Friday, August 25, 2006

The Up's and Down's

This week has been full of up's and down's. During the day I am feeling good, flying high, holding tight and almost feeling normal. Then it doesn't take long for a comment, a belly, maternity clothes at Target, a tv show, whatever... to drop to a low.

When I drop I just got blah. I don't cry. Even though I wish I could. I just tune out. Grumps has caught me doing it a couple of times. I have some friends who can see it too. I hate it when I get there. The whole day felt normal and then it turns sour.

Yesterday everywhere I looked there were perfect little pregnant bellies. I turn my head quickly in hopes that my brain didn't register the site. HA! It doesn't work like that. Target had the best clothes all season. I didn't mean to even see them but they were on the edge where I had to walk. I stared as a pregnant woman with a tiny belly tried a jacket on. I almost lost it there.

I got a phone call last night from my sister in law thanking me for the baby gift that I sent. She is due in 2 weeks. Thank the Lord we live hundreds of miles away. The last time I had spoken to her was with our good news of being pregnant. I could hear the sadness in her voice as she asked how I was doing. I am the best liar in the world. "GREAT!!! School starts next week. We are having a karaoke party here tomorrow night. Everything is going well." You could tell that she was taken aback. I just wanted to avoid the entire topic all together. It worked! I not only am a master at liar I rock at ending a phone conversation.

Finally I went upstairs to watch Windfall. It has been one of my favorite shows all summer. Of course the stupidest character gets pregnant. Not only does it show her going to the doctor, it shows her u/s. First of all, she is too early to have an external u/s done to her. Secondly the baby looked to be at 12 weeks or more. Impossible. Finally she heard the heartbeat. LOUD! I cried. We didn't get that pleasure.

Does anyone have a clue when the ups and downs will end? I doubt they will ever be over. I don't even think getting pregnant will take care of them. I am sure I will be so worried then that the downs will appear just like they are now. It just drives me nuts how sudden they hit. I can't do anything to stop them! Vicadin anyone! I have 3 left!


snapshots said...

{hugs} I've had so many moments thinking about you and G and the baby today. Lot's of teary eyed moments. Love you!

Sarah said...

Sunny - I totally understand the ups and downs. I still have them almost a year later. Little things will bring the memories of what I should be experiencing right now. If you ever want to talk - you know where I am. LOVE YOU!

Shazz said...

Sweety after losing our little girl nearly 7 months ago I still have them, I dont think its something that will ever just go away, but as people keep saying to me the days get easier and I have to say after her due date it did....slightly!! Sending lots of hugs. If ya ever want to chat stop by my blog and I'll give ya my messenger id.

Sunny said...

Thank you girls. I had a good day yesterday until I began to play pregnant detective. I guess that is another blog for another day. :)

Shazz I have been to your blog before. I am sorry for your loss. I am glad to hear that it does get a little easier.