Saturday, August 19, 2006

Forgetting

The other day after visiting the room I came back to bed to find that I was forgetting my little one. I was forgetting the entire experience. I felt lost.

Last weekend when I was trying to cope with the news I began to push everything away. I believe I was just trying to forget to just deal with the now. My friend D asked me if that was what I was doing, trying to forget. It caught me off guard for a bit but I told her that I guess I was trying to do that. I was trying to just cope. Forgetting was coping. I just wanted to move on and start over and not hurt.

That moment when I couldn't remember anything I just cried in Grumps arms. I was scared that I would not remember my little one and the amazing experience that we had for 8 weeks. Grumps was just precious. He held me and began to retell me all that had happened. He reminded me of my little belly that was popping and how I loved to rub it. He just whispered it all to me in the dark while I cried holding the bear blanket as if I was holding my little one. We both went to sleep in tears that night. I vowed not to ever push it all away into the dark parts of my mind again. I needed to grieve and remember and not forget so that I could heal.

I still am not sure what I will do with our little picture. It is in a beautiful frame from a friend. We had planned to update that frame with each new picture we received. Now the picture and frame are in the room. Do I bring it into my room? Do I just let it go? I truly am torn. Maybe I need to wait a bit longer to decide. But everytime I close my eyes I see my little one with its precious heart beating away.

4 comments:

Emmie said...

Sunny,

I just saw your post on my blog and came over to read yours. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain must be amplified now by your brother's good news. I have no idea how I would cope with what you are going through, but it sounds like you are strong and your faith in your miracle will make it a reality one day. I'll be thinking of you.

Jay said...

I just read the news and my heart and prayers go out to you.
You'll never forget your baby Sunny. As time goes on it gets easier, but you never ever forget.

If you need me, let me know. I've been down that dark road too many times.

You have an amazing dh. Hold onto each other always.

snapshots said...

I have no words. Just tears. I love you!

Sunny said...

Emmie I found you last night and really enjoyed your blog. I will be popping in more often.

Jay THANK YOU for the perfect words. I thought of you through it all.

Snaps LOVE YOU!