Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Art of Coasting

I went to church today. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in bed. The thought of seeing the faces of so many who know what happened to me just made me uncomfortable.

Grumps had to work so I would be walking in alone. I timed it perfectly. I didn't want to go to the cafe for breakfast where I would sit around and have to engage in small talk. I walked into the building with a look of purpose on my face. I didn't allow eye contact to happen. I looked for my friends who I always sit with and beelined right to them.

I could feel the eyes on me. I know that it means that I am loved but I just didn't want to break down in front of the world. Before the music began I got a big hug from my friends mother in law. Tears welled up and I just laughed it all off and quickly asked her if she would take me in as one of her daughters. I turned to the other side and caught eyes with someone else. It wasn't a matter of seconds when I felt a cheek touching mine and a quick kiss. I was proud of her for not going on and on about me and her experience. The timing was perfect for the music to begin.

After the music I knew that people were thinking, How Can I get to Her? I just coasted by. I would get a quick hug and coast right by. I was trying hard to get to the bathroom but ran into many of my dear friends.

More hugs came. More "I am doing okay" came out. BUT I perfected the art of coasting. I am a pro at changing the subject. Moving the conversation along or just ending them. It felt good to be loved but it felt good to hold the control.


Jay said...

You do what you can to get by. ((((hugs))))
Good for you for going. You're a brave woman.

Sunny said...

I am glad I went but man it did take nerve. :)

r.a.w. said...

I am proud of you for going. Sometimes it is so hard. We have been TTC for over 2 years, and have had 3 unsuccessful Clomid cycles. I can't even pretend that I have gone through what you have. But even so, there have been days where I have walked out of church services in tears because of all the little faces staring back at me during the children's message - and days where I have not gotten out of bed so I wouldn't have to see those faces.

It's not easy. I'm proud of you.


Sunny said...

raw I totally have been there too with not wanting to go to church because of the little faces and the BIG BELLIES! For awhile it was like a plague with everyone around me pregnant. I was also working in the nursery. YES STUPID but it gave me a place to hold and pray for little ones. Now that we have lost ours I am taking a break from that. I even thought about pulling out of church for a bit but my small group threatened to pull me out of bed. I do NOT go to church on mother's day, father's day or baby dedication day. I just can't handle those days at all. I am sure God totally understands.

Thank you for being proud of me. BUT it wasn't me, it was GOD!

GLouise said...

You are brave! Much love,

Sunny said...

Thank you Glouise. I don't feel so brave. Maybe if I repeat it to myself over and over again it will come true. :)