The V Word

I hate the V word. I hate saying it. I hate hearing it. I know it is better than the p word which is just crude and obscene. But the V word is so personal.

Today I finally to talk to a human voice at the doctor. My discharge, crampy situation never cleared up. I needed to get it taken care of soon before the pain got worse. The nurse tells me that I have Group B Strep in my VAGINA! Did she need to say that word on the phone? Where else would I have that? I didn't let them swab anything else. It was just a given to me. I had a problem with my hoohoo.

I know I should be a grown up and use the grown up word. I would just rather use the good ole trusty replacements: Hoo Hoo, Noo Noo, Hooch, Hoochie... They sound silly but to me they are much better than the V word.

Any names to add to my list?

Baby!!!

Oh boy do I want one!!! or two or three or four!

My time with my drugs are coming to a slow crawling end. I cannot wait to start temping. To start obsessing. To start freaking out every month.

I never thought I would say that. I used to hate the morning routine of grabbing my thermometer and shoving it into my mouth with as little movement as possible. I hated waiting for the beep and then trying to remember what my temperature was so I could record it later. I hated the BFN and the stupid amount of money I spent on those dumb tests. I HATED it all!

But now I can't wait for all of the chaos to begin!

2 months, 1 week, 3 days to go!!!

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I LOVE Christmas and the meaning that it brings to my life but I love Thanksgiving and meaning of family.

Growing up as a kid every year we would gather around the table and share what we were thankful for. I used to dread that moment. I felt embarrassed sharing those kind of things with my family. My mom always went over the deep end. It would take way too long as the food got cold.

One year we had to bring a Bible scripture to table to share with our "What We Were Thankful For" list. I brought Psalms 100. I was getting older and beginning to truly understand the meaning of Thanksgiving. Family.

Since then it has been my favorite. I love the food that my mom makes. The time of laughter that we all share. I loved the games and movies we would watch once everything was cleaned up. I enjoyed laying close to my mom on the couch, feeling so close and loved. I loved eating the leftovers and dessert for the rest of the day. Making dinner whenever you were ready. I loved the friends that would pop over unannounced.

Being married has thrown a small kink into the family Thanksgiving. Grumps works all the time. There is really no point in taking that little bit of time off for the holiday when I only get 2 days off from work and my family lives at least 13 hours away from me. Now I can only dream of what is going on at home. I call and listen to the family get lunch together. I call to share the deals that I found while shopping. I laugh at what we ate and how lazy I was in the preparations of it.

Thanksgiving isn't the same but I am still very thankful.

I am thankful for my amazing husband, Grumps. He can drive me crazy sometimes like no other but then other times he can melt my heart.

I am thankful for my dog, Itsy. Yes, that sounds so silly but she has brought so much joy into our lives where joy was slim.

I am thankful for my family. We never see each other but life doesn't change when we are together.

I am thankful for my friends. My friends have turned into my family. They have carried me when the road got too long.

I am thankful for health and health to come!

I am thankful for my job, home, things, and life.

Most of all I am thankful for my God who loves me more than anyone can possibly show love.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Even though I am 2 days late.

If you are a Chickenhead reader then sorry for the repeat!

Grossed OUT

I just did a search on Google for pelvic exams. I didn't think I would really actually see pictures of one. Yep, many pictures of pelvic exams. I guess I am pretty niave to think otherwise.

If you would like to see what one looks like, just do a little image search! I will not be posting any of those pictures here.

I didn't need to see them. I am now scarred for life!

Let me know if you did a little search of your own! It is like a car crash!

Another Fun Moment

Just in case I had all of you worried, I am not rotting on the inside! I have a lovely bacteria infection thingy. How do I know that?

I called my doctor, well actually the nurse. They actually called me back in no time and wanted to push me in for an appointment. THAT NEVER happens. Remember the phone tag and the week of wait? I was shocked and for sure wanted to get in. But I wasn't prepared.

You may ask, "Prepared for what?" That is what the nurse said to me.

Prepared for my lovely hoohoo exam.

Thank God I actually shaved today or I would look more monkey than human. As for my lovelies, they weren't ready. Neither was my mind.

When you know you are going to get looked at you do some mind preparation. You psych yourself up for it all. I didn't have that option. So during my exam I kept talking and tried not to picture what was going on. I tried to push it all away.

I just love the fun little moments I get to experience in this journey!

Hormones

I love my new hormones! I love actually having estrogen back inside me. I never thought that missing that one little thing could make your life a living hell.

Now that I have that little hormone back in my body, my world is such a different place. I sleep at night. My hot flashes are gone. My moods are under control. I feel like me again. I actually have a sex drive. THAT will save my marriage if nothing else. (Not like it is falling a part but my Grumps sure has been deprived a tiny bit!)

I love my little blue box that has the little round pills that I pop out right before bed. I actually get excited each night as I pop it into my mouth. That little pill means my life is getting closer to normal. It means that my countdown is soon to becoming to an end.

I think I am in love with hormones!

My Insides

Sorry for the complaining ahead of time but it just seemed like here was a good place to place them.

My insides hurt. My lovely green goo is gone but the cramping is still here. My lower back hurts. My ovaries or at least that area hurts. It is like I am ovulating but way more intense.

Of course my thoughts go to the worst. I keep thinking that my insides are rotting away. Grumps on the other hand says that it is the Lupron eating the bad stuff away. Logic tells me the eating part should be done by now. Am I dying?

I know that I say that in jest but seriously why do I hurt? Infection? I need to call my doctor but we know how great they are about returning my phone calls, not to mention the holiday is coming up.

Anyone out there have any great sound advice?

One more little one in heaven

A dear friend of mine lost her little one to heaven a couple of weeks ago. She had been praying for this baby for a year. She was so surprised when she got her BFP and could call herself a mom.

She never thought that God would need her little one. She never thought she would have to say goodbye. I am very proud of her and how strong she has become through this.

I have never been there. I don't know what it is like to lose something you have been begging God for. But I do know what it is like to do the begging. I do know what it is like to have your heart hurt so bad.

There are so many babies in heaven. I can just hear them play. When we get there, what an amazing sight will it be to see all those families brought back together.

Sarah, your little one will be waiting for you. It can show you around God's big place. I love you! Your next miracle will come soon.

Praise You in this Storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And thought my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

by Casting Crowns Lifesong

This song says it all!!! When it comes on my iPod I turn it up and sing with all I've got! I will praise Him through it all! He is my strength!

Infertility Everywhere #1

It amazes me how many people I have bumped into who have or had infertility issues.

I talked to a lady today from work who told me that if I ever wanted to talk she understands where I am. I never thought she had been effected by infertility.

She tells me her story.

She had been trying to get pregnant for over 8 years. She had trouble even having a period. She talked about her awful experience with Provera and how it made her crazy. Finally after many tests, drugs and miscarriages, the doctors found that she had a genetic disorder where her body could not hold on to her babies.

She told me that when it is time to stop trying you will just know. It is hard when your family has kids. It is hard when people try to help and let you know that they know someone who finally got pregnant. She said that it does get easier but the tug in your heart never goes away.

She has made a life choice and has to live with it. She will not have children. Now I understand why she is the way she is. Now I have a personal connection with her.

We are everywhere!

You would be so proud!

You would be so proud of me! I was actually naughty with Grumps last night! I feel so much better about myself!

It must be the added hormones! I love hormone replacement therapy!

Laughing Points #4

Today I on my way to the doctor I had to go to the bathroom so bad. I knew that I had to hold it for that dreadful pee in a cup moment. When I got to the office I asked the receptionist if I could go ahead and pee in a cup. That wasn't a problem.

So I went in and 'wiped up' so that they could get a clean sample. I started to pee in the little cup and guess what I did? Yep, you guessed it. I peed all over my hand. I had to laugh at myself. I was thinking of getting home and telling the world about my stupid mistake.

Here's my question? Who thought up the whole pee in a cup idea? Seriously, how can you really predict your pee and your hoohoo?

Shocked

It is done! My last shot is finished and in my body. The countdown begins. At least it is a manageable time frame now. 3 months.

As I was waiting in the doctor's office I actually found a magazine that wasn't related to babies or parenting. I was totally shocked and amazed! It made sitting in a room full of preggo bellies way better. I should have said something to the staff but I didn't want to look like a dork. Doctor offices need way more magazines for us infertiles.

1,000 Mark

I can't believe that I am almost at my 1,000 mark!

As you click onto my little blog, will you do me a favor? Will you go and check my counter? If you are Mr./Mrs. 1,000 viewer, will you please shoot out a nice little comment to me? I want to send you a big prize. ::BIG SMILE::

Last Shot of Hope

Today I went and purchased my last shot of hope! I decided to call it that after thinking about how I will be so glad when I am done with this drug from hell; yet it is my only man made hope.

At the drive thru of CVS I just loved the little conversation that I had.

"Ma'am, Do you have any questions about this drug?"

Me: "Nope."

"What is your address?"

Me: "Blah blah blah blah"

"Um, (with a look of concern) it says here that I am to ask you about the price of this. Do you know that this drug is expensive?"

Me: "Ha! Yep!"

"Okay, well, um, the price is..... $397.00"

Me: "Yep! That would be the amount. This is my third and last shot of this little expensive drug."

By now her eyes have popped out of her head and she shakes her head, "yes" back to me. I bet she had a nice little conversation in her own head.

"What the heck is this for? Who in their right mind would purchase that? Is she dying? I really wonder why she needs that drug? WOW, I would hate that one. I need to memorize the name of that drug and look it up later. I can't wait to find out. She must be crazy!"

At least that would be the conversation in my head if I were here.

I hope this little shot of hope works!

My Year

I am now 30! I can't believe how time has flown by! I remember my 7th birthday that I had at Chucky Cheese. I remember my 13th. My parents gave me this HUGE bash! I remember turning 16 and being able to go out on dates without another couple. I remember my 20th and getting a basket of gifts from my mom. I remember last years hoping that I would get my BFP before I turned 30.

Now here I am 30 and my life goals haven't exactly all been accomplished. I have had a lot of reflecting time. Some of this time has been a nice little pity party. The other bit of time has been how I can make this year great.

I have decided to declare this year MY YEAR! My 30th year of my life is MY YEAR! I am taking charge! I WILL get my BFP! I WILL have my little miracle! I WILL celebrate life! I know, you might say that I am putting myself out there for more disappointment. NOPE, I am taking over and demanding a few things!

Anyone else want to join me?

Still Hate

I still hate my doctor! We have played phone tag all day and still no answer to my green goo! YUCK!!!

Maybe tomorrow, but I won't be home! I am off celebrating my big new decade of a birthday~!!!

I HATE!!!

I hate calling the doctor with a question and not hearing back from them until way after they have closed.

I hate when you do call them they aren't open.

I hate that when you call them back and they should be open and they still aren't!

I hate making phone calls anyway, much less leaving a message for all to hear about your hoohoo with green water coming out of it as my students are coming into my classroom.

I hate wearing panty liners because of the green goop!

I hate the green goop that looks, feels, and smells just not so fresh. (sorry for the TMI, well not really.)

I hate thinking that my insides are rotting and no one cares. Boy am I on a roll and getting quite dramatic!

I hate anything to do with my hoohoo!!!

Any other hates?

Laughing Points #3

I don't know if this is too funny. Okay K, my neighbor thought that it was.

You know that sleep is not all that great these days. That leads to a Lupron brain as I call it. I feel like I live in a fog. I forget things. I drop things. I just can't do much sometimes.

I have been trying to get packages together for different people. Many are way late gifts. So I get my little sister's package together. As I write her address I thing, "I am not sure that is right, but I guess it is." I finish up the address and put it away. Grumps had a break in his day where he could mail all the belated gifts. I was so glad to get them in the mail.

Today when he came home he had a package under his arm. I thought, "Yes, an early birthday present." He tells me that he has something that I need to look at. I needed to look closely at the envelope. As I look at it I say the address and soon realize that it is mine. I addressed my sister's package who lives no where near me to myself.

I have completely lost it!!!

K could not stop laughing! I have mush for a brain!

One of Those Ladies

Today I checked the weather and saw that the temperture was going to warm up during the day. I thought, "One last chance to wear summer clothes, capris, short sleeves and flip flops." Yes I was chilly this morning, but I knew that midday I would be HOT!

I passed a fellow young teacher in the hall. She told me that I was dressed for the summer. Wasn't I cold? Then she laughed and said that I looked like MB, the perfect picture of menopause. She wears capris and tank tops in the winter. When it is snowing out she stands outside to cool off!

I am now known as One of those Ladies, MENOPAUSAL!!!

Out of No Where

It is so interesting that the day when life is really tough and every area is full of stress, the world wants to know how you are doing. I can go for months without anyone asking or checking on me, then one day 5 people ask and want the details.

I thought they all were nice to think about me and really want to know how I was doing. It was just a bad day and the added questions caught me off guard. I had so many hot flashes today my pits were permanently wet.

I don't want anyone to think I didn't like the 'attention' or 'support' it was just strange how it hit out of no where!