good food ideas. I have fondu, meatballs, sausages and things like that.

If you have any fun ideas for this party to kick us back into the trying to concieve mode, let me know!

Homerun!

This morning was spent searching for some good lingerie.

Less than 3 more weeks! I need something to give me the nerve to...

I am not happy that one site just won't work. I found the best "outfit" that there is.

Oh well....

I don't think it will take much!

Almost a bottle of wine and we already made a HOMERUN!

A Good Mood

Today should have been a bad day.

*I stayed up too late and was super tired.
*There was major fog driving to work.
*The fog caused drivers to be super stupid.
*The day turned out beautiful causing my class to be wild and crazier than normal.

But I was in such a good mood. I was in such a daze on my way to work. My brain was filled with the music from my iPod. Then it moved to my little rows of hormones. I have 3 rows left. Then I got excited. Only 3 more weeks.

I started planning my No More Lupron Party. I had the kareoke, drinks, fondu and added food, pjs and just real fun. I thought about party favors and just couldn't stop getting excited.

I am going to start looking for some good sexy things to spice up the ttc. We have been living in the Forsaken Land for so long.

I got to school with a skip in my step, a smile on my face, and Jennifer Love Hewitt's Barenaked song coming from my lips.

I have a lot to smile about!

The Countdown

The countdown has really begun. I am in my last month of wait.

The questions have started. The plans are being asked about. The excited others have has begun.

I on the other hand haven't been thinking about it. I mean I do think about it, but I don't. I talked to Grumps about it yesterday and he was with me. We don't want to set ourselves up for disappointment. We have been down that road and it wasn't too pretty.

Here is the plan:

Pray for Lupron to leave quickly and my cycle to start up. It has been almost 9 months since I have had one.

Start taking my temperature looking for that lovely spike yelling, "Get your groove on!"

Prenatals!

Relieving Grumps frustrations over and over again hoping to SCORE!

The Long term plan:

Not sure! IUI, Meds? IVF has even been thrown around. Adoption is a long ways off.

There you have it! 3 weeks 4 days until the meds are 'gone'.

My Shifting Weight

I got on the scale this morning for the first time in weeks. I am starting my weight loss with Weight Watchers and work out with Tae Bo today. I assumed that I would have really gained the weight since my clothes don't fit at all.

NOPE! I mean I have gained a little since I started being lazy and bad. But I really didn't gain weight. It all just shifted. I know I have talked about how the hormones and Lupron have been so bad. This is proof. My body is not the same.

Maybe Tae Bo today will do something about the shift and just shift it back for me!

2oo5 in Review

I found this today on someone's blog. I thought, I never do anything fun over here in journey land. Why not?

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Became a menopausal woman
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try really yard. Of course I had to make some.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, many online friends. :)
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, a good family friend.
5. What countries did you visit?
Jamaica
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Ha! Easy, a baby.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 4th, I turned the big 30!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying strong!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Jealousy
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lots of illness, endometriosis
11. What was the best thing you bought?
iPod and Mattress Genie
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Trent for taking care of me or at least ignoring my stupid moods.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine
14. Where did most of your money go?
My health
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Turning 30 and partying like a ROCKSTAR!
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Hollaback Girl
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
A little of both
thinner or fatter?
Fatter.
richer or poorer?
Little richer, not much.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drinking
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family.
21. How many one-night stands?
Nope, just good ole Grumps
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy and Prison Break
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No
24. What was the best book you read?
I really don't remember.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Rent
26. What did you want and get?
Lots of support
27. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Chronicles of Narnia
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Toured wineries in a limo with my closest friends. 30!!!
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To not to have been 'sick' and to be med free
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Add a little sass with the shoes
31. What kept you sane?
Small Group, Wednesday Night's and my online groups
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one this year.
33. What political issue stirred you the most?
lack support
34. Who did you miss?
Iris
35. Who was the best new person you met?
Olga Holliday
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
It is all about God and His timing. With His timing when it is not yours, you learn to grow and live in compassion.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And thought my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

38. What was your drink of choice?
Strawberry margaritas and champagne


For some reason this survey was missing 3 questions in the middle. It made the numbers off. I couldn't have that. I added one more question to make it even. HA!

They're Back

That is right, my hot flashes are back. They are mild but they are here. It makes my heart sad. What will come next?

A Heart Message

I recently decided to start writing in a journal just for my secret thoughts.

I know that I said secret but I thought I would share one of them here. It is fitting.

*I so want a baby that the thought NEVER leaves. I see a child on TV and think of how I want that. Then I think about all the not so fun stuff that a child brings and then I have second thoughts.

Is it worth it in the end?

Grandparent Names

Even though my parents wouldn't discuss my health situation we did talk about what my children will call them.

My mom doesn't like grandmother and anything else that is associated with it. It isn't because it would make her look or sound old. It just doesn't fit her. We have thrown names out for her for a long time. She finally came up with it.

GiGi

My dad: Papa.

Now all we need is a baby! HA!

2006 Is My Year

I have put HAVING A BABY on my resolutions list every year for the past 3 years. Every year at the mark of the next I am always disappointed.

How can I really put having a baby down as a goal for the year. We all know that it has nothing to do with us. Truly it doesn't. I mean, we need to take care of our bodies. We need to get the timing down for the deposit to the egg. We need to take the drugs that make us better. But can we really plan for a baby?

I have friends who have. They are the lucky ones.

But people like me, it just doesn't work that way. I can't make it a goal but I can make it a prayer. It is so a God thing now!

I have a month and a handful of days before I can begin trying again. There is fear there. I will not let it take hold of me though.

This is my year. 2006 is for me. It won't be about what I can't have but what I can have. It won't be consumed of wishes but will be full of strength.

I would give anything to have my miracle this year but I am not going to let it rule me. I am going to live life to the fullest, growing, moving, touching the lives of others.

Anyone want to join me?