Busy BEE!!! UPDATED!!!

THAT IS ME!!!

School started today. The kids aren't there but school is definitely back in session. I am working so hard to getting my room looking just so. UGH! My summer was just too good to end. SO if I don't post as often or reply to your emails know it isn't because I don't love you. It is because I have to make money some how to live where I live.

I LOVED all the comments on my last couple of posts. I FEEL SO LOVED! If you still haven't added an email to your blog DO IT! I want to reply back through email but can't when you don't help me. Just go to go*gle and get an address just for your blog and comments. There were so many good thoughts out there. I wanted to comment on them!

For my secret deleted post.... I will blog about it again but in a different, non drunk, light. :)

MAN I hate I am back at work. I have a million posts going on in my head. Here is a peak!!!

The great lengths of DTD!

UPDATED!!!!
Meeting bloggers! ( I LOVED MY TIME WITH LJ and MEG!!! *** Edited to say MEL!!! I am so sorry! I owe you a drink. I don't know a Meg. LOL!!!)

and

Never published posts!!!!

Until then, keep it real. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Your Blog, My Poll

If you were checking blogs last night you might have read one of my crazy posts. I was having a moment. Well I went to bed with clarity realizing it was stupid. This morning I decided to delete it. I have NEVER deleted a post before. But this was one which won that honor. Now onto better things!

Does your spouse read your blog?

I had a talk about this with fellow bloggers. They both said yes. I was sort of surprised. I have no problem with Grumps reading my blog. I have told him before to check it out. But he is afraid I might portray him in a bad light. I have opened my blog at left it at certain posts for him to read. He is usually amazed at how fast I can get my thoughts out. I just throw out my words. He over thinks and analyzes. He wants it to be perfect. I just want to get my thoughts out there.

SO once again, does your spouse read your blog? How do you feel about it?

Making Amends

Do you remember my mom?

Well I guess she realized her insensitivity. I got a call from her yesterday asking if I would be home today. She was sending me something. A surprise. It arrived today in a long box.
The note said something about making my day and how God had something good coming my way soon.

We will never be able to 'talk' about my problem but at least she realizes when she should be more sensitive. I am pretty impressed!

The Bookstore

The other day Grumps and I went to one of the big chain bookstores. I LOVE BOOKS! But I hate big bookstores. I get lost. I feel overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin my journey.

I hit the front displays. I browse through the sale items. I move onto the recent paperbacks. I find myself walking through the mysteries. Next is the self helps. Finally the 'naughty' books.

Well today I did my usual walk. I found a couple of maybe books. I decided to be naughty early on during my walk. I didn't last long there. There was some gross guy following me and standing nearby. No thank you! I ended up at the fertility section. Guess what I found? Yep I found a miscarriage book right next to a Get Pregnant Naturally book. I almost threw up in my mouth and then spewed it in laughter. I couldn't wait to run and tell Grumps. Who thought of that mix? But it didn't surprise me. That right there is an infertile's life. STUPID!

By the way, I ended up buying one of those mystery books. I carried it over to the big stuffed chairs to read a bit. I actually fell asleep. THEN I found the nasty man sitting close by with his own naughty book taking notes. I got up to leave after that. It was just too much for one night!

Change of Subject

Why do I try to share my heart or whatever with my mom? WHY! I know what will happen EVERY TIME! The funny thing I really wasn't even truly sharing my heart.

She called to check in on my tonight. Grumps is out of town. My dad is out of town. So we talk for a long time. We talk about everything. I start talking about my mother in law. I move on to talking about how infertility can be like a rollercoaster. She listens to me for maybe a minute when there is an abrupt change of subject.

It goes something like this:

Me: You know I told my MIL how infertility is like a rollercoaster. You have really good days and then one word is said and BAMB a bad day. Of course my MIL says it is hormones.

My Mom: Let me tell you something that happened the other day....

Not even a WOW or AW or I'm sorry but

CHANGE OF SUBJECT COMPLETELY!

Why can't she just realize I HAVE A PROBLEM? Does she think it isn't there? Does she really think if we don't talk about it God will just fix it? Does she still believe it is all my fault? My faith still isn't big enough, strong, enough, or even there!

I would give my right foot for my mom to be different sometimes. Yes, she sends me cards saying, I love you, all the time. BUT changes the subject on a dime. If only she knew how ugly my life can get.

Don't get me wrong, I love her. BUT I need to learn to keep my stupid infertility thoughts to myself. Remind me not to tell her when we start up our IUIs again.

Catching Up

First, I blog in my head. Yep I blog all day in my head. My favorite place to blog is in the shower. I create posts. Many of them just stay in my head. Others get typed out and never posted. I am tempted to just post all of them with the dates attached. Some of them I am afraid to post. Others are really low places. Many are just stupid and I am embarrassed. So dumb. It is my blog. I should feel more confident. So I have been blogging in my head. Here are some of my thoughts.

My summer is over and all I can think about is last year at this time. Last year I was so afraid to go back to work. I was afraid everyone could read my mind and know I had been pregnant. I was sad. I wasn't myself. I just sat in silence during all the meetings. Now this year, I am afraid people will ask if I am pregnant. I am not sure I why I am afraid. I just don't want to look pregnant. I am far from pregnant. Can I just stop the clocks and keep living this summer over and over again? I have loved it to the fullest!

My little nephew has won my heart. Once again last year when I got the call that he was born I cried and cried. It was so hard to hear about someone having a baby and being so full of joy when I had lost mine. My mom let me know my sister in law and brother needed more things for the boy. During my loss I had to buy more baby gifts. I cried and cried during that too. Now a year later I am in love with that little fellow.

When I helped keep in at the beginning of the summer I was so afraid of being with him. It didn't take long to fall in love. It was very bittersweet. I would hold him, rock him, tell him secrets. He would respond and laugh and hold me tight. I wanted to keep him for myself. Now I just spent some time buying him things for his 1st birthday. It wasn't hard. I LOVED IT! I wasn't bitter. I wasn't sad. I was happy to have in my life. I couldn't stop spending money. I wish I could show you his cute picture for his invite. He looks like my brother at that age. Priceless grin with new teeth, almost white blond hair, and a cute full face. It makes me wish we lived closer. I would love to hear him say, "Aunt Sunny!"

Childhood friends are far and few for me. I keep up with them from a distance. I moved too many times in my life to keep up with people. I wish I could go back and get clothes to many of them again. But too much time has passed. We aren't the same people. Some times it makes me sad.

If you made it through this post I applaud you! BORING would be my thoughts. I just had to get these 'posts' out of my head and onto my blog.

Add Ons UPDATED!!!

With all my summer time I have been adding new things to my blog. If you read other IF blogs you might see some new add ons to their blogs as well.

Here we go!

First I have updated my blogs which I link to. There are many new blogs and many bloggers who have recently received BFPs! I challenge you to check out a new blog. There are many amazing blogs out there who deserve your support!

Lost and Found

Here is a wonderful place to stay connected with all the stirrup-queens out there! Announcements, new blogs, and anything else you need to know are posted here daily! Check it out!

Join the Traveling DVD




If you missed Jenna's amazing moment on Oprah last week, join the traveling dvd!

Also don't forget about my posts that hit home on my sidebar! I have found some amazing new posts floating around the blog world these days! Give them some love!

UPDATED!!!
Finally I am playing around with an iTunes function. It is called, My iTunes Widget. It is located on my sidebar at the bottom. It lists my favorite groups and singers according to iTunes. It has taken me forever to get it to look the way it is supposed to. Yet I am not sure if it is working right. We shall see how long this new little add on lasts!

My Summer Goals

I need to lighten the air around here. My last couple of posts are such downers. THANK YOU for the amazing encouraging words. I felt surrounded by love!

SO back to my summer goals.

My summer is almost over. I have 2 more weeks left before I head back to work. BLECH! I don't want to go back but I have no choice.

I feel really good about my summer and the goals I made. I actually accomplished all of them minus one.

* My first goal was to learn to drink beer! I think I have mastered this one. There are some beer I have to work hard to drink, Coors Light, piss water! Other beers are actually craved: Molson Canadian, Blue Moon, Miller Chill and the local brewery. I am feeling pretty proud of myself. HA!

* Clean out the closets. Grumps and I actually did it this week. He also got the urge to pull out all the furniture and clean the carpets. I was grumpy about it all until he started giving me beer. We also enjoyed a good laugh looking at old photos.

* Getting a tan at K's pool. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

* Little trips with friends. We have visited wineries (we have another trip planned for this Monday!), enjoyed the beach, happy hours, and much more. We still have some more pool time and a concert this week!

* Meet up with the DC bloggers! YEP and I had a blast! I am hoping I can make the next one.

* Read a couple of books. I have read 4 in fact!!! Two James Patterson, The Scandalous Summer of Sissy LeBlanc (WAY FUN!) and Drowning Ruth. They all were a good read!

I totally forgot. I read 5 books this summer. I started a Patricia Cornwell book 2 years ago. Yep, I just couldn't get into it. I finally finished it this summer. I amaze myself how I can still remember the beginning of the book.

* RELAXING totally was a number one priority.

My walks didn't happen. It just got too dang hot but I did start Weight Watchers.

How did your summer go?

I Don't

Want to be 31 and childless~!

I love my husband but this is not what I had EVER imagined my life would ever be.

I can promise you, I won't have a baby by the time I am 32. I won't have a baby by the time we have been trying for 5 years.

I DON'T LIKE TODAY!

A Million Thoughts

All surrounding the same theme...

My little angel.

All week I have been thinking about last year at this time. The days and dates consume my thoughts throughout my day. You want to take a peak into what I have been thinking about? Here goes:

Monday, a year ago, I wasn't feeling myself. Actually I felt sick at one point during my day. I am almost positive my little angle left me that day.

Today, a year ago, I didn't need a nap. When I was pregnant I would have a 2 hour nap a day. This day I never got tired, even as I and I shopped our hearts out.

Tomorrow, we went to the doctor expecting to see our little one with a HUGE heartbeat. Instead I felt the world standstill. No heartbeat. My world felt like it was coming to an end.

Saturday, a year ago, our worst fear was confirmed. No more baby.

Tuesday, a year ago, it all ended with a d&c.

I can't stop thinking about it. I really don't want to stop thinking about last year. It sounds crazy but I want to remember and honor the little bit of life we had for that split second.

Today Grumps and I cleaned the house. I put things away and sorted out all of our junk. In the process I came across the many cards given to us during that sad time. I wiped the dust off our only u/s picture. I haven't put it away. How can I? When will I be able to? I know D still has her u/s pictures on her refrigerator. It all makes me so sad.

Tomorrow we plan to go out and celebrate/mourn our little angel. I would much rather have 'her' in my arms instead.

The other night on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a dance and song that touched my soul. It was about a father and daughter meeting again in heaven after he had died. I could only think about my angel. One day I will see her again.

Time by Billy Porter