Forgetting

The other day after visiting the room I came back to bed to find that I was forgetting my little one. I was forgetting the entire experience. I felt lost.

Last weekend when I was trying to cope with the news I began to push everything away. I believe I was just trying to forget to just deal with the now. My friend D asked me if that was what I was doing, trying to forget. It caught me off guard for a bit but I told her that I guess I was trying to do that. I was trying to just cope. Forgetting was coping. I just wanted to move on and start over and not hurt.

That moment when I couldn't remember anything I just cried in Grumps arms. I was scared that I would not remember my little one and the amazing experience that we had for 8 weeks. Grumps was just precious. He held me and began to retell me all that had happened. He reminded me of my little belly that was popping and how I loved to rub it. He just whispered it all to me in the dark while I cried holding the bear blanket as if I was holding my little one. We both went to sleep in tears that night. I vowed not to ever push it all away into the dark parts of my mind again. I needed to grieve and remember and not forget so that I could heal.

I still am not sure what I will do with our little picture. It is in a beautiful frame from a friend. We had planned to update that frame with each new picture we received. Now the picture and frame are in the room. Do I bring it into my room? Do I just let it go? I truly am torn. Maybe I need to wait a bit longer to decide. But everytime I close my eyes I see my little one with its precious heart beating away.