My Husband

This last shot of Lupron has really been tough. My first shot really effected my body. It created crazy side effects. I thought that my second shot would just continue along the same path. Nope, it created a new list plus the old. My biggest problem has been my moods. They have been all over the place. I will be fine one minute and then the next minute I am yelling and ranting about nothing. I know that most woman are like that on a normal basis, but not me. I am laid back and pretty even. Along with the moods come the "I don't cares." I just let life pass me by with no problem, that includes the dog, the house, everything.

My husband has been so faithful to me. I have been the one in our marriage to do the 'home' things (except for the vaccuming, putting the clothes away, trash and windows). But since my last shot and my moods I have just let it all go. My husband, better known as Grumps, instead of getting onto me like he normally would, has just silently taken care of my life that I have let pass me by. When the laundry gets piled up he starts it and puts it away. When there is no food in the house, he orders dinner. When the dog is driving me crazy he takes her and plays with her. When I have problems sleeping, he sleeps in the other room. When I don't want to have sex (which is all the time), he doesn't push but lets me be.

Grumps has been amazing. He hasn't been demanding for much. He has been my solid ground. He has held me and just let me be. He kisses my forehead and lets me know that life will get better.

Grumps I LOVE YOU!!!!

I See YOU!!!

I just saw that 6 people were reading my blog. I am so nosey that I had to add that function to my blogs. I want to 'see' people when they are on.

Now there are just 2!

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE without commenting! I want to know who you are and what you think!

My Girls

I love my girls! You know who you are!

Thank you to those who have listened to me and put up with all my woes.

Thank you for taking me out and making me laugh so that I don't sit and cry.

Thank you for seeing life through my eyes these days and getting frustrated with me.

Thank you for praying for me more than I pray for myself.

Thank you for all the kind words, hugs, and true support.

Thank you for tearing up when you know that my heart is breaking.

Thank you for getting that look in your eyes and smile on your faces when you think about my time to share my baby news.

Thank you for the phone calls, emails, chats, notes, presents, invites, evenings, and time!

Thank you for just letting me be me and still loving me in the end.

I love my girls. KISSES!!!

Eating

I have never loved food more than I do right now in my life. I have also never eaten food the way I have lately to make me happy. I guess it is pretty sad but I eat like I just don't care.

I used to way a lot more not too long ago. I worked really hard to get it off. I kept it off and was very fit up until we started trying to conceive. Then food became my comfort, my happy when life just stunk.

This summer I ate and drank like food didn't have fat and calories that stick right on those unpleasant places. It was so bad that I couldn't fit into my work clothes. I had to go on a shopping spree the night before I went back to school. I hated my body then. So disappointing. I got off that little weight that made my clothes uncomfortable. Now I just eat like I don't care. I really love it. I am aware of what I eat but it is just more fun to eat and drink and be merry.

Tonight I celebrated that tomorrow is Friday. I had 3 martinis, a salad with loads of dressing and salmon, 8 layer dip, and the night is still young. HA! There is almost nothing better than eating to put a smile on your face.

What is the one food that just makes all the bad seem faraway?

Picture

I have been told that my new picture isn't very flattering. That in fact it is scary. Does anyone have any better ideas? I am tired of seeing myself looking over my shoulder looking naked. HA! Help me be catchy and creative!!!

I need a new face!

Who Needs Sleep? #2

Today I was talking to an older lady that I work with. I told her how I didn't sleep well last night. I told her that I assumed I would sleep since I did over the weekend but that I woke up often instead. She told me that my sleep or lack there of sounded like her nights. She said that she had reasons for her sleeplessness, OLD but I didn't. I said, "DRUGS."

She had forgotten and then had this look on her face. She said that knowing what it will be like when you are old will just make you want to not be old even more. Is that ever true. I can only hope that menopause is kinder on me than Lupron. Lupron SUCKS! But someone told me today to keep my eyes on the prize. A baby!

Who Needs Sleep?

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she's three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell mew what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what your getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second Worldl War

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found
With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid

By Barenaked Ladies

Last night I thought that I would be able to sleep. I slept so good over the weekend that I felt there would be hope for the night. I never have a problem getting to sleep. As soon as my head hits the pillow I am gone. It is the middle of the night is the problem.

I wake up for the bathroom. I wake up to throw the covers off. I wake up to push the dog off me. I wake up to get some water. I wake up to stare at my husband. I wake up to check the clock again. I wake up to pray for the world. I wake up to my alarm.

By morning I have dark circles and a hang over. I have tried sleeping pills but if I don't get the perfect hours of sleep I have a HUGE hang over and can't function.

These crazy drugs! I have learned to pray for the world in a very effective way. I have also enjoyed my longer nights. I am dreaming of the day where sleep comes and stays so easily! Maybe it will be tonight!

Exhausted

That word sums up me right now. I am tired beyond words this week. I am tired body, mind and soul. This journey is wearing me out. This week is in slow motion. I feel like I am walking through thick mud and not making any progress. I am in last place in this infertility race today. Everybody is passing me by. It is amazing to even be lapped. How frustrating. How tiring. How... EXHAUSTING!!!

Today I have decided that this journey is the hardest place I have ever been. Maybe it is just because I am in the middle of it and the end seems so far away. But it is just so hard. I feel lost and hopeless. I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling alone even though I know I have the most amazing support group ever! I am tried of watching everyone getting their dreams as I sit on the sidelines. I am not bitter. I am just tired.

Tonight I tried to think back to what normal feels like. I don't remember. When life is normal and drugs aren't present is life this tiring? Do you feel sluggish? Does your body feel old? Do you hurt one minute and feel fine the next? Are you this emotional? I am ready for NORMAL!!! I have no answers. I don't even have a road map. All I know is that I am exhausted.

I, this blog is for you. I am not dead yet.

Do's and Don'ts: #1

I have decided to give some do's and don'ts for anyone who is going through infertility or just trying to get pregnant.

Do trim up when you go to the doctor. Trim everytime you go. You never know whent they want to 'take a look' down there. I went once just knowing they were only going to do bloodwork. They decided that they needed to do an exam as well. I wasn't prepared mentally but especially physically. I tried to explain that to the nurse. She told me that he has seen much worse. That still didn't help me. I want to be remembered as 'the one with everything trimmed!'

Don't use K-Yjelly or any lubricant like it if you are trying to get pregnant. I learn this after a year of trying. My doctor looked at me like I was stupid. It isn't on anything. Noone had told me. But now I know.

If you have any do's and don'ts please do share. I will work on posting them once a week.

Put a Smile on My Face

This moment just flashed through my mind as I pig out on dump cake! It made me smile!

I went to the doctor for my first Lupron shot. The doctor wanted to give the shot in my upper butt. As he was trying to find the right spot he tells me, "I sure wish you weren't so thin and had more meat back here to get a hold of." I got the biggest smile on my face! He couldn't have said anything else to make my day any better! I didn't have enough meat on my butt! HA!!!!

Now that my last shot is up and coming, I thought I would help out the doctor and add some more padding back there! Boy, I think I need some more dump cake!!!

Laughing Points: #2

After my Lap I was in the recovery. I was still super groggy. I could hear my doctor talking in my ear and the nurses around me trying to wake me up. I felt awful! I started to feel like I needed to go to the bathroom. I started murmuring about it to the nurse. Next thing you know, she has stuffed a small bedpan between my legs. I pushed and pushed and felt like I had made success. The nurse lets me know that there is nothing there but blood and shoves a pad between my legs this time.

Then I really began to wake up. I started to hurt. But guess where? Right down south. I then thought I would let everyone else know how bad I hurt. I shouted out "Man I feel like I just had sex with an elephant." The nurse just looks at me. Most people would have laughed. But she just stared. So I thought, maybe I should yell it out again. MAN, I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAD SEX WITH AN ELEPHANT!!!

I guess that comment let the nurse know that it was time for me to leave. When I got back to my mom and friends guess what I did again? I yelled about my elephant that I had slept with! The nurse was so embarrassed and told me that I needed to stop.

I had everyone laughing at this point! I began to giggle too!!!

Laughing Points: #1

It is funny how in a very 'not so fun' situation we can find humor. Maybe it is a way to cope. A way to deal with the awful moment. Maybe it is just truly funny. The funniest part being you shouldn't be laughing or you are the only one laughing, in your head. (I will stop the rambling and get to my laughable points)

Have you ever had a Post Coital test? Oh the joys of testing. My husband and I had done the due. I headed to the doc for that great momenting of checking out the love juice. I had to undress and just 'hang out' on the table till the doc arrived. The nurse was so excited because this was her first test of this kind. She was just all excited. HA! As I am sitting there where I sat kept getting wetter and wetter. I was so embarrassed. But it only got worse. It started to run down my leg. Great, the doc isn't even here yet! When he came into the room I just thought in my head, "how fun, he is now looking at my love juice not only in me but moving its way down me." (sorry for those faint at heart but this is a blog about infertility.)

The doctor was super impressed with my love juice. He even had a smile on his face. I had my arm across my face by this time. I am almost positive that I was blushing.

It was time for me to get dressed. When I got up from the table, there it was, that dreaded wet spot. It was HUGE! I couldn't just leave it there for all the world to see. So I balled up the paper and rushed out of the room.

Now I know that wasn't hilarious but it sure was funny in my head!

Too Tired

I know that I had said I would tell you my funny story while ttc and testing. But I am pretty pooped today! Could it be that I stay up way too late so that I sleep through the night? Man I have dark circles.

My brain is mush and so are my reflexes. I just need to sleep. Sorry for the sob story but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. I know all my fans out there have been checking and refreshing all day waiting for my story. The crowd goes wild with laughter!!!

I shall save my story for another day when I can be a lot funnier!

Funny Moments

What is your funniest moment you have experienced during your journey? I know that there aren't many but when one happens it makes you laugh out loud so hard! You want to share it with everyone but when you do, they smile but don't really get it.

Share that moment here!

I'll give you mine tomorrow!

"Happy" Hours

During this journey I have had some rotten days! I mean ROTTEN! Low, low, low days. These days would be riggered by normal things, a song on the radio, a child's smile, a pregnant belly, a comment that meant to be helpful, that little dark voice that is inside my head: "you will never have a child". The list goes on and on. On these days I would hide somewhere and cry. I wouldn't let my tears go too long. I didn't want anyone to know how week I was. On those days I could always count on my friends.

I would start with an email, "Hey guys, is anyone up for a happy hour? I really need one." That is all I needed to say and they would drop everything to go be 'happy' with me. Very rarely did we talk about what was making me not so happy. We would drink good margaritas and eat catfish. I would talk about sex and other inappropriate things. We all would laugh! By the end of the night my load had been lifted!

I love my support group! My friends that drop their world to help pick up mine. These friends pray for me and remind me of my hope!

I thank God for those 'happy' hours and most of all the best group of friends anyone could have!

Neglecting

I feel like I am neglecting this blog! I want it to be insightful and helpful so I over think things here. I want to be free here! My plan is to give this blog just as much love and attention as I do Chickenhead With Cold Feet!

'Helpful People'

Now this post isn't about those that have truly been my support. This post is for all those out there who try to be 'helpful'. The 'helpful' are those who think they have the answer for infertility. They don't think before they speak. Yes, don't get me wrong, they try super hard to help. They actually think they are truly helping. I don't hold a grudge. I don't hate them. But I sure do get irritated by them.

Here's my list of 'helpful' words from those 'helpful' people:

*Just relax and you will get pregnant.
*Stop stressing and your time will come.
*When you think too much about it, it is like waiting for water to boil.
*Your time will come.
*This is just preparing you to be a great mom.
*You are young.
*You have plenty of time.
*Get a dog, it will do the trick.
*Stop temping and it will happen.
*Get your mind on something else.
*Start the adoption process.

I am sure there are many other 'helpful' comments out there. Feel free to add your own. Let's see the list grow!

Doctors and Their Offices

It is so important that you have a great connection and relationship with your doctor. It is also important that your doctor has a great staff to support you through.

Horror story! I called my old doctor and asked for an appointment to go over our test results and to move on with our game plan. I had only a window of opportunity for this appointment since my husband had the week off. The receptionist tells me that she doesn't have any openings. I asked if I could come in on Saturday. I knew that my doctor was in on Saturdays. She tells me that they don't see patients like me on Saturdays. WHAT THE HECK!!! I tried to explain that my husband's job doesn't do 'time off'. She says that there is nothing that they can do for me. It gets even better. She tells me that my husband needs to get his priorities straight. That if we want to have children he needs to check his priorities or not have any. I was so shocked and tried my hardest not to cry. I asked her if I could be put on a waiting list. She told me NO that I could call everyday to see if there were any cancellations. Finally I asked if she could do anything to help me. NOPE she said and hung up on me. I sat in my car and cried. I was so hurt and wanted to give up. I would not go back to him.

I started to pray. I wanted a doctor who understood where I was. Who would comfort me, encourage me, who would do whatever possible to get me pregnant. I wanted a Christian doctor. A friend a work found a website where I could search for Christian doctors in my area. I found 2 doctors. I went with the male doctor whose office was on my way home from work. I made my appointment. They sent me information on their office. They said that at times they would pray for their patient. That is what I needed, prayer. At my first visit my doctor spent over an hour taking down my history and planning the next course of action. He told me to start praying. After every appointment he said that we just need to pray hard! I LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!

Find the doctor that fits you! Yes mine doesn't specialize in infertility. But he does specialize in caring and prayer.

Now they could work on having magazines in their office that are not all about babies and being a parent. That will be another post for another day!

Lupron: the love/hate relationship

Lupron is the drug from hell. I am hoping that it turns into the miracle drug but right now it is the drug from hell. Here's the downlow on the drug. I have severe endometriosis. It has covered my 'everythings' and then some. Doctors aren't really sure what truly causes it and why it hits some woman and not others. But they do think that it is caused by too much estrogen. So that is where Lupron comes in. Lupron puts your body into a menopausal state. My body is now a 60ish year old woman. To all those who are in menopause my heart goes out to you. IT SUCKS!!! Here is my list of problems/side effects/menopause since my lovely Lupron.

*Hot Flashes from hell!!!* I thought I understood what a hot flash was like before I had one. NO WAY! Hot is an understatement! For all those ladies out there, here is the best way I can explain them. You know when you are about to have an orgasm? That slow hot feeling that rises through you. It creeps up hot and slow with a strange sweat. Well that is a hot flash minus the actual orgasm that we all so love. It is like never reaching the peak but just going over and over again with the heat. Sometimes they are long and slow and come on like a wave. Other times they are fast and quick and take my breath away. Remember, When Harry Met Sally and Sally has her fake orgasm in the restaurant? That is what I sound like when they come on quick. I used to think that women with hot flashes were over dramatic. WRONG!!! They should be more dramatic. HA!

*Green discharge* I haven't had this for a while but when I did, yuck is all I could say. It actually woke me up in the night. It was just like water. I woke up with wet sheets. AWFUL and GROSS!

*Insomnia* Due to the hot flashes. How awful to be awake in the middle of the night soaked and awake next to someone who is fast asleep. I have prayed for many of you during those long, slow nights.

*Exhaustion * It is crazy how tired I have been. I think I have slept great but wake up so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. Thanks to Coke Zero! It has been my lifesaver!!! I have tried sleep helps but lately the leave me with a hangover. I will just stick to Coke Zero!

*Lupron Brain* I can't remember crap! I can't keep a cohesive train of thought. After doing some reading I found that this is from lack of sleep! It never ends, this viscous cycle.

*NO SEX LIFE* This wouldn't be such a bad thing if I weren't married. My poor husband is so deprived. I try to do "other things" to make him happy but it still isn't the same. I hate the thought of sex. It hurts like nothing other! I am dry as a bone. Even if I think I am turned on like crazy, DRY! I have tried many helps but nothing helps the pain. I even bleed a bit afterwards. It is just awful. I hope my husband knows that I love him without the sex.

*Itchies* At one point I had this mysterious itch. It woke me up in the night. I tried creams and benodryl. Nothing stopped it. Later I found out that I had shingles. HA! Way too funny!

*Weight Gain* Just call it the CHUNK CHUNK. It also didn't help that I spent most of my summer in bed watching tv and having 'fun' drinks to lift my spirits. I had to make an emergency run to Target and Walmart the night before school started so I could have something to wear. AWFUL! I am too tired to workout!

*The Blahs* I am a super up beat person. I let everything just roll off my back. Well the blahs are awful for me. They make me just want to curl up in bed and never get out again.

*MOODS* My name is Sunny! Therefore I am usually Sunny! With my last shot of this drug, Lupron hit my moods in such a bad way. I now have balls. Before I would just do whatever and never really speak my mind. Now my moods are out of control. I go off and freak out over everything. I hate this part of me!

*Zits* Self explanatory!

*Facial Hair* I love having a nice peach fuzz on my chin.

I think I have touched on all the ways how the drug from hell has effected my life. I have one more shot left. Lets see if I can add anything to the list. Thank God with the next shot I get some add back hormone therapy!

I am hoping that at the end of this journey with Lupron I can take the hell out of it and put the world Miracle!