Please STOP ME!!!

I have been doing so well with my eating and losing and looking good. The ice and snow hit and it all turned to crap. I tried to pull it together but stress is hitting in and a very small bit of worry is setting in.

I see chocolate and I have to have a bite. Cookies are getting devored. I HATE GIRL SCOUTS!!! The Samoas are going to kill me.

I CAN'T STOP!!!

My body was supposed to be just AMAZING for Jamaica in 4 weeks. Ummmm at the rate I am going I will double me by then.

I think I need to start therapy!

Keep Holding On

To all my friends who are walking this journey with me. No matter if our journey is the same our not know that we will make it through together!

I guess all of this testing has got me feeling cheesy.

Song Codes

"Keep Holding On"
by Avril Lavigne

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

My V is closed for Repairs

I has been seen and touched WAY too much lately. Stink, I told Grumps that we would get it on tonight. Maybe he will be too tired. HA!

First I had a moment with the lovely condom covered wand. All was fine and dandy and went very fast! I did feel like a science project or some test subject looking for gold.

Next was my lovely pap. I have been bad. I haven't had a pap in 3 years. With all the other testing, probbing, touching going on down there I didn't feel it was necessary to add that in. I know, I am a bad example. Really and truly the worse part for me is the boobie exam. I HATE that part! They haven't been touched by a stranger while I was awake (who knows what they do to you when you are under and on the table) in 3 years.

My doctor had a 'shadow intern' with him. Of course they asked if she could join in on the fun. "WHO CARES!" is what I said. Truly at that point, naked but under paper, sweating like a pig, legs spread wide open, let's let them all have a looksie and touchy moment with my V! It was a little awkard when the intern was between my legs, my doc was trying hard to get the lighting right for her while peering over her shoulder and the nurse was watching on the sidelines. I felt left out being the only one who didn't get to look and wear gloves. The only good part was that my doctor bragged and got all excited about my lap pictures to show to the intern. I will be famous someday, they are that pretty!

Finally the best moment all week, my HSG! I was calm and collected. I went alone BUT MANY people offered to take me. I felt like I could handle it since I did it once before alone being a newbie in it all. (This would be hsg #3 for me.) I took a nice 800mg pill of ibprophin from my m/c. It sure made me loopy, I had no idea. I was so out of it I told them the wrong date for my first day of my last period. They thought I was on day 13. OOPS!

I hopped up on the table with the big diaper. No stirrups here. I told them that they really were important. Instead the old lady doctor pulled me down on the table until I almost fell off. She was a little harsh with the nurse and intern. It must be my lucky week. AND ME! The tube was pushed in. Yep, I felt it. Then it was PUSHED in even more with major force since she was perplexed why it wouldn't go up easily. Beats me but I wished for a gentiler push. The balloon was blown up, I had to hold my breath. The dye was shot in at a very slow pace. I thought I was going to die or scream STOP at the top of my lungs. MAN IT HURT! It got to a point that I could care less if my tubes were clear or not. I just wanted the pain to go quickly.

The results all is fine with my tubes and all that jazz. I knew that it would be. We just needed to prove it to the good ole RE. I ended the afternoon with drinks and girl time with T. Then back to the house for a heating pad, more 800mg and an evening nap.

I really think I should take back my offer from Grumps. MAN but guess what, O time is coming!

Out of all your tests you have had, which one was your favorite? Come on, I want to hear your story!

Self Torture

Why do I do it?

Why do I read pregnant blogs daily? I mean I really should just read them weekly, but daily is true torture.

Why do I read and comment on the boards at all? I try to help because I have been on this road for so long but once again it is torture. The questions are so new and hopeful. I don't want to bust any bubbles but I do want to ground the newbies sometimes.

Why do I do I look at pregnant bellies, especially those who are near my due date? KILLS ME!!!

One thing I don't do is look through all the baby/parenting/pregnancy/congratulations magazines/flyers/postcards that I get in the mail daily. I look at them for a totally of 10 seconds and do a little snicker/laugh and TRASH them!

What things do you do that are pure torture? Things you know you shouldn't do but it is like a trainwreck, you just can't look away.

Trying to ...

get in the mood to blog.

I have 'written' a few posts in my head but can't remember them to get them out on my computer. Usually I can remember and spit them out. Not lately.

My mind has been clouded with dates.

FSH and u/s RESULTS NORMAL

Grumps s/a RESULTS PENDING

Annual (3 years late) PAP TODAY

DREADFUL HSG tomorrow

First Hannah's Hope Monday night

RE followup next Friday

As you can see I am full of dates. D who helps me 'celebrate' these things is out of town. So I have had to treat myself to wine, bad but yummy foods, and treats. I found out today I have lost 5 lbs since my last doctor's visit BUT I know that it would have been more if I hadn't taken my stresses out on food this past week.

I have a feeling that someone close to me will have a bfp soon. I have no idea who but I can feel it in bones. I know so silly but does anyone else get those feelings or am I an infertile freak?

Labeling

I switched to Beta Blogger the other day. It thought, "Hey let's do labels." Now I am not sure I like them. I still have a few more to label but am rethinking it.

What do you guys think? Keep them or get rid of them?

Aunt Flow says...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

She came just in time to celebrate us! I really don't mind that she is here. Now when spot showed up and stayed for awhile I knew she was on her way. There was a second where I thought just maybe pregnant I was pregnant. Ummm NOPE! I had a little moment and then moved on.

Now the testing begins. Tomorrow morning, EARLY is my Day 3 bloodwork. Next week I have my lovely PAP on Thursday. Friday I have my 3rd HSG. I am taking the day off for that one since it is scheduled for right in the middle of the day. Grumps has his jerky lerky on Tuesday. SO it will be a fun week for our household!

My present for V'day is a day off work! It iced last night! I am enjoying my day in bed with my new heart pjs!!!

The Day Is Coming

March 20th will be here so soon. Seeing K and her belly and hearing her say only 6 weeks to go, WOW I was trying to forget.

I started thinking about to the day I got my BFP. I thought I never would see that day. The emotions were crazy. I was on cloud nine with butterflies to beat all butterflies. I couldn't stop running and jumping through my house. I wanted to tell the world but also wanted to hold the news close to my heart.

Some days that day feels like a dream that I made up in my little infertile world.

Just like that amazing day I will never forget week 6 when my numbers weren't doubling. I thought we were losing our little angel to heaven. I cried like I have never cried before. Tears shook my body down to the very core of my being. I wanted to die. When I saw my little one's heart beating life filled me with hope again.

Then there was the day when there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't cry. The world stood still. I felt like I was drowning.

I wonder what March 20th will be. How will I remember that day? How will it mark my life?

Thoughts in My Head

I have been having all these thoughts in my head lately. Thoughts that have me so confused.

Right before 2007 began I prayed that God would either take away my desire for children and give me peace or give me a child. Since that prayer I have had amazing peace. I still have moments of sadness but not very often. I think about my situation daily but not every minute.

I love my life that Grumps and I have. We have been married for almost 9 years. We have been trying for our child for 4 years this month. My crazy thoughts have been should we continue to try so hard or just let it rest. Is this God letting me know that this is our life, the way it should be? I know I can hear all of you saying that we need to keep trying. You all know that we are to have a child. But I am just not sure any more.

I know that Grumps would be fine without having children. I also know that he would love it too. I know that if I told him my feelings he would tell me that I would kick myself in the long run if we didn't try harder.

Last weekend we were being silly and dancing in the kitchen. I asked Grumps if he would still love me if we never had children. Of course he said that he would. I just needed to ask him.

I wish I could see a little bit of our future to know just what to do.

Searching

I was playing around tonight searching for my blog on the internet. It wasn't too long ago that I didn't have many links. Okay I still really don't compared to the big bloggers. But I did find this beautiful post. I had no idea that someone blogged about me. It moved me to tears.

She was blogging about the 4 top blog moments of the week of November 3rd. I was one of them.

And ending with a beautiful post about loss...My Journey Towards My Little Miracle has two posts this week about the aftermath. I was holding my breath towards the end: "the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life. The look on my doctors face. Feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone." And smiled through the earlier memories of "the day I began to crave sweets again. When I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired." I'm so sorry, Sunny. These were gorgeous posts. I wish you were pulling out maternity clothes too.

WOW reliving those few moments took my breath away and brought the tears that have been gone for so long.

The Wait Continues

I haven't been up much for blogging. No real good reason. Just nothing has come to my mind that is worth blogging about.

I had my appointment on Monday. It all went well. The doctor was very nice and quick about everything. He made sketches and a nice timeline. He even gave us his email address for any further questions that we might have. We talked to our nurse who gave us way too many papers with dates and to dos. I am so glad I knew a lot going in or I would have been even more lost.

So the wait continues. They want to do most of the testing again since my miscarriage and time could have changed things. I am okay with it all. At least the testing will take place in a 2 week period instead of a year.

Day 1 of my cycle I call.

Day 3 I go in for blood work to check levels.

Between day 5 and 10 I will have another HSG. YEAH my favorite.

I will also have an ultrasound to check out things and follicles and all that jazz.

So I am waiting for AF to arrive. I would really love it if she never showed. I am not holding my breath. Especially after talking to the doctor about % of getting pregnant naturally or with an IUI.

While at the office I read that children are not allowed to attend. I LOVED THAT! I also loved that the magazines were not all parenting magazines. I felt taken care of. I pointed it out to Grumps. It made him do some thinking. He asked me if every time I see a baby, child or belly do I think about not having one of my own? I told him YES but that I have gotten better. I used to tear up. I used to get really sad. Now I just think about it for a second. He was so shocked and a little sad. He finally got it. He finally understood for a split second what it must be like to live in my head.

Now I need to call my OB/GYN to up my pap appointment. I would hate to have to wait even longer for our first IUI if my pap isn't up to date.