Hit Me Baby One More Time!

I thought it couldn't get any worse. NOPE I was wrong. My sister in law is pregnant with her second. Yep, my nephew just turned one. My brother is 4 years younger. They will have their family completed by the time they are 30. I am happy for them but whatever for me.

My mom actually is the one who gave me the heads up. I was shocked. She actually called to freak out about it. She just can't believe they would want children that close together. I told her I was expecting it. She told me to act surprised when they tell me.

Grumps comment was, "Wow they sure don't have a problem getting pregnant."

Nope they don't. I didn't freak out. I did cry all throughout Brothers and Sisters. It helped.

Of course my selfish comment to Grumps was, "Why couldn't they have just waited a little bit?" HA!

Maybe my mom will get pregnant next. She would at least give me her baby!

Deep Within the Vault

I have been wanting to do this for a long time. Of course being a teacher limits most of any blogging for me. I go on a blogging spree and then onto a dry spell. SO I have decided to make Friday Open Up the Vault Day!

I have 325 published posts and 24 unpublished posts. 24 isn't a lot, neither is 325. BUT there are some thoughts in the vault which no one has seen. Some of those thoughts might only be a title. Others are a sentence or two. Then there are the big posts. Lots of rambling words.

*Disclaimer* many of these posts were written in a very dark time. I have included the date so you can go back to my other posts and put this one into perspective if you would like or not. I am going to start with my first draft post! I have no clue what it will be. It could be STUPID or whatever.

8/16/06 10:43 AM

Our Little One

All there was in the vault of Blogger was a title. I remember writing this. I remember having tears. I needed to just put those words out there into space, onto my monitor, out of my head. I wanted to tell my little one how much I missed 'her'. I was in such pain. I had just had my d&c. All my thoughts were consumed with this title. I couldn't type out any more that day. The title haunted me for weeks. I had too many words, emotions, feelings to put them out for the world to read.

Come back next Friday to enter the vault with me. HA!

Your Haunting Memories

In IF what are the memories that haunt you?

I have a few...

I feel like I have had sex with an elephant after my lap. I hear my doctor tell me as I am coming out of it all, "I am sorry to say, this is the worst endo I have ever seen." WOW my breath was gone!

The day that ended it all, there was no heartbeat. Then to have it confirmed. I couldn't even look at the screen. Grumps stayed on the other side of the room afraid to look at me or the screen. I told the tech, "We know there won't be a heartbeat. We just need it confirmed." The tech's face said it all with each snap on the machine.

Finally the day which really sticks out is having Grumps finding me in the bathtub with no water crying hysterically on our baby's due date.

What are your haunting memories?

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling blue. This morning, not so blue. I couldn't leave it on a blue note.
Of course I have good memories too.

Finding support and community in a way I never thought possible in all areas of my life.

Seeing Pregnant for the first time. I jumped around the house for hours whispering the words.

The day Grumps and I dtd in the car on the way home from wine tasting. When we were finished I stuck my feet out of the car and lifted my butt to make sure I was elevated.

My Candle

I light my candle tonight for my little angel. For all the angels. For D's angels.

I wish we had you in our arms but instead we carry you in our hearts.

Open Enrollment

Updated!

I love being in my 30's but right now in my life I think 20's might be better.

I am at the age where either everyone already has children or they are just beginning to try. There was a time where I was surrounded by newly married couples who didn't even think about children in the near future. Now I am surrounded by couples with children, preggos or those trying.

I am beginning to think we are the only couple in our circle of friends left being childless. I love my friends. They are SO good to me but I think I need to make it open season for new friend applicants. HA! For my real life friends, they know I joke about having too many friends. Too many to the point I joked about not taking applicants.

We are going out with friends today to a winery. I was so excited about it until Grumps told me his friend's wife might not drink because they are trying. She might even be pregnant. I swear to God I am surrounded!

If you are childless and would like to make new friends it is open season and I am taking applicants!

Oh it looks like we might be able to switch insurances this month after all. Fingers crossed! Hoping for December IUI!

Update!!!
We had a great time yesterday. She isn't pregnant. She drank just as much as I did. The 4 of us went through 4 bottles of wine. I am not sure how long she has been trying but I can tell she is disappointed that it hasn't happened yet. Thank God for a good day out.

Over the Edge

I have no clue what my title means. I guess I am just over it all. Mainly the waiting. I will get to more on the waiting in a minute.

I had my self-evaluation at work last week. Every 2 years I am on the observation cycle. I HATE IT! My boss comes and goes watching me teach. She checks my records. I show her all my great stuff and how I keep up with parents, blah blah blah. Really it is just STRESS!

During my meeting she asked for my goals for the year. I made some crap up. She asked if I had a personal goal. Yep, to just make it through the year. I then spilled my guts and told her my story. Not all of it but the nutshell version with limited tears. Before I got into it she drops her grandbaby's picture in my hands. I am like, "OH MY GOD please stop." Well it is an IVF baby. She tried to connect. I thought WOW I have a boss who totally will get me.

Here comes her advice. First, she is putting me on her baby list. The list of women she wants to get pregnant for the year. I would like to know what she will do about all of this. Then she tells me to surround myself with all the pregnant women. To let their hormones surround me. To soak them in. To let them heal me.

WHAT THE CRAP! Who tells an IF to surround herself with pregnant women? I believe that is more like suicide. I smiled, tried not to roll my eyes, and laughed. At least my new boss knows where I am if any more crap hits the fan.

Now onto what really pushed me over the edge. You know the, "We are changing our insurance in October. I will do my next IUI in December?" Well let's move that change to next month. I know, it is only one month but it pushes my IUI to January unless my cycle falls perfectly in December. I have spent more time waiting than doing anything productive. I am just plain TIRED! Yes I know I just talked about "My time is in Your hands." Seriously what more can I do in this wait? UGH!

I guess on the bright side, I get one more extra month of drinking.

Yep I have been on a posting craze. Sorry for so many posts. It is my way of dealing.

Please Remember Me

There have been many times, even recently, I have felt forgotten by God. I watch many people receive their joy and their answer to prayer and yet I am left with the same pleading prayer. I have walked with God for a very long time. I have seen Him do many amazing miracles. My faith has grown but then it wavers when my miracle doesn't happen.

The other night I read a chapter in a book I have been reading. It was the prayer of Hannah. I have read Hannah's story many times. She longs for a child. Her husband's other wife has been granted this desire. Hannah is left in shame not able to give her husband what she should be able to do. What she was made to do. She prays a prayer. She prays for God to remember her. She is left feeling alone and forgotten. I understand Hannah's heart and prayer.

In this search to be remembered by God, He gave me a verse. I have read my Bible since I was a little girl. I have read through Psalms a million times. When I need encouragement I find my way there. I came upon a verse the other night. I swear it was light up. God had illuminated it just for me. The amazing this is, a couple of nights after I was given this verse, I read it again in a devotional I was reading. God wanted me to know I wasn't forgotten. He has remembered me.

Psalm 35:15 "My time is in Your hands."

God knows just what He is doing with my life. With my desires. With my everything. I just need to rest in it. It is all in His hands. So simple but so needed.

During my early morning walk a song comes on my playlist every day. It has spoken to my heart during this desire to be remembered time. I hope it speaks to you as well.

Hard To Get

Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven

Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth

Who are afraid of being left by those we love

And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape

To find the faith to ask for daily bread

Did You forget about us after You had flown away

Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath

While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin

We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was

Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness

Did You ever know need

Do You remember just how long a night can get?

When You were barely holding on

And Your friends fall asleep

And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted

While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Regrets

I have them every day.

I regret eating half the McDs hash brown this morning that my co-worker bought.

I regret getting very angry at my students yesterday even though a HUGE part of it was my PMS and LOTS of AD*VL I took for the awful cramps.

I regret the chips I bought to eat on my short drive home because I couldn't resist. Now my mouth hurts.

I regret drinking so much wine the other day that I don't remember the last half. It couldn't have been so bad since Grumps didn't say a word to me about it. But still...

These are all little regrets but with IF I find we all live with bigger regrets.

I regret being so naive and thinking I would get pregnant the first time we did the deed without protection.

I regret waiting so long to start trying.

I regret having stayed with the first doctor so long.

I regret not pushing through the testing instead of dragging my feet.

I regret Lupron.

I regret the drink fest I had.

I regret taking that long flight to Canada while pregnant.

I regret the sausage I ate.

I regret not switching insurances earlier.

I regret not pushing for treatments sooner.

I regret the stupid advice and comments I gave to others when I should have just given a hug and a prayer.

I regret having regrets.

The cycle kills me. I worry what others think about my journey. "Why have you been trying so long and just have had one IUI?" My journey has had small moments of hope which have caused big gaps of wait.

NO MORE REGRETS! My journey has made me ME! It has helped others. It is helping others. I can't walk in other peoples IF shoes. I can't try to will my journey to change. I have to live in the now and not in the regret.

This morning I was reminded of this freedom of regret in a song.

Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman

Me and My Ramblings

I am here, finally with my wireless working! (Thanks S!!!) Not having my wireless working has really been a drag. HA! I have so much tv to catch up on and not having blogs to read with the tv has been hard. I know, it sounds crazy. But not being able catch up on blogs kills me. I had over 250 posts to read this weekend. Yep, I feel like that is a lot. I finally caught up! I haven't caught up on tv.

October is here. It looks like we will be able to change my insurance without waiting for January. It scares me. Totally scares me. I am in a good place, minus the preggos that surround me. I don't want to go into the dark places of IF. I enjoy breathing. There are times when it can be hard but barely breathing is a different place.

I am feeling that alone feeling again. Not because I don't have amazing friends but because I am left behind. I guess I should stand tall and be proud that at least I am still standing. But still standing alone can be a hard place.

Dmarie THANK YOU for the bracelets. My next post will be about them. Grumps amazed me.

My Favorite Number is Changing

You know when you were a kid you had a favorite number? Mine was 7! Well 17 because the number of my 1st grade classroom. I loved Mrs. Waldrop! But I soon dropped the 1 and left it at 7. I think I need to change it. I don't know, maybe to... 20! or back to 17!

The reason....

There are now 7 preggos at work. YEP 7! CRAP CRAP CRAP! I am surrounded. The best part, they are all due in the same 2 months. SHOOT ME! I might need to die!

Guess when they are all due? Yep right around my due date! YEP KILL ME!!!!

Out of the Mouths of Second Graders

It's that time of year. The time where my class begins to ask questions about my family. Every year questions are asked. Every year it gets easier to answer them, but it still stings.

Class: Do you have any children?

Me: Nope, I have you guys. That is enough.

Class: Why don't you have any children?

Me: We are waiting for God to give them to us. (Yes I used God in a public school but seriously, parents should teach their children not to ask such questions.)

Class: I know how to make children. You only need to plant a seed. Have you planted the seed?

Me: Okay enough of this!

Class: Maybe one day you will come to school with a big belly. Maybe we will see you next year with a HUGE belly.

Me: Speechless, holding back the tears. Hoping they are little prophets and can tell the future.

Class: My mom has 4 kids. She says it is too many. I know someone who has 6 kids......

Me: Seriously guys, we need to move on. Can someone tell me what are our life needs again?

SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT! I am sure more questions will come since there are 5 pregnant women at my school. I am sure more will show up later on during the year. I am also positive a kid will say, "Why does so and so have a big belly and you don't?"

I love kids but sometimes their words really hurt.