Lost

In my last post I said, "lost her baby".

I HATE SAYING THAT!

I guess I said it because it wasn't about me. But when I talk about our baby I don't say lost. I might say miscarriage or even just talk as if she is still alive. (I believe in my heart it was a girl. We both wanted a little boy but I just knew it was a girl.) I also say, "When we were pregnant..."

Saying, "We lost the baby" is like we forgot it at the store and couldn't find it again.

I never lost it. She is so in my heart and in my thoughts all the time.

Today in church as our pastor talked of heaven, I imagined meeting my little one and crying tears of joy. I battled over there not being tears in heaven. I can't imagine not seeing my baby without crying.

Last night I fell asleep pretty early. Grumps made me go on this ridiculous hike. I was pretty beat. I remember waking up just barely as Grumps was settling in for bed. He opened my arms to hold the baby bear/blanket that Snaps gave us. I wish I could have seen his eyes. I am sure they would have been sad. I am sure he thought what I think every time I hold it. "I wish I was holding my baby."

I never lost my baby. I know exactly where she is. She is waiting for me.